Is this bullying or should I let it go? Genuinely don't know if I'm BU

[user09123870823823082]

Brief background.
Daughter is 13, about to be 14.
She had a terrible time in Year 8, lockdown played havoc with her mental health, she has intrusive thoughts / OCD, had panic attacks etc etc.
Her friendship group, which is already a fragile thing for many in Year 8, really started to crumble and she found herself having lunch in the toilet for a week.
She was 1 of 9 in the friendship group, the other 8 all had a bestie within that group, she was always a bit of a floater within the group.
her 2 best friends both left the school in Year 6.
Her personality must have changed a bit due to the OCD / anxiety and I know that she will have made mistakes, got upset / sensitive, been moody etc.

She tried to break into another group with some success, then that group suddenly said they didn't want her in their group and the main girl she was friendly with just ghosted her. She was at a loss as to why.

Cut to back to school in Year 9.
The girl that ghosted her started to let her in a bit. She then tells my daughter the reason she did that was that the old friendship group had approached her and told her that my daughter was a racist. They said they had proof and had a screen grab of my daughter saying "I would never let a person of colour into my house".

This is a lie.
I don't want to sound as if I think all my geese are swans. They are not. My daughter is a grumpy little sod sometimes, can be quite dismissive sounding sometimes and has many many little faults. But racist she is not. I'm not going to sit here and tell you all the reasons that I know she is not, that's not necessary.

However incase you need to know, my daughter is white. Her new best friend is black and her other new friend is Iranian.
Out of her old friendship group, 7 of the girls in the group are brown and historically my daughter has had 1-2-1 friendships with all of these girls, they have all been to our house, had sleepovers etc.

So, IF this was said, IF these girls did make up this story and are pretending there is proof and trying to make sure that she is unable to make new friends etc, I would like the school to look at this.

My daughter had a meeting with Head of Pastoral Care and spoke to her about all this.
This lady told my daughter that she wasn't going to do anything about it as it happened at the end of the academic year in Year 8 and now she is in Year 9 and that she didn't think it should be bought back up.

I disagree. Quite strongly.

I would like this investigated, to see who really said what, and IF there is anything in this, let the girls know they have been found out, (perhaps, maybe, be made to speak to the people they told this lie to and admit they were wrong) but basically do what they can to try and ensure that this sort of thing doesn't happen again. It feels really wrong that girls can accuse someone of being racist, spread lies about it, try and stop her making new friends, and get away scot free, just because it happened 4 months ago not 4 days ago.
For me, this is bullying pure and simple.

If someone was racist I would expect it to be dealt with but I expect the same if someone is accused of such a thing and it's not true,

But AIBU?

Is my judgement being clouded by being a protective Mumma Bear?

Please try and remember to be kind in your posts back to me.
I've seen how things can take a turn on many threads that I read.
I'm just a mum trying to do her best by her daughter who has a LOT to deal with right now without people going round accusing her of being a racist. It's really upset her.
I'm asking if my judgment is clouded or if I'm right to push the school to investigate.
Thanks.

@MattHancocksSexTape - not one part of me thinks this rumour is in any way true. She came to me with it and then went to the school herself about it. Why would she do that if she thought a screenshot actually existed or that she had ever been racist? BUT, if she was ever found out to have said anything racist I would want her to apologise to those people, I'd want to educate her and help her see right from wrong.

Op I’d urge you to take a step back and understand if this is still going on

If it it’s not I agree with the school let sleeping dogs lie and don’t escalate it again, becayse that’s what will happen and your daughter will be negatively impacted

If it’s still going on then it needs to be investigated based on what’s occurring now

I get she’s not happy but her old friends are gone. They are not coming back. Nothing you do will change that. I’m sorry.

So you need to understand if it’s occurring now. And act accordingly.

I think children should be left to make and break their own friendships without parents putting their two penneth in. No one wrapped me in cotton wool and I was a stronger person for it.

What I find interesting though op is a “person of colour” is an outdated term, it’s an offensive one too and no longer used, it tends to be only used by older people who are unaware, as in people in their sixties and beyond, who grew up knowing it as a polite term amd don’t realise time has changed,

As such it’s very surprising that a young person, a 13 year old, would use that phrase as it is no longer in common parliance.

