AIBU to not remind BF about anniversary

[SillyHousewife]

I have been with my BF for almost a year. He's lovely though it's become clear over the last year that he's not at all romantic. I'm very sentimental and romantic and would love to be romanced but his good qualities are enough that I can mostly accept that he's not much into the whole thing. He hasn't said that he's not into it but in the last year, not a single flower which I think is a bit odd because I thought most men knew that women love flowers. I think this is the first relationship I've ever been in where there's been none in the first year. I'm not materialistic and don't expect huge bouquets but just a rose on a pillow would be nice. Also makes me a bit sad that I can see on his FB that he has given girlfriends flowers in the past.

So, in two weeks time, it's the anniversary of the day we met. I really want him to remember and make an effort on that day but I don't want to remind him. It was a while ago but on Valentines day this year, I went to a lot of effort to make him a special gift that focussed heavily on the date we met so, given that he has a good memory, I'm pretty sure he knows the date.

I know this is unreasonable but in all honesty, as much as I like him, I may seriously reconsider the relationship if he doesn't make any effort on said date. I know I can't expect him to be a mind-reader but I want to be with someone that doesn't have to be reminded of special dates. I had that for 20 years with my ex. It might sound harsh but we have other challenges in that our work hours are opposite and as a result, I spend a lot of time feeling quite lonely. I really like him (maybe love) but my gut is telling me that he has to show me that our relationship is worth it despite the challenges.

AIBU? Try to be kind - I'm quite fragile after my previous emotionally abusive relationship.

This is not how relationships work. Nobody is a mind reader, you need to communicate. Stop playing games, or you'll be the architect of your own disappointment.

@Unhomme

Don't be ridiculous. Anniversaries of the day you met are not a thing. What next, an anniversary of the first time you went on holiday?

Don’t be rude, to some people they are. Myself and my partner buy each other goodies and go out for a meal on the anniversary of our first date. It’s a nice way to mark the passing of time together

OP anniversaries can be to mark any significant date so ignore the pp who linked them to marriage only.

I'm with an unromantic man I met on OLD but his other traits are exactly what I was looking for. We celebrate the anniversary of our first date in a broad way (we consider ourselves life partners after nearly 5 years but we'll never marry - we're both early 50's). We usually take a weekend break abroad or at home or worst case due to restrictions, a more exclusive restaurant than where we'd normally eat around that date. It may not encompass the exact date and on the date itself, we don't mention it. The trip is a treat to ourselves to celebrate us.

My concern for your relationship is the restriction on time and the fact that it will be this way for some years due to the needs of the kids. I think you're going to struggle to build in some special times that may be more meaningful than flowers etc.

I understand why you'd like the acknowledgement right now though, as you are very restricted and so small gifts are an easy way of expressing feelings without too much time/cost.

He does sound like a nice guy but I think the situation isn't the one for you OP. There will be others.

You sound intense OP, and have a very fixed idea of this Disney style romance. Not everyone is into that, but it’s perfectly ok for you to decide that it’s something you need, and it’s a deal breaker for you, we’re all different. If that’s the case for you, then you need to be able to vocalise it, because not everyone is the same. I’ve never experienced that kind of romance, and to be honest, I’m not sure I’d want to, it makes me uncomfortable, people show love in different ways, there’s no set standard.

I do think though that whilst it’s perfectly valid to want that kind of romance in a relationship, you still need to keep it in perspective. You were a very new couple at valentines, and his efforts were pretty standard, whereas you seemed to put a lot of thought and effort in, which whilst lovely, might be a bit much so early on.
Never give more to a relationship than you’re getting back!

On another note though:
I thought most men knew that women love flowers

Knock it off with the sexist generalisations, women aren’t a hive mind, we don’t all love flowers 😄

BF is always offering to help me with things around the house and I know that he's genuinely offering but I can't bring myself to ever ask or accept as I feel like I'm just being annoying. Less anguish if I just do it myself.

