AIBU to not remind BF about anniversary

[SillyHousewife]

I have been with my BF for almost a year. He's lovely though it's become clear over the last year that he's not at all romantic. I'm very sentimental and romantic and would love to be romanced but his good qualities are enough that I can mostly accept that he's not much into the whole thing. He hasn't said that he's not into it but in the last year, not a single flower which I think is a bit odd because I thought most men knew that women love flowers. I think this is the first relationship I've ever been in where there's been none in the first year. I'm not materialistic and don't expect huge bouquets but just a rose on a pillow would be nice. Also makes me a bit sad that I can see on his FB that he has given girlfriends flowers in the past.

So, in two weeks time, it's the anniversary of the day we met. I really want him to remember and make an effort on that day but I don't want to remind him. It was a while ago but on Valentines day this year, I went to a lot of effort to make him a special gift that focussed heavily on the date we met so, given that he has a good memory, I'm pretty sure he knows the date.

I know this is unreasonable but in all honesty, as much as I like him, I may seriously reconsider the relationship if he doesn't make any effort on said date. I know I can't expect him to be a mind-reader but I want to be with someone that doesn't have to be reminded of special dates. I had that for 20 years with my ex. It might sound harsh but we have other challenges in that our work hours are opposite and as a result, I spend a lot of time feeling quite lonely. I really like him (maybe love) but my gut is telling me that he has to show me that our relationship is worth it despite the challenges.

AIBU? Try to be kind - I'm quite fragile after my previous emotionally abusive relationship.

On the one hand you are saying you think his other qualities make up for the lack of romantic gestures but then go on to say you are thinking about ending the relationship if he doesn’t acknowledge this anniversary in some way. It really does depend on what is important to you - I would say talk to him and tell him how you feel. Does he know how important romance is to you? But don’t let this fester, after a horrible 20 year relationship you know what is important - be honest and direct then decide if your DP’s other qualities are indeed enough.

I think you’re setting yourself up to fail, you’re giving him an unknown task with a lot of meaning for you. You say you don’t expect him to be a mind reader, but it doesn’t look that way. Have you told him that anniversaries are important to you?

I’m sorry but it does sound a little unreasonable. For some people, anniversaries just aren’t a big deal. Is it worth ending a whole relationship over because he doesn’t fit a romantic ideal that you’ve built up in your head? If you are confident he loves you and you have a good relationship otherwise, to me it sounds like something you could let go.

My DH doesn’t see anniversaries as a big deal. If I were to force him to buy me cards and flowers, I know it would be a meaningless exercise to him so what would be the point? It wouldn’t make me feel loved or special and he would resent me for having to do it.

It sounds as if he is expected to pass this test, without knowing what the rules are.
You don't even seem sure of them yourself.

Why not just tell him you'd like a bit of romance?

@MonkeyPuddle

I think you’re setting yourself up to fail, you’re giving him an unknown task with a lot of meaning for you. You say you don’t expect him to be a mind reader, but it doesn’t look that way. Have you told him that anniversaries are important to you?

This.

He's always going to disappoint. Be honest with him and give him the chance to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't set him up to fail.

I remember dates and anniversaries DH doesn't. Nothing will really change this and it isn't a commentary on anything wider. He is a great and supportive husband and has been for many years.

If I pinned my entire view of our marriage on him remembering anniversaries or buying flowers, he would fail miserably. If I judged it on him being trustworthy, kind, supportive, a good dad, etc etc, he wins a gold medal.

*He hasn't said that he's not into it but in the last year, not a single flower which I think is a bit odd because I thought most men knew that women love flowers.

a rose on a pillow would be nice.

So, in two weeks time, it's the anniversary of the day we met.*

This reads like you're living in a fairytale.

Did you get into a relationship with him the day you first met him?

Bold fail

He hasn't said that he's not into it but in the last year, not a single flower which I think is a bit odd because I thought most men knew that women love flowers.

a rose on a pillow would be nice.

So, in two weeks time, it's the anniversary of the day we met.

This reads like you're living in a fairytale.

Did you get into a relationship with him the day you first met him?

Life is about so much more than hearts and flowers. After the past year or so I think many people have looked a lot more closely at their priorities in life.
Would you seriously feel a huge euphoric moment if your boyfriend brought you cards/ flowers/dinner?
Isn't the fact that day-to-day you have each other enough?

