AIBU to not remind BF about anniversary

[SillyHousewife]

I have been with my BF for almost a year. He's lovely though it's become clear over the last year that he's not at all romantic. I'm very sentimental and romantic and would love to be romanced but his good qualities are enough that I can mostly accept that he's not much into the whole thing. He hasn't said that he's not into it but in the last year, not a single flower which I think is a bit odd because I thought most men knew that women love flowers. I think this is the first relationship I've ever been in where there's been none in the first year. I'm not materialistic and don't expect huge bouquets but just a rose on a pillow would be nice. Also makes me a bit sad that I can see on his FB that he has given girlfriends flowers in the past.

So, in two weeks time, it's the anniversary of the day we met. I really want him to remember and make an effort on that day but I don't want to remind him. It was a while ago but on Valentines day this year, I went to a lot of effort to make him a special gift that focussed heavily on the date we met so, given that he has a good memory, I'm pretty sure he knows the date.

I know this is unreasonable but in all honesty, as much as I like him, I may seriously reconsider the relationship if he doesn't make any effort on said date. I know I can't expect him to be a mind-reader but I want to be with someone that doesn't have to be reminded of special dates. I had that for 20 years with my ex. It might sound harsh but we have other challenges in that our work hours are opposite and as a result, I spend a lot of time feeling quite lonely. I really like him (maybe love) but my gut is telling me that he has to show me that our relationship is worth it despite the challenges.

AIBU? Try to be kind - I'm quite fragile after my previous emotionally abusive relationship.

I think tell him! Anniversary of the day you met - that wouldn't even occur to me to be something to celebrate to be honest. DH and I hardly remember our wedding anniversary! If I was with someone who did think it important, I'd definitely want/need to know as I would feel a bit set up to fail otherwise.

It does sound a bit weird for a year in. You haven't really properly said you love each other, you only see each other for three hours a week. Are you sure you're both on the same page about how committed this relationship is? It sounds quite casual to me, which is fine if that's what you're both after, but it seems like you want a lot more. Does he?

@MonkeyPuddle

I think you’re setting yourself up to fail, you’re giving him an unknown task with a lot of meaning for you. You say you don’t expect him to be a mind reader, but it doesn’t look that way. Have you told him that anniversaries are important to you?

This. Don't set tests.

Some peoppe really aren't into kt. I am mot into this, my DH isn't into it. We never did flowers, we do dinner on anniversary because it's a good excuse to partaaaay.

You sound like he is similar to us and you are the opposite, so you need to talk and find a middle. Good communication and compromise is way more important than flowers😉

I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill, and are focusing very much on the superficial aspects of your relationship and confusing it by turning it into Very Important Stuff. Good relationships are not about Instagram photos, roses on pillows and being sung to by a minstrel in a 5 star restaurant. However if they are that important to you at the expense of everything else (you’re talking about dumping your partner if he doesn’t remember he’s meant to be Prince Charming) then make sure he knows about your expectations, it’s hardly fair to have all these unrealistic ideals that he can’t fulfill because he doesn’t know about them. We show our love in relationships in different ways, it this is what he needs to do to make you feel loved then tell him but also remember many would find this a bit over the top. The problem really is that you are not communicating well, that’s something to work on.

@SillyHousewife

CallMeRisley, it was definitely good enough. What I was saying was that he just got me the same thing he got his best mate which to me, says not much thought went into it. A few weeks later, he also gave his neighbour the exact same gift for letting him park in her driveway for 2 days when he had some renovations done. I love making the effort to do something special but not at the expense of feeling like I've gone above and beyond. I find it embarrassing as it makes me feel like I value the relationship more than the other person does. I know different people have different things that are important to them. I'm just worried that I might be settling for someone that doesn't meet my needs - or at least the needs I think I have.

Bit you're doing that for you, because it makes you feel good doing it. I could understand getting upset if he'd ignored Valentine's day, but he didn't. The thing that make him feel good might be doing the DIY for you, so personally I'd let him do a few jobs and then to my kind you're even.