@Bluntness100

What I find interesting though op is a “person of colour” is an outdated term, it’s an offensive one too and no longer used, it tends to be only used by older people who are unaware, as in people in their sixties and beyond, who grew up knowing it as a polite term amd don’t realise time has changed,

As such it’s very surprising that a young person, a 13 year old, would use that phrase as it is no longer in common parliance.

Person of colour is very common usage in certain circles. I see it's use a lot in theatre circles amongst young people especially average age range 20-30 years. (they are all very woke so I'm assuming it's "acceptable"

@Bluntness100

What I find interesting though op is a “person of colour” is an outdated term, it’s an offensive one too and no longer used, it tends to be only used by older people who are unaware, as in people in their sixties and beyond, who grew up knowing it as a polite term amd don’t realise time has changed,

As such it’s very surprising that a young person, a 13 year old, would use that phrase as it is no longer in common parliance.

No. You are referring to the term 'coloured'.

Person of colour is the term, particularly used in the US, currently.

@Wishingwell75

Gosh, SO difficult yes!

As of last week, when we spoke about it, my daughter she wanted her name cleared. I'll listen to the advice given here and speak with her again and take my lead from her. That's been really helpful.

If she does want to pursue things the only good I can see coming from it now is that the girls see the cruelty in their action, they think on it and don't ever repeat anything like this, possibly protecting my daughter and others in the future?

Re the bit about me saying the new friends are "allowing" my DD to hang out. I only meant to highlight their kindness. I ddin't mean to imply anything else. They were asked to take my DD under their wing by the school which they did. They are such lovely girls. I've spoken with my DD about how their kindness is worth so much more than anything etc. I'm sorry that I may have given the impression I think anything other than this being a wonderful outcome for my DD.

When you say "normally be friendly with but is using just because she's on the outs this week is just as shallow as what the original group did to her.". I feel that's a little harsh. She isn't meaning to 'use' anybody. It's just not an organic friendship but she values them very much as people and has nothing but lovely things to say. But it's also a sad fact that she also misses elements of her old friendship group before things went wrong. She thinks these new friends are great but she also feels she has little in common with them that's all.

Thanks for your post, and although I'm truly confident I will still do as you say and use this to remind my daughter that racism is always unacceptable. Thank you.

@Bluntness100 - yes, I will take on board the advice given and I will be taking a step back and double checking what my DD wants. I'll make sure she is prepared for this to be opened up again and the negative things that may come with that. Then I'll support her in what she wants.
I'm very grateful for the advice given and will be taking it on board.

oh and @Bluntness100 - not sure why that expression was used, it's just what my DD was told she had written. I've never used it or heard my DD use it. If we have to refer to someone's skin colour we have always used black / white / Asian etc.

@simitra, yes I agree. Unless it's a form of bullying, which I think this is. Trying to make sure a person isn't able to make friends in other circles by spreading lies and calling someone a racist when they are not is pretty bloody nasty and sometimes I think parents / schools need to step in, I personally don't think that's wrapping people up in cotton wool but we all parent differently and each to their own.

Could you speak to the headmaster and raise the issue with them ?
Maybe they could do a assembly on the dangers of spreading lies, its a very serious issue its not like she's in year 11 and nearly finished in school she's barely half way through secondary school.
And if she was lying which it doesn't sound like she is - she wouldn't have spoken to the pastoral care people. I would arrange a meeting with the head and bring her along, talk to her about what she wants.

And give her a big hug she sounds like she needs a bit of tlc x

@BoredZelda, not sure where I've spoken badly to anyone. If you can be bothered to point out where I have been patronising or lashed out I'll happily apologise if I can see what I've done wrong or re-expalin something if I have been clumsy. That's nopt being psatronising btw, it's genuine.

I also am not sure where you got the bit about her her new friends 'not being good enough for her' from. Neither she or I think that. They've been amazing. They are beautiful, kind girls, its just not an organic relationship, that doesn't mean she doesn't like them or appreciate them.

What a horrible situation. Is changing schools possible? It’s a bit of a nuclear option but if it’s easy to do then maybe it’s something to consider,

Thanks @Escapetothecatshome, that's so sweet. Her MH issues won't allow me to hug her but my god I'd love to!

I have a phone meeting with head of pastoral care this afternoon. I'll hear what she has to say, speak to my daughter again tonight and take it from there. Advice on here has been very useful.

