AIBU to not remind BF about anniversary

[SillyHousewife]

I have been with my BF for almost a year. He's lovely though it's become clear over the last year that he's not at all romantic. I'm very sentimental and romantic and would love to be romanced but his good qualities are enough that I can mostly accept that he's not much into the whole thing. He hasn't said that he's not into it but in the last year, not a single flower which I think is a bit odd because I thought most men knew that women love flowers. I think this is the first relationship I've ever been in where there's been none in the first year. I'm not materialistic and don't expect huge bouquets but just a rose on a pillow would be nice. Also makes me a bit sad that I can see on his FB that he has given girlfriends flowers in the past.

So, in two weeks time, it's the anniversary of the day we met. I really want him to remember and make an effort on that day but I don't want to remind him. It was a while ago but on Valentines day this year, I went to a lot of effort to make him a special gift that focussed heavily on the date we met so, given that he has a good memory, I'm pretty sure he knows the date.

I know this is unreasonable but in all honesty, as much as I like him, I may seriously reconsider the relationship if he doesn't make any effort on said date. I know I can't expect him to be a mind-reader but I want to be with someone that doesn't have to be reminded of special dates. I had that for 20 years with my ex. It might sound harsh but we have other challenges in that our work hours are opposite and as a result, I spend a lot of time feeling quite lonely. I really like him (maybe love) but my gut is telling me that he has to show me that our relationship is worth it despite the challenges.

AIBU? Try to be kind - I'm quite fragile after my previous emotionally abusive relationship.

Did you spend anytime dealing with the abusive relationship before you started dating?

To be honest, I can't see what you are getting out of this relationship. It's unfortunate, but you spend surely any time together, things that are important to you aren't not him and you can't express to him they are. You lose money to see him.

You are also independent to the point its damaging (I was too) and refuse all offers of help, which is probably him trying to show he cares.

Just all seems like too much hard work. And now you are setting him a secret test, that you know he will fail

nyktipolos, you are right. I had regular counselling for a year and this is what led me to OLD - I was still spending too much time thinking about and talking to my ex and my counsellor suggested I start dating. I went on a couple of dates - BF was the third and we really clicked. While I may not ask for his help or express my needs very well, I do make it known that I want to spend more time with him. I think if we had different jobs and family circumstances, we'd be perfect for each other but we both still have another 15 years of working so that's not likely to change. Our kids will be home for at least another 4-6 years between us and due to schools etc, neither of us is likely to move in the near future.

Hi. I think if it's important to you then you need to be straight with him. I don't know a lot of people who remember the date of when they first met, let alone celebrate it. Is it something that he would normally celebrate, consider an anniversary? Like pp have said just mention it to him, "oh it's the anniversary of the day we met on xdate. We should do something special to celebrate. I know just what to get you, I would love a bunch of flowers."

My dh often doesn't remember occasions, I love giving gifts so I always remember and put extra effort in. I don't need gifts in exchange but I do remind dh because otherwise he tries to guilt buy after the day and overspend on stuff I would never want or use. So now I just say "oh it's our anniversary/my birthday/mothers day on xdate, I've put what I want in the amazon basket order it when you're ready". It works for us. I get to still get excited about whatever occasion in my own way, I accept that he doesn't remember dates and I get whatever I want.

Same as above. I tell partner what I want when, in all areas, makes life less complicated and no guesswork. I know what you mean re romance/feeling cherished/spontaneity... but I also know that direct works better so there is no "test". It is up to you whether this would be a deal breaker for you though.

Mrsweasleysclock, I just don't think I could say that. He earns a third of my wage and I don't want to ask or pressure him into spending money on me. He does well with his wage. He's got his budget all worked out with change to spare. He does drink a bit though not to the point of drunkardness. He always has money available for beer and dining out. We usually take turns at shouting the other if we are dining out.

I'm quite conscious of the difference in our wages but I'm not bothered by it other than not wanting to make him stretch his budget for me. It's more important to me to be with someone is is financially stable over someone who makes a lot and spends a lot.

I just feel that I want to be with someone who has that romantic spark. Maybe this wouldn't have been important to me 20 years ago but my ex really did a number on me and I just want to feel like I'm appreciated.

I'm probably just waffling on now. Thanks so much for your replies everyone. It's great to get other peoples ideas and perpectives.

i think you should read about love languages and tell him about it. "Look, I'm really in this camp of needing romantic gestures, that makes me feel loved. What makes you feel loved?" And listen to what he says. Leave the conversation having clearly said "I need you to remember special dates and mark them in a romantic way, and for me that's a deal breaker". Then it's up to him how he does it, rather than being super specific about a bunch of flowers on the day you met.