Well there you go.
THAT is his love language, but you feel unable to accept it.

Maybe he feels rejected when you decline his kind offers.
Maybe it's as important to him to give small acts of service to his g/f as the flowers thing is to you.
Let him help you! There is generosity involved in receiving, as well as giving.

And please ... counselling! If your self esteem is so low you feel you are "annoying" for accepting help from your own b/f, you need some handholding while an expert helps you get to grips with the reasons underlying that. You should not be experiencing "anguish" over this.

That's not to scold you for how you feel btw - it's understandable after 20 years with Mr Abusive. But I'm concerned about how much weight & worrying you are putting into a relationship which should still be at the fun stage, especially when you only see him a couple of times a week. You deserve to feel a lot better than this, & there are experienced therapists out there who will help you come to terms with what's still ailing you, & give you techniques to help you feel more comfortable & confident.

This is pathetic. Honestly, things like this give women a bad name, and I'm usually the last person to say that.

OP,

I also think you are hanging around and wasting time for a man that doesn't really have time for this relationship.

I think you should be very wary.
This relationship is on his terms, not yours.

My DH is awful at anything involving dates - birthdays, anniversaries... but I genuinely don’t care as he shows me every day he loves and cherishes me; for example he is supportive of helping me carve out time to do my expensive hobby and is even looking at getting into it himself so we can spend more time together. Things like that are more important to me than a gift on a specified date 🤷‍♀️

@goinggently

This is not how relationships work. Nobody is a mind reader, you need to communicate. Stop playing games, or you'll be the architect of your own disappointment.

This is correct.

Op you have to tell him what is important to you. He is not a mind reader.
We used to do valentines day but stopped as it was so expensive.
I have no idea of when we met or other dates. I can just about remember our wedding anniversary but have to think how long ago.
Yet I know someone who needs to celebrate every anniversary, first met, first something else engagement wedding. She seems to be contantly celebrating something.
Just chat about what you want from the relationship and what matters.

To me 'first date' is an anniversary only 12 year olds would celebrate. It seems extraordinarily bizarre that you are making it into a big thing.

I think the actual issue here is how little time you get together, maybe you feel like you need these big gestures because you see so little of him?

I’ve only just caught on… anniversary of the day you met!?? OP he will think you are nuts.

Thanks all. I figured I was being unreasonable which is why I posted. I guess at the end of the day, the issue is that he is very confident and comfortable with this relationship as he has been through the challenges with his work with previous partners. Unfortunately, my ex had me by his side pretty much every second outside of work. The last 3 years we were together, I wasn't allowed to leave the house unaccompanied at all. So, I've gone from way way too much time with someone to this 'when we can fit each other in' relationship.

He is an honest and loyal man who is very secure within himself whereas I think my attachment style is now anxious (it wasn't before) and I find that in between our dates, I feel like he's losing interest even though I know he isn't. This probably isn't the right type of relationship for me although I'd like it to be.

It's literally doing my head in thinking that we could be doing this for another 4-6 years. We went away for a 2 night break recently to make sure that we did actually get along for more than a few hours at a time. It was a beautiful trip and it probably concreted our relationship all the more.

Before my ex, I had a number of short to medium term relationships and they were all really romantic. Even my abusive ex was pretty romantic so I actually haven't experienced no romance before. In my mind, the lack of romance is saying "I'm not that into you". I think that we learn by experience and my dad always bought mum flowers and left little notes for her. He was nightshift worker too so I don't really have a problem with odd hours because I grew up with it.

Surely, wanting a small romantic gesture just once doesn't mean I'm looking for the unachievable fairytale? I don't think I'm being irrational and overly optimistic to want a gesture of some sort that says "hey, I really care about you". But, I guess he is saying it in different ways.

I'm not actually trying to set up a test for him. I'm just looking for something from him that tells me that all my in-between-dates worries are worth it because he cares enough to make a gesture. When we're together, we are great but it's too much time apart that's making me insecure. I don't have any worries of him cheating - I think I'm more worried that he'll find me annoying/ugly/'Insert every other negative trait here'.