Life is such a bitch for teems isn't it sometimes :-(

Just so you're aware OP, it's incredibly easy to falsify a screenshot. You just 'inspect element' of a page and change the text.

@ItsNotMeAnymore - we very nearly did that. We were offered a place in another school but last minute she changed her mind and decided to stay which surprised us all. I think she realised the grass might not be greener. She did a big list of pros and cons for both schools. The things she said she would miss most from her 'old school', were the teachers! She's been so well supported there.

@FatJan - oh yuck - is it really. Why has that made me want to cry? God, can people really stoop SO low, is life really THIS hard sometimes.
For the first time in all this that's really upset me. But thank you SO much for telling me that. Bloody hell. What has the world come to. :-(

@TatianaBis, yes CAMHS are involved.

I may well need to take a back seat. I'm not sure what's normal and what isn't. I just know that my daughter is unwell and having a really tough time and when she told me about this we discussed HER talking to pastoral care about it. Pastoral care said they thought they would leave it be and want to speak to me and I wanted to make sure when I have my chat with them that I am being reasonable and not being too blinkered because I'm feeling so protective, hence this thread.

I didn't call people 'brown' by mistake. I used the term because I've heard several of my Asian friends use it and didn't think it was wrong. I hear that others on here DO think it wrong so I have apologised and I won't use that expression again. I'm old and I make mistakes. My children are a lot more 'woke' than me though. I don't feeI should defend my daughter and list all the reasons I know she would never say anything racist on here, you'll either have to take my word for it or not I guess.

[quote BreatheInBreatheOut]@FatJan - oh yuck - is it really. Why has that made me want to cry? God, can people really stoop SO low, is life really THIS hard sometimes.
For the first time in all this that's really upset me. But thank you SO much for telling me that. Bloody hell. What has the world come to. :-([/quote]
Hopefully they haven’t done this.

Arrange a meeting with the school

Thanks so much @talismaniac, I really appreciate your post. I feel a lot more ready for todays phone call now. Hugely appreciate you taking the time out of your day to type all that. xx

@Bluntness100

What I find interesting though op is a “person of colour” is an outdated term, it’s an offensive one too and no longer used, it tends to be only used by older people who are unaware, as in people in their sixties and beyond, who grew up knowing it as a polite term amd don’t realise time has changed,

As such it’s very surprising that a young person, a 13 year old, would use that phrase as it is no longer in common parliance.

This is nonsense; the term ‘person of colour is relatively recent’. Doesn’t Meghan refer to herself as a person of colour?

not sure where I've spoken badly to anyone

Does she share your lack of awareness?

“What a terrible thing to say. Yes I do believe her but I'm shocked at your post. I shall engage with you no further so no need to post again.” Not exactly a calm and measured response, especially when others pointed it out, you apologised profusely.

“Please try and remember to be kind in your posts back to me.” Patronising.

“that's exactly the calm. considered post that is really helpful” Patronising.

Right, thank so much all of you (well most of you!! )

The head of pastoral is calling me today (we are in regular contact due to my DD's MH anyway).

I feel a lot more prepared for that call now, this thread has really helped. Thank you.

I've been exactly where you are now OP. Bullying, general muck spreading in year 7 and 8, year 9 started badly and just got worse. My experience was that the school didn't really want to know - you are thinking they'll have the same standards as you but really they just want to do the bare minimum and get home. Even if you come across staff that are kind and moral, they won't have the time or inclination to help.

My daughter actually does have OCD and is under a specialist psychiatric unit (outpatient). She became very unwell as a result of which she missed most of year 10, all of year 11, most of 12 and all of 13. The bullying and isolation she experienced in the first couple of years of secondary school were the main trigger for full blown disabling OCD. We also arranged a school move, twice in fact, and each time she wanted to stay with the "devil she knew".

Its very rare I agree with anything Bluntness has to say but she's right, those friends are gone; thing is sadly the damage is done. If you say school are appearing to be supportive then I'd push it with them; with OCD its very important that your daughter is believed and vindicated.

Speaking as someone who had the police called on them due school bullies setting me up, I can well believe this is a fake screenshot. It only takes a couple of mean girls to get a group to turn on her, the rest of the group will be nervous of being isolated themselves if they don’t go along with it. Of course this is bullying, but your DD has had a lucky break in the long run getting away from them. For many of that group they are now stuck in a toxic friendship circle.