If he's got great qualities that outweigh your Mills & Boon ideals why would you. trade reality for romantic roses on pillows and special gifts. Having 20yrs in a not so great relationship would surely make the stability, and caring relationship you have now so much more special. No?
Setting up to fail seems a bit underhanded to be honest. If he forgets the day you met, you'll possibly end the relationship? Are you planning a full-on wall-to-wall day of romance and gifts? Have you ever stopped to think he probably doesn't want all these romantic gifts?
If you're not happy, then leave. It really is that simple.

Definitely let him know how you feel.

Personally I would prefer i.e. a cup of tea in bed made every morning over a grand gesture once a year. There's romance in small acts of kindness too. No reason why you can't have both, but I think you need to acknowledge that the big gestures don't come naturally to your bf and if he's worth being with it's fair to him to let him know what your expectations are and how happy it would make you for him to give you flowers once in a while. Just don't lose sight of how he treats you day to day as opposed to on Valentine's Day or your anniversary. That's the most important thing IMO.

You mentioned that you'd seen photos of him giving flowers to his ex girlfriends. I wouldn't ruminate on this. You have no idea of the circumstances and it's quite possible they had to ask for them as you may have to. Watch yourself if your having jealousy or thinking a lot about his past relationships. If they were so wonderful he's still be in them.

Thanks for the perspective everyone. In my head, I know it's unreasonable but I guess I'm a bit jaded over the whole thing. My ex and I never actually had an anniversary because we had a progressive relationship that started with him moving in as a flatmate. I often tried to designate an actual date we could celebrate, but he didn't agree with any of the dates so we just skipped them all together.

I am very guilty of not expressing my wants and needs. I analyse things way too much and I just can't help but think about his FB posts with past GFs. I am very fond of him and would love to see a future but he lives 45 mins away and we only get to see each other once a week most of the time and it's always rush, rush. Example: he works until about 2pm most weekends when I'm off work. I'll drive up to his place and stay until 5.30 because he goes to bed at 6pm. On his days off, I'm working and as a contractor, I don't get paid if I don't work. My finances are really tricky until my ex and I do our property settlement, so I can only take a day off once every couple of months. Because of this, I'll sometimes take a longer lunch break or an afternoon off so we can spend some time together.

I find the whole thing very hard which is made harder by the fact that we both have needy young teens. He knows that I'm unsure about the relationship because of the lack of time we spend together.

I'm not creating issues to look for a way out of the relationship but a bit of romance is really important to me because I want to feel like I'm valued as a partner. I find that in between our catch ups, I'm finding that I get really down with not having my other half available. He's really dedicated to his job and doesn't take sickies and I feel like I have to take time out of my work (which is more flexible than his) in order for us to spend time together. I don't mind doing this, despite it resulting in a lower pay check but I need to feel like he's meeting my needs if I'm making sacrifices. On the one had, I think that I sound selfish but on the other hand, shouldn't your personal needs be met on some level?

@users689033

*He hasn't said that he's not into it but in the last year, not a single flower which I think is a bit odd because I thought most men knew that women love flowers.

a rose on a pillow would be nice.

So, in two weeks time, it's the anniversary of the day we met.*

This reads like you're living in a fairytale.

Did you get into a relationship with him the day you first met him?

Yes, pretty much. We met via OLD and hit it off day 1.

Everyone has smart phones now.... put the Date in the phone... it's really not difficult... the question is do they care enough to put the Date in the phone...

You know he's given flowers to previous women he's been in relationships with, so why is yours different...

All you can do it ask.. or wait then ask....

Communication is key. Spell it out and don’t get embarrassed.
“Ooh wow, it’s coming up to a year since our first date, can you believe that?! I’d love a beautiful bunch of flowers to mark the occasion ”
If he then doesn’t get you flowers after that, then you can cross that bridge when you come to it. But as others have said you’re setting yourself up to fail by not saying anything and making yourself clear.
Are you planning to get him anything?

@Dunnowhatalltheacronymsmean

Definitely let him know how you feel.

Personally I would prefer i.e. a cup of tea in bed made every morning over a grand gesture once a year. There's romance in small acts of kindness too. No reason why you can't have both, but I think you need to acknowledge that the big gestures don't come naturally to your bf and if he's worth being with it's fair to him to let him know what your expectations are and how happy it would make you for him to give you flowers once in a while. Just don't lose sight of how he treats you day to day as opposed to on Valentine's Day or your anniversary. That's the most important thing IMO.

You mentioned that you'd seen photos of him giving flowers to his ex girlfriends. I wouldn't ruminate on this. You have no idea of the circumstances and it's quite possible they had to ask for them as you may have to. Watch yourself if your having jealousy or thinking a lot about his past relationships. If they were so wonderful he's still be in them.