I know this is self esteem related. I am very logical and three different counsellors have all told me I'm very level headed and they can't help me much more after several visits. I've let myself fall apart in their offices on more than one occasion so it's not that I'm hiding my problems. I'm an open book generally.

I'm not a bad person at all and I'm not living in a fantasy world. I just need a little bit of romance to make me feel more secure in this new relationship and world I guess.

You're just setting him up and actually making it pretty one sided. When our anniversary is coming up one of us says "our anniversary is coming up, do you want to do presents or just go out for dinner or something?"
You can't expect someone to know what you're thinking.

How do you romance him? Because maybe if you do the things, that will show him that that's how you show your feelings and he may actually do it then too.

We shows ours with food or small things like foot massage after long day. I sometimes get him nice joint of lamb if I see some. He sometimes brings me fruit he knows i love.

I understand where you are coming from with seing it in your parent's relationship, but every relationship is different. There are no two same ones.

If the romance and flowers and whatnot means really that lot to you, well... You need to find someone on the same wavelength, quite frankly. Or compromise and communicate.

You’re not unreasonable in expecting romantic gestures if they are important to you. You are in not letting him know.
Tell him that symbolic gestures are important to you and you understand it’s too late for this time but in the future you’d really value things like flowers / cards / small surprises.

Get him something to mark the occasion.
My DH keeps track of each anniversary and I would always forget… but I’ve learnt to make a fuss as it’s so important to him and really enjoy his thoughtfulness. You’ve got to lead by example.

I'm not actually trying to set up a test for him.

I mean this kindly OP ... this is exactly what you are doing.
You are hoping for a gesture which he has never made in your year of dating, & have decided that if he doesn't miraculously intuit your desire, you will bin the relationship.

Maybe you are hanging some other worries onto this gesture.
You only get 3 hours a week with this man, & can see no hope of that changing for about 6 years.

You're allowed to decide that this doesn't work for you.
You're allowed to want more.
Maybe this has been a lovely relationship for a year, but isn't fulfilling your needs any more.

Whatever you decide, this isn't fixable by "changing him".
So your decision is whether you are content with 3 hours a week & I think an overnight each month? - or whether you want to call it quits, spend some time with yourself, & remain open to meeting a b/f who will make more time for you.

Have you ever read the book "Love Languages" ............it really helped me to understand how I express love and how others do it in different ways. For a relationship to work you need to be able to understand each other.............I am someone who puts a lot of thought into gifts, my dh would do anything for me but his approach to gifts is very different ........it doesn't mean he doesn't love me, he just expresses it differently.

This thread has reminded me that it was our wedding anniversary last week. Neither I nor DH had remembered until just now. It doesn't mean we love each other any less.

We were together for many years before we married but I imagine us ever celebrating the day we met even if we could remember when that was.

.I am someone who puts a lot of thought into gifts, my dh would do anything for me but his approach to gifts is very different ........

I know exactly what ....... At the end there means😂 I write lists to santa and birthday elf. No point in fighting it. I still get some surprise and it's usually nice, but god is he...... Yeah. With gifts 😂 But yeah, shows it in different ways. Everyone is different. Bless otherwise life would be boring!

@SillyHousewife

Thanks all. I figured I was being unreasonable which is why I posted. I guess at the end of the day, the issue is that he is very confident and comfortable with this relationship as he has been through the challenges with his work with previous partners. Unfortunately, my ex had me by his side pretty much every second outside of work. The last 3 years we were together, I wasn't allowed to leave the house unaccompanied at all. So, I've gone from way way too much time with someone to this 'when we can fit each other in' relationship.

He is an honest and loyal man who is very secure within himself whereas I think my attachment style is now anxious (it wasn't before) and I find that in between our dates, I feel like he's losing interest even though I know he isn't. This probably isn't the right type of relationship for me although I'd like it to be.