To my mind you're even.

after a 20 year emotionally abusive relationship - but the ex did remember anniversaries, I think I'd be reconsidering my priorities

@ThinWomansBrain

after a 20 year emotionally abusive relationship - but the ex did remember anniversaries, I think I'd be reconsidering my priorities

“At least he’s not abusing you” eye roll

OP this thread is full of women whose husbands don’t do romantic things for them so they want you to accept the same

However you have got into this unromantic relationship so as a pp poster said, you are setting him up to fail. It seems your past experiences are making you settle as this man has many good qualities.

You will need to communicate that these big days and gestures of romance are important to you. If you don’t have that chat, he won’t know. You have accepted this so far after all

I would pull up your big girl pants and have an honest conversation with him. You’re a year in and seem to be on v different pages communication wise. You want text book romance. I’ve went out with a fair few men over the years and had a reasonable amount of flowers but never has a man laid a rose on my pillow!

He has told you he loves you. You kind of brushed it off. He tells you he is really into you. He is smitten. You do nice things for him, little notes etc. Next step is to have a decent chat about how things are going, how you both feel, what’s important to you moving forward.

When we first met my husband was shit at birthday/Christmas/valentines stuff. It sent him into an absolute panic. So after about a year we had a good chat. I’m not remotely interested in getting big bunches of overpriced red roses on valentines. I don’t even like roses. I don’t want all these valentines themed gifts or to go out for a meal just because it’s valentines. He thought all women liked that. Now I get a small gift - book, scarf etc. We will have a nice dinner at home. This suits both of us but it didn’t just happen, we had to talk about it.

Expecting your BF to read your mind is unfair. I’ve no idea of the date I met my husband. I think it was end of July. He thinks it might have been beginning of July. Lol. We do have a wedding anniversary that we mark but not when we actually met.

You sound like you want to be wooed. Absolutely no issue with that but in reality you work opposite hours, both have kids, live a bit away from each other and your whole relationship has been during a pandemic so that restricts things a bit!

I don’t know what your childcare set up is - both of your set ups. Can you have a chat with him about wanting to spend a bit more time with him and seeing if you can organise some AL to spend some time together? I know you don’t think he is v romantic but he does seem thoughtful - wee gifts to friends and neighbour/messages to you. Starting a relationship in these circumstances is hard x

Just remind him. It is only your first anniversary and it will set expectations for how you like to do anniversaries. No point in not bringing it up and you’ll both have a miserable day

You shouldnt rely on someone else providing gestures that you find romantic. You will be disappointed. People think differently.

A friend of mine hasnt been on a holiday / break away in years because she wants her husband to surprise her and whisk her away. She is refusing to book anything herself. Now he's not a holiday planning type of person at all. So the outcome is that neither get go on holiday! What a waste!

Buy your own flowers and treat yourself. Book a romantic meal for you both on your anniversary.

What I am trying to say is, dont miss out because someone else doesnt act in the way you want them too. It doesnt make them a bad person. People are just different.

As mentioned above, you are now in the territory of playing games with him.

The relationship, for obvious reasons sounds very slow moving.

But part of me thinks you know this isn't the relationship for you, due to a lot of things. And you are in it, just because you are. It's better than the alternative which is unknown.

I also think you have set this mystery test as an out. You want him to do something for an anniversary most people wouldn't do anything for and if he doesn't pass you are considering ending the relationship. Andbyou couldn't possibly make it a test he could pass, because you can't possibly be open about your expectations.

This isn't a healthy and good relationship.

You also say you are in a committed relationship, what commitments have you made to each other?

I think you are being very mean setting him up to fail a test. The test is all in your head. He is not a mind reader.
Why can't you just text, 'wow, just realised it is nearly a year since our first date! Best year ever.'
Give the guy a chance.

Don't be ridiculous. Anniversaries of the day you met are not a thing. What next, an anniversary of the first time you went on holiday?

And OP I would def take him up on him offering to do odd jobs for you. Now that is something I have always loved. Much more than romantic gestures or flowers. If a man can put a shelf up or fix my washing machine or put the bins out!! For him these offers may be him showing you he cares.

