Is this bullying or should I let it go? Genuinely don't know if I'm BU

[user09123870823823082]

Brief background.
Daughter is 13, about to be 14.
She had a terrible time in Year 8, lockdown played havoc with her mental health, she has intrusive thoughts / OCD, had panic attacks etc etc.
Her friendship group, which is already a fragile thing for many in Year 8, really started to crumble and she found herself having lunch in the toilet for a week.
She was 1 of 9 in the friendship group, the other 8 all had a bestie within that group, she was always a bit of a floater within the group.
her 2 best friends both left the school in Year 6.
Her personality must have changed a bit due to the OCD / anxiety and I know that she will have made mistakes, got upset / sensitive, been moody etc.

She tried to break into another group with some success, then that group suddenly said they didn't want her in their group and the main girl she was friendly with just ghosted her. She was at a loss as to why.

Cut to back to school in Year 9.
The girl that ghosted her started to let her in a bit. She then tells my daughter the reason she did that was that the old friendship group had approached her and told her that my daughter was a racist. They said they had proof and had a screen grab of my daughter saying "I would never let a person of colour into my house".

This is a lie.
I don't want to sound as if I think all my geese are swans. They are not. My daughter is a grumpy little sod sometimes, can be quite dismissive sounding sometimes and has many many little faults. But racist she is not. I'm not going to sit here and tell you all the reasons that I know she is not, that's not necessary.

However incase you need to know, my daughter is white. Her new best friend is black and her other new friend is Iranian.
Out of her old friendship group, 7 of the girls in the group are brown and historically my daughter has had 1-2-1 friendships with all of these girls, they have all been to our house, had sleepovers etc.

So, IF this was said, IF these girls did make up this story and are pretending there is proof and trying to make sure that she is unable to make new friends etc, I would like the school to look at this.

My daughter had a meeting with Head of Pastoral Care and spoke to her about all this.
This lady told my daughter that she wasn't going to do anything about it as it happened at the end of the academic year in Year 8 and now she is in Year 9 and that she didn't think it should be bought back up.

I disagree. Quite strongly.

I would like this investigated, to see who really said what, and IF there is anything in this, let the girls know they have been found out, (perhaps, maybe, be made to speak to the people they told this lie to and admit they were wrong) but basically do what they can to try and ensure that this sort of thing doesn't happen again. It feels really wrong that girls can accuse someone of being racist, spread lies about it, try and stop her making new friends, and get away scot free, just because it happened 4 months ago not 4 days ago.
For me, this is bullying pure and simple.

If someone was racist I would expect it to be dealt with but I expect the same if someone is accused of such a thing and it's not true,

But AIBU?

Is my judgement being clouded by being a protective Mumma Bear?

Please try and remember to be kind in your posts back to me.
I've seen how things can take a turn on many threads that I read.
I'm just a mum trying to do her best by her daughter who has a LOT to deal with right now without people going round accusing her of being a racist. It's really upset her.
I'm asking if my judgment is clouded or if I'm right to push the school to investigate.
Thanks.

I feel for your daughter. Hope you get it sorted. Bullying is awful.
You did refer to people as ‘brown’. Which is not really socially acceptable or appropriate thing to say.

@Cadent In her old friendship group there are 9 girls. 7 of them are brown . My daughter and one other girl are white.

She has 2 new friends that are being kind and don't believe the rumour. One of those girls is black and the other Iranian.

I was trying to give a picture of who said what and to demonstrate that my daughter has been friends with girls of asian descent and is now friends with other girls, neither of whom are white as a means to show that despite it being said she wouldn't let "a person of colour over her doorstep" that 99% of the friends that come over aren't white.

Apologies if that was in anyway clumsy.

Are they still doing it? I’m confused, you say they did it once to one person.

Seems a bit odd you say these new friends aren’t ones dd would normally chose, like she’s lumbered with the saddo unpopular girls when she was in the cool gang. That doesn’t sound very nice of her or you.

@ThanksIGotItInMorrisons - oh! I truly didn't realise that was unacceptable! I thought that you called a black person black, a white person white but I truly didn't realise it was wrong to say a brown person. It's not something I usually say actually to be fair, I just felt it helped in this situation to help paint the picture. If that's not appropriate then I'm truly embarrassed .... no, mortified! I'm SO sorry to have caused offence, I really am!

[quote BreatheInBreatheOut]@Cadent In her old friendship group there are 9 girls. 7 of them are brown . My daughter and one other girl are white.