I don't have any jealousy issues at all. He doesn't give me any reason to be jealous and I've never been like that anyway. You are right about not knowing the circumstances of his past relationships in that sense.

I guess I just can't understand why he doesn't do anything romantic at all and know that for whatever reason, this is something I really want. I like to leave little notes around, arrange little surprises etc. It feels great doing it but I get sad that I'm the only one making efforts in this department. He seems to genuinely enjoyed be treated.

So there's a few things that jump our at me. And I am sayingvthis as someone who is 6 years post abusive marriage.

But I am not sure your are ready to be in a relationship. Small romantic gestures are important to you, but haven't felt able to express that this is important to you. And I don't mean 'you must buy me flowers', but if you can't talk about what you both find important in a relationship, then it won't be successful.

He may have bought people flowers in the past because he had been told to. I know women who tell their dhs exactly which bouquet to get the for anniversaries or valentines day. It may not have been something, he thought to do. But did because he was explicitly asked or told to.

Since you aren't talking to him about these things, then he is probably just assuming you don't care about them.

Valentines day and flowers are 2 thing I dislike. Plenty of women don't like them, so it's not really for him to assume.

The anniversary of the day you met would not a be a big deal for most people and not something people celebrate. Lots of people don't celebrate anniversaries at all unless married.

You are setting him up to fail here. You are setting yourself up up disappointment.

I think you need to take sometime to recover from the abuse and learn how to, comfortably, express your needs in a relationship. The abuse is obviously still raw, because you need people to be gentle when talking about your new relationship.

How long was there between the abusive relationship and this one?

I am saying this for your own good. Not to be mean.

He works until 2pm and then goes to bed at 6pm??

So you see him for 3 hours a week?

I feel like I have to take time out of my work (which is more flexible than his) in order for us to spend time together. I don't mind doing this, despite it resulting in a lower pay check but I need to feel like he's meeting my needs if I'm making sacrifices.

So you have tricky finances, are supporting children and you are sacrificing paid work to cadge a couple of extra hours with someone who doesn't in any way reciprocate?

I say this with kindness, you are making the wrong choices here. I don't think you are in a good place to have a healthy relationship.

@CallMeRisley

Communication is key. Spell it out and don’t get embarrassed. “Ooh wow, it’s coming up to a year since our first date, can you believe that?! I’d love a beautiful bunch of flowers to mark the occasion ” If he then doesn’t get you flowers after that, then you can cross that bridge when you come to it. But as others have said you’re setting yourself up to fail by not saying anything and making yourself clear. Are you planning to get him anything?

That sounds so sensible but I struggle to ask anyone for anything. My ex was so difficult that my normal for a long time has been to do things I want/need to do for myself. BF is always offering to help me with things around the house and I know that he's genuinely offering but I can't bring myself to ever ask or accept as I feel like I'm just being annoying. Less anguish if I just do it myself.

I was planning on getting him something nice or organising something but I felt like such an idiot on Valentines day having gone to so much effort to do something special for him. He didn't forget valentines - he got me a bottle of wine and some chocolates which was fine but the week before, he took an identical gift around to his best friend's house as a house warming gift so it really didn't feel like he'd made any effort. His daughter came in when he was looking through his gift and said, Oh wow dad! That's so nice of SillyHousewife and then she scowled at him and said "was that all you got for her - pathetic". I wasn't bothered too much because at that stage, we'd only been together for a few months but now it's starting to stress me out a bit.

@Paq

He works until 2pm and then goes to bed at 6pm??

So you see him for 3 hours a week?

I see him for 3-4 hours a week and then once a fortnight one of us spends the night at the other's place. We are on the phone a couple of times a day and have regular chat-fests.

Given how little you see of him he sounds more like a casual boyfriend than a committed partner. I'm not sure I would expect an anniversary to be remembered in this situation. I think you are expecting far too much.

He got you wine and chocolates for Valentine’s Day and it wasn’t good enough?

nyktipolos, I left my ex 2.5 years ago.

ApolloandDaphne, we are in a committed relationship but it is really tricky. He's no stranger to the mismatched hours as he's been in his line of work for 30+ years.

CallMeRisley, it was definitely good enough. What I was saying was that he just got me the same thing he got his best mate which to me, says not much thought went into it. A few weeks later, he also gave his neighbour the exact same gift for letting him park in her driveway for 2 days when he had some renovations done. I love making the effort to do something special but not at the expense of feeling like I've gone above and beyond. I find it embarrassing as it makes me feel like I value the relationship more than the other person does. I know different people have different things that are important to them. I'm just worried that I might be settling for someone that doesn't meet my needs - or at least the needs I think I have.