And I also meant to say how on earth do you know from FB that he gave flowers to previous GFs? If it’s because they posted pics of look at these gorgeous flowers X got me, that prob says more about them than your man x

Honestly? I wouldn't consider it an anniversary or mark it in any way.
That said, you're obviously not happy so yanbu to reconsider the relationship as you're not compatible.

@users689033

He hasn't said that he's not into it but in the last year, not a single flower which I think is a bit odd because I thought most men knew that women love flowers.

a rose on a pillow would be nice.

So, in two weeks time, it's the anniversary of the day we met.

This reads like you're living in a fairytale.

Did you get into a relationship with him the day you first met him?

This ^

Flowers are a waste of money imo. I'd much rather someone be nice to me everyday to be honest, and anniversaries are a two way street - where are his flowers, what did you plan for him for the anniversary?

Flowers get old, reliability and affection don't. I think you are possibly self sabotaging here OP, and booby trapping your relationship with lots of hoops he will inevitably fail to jump through.
You have the right to express your feelings
You have the right to ask for what you want and need
You have the right to leave for any reason.

I think that your boyfriend is, for example, noticing things that you may need help with and offering to do them for you. To me that is really kind and caring and the sort of thing I love my partner to do. You seem to want something else, love notes, flowers, gifts…that’s ok, but either you haven’t told your partner, or he’s not one for those sort of gifts. I personally those things not very meaningful (flowers etc) and while they are nice, it’s almost like you want these demonstrations of love more than actually being in love. You’ve said yourself you just like him. Maybe you need to take a step back and think about whether you are really friends, whether you have things in common and get along well, whether you fancy each other. If you do then definitely continue to see him, and let him know that you like romantic gifts. If you don’t have those other things then all the flowers in the world are meaningless.

You will never have good relationships with any man until you realise you need to communicate what you want. Nobody either male or female will celebrate 'the day they met'. It is entirely reasonable to mark it if you want to, however you have to explain to him exactly what you want. You like flowers? Tell him you love flowers and find it so romantic to be presented 'with a rose on a pillow' (let's hope he won't run away). If you want a person to initiate all these romantic gestures themselves then you need to hang out with 13 yo girls.
Jokes aside, just tell him!

@Suprima

OP this thread is full of women whose husbands don’t do romantic things for them so they want you to accept the same

That’s not true at all. My DP does lots of romantic things for me. I don’t like flowers, but he’ll pick up a little treat he knows I know such as a bag of posh crisps and nice dip. He gets up with the baby in the night (possibly the most romantic thing ever!) and makes sure I get enough sleep, he listens to what I say might want for an occasion- for example I love ice in my drinks and was always buying bags of ice cubes from the supermarket or filling the ice trays, so for my birthday he bought me an ice maker, I use it all day every day to have ice cold drinks! Much better and more personal than generic flowers.

However, the OP was asking should she purposely conceal the fact that it is the anniversary of their first date, to wait and see what he does, and then get sad and annoyed when he inevitably forgets. I would communicate what I wanted with my DP- “Oh wow, did you know that next Saturday it’s a whole year since our first date? Shall we go for a meal to celebrate? I’ll book X restaurant. I’d love a bunch of flowers from you to mark the occasion”.

You aren't compatible. You want all the Disney romance he clearly doesn't want to do that.

There is only one anniversary I acknowledge and that is our wedding anniversary.

You rejected his love gestures offering to mend things do DIY some people are practical and doing things for their partner is part of it yes you could get a joiner plumber or whatever to do what he volunteered to do but it might feel to him you are rejecting his offers of support and help someone earlier recommended a book called love languages yours is " romantic gestures" his sounds like practical help my DH would buy flowers if I asked but he would then ask what kind which shop is best when do you want them etc however when because of a silly accident on my part the bumper on my car was damaged he spent ages putting it right so I saved £200 plus on a garage bill he mended it outside in cold and wet so I could use it again the next day , that says I love you deeper than a bunch of roses I accept he loves me without the gestures because I know he does but he doesn't do anniversaries birthdays etc and he really doesn't expect anything for his he doesn't want things he doesn't need

I'm sorry about your previous relationship, & pleased you managed to escape it - well done! I also hope you've had some counselling to come to terms with the dynamic of that relationship, or at least done The Freedom Programme?