She has 2 new friends that are being kind and don't believe the rumour. One of those girls is black and the other Iranian.

I was trying to give a picture of who said what and to demonstrate that my daughter has been friends with girls of asian descent and is now friends with other girls, neither of whom are white as a means to show that despite it being said she wouldn't let "a person of colour over her doorstep" that 99% of the friends that come over aren't white.

Apologies if that was in anyway clumsy.[/quote]
Understood, OP.

As mentioned I would definitely take it further. This could hang around dd for a long time.

@BreatheInBreatheOut

Thank you *@Quartz2208*, I'm not sure 'punished' is a word I feel comfortable with, but yes, perhaps I am angry. You are right, the focus should be making sure my daughter is happy and settled and letting her lead. Thank you for refocusing me.

Exactly - and I think you should definitely be in contact with the school about how to help her with this because I do think they are trying to say new year new start and leave it at that.

Work with the school to get her happy and settled and follow her lead. I think you do need to be proactive in helping her but having that as the goal

Good luck. Mine is a year below and it is a tricky age - she too is in a group of between 8-9 and friendship levels between them vary

@ThanksIGotItInMorrisons

I feel for your daughter. Hope you get it sorted. Bullying is awful. You did refer to people as ‘brown’. Which is not really socially acceptable or appropriate thing to say.

Sorry if this is off topic but I know a lot of brown people who refer to themselves as such. They don't necessarily identify as being black and if this is the case with these girls the OP is right to respect their choice of descriptor.

@Limejuiceandrum - I'm not sure if they are still doing it. They told many people, one of them told my daughter initially, another girl from another group confirmed it.

The new friends are not ones she would chose. The school approached them as they are kind girls and asked them to take my daughter under their wing. They did that. Not sure why you got 'saddo' and 'unpopular' from that or how you think it's being unkind. That's not what I was saying or what I think. She simply didn't choose them, or they her. They are really kind girls, lovely, lovely girls but they just don't have the same things in common and is a friendship that has come about because they were asked to be friends with her, rather than it be a natural fit, that's all.

So what will you do if it does turn out to be true, or if the screenshot does actually exist?

Difficult isn't it.
I wouldn't want to be a teenager again for love or money. Well, maybe a lot of money.....
What does your daughter want to do with all this?
I appreciate you're ready to do battle, that's your job but presumably the parents of these girls will also be ready to support their daughters to the hilt.
What good can come of it now?
People who don't know, will hear about these lies and sadly at least some will think no smoke without fire type of thing.
It seems an odd thing to lie about given your DD has always had a multicultural friendship group and I would hope with all my heart that every new generation exhibits less and less racism, especially when it's not modelled at home.
One thing, is the way you describe these girls "putting up with" or "allowing" your DD to hang out. It might be semantics and I'm not too old to remember the vital importance of having friends but you could come at this from another angle.
Teach your child that her self esteem is more valuable than these on again off again friends.
Encourage her to socialize outside of school, meet new people at activities she likes or wants to try.
Definitely explain that being friends with the girls that she wouldn't normally be friendly with but is using just because she's on the outs this week is just as shallow as what the original group did to her.
The less she truly cares to get back with these frenemies the more they'll want to be friends with her.
Finally, even though you're confident that DD understands racism and doesn't have those beliefs it might be worth a conversation about how it's just a no go area even as a joke or a quick way to retaliate if someone has verbally hurt you. Also, the horrible reality that these girls have used racism to seriously damage DDs reputation and character, they're really not worth her time, she can do a lot better.

I would talk to HOY so you can ask that it is recorded. Then if anything starts up again there is written proof that the school know the back story. And hopefully they will keep a district eye on things at school.

OP I think you need to take a step back.

Focus on your DD's mental health issues - are CAMHS involved?

But let her sort out friend stuff herself. It's not normal to be this involved in which friend said what and to whom. And bringing something back up from last year is certainly not helpful.

Either she did say something unpalatable or she didn't. If can call people 'brown' by mistake I wonder what stuff she has said accidentally, even if she didn't say the thing she was specifically accused of.

Hi OP. I’m sorry you’re in this position. You are right - spreading a malicious lie about someone is bullying. Of course it is.

I’m sure your DD never thought such a thing, let alone typed it. I can’t think of an young girl who would type something like that. Kids don’t think like that and it would be such a bizarre thing to post.

