Is this bullying or should I let it go? Genuinely don't know if I'm BU

[user09123870823823082]

Brief background.
Daughter is 13, about to be 14.
She had a terrible time in Year 8, lockdown played havoc with her mental health, she has intrusive thoughts / OCD, had panic attacks etc etc.
Her friendship group, which is already a fragile thing for many in Year 8, really started to crumble and she found herself having lunch in the toilet for a week.
She was 1 of 9 in the friendship group, the other 8 all had a bestie within that group, she was always a bit of a floater within the group.
her 2 best friends both left the school in Year 6.
Her personality must have changed a bit due to the OCD / anxiety and I know that she will have made mistakes, got upset / sensitive, been moody etc.

She tried to break into another group with some success, then that group suddenly said they didn't want her in their group and the main girl she was friendly with just ghosted her. She was at a loss as to why.

Cut to back to school in Year 9.
The girl that ghosted her started to let her in a bit. She then tells my daughter the reason she did that was that the old friendship group had approached her and told her that my daughter was a racist. They said they had proof and had a screen grab of my daughter saying "I would never let a person of colour into my house".

This is a lie.
I don't want to sound as if I think all my geese are swans. They are not. My daughter is a grumpy little sod sometimes, can be quite dismissive sounding sometimes and has many many little faults. But racist she is not. I'm not going to sit here and tell you all the reasons that I know she is not, that's not necessary.

However incase you need to know, my daughter is white. Her new best friend is black and her other new friend is Iranian.
Out of her old friendship group, 7 of the girls in the group are brown and historically my daughter has had 1-2-1 friendships with all of these girls, they have all been to our house, had sleepovers etc.

So, IF this was said, IF these girls did make up this story and are pretending there is proof and trying to make sure that she is unable to make new friends etc, I would like the school to look at this.

My daughter had a meeting with Head of Pastoral Care and spoke to her about all this.
This lady told my daughter that she wasn't going to do anything about it as it happened at the end of the academic year in Year 8 and now she is in Year 9 and that she didn't think it should be bought back up.

I disagree. Quite strongly.

I would like this investigated, to see who really said what, and IF there is anything in this, let the girls know they have been found out, (perhaps, maybe, be made to speak to the people they told this lie to and admit they were wrong) but basically do what they can to try and ensure that this sort of thing doesn't happen again. It feels really wrong that girls can accuse someone of being racist, spread lies about it, try and stop her making new friends, and get away scot free, just because it happened 4 months ago not 4 days ago.
For me, this is bullying pure and simple.

If someone was racist I would expect it to be dealt with but I expect the same if someone is accused of such a thing and it's not true,

But AIBU?

Is my judgement being clouded by being a protective Mumma Bear?

Please try and remember to be kind in your posts back to me.
I've seen how things can take a turn on many threads that I read.
I'm just a mum trying to do her best by her daughter who has a LOT to deal with right now without people going round accusing her of being a racist. It's really upset her.
I'm asking if my judgment is clouded or if I'm right to push the school to investigate.
Thanks.

Both my daughter and I have OCD. Both my children have experienced bullying. One thing I would absolutely say is you need to calm your mamma bear. Of course you are upset - devastated and rightly so - but there is a distinction between what is morally right here and what is best for your daughter. Girls can be nuts but things blow over - your daughter seems to be making progress with her friends if you go stomping all over this she could be labelled a snitch, someone who tells her mum everything and her mum goes to speak to the school.
I am mixed race and my son looks very white english - he had a boy sending him messages through the playstation about me being an Indian (I am not Indian - I am another mixed race) - cartoon images of Indians a whole lot of racist things. I spoke to the police without giving names and they suggested I ask the headmaster to speak to the boy and his parents which he did. But it totally backfired on my son. My 'win' was short lived and my son's friends took sides. It took two years before my son stopped being called a snitch and 4 years later I still don't go to his football matches to avoid running into the parents and boys who took the side that this boy sending racist messages and pictures was not being racist.
What I would concentrate on is getting the school to help your daughter expand her friendship group so she finds friends who want and appreciates her friendship. It sounds like her current friends are all a bit dramatic and lack loyalty.
Have you also considered seratraline for her?

@BoredZelda

“What a terrible thing to say. Yes I do believe her but I'm shocked at your post. I shall engage with you no further so no need to post again.

