Is this bullying or should I let it go? Genuinely don't know if I'm BU

[user09123870823823082]

Brief background.
Daughter is 13, about to be 14.
She had a terrible time in Year 8, lockdown played havoc with her mental health, she has intrusive thoughts / OCD, had panic attacks etc etc.
Her friendship group, which is already a fragile thing for many in Year 8, really started to crumble and she found herself having lunch in the toilet for a week.
She was 1 of 9 in the friendship group, the other 8 all had a bestie within that group, she was always a bit of a floater within the group.
her 2 best friends both left the school in Year 6.
Her personality must have changed a bit due to the OCD / anxiety and I know that she will have made mistakes, got upset / sensitive, been moody etc.

She tried to break into another group with some success, then that group suddenly said they didn't want her in their group and the main girl she was friendly with just ghosted her. She was at a loss as to why.

Cut to back to school in Year 9.
The girl that ghosted her started to let her in a bit. She then tells my daughter the reason she did that was that the old friendship group had approached her and told her that my daughter was a racist. They said they had proof and had a screen grab of my daughter saying "I would never let a person of colour into my house".

This is a lie.
I don't want to sound as if I think all my geese are swans. They are not. My daughter is a grumpy little sod sometimes, can be quite dismissive sounding sometimes and has many many little faults. But racist she is not. I'm not going to sit here and tell you all the reasons that I know she is not, that's not necessary.

However incase you need to know, my daughter is white. Her new best friend is black and her other new friend is Iranian.
Out of her old friendship group, 7 of the girls in the group are brown and historically my daughter has had 1-2-1 friendships with all of these girls, they have all been to our house, had sleepovers etc.

So, IF this was said, IF these girls did make up this story and are pretending there is proof and trying to make sure that she is unable to make new friends etc, I would like the school to look at this.

My daughter had a meeting with Head of Pastoral Care and spoke to her about all this.
This lady told my daughter that she wasn't going to do anything about it as it happened at the end of the academic year in Year 8 and now she is in Year 9 and that she didn't think it should be bought back up.

I disagree. Quite strongly.

I would like this investigated, to see who really said what, and IF there is anything in this, let the girls know they have been found out, (perhaps, maybe, be made to speak to the people they told this lie to and admit they were wrong) but basically do what they can to try and ensure that this sort of thing doesn't happen again. It feels really wrong that girls can accuse someone of being racist, spread lies about it, try and stop her making new friends, and get away scot free, just because it happened 4 months ago not 4 days ago.
For me, this is bullying pure and simple.

If someone was racist I would expect it to be dealt with but I expect the same if someone is accused of such a thing and it's not true,

But AIBU?

Is my judgement being clouded by being a protective Mumma Bear?

Please try and remember to be kind in your posts back to me.
I've seen how things can take a turn on many threads that I read.
I'm just a mum trying to do her best by her daughter who has a LOT to deal with right now without people going round accusing her of being a racist. It's really upset her.
I'm asking if my judgment is clouded or if I'm right to push the school to investigate.
Thanks.

@saraclara

The issue is the use of the word as a one off is still using it in a racist way the same as if you as a white person used the N word

This is an entirely false equivalence. Using the N word and using brown, are entirely different in their effect and in the white speaker's intention.

Quite possibly yes which is why I did say that the OP may have made an unwittingly racist comment in my initial comment. I used this example to show her how white people cannot use terms just because people of a certain race can.

@breatheinbreatheout, hi I am thinking that you may have got what you needed from this thread but on the off chance I wanted to say sorry for insinuating that your DD may have been using the new friends, I misunderstood but your updates and reply to me clarified the situation considerably. I didn't realise the school had sort of paired them all up. Bullying is a horrible thing to go through at any age, but teenagers can be very unkind and obviously your daughter already has enough to cope with dealing with the OCD.
I didn't write it but one of my first thoughts was if she could potentially change schools but I think it's admirable that your DD has decided to stay, why should she sacrifice the teachers she likes so much because of these girls. She may change her mind of course but I really really hope things improve and there's no more bullying.
I know the charity Kidscape are highly recommended for kids aged up to 16 who are being bullied and also they can support the parents/carers etc. Apologies if this has already been discussed, I'm sort of speed reading Mumsnet while doing other stuff and I am really not great at multitasking!😁
Anyway, really really hope things get better for DD and the school will have to step up their anti bullying work.

Ultimately, bullying needs to be 100% pinned down, evidenced and the perpetrators made aware of the consequences of their actions. If this degenerates into a "no evidence" situation - if the screenshot is gone - then the bullies are very likely to accuse the new friends of making up the racist comments they are supposed to have made (are you even certain that the new girls aren't doing that to explain away why they didn't want to be friends at first?). In which case, everyone ends up hurting, and all school have done is pour fuel on the flames.

That is not to say that bullying should not be dealt with - it absolutely must. But it needs to be dealt with conclusively, not by ending up in a situation where everyone just makes accusations against each other and there is no resolution, which is definitely not going to help. Just a thought as to why they might be dealing with it in this way.

@BreatheInBreatheOut
Thanks. Tbh dd kept it all in and I pieced it all together with her in the holidays and we started talking. I contacted the school at the start of term and they just wanted to ignore issues so I got dd out. A lot of the kids are describing the school as a prison. It is one of the many schools, which has been in the press for unbending rules. Not one of the worst offenders. But still….

Seriously I don't think it's a racist term.

My skin is brown, my daughters skin is brown.

If my daughters asks a question about her skin. I will say it is brown. I'm proud of our skin, I'm not going to discuss myself in other terms to make people more comfortable. And I'm not going to make my daughter uncomfortable about using the term either. She is brown it's her reality, she cant change it. I'm not sure why so many are saying it's not an acceptable term to be used.

@BoredZelda I don't have a lack of awareness. I was open to seeing what I did wrong but you've been unable to tell me, just called me patronising. You have me wrong and you have nothing constructive to say so this thread isn't for you clearly, best just to move along because you are coming across as quite unpleasant and it's just not necessary. You can think that as patronising as you like. We have nothing left to say to each other, or at least you have nothing to say I'm interested in here.

If they repeat the allegation that she is racist then you should complain about this. However you are unreasonable to expect the svhool to try and prove that she did or didn't say anything racist several months ago. It will not be possible to do this. If the girls are still being unpleasant then deal with that. I would also be encouraging her to make new friendships going forward.

Thanks @Porfre, that's reassuring and I thank you for your post. I truly didn't see the issue within the context of saying one girl was black, another white and others brown. However, it's clearly upset some people so I won't use it again just incase. Glad it hasn't offended you though.

Oh @Mummyoflittledragon, what an awful thing to go through. Well done to you for taking action and looking out for your daughter, that's amazing, she is lucky to have you as her mum. xx

Ahhhh @Wishingwell75, that's so nice of you to come back and say that, thank you so much. I'm glad we understand each other now. It's all good and thank you again , you didn't have to do that but I;'m very glad you did :-) xx

Just to let you know, for those that were interested, the school were SUPER supportive and think it should be looked in to but want my DD to want that first and foremost.
Either way, it's all been logged and they are aware of who allegedly said what so DD doesn't want it bought back up, but anything else happens in the future, they can deal with it swiftly.

Forgive me if I now don't return to this thread as it's now been dealt with and boy do MN posts take up a LOT of your day!. You helped so much and it was great to be given the perspective I was first missing when I started the thread. Thanks everyone.

Thanks. It sounds as though you’re really looking after your dd too . We just want our children to be happy. Big hugs. It sounds as if you could do with one.