Teen girls can be a nightmare and, for whatever reason, this group decided to close ranks on your DD, Maybe they see her as ‘different’ in some way? It’s horrible, but some people will kick you when your down. If one or two of them began to see her as ‘needy’ or ‘vulnerable’ following her mental health problems, this could be it. Horrible, but possible. Also, if they perceive she is garnering school / parent attention, they may be resentful of this. Not saying your DD is attention-seeking in any way, but a lot of it goes on at that age and they all talk about their ‘mental health’ etc on social media. Perhaps there’s someone else who wants to be centre of attention in that way? Perhaps someone is jealous that your DD has a supportive home and a mum who takes her seriously. Not all kids do.

I think you should go to the meeting in the school with a clear sense of what action it is you want taken. I think, at this point, it’s going to be futile trying to get into a whole “she said this, she said that,” four months on. But what the teacher could do, is call them all in and tell them that this rumour may or may not have been circulating. She is not pointing the finger at anyone, but wants ti make it clear that spreading lies on social media is bullying. Reiterate the policy that must schools have which is that just because something is happening outside school hours (or on social media) don’t think the school will not deal with it.

You may even find some girls will come forward and give more info to the teacher following this.

Or a more subtle approach would be to get them to name the issue of spreading lies / bullying/ social media in PSHE. Then nobody will know you or your DD have anything to do with it.

Good luck!

This is a horrible situation and I don't have any answers. But bear in mind that if these girls are really out to make things difficult for your DD, and if they're pushed to prove they're not lying, it is very easy to fake screenshots of conversations. They don't need any Photoshop skills - there are online tools that make convincing prank or mockup screenshots of different social media and messaging platforms. I'd be nervous they would come back with something believable that complicates the situation further.

@piratehugs exactly. Children these days have access to so many apps that can create fake screenshots and messages. They could easily come back with fake ‘proof’ which would actually get your daughter in more trouble. Think carefully if you want to drag this all back up because it may not be as easy to disprove their accusation as you think.

I would hope your daughter doesn’t react to/speak to people the way you have here as that could be an issue. Telling people how they should respond, patronising and immediately lashing out at people for things you later accept you were wrong to say. That won’t go down well.

I agree with the school, who will be working with all the information from an unbiased perspective, a clean slate is probably best. I’m sorry she feels the “friends” who have chosen to spending time with her aren’t good enough for her, but opening old rumours and heresay won’t help that situation.

Sorry if this is off topic but I know a lot of brown people who refer to themselves as such.

I can’t believe people still don’t get this, but just because some people choose something, doesn’t mean that everyone else can use it with impunity.

We use terms, in a joking way, to describe DD’s disability, led by her. We do this in our own home and only with us three. If these were used by others in any context, that would not be acceptable.

Awful situation OP but I would reinforce to dd that why would she want to be friends with girls who treat you like crap and spread lies. You want friends who are nice and have your back. Ok so she doesnt have much in common with her new friends but that's ok. Some.of best friendships are built on people who ar every different.

Honestly, I'd just leave it and move on. You're only going to draw more attention to all of this if you take this further now. And your daughter will be the one suffering the consequences of that. Loss of even more friendships/alienated even more etc etc etc.

She needs to embrace her new friends and perhaps look outside of school to make friends. I made some.of best friends in out of school activities:
Army, sea or air cadets
St John's ambulance cadets
Scouts
Guides

@AliceAyres

Honestly, I'd just leave it and move on. You're only going to draw more attention to all of this if you take this further now. And your daughter will be the one suffering the consequences of that. Loss of even more friendships/alienated even more etc etc etc.

Exactly. This is what will happen.

A really naive question (English not my first language).
If you don't say someone is brown (like you say someone is black or white), what do you say??

@TintinIsBack

A really naive question (English not my first language). If you don't say someone is brown (like you say someone is black or white), what do you say??

You usually take your cue from them and many, many people describe themselves as brown but it might be mixed race or asian or indian etc etc

Btw, I don't think this is bulling becausze it was a one off. Someone did tell lies though... and ones that could have gotten your dd in really hot waters too.
That's why I would let that go. The school is aware and if anything happens again THEN I would go and insist they sort it out.

Having said that, I think your dd needs to find new friends, maybe outside the school?
She needs to rebuild her self esteem. I'd concentrate on that. Get her some support (private counselling), have pastoral care involved (NOT with forced friendship. It never works) and encourage her to have hobbies outside school.

She will find her way. But in the mean time, she needs to feel good about herself on her own rather tha feel she needs to be part of a group, regardless of wat the group is. I mean, who wouod want to be freind with someone who told lies about her or believed those lies wo ever talking to her??