I thought that was very calm of me. The way it was said about apples and trees was basically calling me and my daughter a racist. I took offence. Others didn't express themselves in such a way. When people explained what I said that was wrong yes, I apologised like you say.

“Please try and remember to be kind in your posts back to me.” Is that patronising or just a polite request? We'll have to agree to disagree on that one.

“that's exactly the calm. considered post that is really helpful” How is that patronising???!!! I have only been genuine as far as I can see. I thought the advice given was helpful, that's me saying thank you. So confused why that's patronising! I think you have got me all wrong to be honest but that's the danger of faceless posts I guess.

I've genuinely found this thread really helpful and have taken a lot from it. Hopefully you don't think that's patronising. I really mean it.

@Maves. Totally uncalled for. The op hasn’t used racist terms, just described the friendship group to give perspective. Looking for racism where it doesn’t exist helps no-one.

@ThanksIGotItInMorrisons

I feel for your daughter. Hope you get it sorted. Bullying is awful. You did refer to people as ‘brown’. Which is not really socially acceptable or appropriate thing to say.

So how should they be referred as?

OP I just read your message about your daugher's MH issues not allowing you to hug her. Will she let you put your forehead against her forehead or your cheek against her cheek? Or hold hands? These aren't the same as hugs but the skin contact can still be very powerful.

@ittakes2 - ha haaa, I know, that MummaBear thing is REAL, hence this thread though, I was aware there might have been a lot of that going on.

I really appreciate you taking the time to share your story and I will be absolutely taking that on board, thank you.

I'm sorry that happened to you :-(

Yes, she's just started sertraline and it's helping thank goodness xx

I think the school's advice to leave it is right.

It's quite odd to be in a multicultural environment and not to know not to use the term 'brown' irrespective of what you say your Asian friends do. Context is everything. Just because Asian friends use it doesn't make it ok for a white person to say it.

I wonder if your DD has made similar blunders that has got a group of multiracial girls' backs up. Equally, I don't know what 'grumpy little sod' means - but not everyone wants to be around someone's like that.

Whether they genuinely believe her to be racist, even if the impression is erroneous, or they just don't like her - insisting on an 'investigation' will not help your DD at all.

She can prove herself not to be racist over time. The accusation will eventually fade away.

I would be very careful about pushing the "proof" too far as fake screenshots are very easy to do. There are apps to do that and look very convincing. It would take me less than ten minutes to produce one (I did once to prove to a colleague when someone was claiming something and produced a fake screen shot).

If they are pushed into producing a fake screenshot to show to school, then they'll probably make the most and start showing other people too, would be my concern.

My dd has started another school and hasn’t looked back. She changed for the opposite reasons. Lots of friends. Teachers very stressed and shouty. Very large intake and teachers don’t really know the children. Dd was singles out by one of the teachers in a core subject and her friends also reported she was being bullied by the teacher. The school were useless when I approached them btw. Year head brushed it all under the carpet and dd was too intimidated to speak out.

If your dd is protected by the school and these new girls, that is the main thing. I hope it will settle and the school sounds really good at the pastoral stuff whereas my dd’s former school wasn’t. My dd was using terrible masking techniques to cope so it’s important to look out for these with your dd.

I understand your dd wants to clear her name. Mine is also the same age and would be equally outraged. I do think stirring things up would probably cause her more distress and it is really unfortunate this has only come to light now. I don’t think they’re trying to brush this under the carpet in the same way as my dd’s former school by the sound of it. 13/14 yo girls can be horrible, can’t they?!

As for which school, the place may now be gone. But I would say, if the pastoral care is as good at the other school and especially if the other school is not too big, I would perhaps think again. Have you spoken to the parents of children at the other school? The moment my dd asked to change, I talked to anyone I could.

@ittakes2 - oh bless you, that's just SO lovely! It's also made me sob! No, I can't touch he in any way. God I miss that so much. All I want to do is hug her and kiss her but no, if I accidentally brush against her she sort of wipes the area with the back of her hand. She won't let me cook for her or go in her room.
OCD is so cruel :-(

BreatheInBreatheOut - I hope the setraline helps her. My daughter lets me touch her because I have OCD and she sees me as 'clean' but she wouldn't let her dad hug her for years. Her and I do the forehead or cheek touches I mentioned above when she or I are very stressed. But the setraline changed things and over the weekend she gave her dad a big hug completely out of the blue. I hope the setraline makes similar progress for you.