Yabu . It's just a day. It's how someone treats you ever day not on one day.

I've never celebrated the date I met boyfriends. Lots of people don't. To me an anniversary in a relationship is the date you're married.

Don't play games and set "tests" for him. He's not a mindreader.

Agree with others, ask him, tell him what you would like x

It's not an Anniversary, you're not married!

Calm down a bit it's only been a year.

If he's not making enough effort then get rid, don't waste anothet year together.

Setting your partner secret tests is a massive relationship red flag.

Hmmm

You have these unexpressed expectations that he isn't going to live up to . If he hasn't shown himself to be romantic by now he isn't likely to be

The day you first met is a weird anniversary . Why not tell him that is your anniversary date as ask him to put it into his calendar on phone as a yearly thing so that he remembers

Really though the underlying assumptions you have are quite prescriptive and untrue:-

• "all women like flowers", isn't true. I don't.
• 'all women like romantic fuss made of them', nope. Some find it cringe.
• 'he doesn't care if he doesn't go all out with a fuss', equally untrue. I'd rather have 100s of little thoughtful actions than a once a year big romantic gesture. You know cup of tea brought to me in bed, my hair brushed, big hug and obvious delight in seeing me, silly text that asks how I am on a bad day...

Ginghamize, that's a great idea. I will definitely look into it but it may raise another concern I have. We've never really said "I love you". Several months ago, I said to him "I can see that one day, I'm going to fall madly in love with you". His response was to smile and say "Well, that's good". I didn't worry too much about it but then three months ago, he said "I think I'm falling in love with you". His earlier response must have been in my head because when he said that, I paused and then without thinking said "Well, that's good". Pretty cheeky and I was shocked I said it but I just couldn't think of anything else to say.

A couple of months ago, I told him that I loved him but it was when we were both cuddled up and feeling a bit euphoric. I honestly can't recall what he replied with - must have been the wine. Lol

Anyway, we've not said anything like that since but he does regularly send me messages saying:
I'm really into you
Have I told you I'm smitten?

I have my own interpretation of the word smitten and I think it's pretty positive but I'm wondering if he says it as a form of I love you? It's an awkward thing to ask, really. I don't want to over or under interpret it and am not sure I should ask exactly what he means.

@SillyHousewife

CallMeRisley, it was definitely good enough. What I was saying was that he just got me the same thing he got his best mate which to me, says not much thought went into it. A few weeks later, he also gave his neighbour the exact same gift for letting him park in her driveway for 2 days when he had some renovations done. I love making the effort to do something special but not at the expense of feeling like I've gone above and beyond. I find it embarrassing as it makes me feel like I value the relationship more than the other person does. I know different people have different things that are important to them. I'm just worried that I might be settling for someone that doesn't meet my needs - or at least the needs I think I have.

So, what if he buys you flowers but they’re from the wrong shop? Or they’re the wrong type of flowers, the bunch is too small, you don’t like the colours? They’re the same bunch he’s bought his Mum (or same bunch he’s bought his ex, as you’ve looked it up on social media)?

You’re setting imaginary hurdles for him to jump over that he has no idea about. He doesn’t stand a chance, you’re setting it up to fail.

If you really feel that being given specific gifts that meet your requirements is what you need out of the relationship then be clear. But be prepared for it to sound a bit silly, because it is- “I’d like you to buy me a bottle of wine, but not the same type of wine that you’ve bought for anyone else”.

If there are other things that you aren’t getting out of the relationship then that’s a separate issue.

Agree that you're setting him up to fail. Anniversaries, particularly when it's just a 'when we met/got together' one and not a marriage anniversary, aren't always a big deal to people or that memorable. If it's a big deal to you, let him know in advance.

But if you are expecting anniversaries of dates to be as important to him as it is to you, you might be disappointed.

Wine and chocolate after five months of casual dating is plenty.

The only people I know that would want a big deal made over the date they met are teen boyfriends and girlfriends.

I think you should stop relying on other people to get you the things you want. You can buy yourself some flowers - why not?! If he's not the flower buying type but he is a good man, then the flowers don't matter one bit. Last night, I was waxing lyrical about how happy I am in our new house, and at this point in my life, I looked at dh (we were on a walk) and he said "I wonder why that telegraph pole has no wire on it". I could have been hurt but I just laughed. This man is the main reason I'm so happy. Soppy words and gestures would be nice once in a while but daily cups of tea etc are his language if love, not flowers. So if that's the case with your dp, cut out the middle man and fill your own vases! You deserve flowers and you deserve not to have to only hope for them.