It's literally doing my head in thinking that we could be doing this for another 4-6 years. We went away for a 2 night break recently to make sure that we did actually get along for more than a few hours at a time. It was a beautiful trip and it probably concreted our relationship all the more.

Before my ex, I had a number of short to medium term relationships and they were all really romantic. Even my abusive ex was pretty romantic so I actually haven't experienced no romance before. In my mind, the lack of romance is saying "I'm not that into you". I think that we learn by experience and my dad always bought mum flowers and left little notes for her. He was nightshift worker too so I don't really have a problem with odd hours because I grew up with it.

Surely, wanting a small romantic gesture just once doesn't mean I'm looking for the unachievable fairytale? I don't think I'm being irrational and overly optimistic to want a gesture of some sort that says "hey, I really care about you". But, I guess he is saying it in different ways.

I'm not actually trying to set up a test for him. I'm just looking for something from him that tells me that all my in-between-dates worries are worth it because he cares enough to make a gesture. When we're together, we are great but it's too much time apart that's making me insecure. I don't have any worries of him cheating - I think I'm more worried that he'll find me annoying/ugly/'Insert every other negative trait here'.

I know this is self esteem related. I am very logical and three different counsellors have all told me I'm very level headed and they can't help me much more after several visits. I've let myself fall apart in their offices on more than one occasion so it's not that I'm hiding my problems. I'm an open book generally.

I'm not a bad person at all and I'm not living in a fantasy world. I just need a little bit of romance to make me feel more secure in this new relationship and world I guess.

YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE.

YOU ARE NOT WANTING THE MOON AND THE STARS.

YOUR FEELINGS OF WANTING TO BE CHERISHED ARE VALID.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG BY WANTING A ROMANTIC PARTNER.

- and breathe -

However, you have basically entered into a committed relationship without him doing those things. If he is not romantic by nature, it is going to be very, very hard to go back. After all, it was fine when he didn’t do anything romantic?

I think you need to sit down and say that you need a bit more from him. You want some surprises, some romance, you love flowers and surprises. Plan to do the same for him too. The relationship is going so nicely that you want to make things even more special. See if he rises to the occasion.

Last time I returned home- I had a massage therapist waiting for me. Sometimes it is flowers, or a little trinket or useful unsexy item. But I’m constantly surprised and enjoying my ‘fairytale’ (LOL). Romantic men exist, as you know from your dad. They are out there, and some men will be romantic and rise to it if you communicate its importance.

A lot of people here want you to accept bare minimum because then their relationships are the normal and standard. Anything nicer than that is a ‘fairytale’ and ‘unrealistic’.

Good luck

Oh and everyone talking about Love Languages is hilarious. You do realise it was written by a priest to make catholic wives submit to sex as ‘physical touch’ was their love language (not envy).

A good relationship will have ALL of the ‘love languages’. Not ‘oh he puts the dishwasher on so he doesn’t need to buy me flowers’

@Suprima

Oh and everyone talking about Love Languages is hilarious. You do realise it was written by a priest to make catholic wives submit to sex as ‘physical touch’ was their love language (not envy).

A good relationship will have ALL of the ‘love languages’. Not ‘oh he puts the dishwasher on so he doesn’t need to buy me flowers’

Well now i want to read it😱

You're not going to change him. Some people see value in the soppy stuff and some people don't. If you're not happy with him the way he is, find someone else.

@Granllanog

Have you ever read the book "Love Languages" ............it really helped me to understand how I express love and how others do it in different ways. For a relationship to work you need to be able to understand each other.............I am someone who puts a lot of thought into gifts, my dh would do anything for me but his approach to gifts is very different ........it doesn't mean he doesn't love me, he just expresses it differently.

Seconding the recommendation for this book. It's really enlightening and helps one process not only difficulties in relating to the love languages of one's spouse, but also parents, children etc...