Now please brace yourself, because there's some Tough Love coming.

Different people express affection differently.
You already have an inkling of this, as you talk about how his good qualities outweigh the fact that his 'love language' is different from yours.

You are being desperately unfair to him.
You are hanging your own insecurities onto a non-issue, & prepared to risk the entire relationship over a bunch of flowers.
He is not a mind reader!
How many times have you bought him flowers? Put a rose on his pillow? But you expect him to miraculously know that you would enjoy being wooed with flowers?

Ditto with the anniversary.
It's a passive-aggressive move to give people hidden "tests", set them up to fail, then punish them for failing. You've even decided on the punishment ahead of time - you'll sulk your way right out of the relationship & finish with him!
Can you not see that you are the author of your own unhappiness here?

How can you expect him to know what you want - when you have never told him what you want?
It's clear this is stemming from insecurity, but no matter how sad & unfair it is that your previous b/f emotionally abused you, you cannot use that as an excuse to set pass-agg tests instead of clearly communicating your wishes & desires.
Stalking his facebook to compare yourself with previous g/fs & wind yourself up about the flowers he bought them is ridiculous. Stop it at once - you are just hurting yourself & making yourself miserable.
Maybe these previous g/fs TOLD him they like flowers.
There is only one person in the relationship basing the strength & quality of it on whether one of you buys the other flowers.
Your b/f would be bewildered & hurt to know you are plotting to leave him if he fails your anniversary memory test.

The romance industry sets us up to believe that it all happens by magic, & that partners are instant mind-readers & fulfillers of every need & wish. That anything that falls short of this ridiculous romantic ideal cannot be True Love.
It is bullshit.
In the real world, people are complicated, opaque, & express themselves differently from each other.
In the real world, communication is everything.

You may feel it falls short of your romantic expectations to have to - gasp! - tell your b/f what you want. But this is the real world, not a fairy tale, & adult women who cannot have open conversations with men about their expectations & what small gestures make them feel loved & happy are not only setting those men up to fail - they are actively making themselves unhappy.

How much time have you spent brooding on this?
How long would it take to explain how you feel to him, & ask him to make you happy?
"It's our anniversary in 2 weeks, don't know how you feel about it but I want a big celebration. I love being given flowers, would you do that for me? Are you good at remembering stuff like this, or should I remind you, so there's no miscommunication or let-downs? And what would you like - a present, an experience day, a meal out ..?"

He's a human being, not a b/f-shaped object whose role is to anticipate & provide for all your unstated needs & desires.
If you value him - TALK TO HIM!
If you prefer to risk the relationship by never telling him what you want from him, then fretting that he might not mind-read, & sulk when he fails to be your psychic saviour ... then do that.

It all depends if you want to carry on measuring him by fantasy romance standards, or get on with the real & gritty business of communicating your needs directly instead of setting invisible ''quests' & feeling let down when he can't see something that is invisible to him.

As for actively planning to NOT remind him about the anniversary - you may as well go out now & shoot yourself in the foot. You would seriously rather spend the next fortnight twisted up in knots wondering "will he? won't he?" than be a grown-up & ask him for what you want?

Maybe he's not the man for you if you are prepared to risk losing him over something so easily fixable. In which case do him a favour & finish with him now, not by setting him up with your test.
Maybe this is coming from a dark place inside you that's still affected by the emotionally abusive previous b/f. In which case, get some professional help from Womens Aid or a counsellor - because it's not fair to bring that 'hangover' into your current relationship.
Maybe you are simply hesitant about asking for what you want, because life (& I bet your previous b/f) has taught you that you won't get it.

Either way, you might find this book useful.
It's an oldie but a goodie! - & will help you deal with whatever is holding you back from negotiating your needs with others, instead of crossing your fingers & hoping they can read your mind.
www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I hope it helps you review & change your mindset, & you have a lovely anniversary full of flowers, laughter, & well-communicated meeting of each other's needs.