@Ginghamize

i think you should read about love languages and tell him about it. "Look, I'm really in this camp of needing romantic gestures, that makes me feel loved. What makes you feel loved?" And listen to what he says. Leave the conversation having clearly said "I need you to remember special dates and mark them in a romantic way, and for me that's a deal breaker". Then it's up to him how he does it, rather than being super specific about a bunch of flowers on the day you met.

Good advice!

TBH from all your updates it sounds like there are cracks forming in this relationship, you don't feel secure or confident about a future with him so you're looking for some grand gestures of romance as reassurance.

Unfortunately flowers and love notes might give you a temporary mood boost but would really just paper over the cracks temporarily, not address the actual problems.

@nyktipolos

So there's a few things that jump our at me. And I am sayingvthis as someone who is 6 years post abusive marriage.

But I am not sure your are ready to be in a relationship. Small romantic gestures are important to you, but haven't felt able to express that this is important to you. And I don't mean 'you must buy me flowers', but if you can't talk about what you both find important in a relationship, then it won't be successful.

He may have bought people flowers in the past because he had been told to. I know women who tell their dhs exactly which bouquet to get the for anniversaries or valentines day. It may not have been something, he thought to do. But did because he was explicitly asked or told to.

Since you aren't talking to him about these things, then he is probably just assuming you don't care about them.

Valentines day and flowers are 2 thing I dislike. Plenty of women don't like them, so it's not really for him to assume.

The anniversary of the day you met would not a be a big deal for most people and not something people celebrate. Lots of people don't celebrate anniversaries at all unless married.

You are setting him up to fail here. You are setting yourself up up disappointment.

I think you need to take sometime to recover from the abuse and learn how to, comfortably, express your needs in a relationship. The abuse is obviously still raw, because you need people to be gentle when talking about your new relationship.

How long was there between the abusive relationship and this one?

I am saying this for your own good. Not to be mean.

this absolutely.

Deciding to potentially leave a relationship based on him being set up to fail a test he doesn’t know it happening or the rules for is madness.

Nobody has ever left a rose on my pillow in my entire life, nor would I expect them to.

If you’re not happy with him as a boyfriend by all means leave for whatever reason you like, but your expectations on this are unfair and unnecessary.

@MorriseysGladioli

It sounds as if he is expected to pass this test, without knowing what the rules are. You don't even seem sure of them yourself.

Why not just tell him you'd like a bit of romance?

I agree with this. If its important to you, then book something and tell him why you have booked on that date. Give him notice so he's not on the back foot.

But remember anniversaries aren't important to everyone

@tinselvestsparklepants

I think you should stop relying on other people to get you the things you want. You can buy yourself some flowers - why not?! If he's not the flower buying type but he is a good man, then the flowers don't matter one bit. Last night, I was waxing lyrical about how happy I am in our new house, and at this point in my life, I looked at dh (we were on a walk) and he said "I wonder why that telegraph pole has no wire on it". I could have been hurt but I just laughed. This man is the main reason I'm so happy. Soppy words and gestures would be nice once in a while but daily cups of tea etc are his language if love, not flowers. So if that's the case with your dp, cut out the middle man and fill your own vases! You deserve flowers and you deserve not to have to only hope for them.

also this. One of the best memories I have of my late DH is having a pillow fight in Woolworths. I could work out which year it was but have no idea of the date, similarly i could tell you a lot about the day we met but no idea of the date or even the month.

Its all very well people saying that they'd rather have small significant gestures than grand empty ones, but it doesn't even sound like the OP is getting small gestures. This man is fitting her into his work for 3 hours a week... and she is taking time off work for that!!

OP, he may say nice things but what is he really DOING? He doesnt buy you flowers, or make an effort for you. More importantly, he hasn't made an effort to find out what matters to YOU. That's what a good boyfriend does - he finds out what makes you happy, and then does it.

You are worth that extra bit of care and attention. Make sure you are in a relationship with someone who provides it.

Some people are romantic, some people aren't. It's honestly not a reflection of how he feels about you. If it's important to you, I agree with the advice above to tell him that it's important that you celebrate special dates. And once you've explained that, it's reasonable to expect him to take note of it. But don't expect him to suddenly become amazing at getting you an amazing thoughtful gift. That's just not who he is. And don't play mind games either.

You are going to have to tell him as I think your expectations are fairly high for this.
I know a bunch of flowers or a rose on a pillow are only small things to want but the whole disappointment about a ‘box of chocs and wine that he bought someone else’ is too intense. I think you need to relax somewhat on this or you’ll be bitterly disappointed.