I hope so too. Thanks SO much for the supportive post, it's made me really quite emotional! Silly sod that I am! :-) xx

Thanks for sharing @Mummyoflittledragon. Sorry you went through that. It's so awful. You are so right, if she is being protected by school and she has some friends who don't believe this lie then that is THE most important thing. Injustice like this has never sat well with me and it's so hard to let it go totally but I can see how doing exactly that might be for the best.

Hope your DD remains as happy as she is now. Glad things worked out for her x

We have said that if things don't improve this year and DD still feels unhappy we will move her. She just has to let us know that's what she wants. I'd like it to work out for her where she is but if that's not possible, we can go for it again. I left it on very good terms with the other school and they messaged me again this academic year saying if things don't work out for her to contact them.

@TatianaBis

I don't know that's it odd to be in a multicultural environment and not to know not to use the term 'brown'. Like I say, I've never used it before that I remember but having used the words black and white and having heard Asian friends say 'brown' I saw no harm so used it here.
and I agree, just because Asian friends use it doesn't make it ok for a white person to say it and now it's been pointed out I won't use it again. It's over, it's a done deal.

As I say, my DC are a lot more woke than me so unlikely but yes, possibly, can't rule out she's never made a mistake. Doesn't excuse the lie they told though

And no, not everyone wants to be around a 'grumpy little sod', you're right, and they have every right not to choose to be friends with her, but they do not have the right to spend horrible lies.

@MargaretThursday - yes i hear you. I had no idea that screen shots could be faked and that's enough to stop me pursuing this. The idea that anyone could do that has made me feel a bit sick. It's not a risk I feel I want to take. I'll be discussing this more when DD gets home. Thanks so much.

@BoredZelda - I'd forgotten the impact people's posts could have on a person and why I stopped using MN for so long. Now I'm paranoid that the genuine things I'm saying are being taken as patronising and I'm becoming paranoid that I'm being taken the wrong way all the time. It's made me so uncomfortable

Anyway, moving on - to everyone else - I've tried to respond to everyone, sorry if I missed you. It's been really helpful and given me a different perspective on things which I will take with me into the phone meeting. Thanks again. Your work here is done! :-) xx

You’re not wrong to want to clear your daughters name.

Is it at all possible OP that having unwittingly used racist language yourself that your DD may have done the same having followed your lead and assuming that what she said may have been acceptable?

The OP has not used racist language

As pointed out above by many other posters she has used a term that is acceptable when used by people of certain races when describing themselves but is deemed racist if used by white people.

Unfortunately some people hear it being used and do not appreciate that.

@SeasonFinale

I'm not sure I used RACIST language, but I have clearly used A word as a one off that people don't appreciate and have apologised and said I won't use again. I made a mistake. Not my daughter. As I said, i've not used it before, I used the words black and white and thought, having heard it used, it was acceptable for me to use here.

So no, my lead has not been followed in this instance, having never said it before.

Friends she is no longer friends with, some mean girls, have lied and said that she said "I would never let a person of colour cross my doorstep".

She does NOT think this is an acceptable thing to say which is why she came home so outraged that it has been said. She went to the head of pastoral care about it because she thought it was a terrible thing to say. No part of her thinks any of it is acceptable.

The issue is the use of the word as a one off is still using it in a racist way the same as if you as a white person used the N word. I thought you had appreciated that point above as it seemed you had and hence you apologised for using it in the manner you had.

I accept that you don't think your daughter has made a similar mistake and in those circumstances I too would want it cleared up that calling someone a racist is harmful and damaging to her reputation and she should have a chance to clear her name if it is being passed round the school. I would approach the pastoral care team very much on that basis. I suspect she won't be friends with those particular girls going forward but also she won't want it to cloud others opinions of her. Good luck with any approach you make to the school and hope your daughter can find a group she can slot into.

agree to disagree

You can do so if you like, but as I said, if your daughter has a similar lack of awareness, that may well be the actual root of the problem.

The issue is the use of the word as a one off is still using it in a racist way the same as if you as a white person used the N word

This is an entirely false equivalence. Using the N word and using brown, are entirely different in their effect and in the white speaker's intention.

I think you should follow this up. I don't think it matters that there is no "evidence" as even if your daughter did say something racist, the way to deal with that is not to go round telling other people not to be friends with her. The girl could have spoken to school or to your daughter.