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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner constantly breaks things I've bought

119 replies

SpotlessMind88 · 19/09/2021 18:24

My partner constantly breaks things that i've bought. He breaks a lot of things including his own, but i buy quality and look after my things. I still have my first car, the laptop i bought when i was in uni. I've always worked and saved up for quality things and then look after them so they last and are in great condition. With him its easy come easy go. His broken my ottoman storage by standing on it. Broken my wine glasses, damaged my car, broke a glass tea pot. Today he broke a knife by cracking ice with it and broke a stoneware dish by 'barely touching it'. Its like I'm constantly throwing money away. I feel like I'm not allowed to have anything nice. I've vowed not to buy anything anymore, I'm so sick of buying things and then having to replace them.
The worst part is getting a "sorry" out of him, it's like getting blood out of a stone. Today he said "i've broke one of your dishes, i don't need you beating me up about it, i've already beat myself up about it". I had to tell him, i haven't had a sorry yet. He finally apologised 20 mins later.
I feel like i should have a cupboard that i put all my things in and lock them away from him (like Monica from friends). I can't do this with my car or ottoman, but I might be able to save some of my belongings lol

OP posts:

Bootikin · 19/09/2021 21:22

Clumsy is one thing but the refusal to apologise / repair speaks volumes.

He sounds like a prick and a waste of oxygen. You can do better than this, OP.

Find someone better, who shares your values, before you waste any more time on this wanker.

waitingpatientlyforspring · 19/09/2021 21:23

I could be your husband. I am so clumsy. I really wish I wasn't but I am. Yesterday I went to grab a box of batteries off the bannister as I thought they would get knocked off... I knocked them off trying to get hold of them.

I am always breaking things and chipping things. My husband gets so wound up with me.

TractorAndHeadphones · 19/09/2021 21:26

@waitingpatientlyforspring

I am always breaking things and chipping things. My husband gets so wound up with me.

Do you apologise and replace them? If you really can't help yourself best to go minimalist

Pineapplepyjamas · 19/09/2021 21:36

The person I live with is like this. She breaks and loses tons of her own possessions. She thinks it’s bad luck, but in my opinion it is carelessness.

She’s broken several of my things and several shared things. The first few times I believed her excuses (“the blind just fell down” / “your mug randomly broke, no idea how”).

It’s annoying and there’s no solution. I take comfort in the fact that she has broken so many of her things which she is genuinely gutted and mystified by.

It shows they are careless and clumsy, it’s not malicious.

Wobblywibblywoo · 19/09/2021 21:36

Ah ok, if you haven’t it may be worth looking up the past thread it was so similar you may find it interesting

Fivefourthreetwo · 19/09/2021 21:42

Relax. He's not doing it deliberately

TractorAndHeadphones · 19/09/2021 21:51

@Pineapplepyjamas

The person I live with is like this. She breaks and loses tons of her own possessions. She thinks it’s bad luck, but in my opinion it is carelessness.

She’s broken several of my things and several shared things. The first few times I believed her excuses (“the blind just fell down” / “your mug randomly broke, no idea how”).

It’s annoying and there’s no solution. I take comfort in the fact that she has broken so many of her things which she is genuinely gutted and mystified by.

It shows they are careless and clumsy, it’s not malicious.

Being clumsy/careless can be a symptom of ADHD ; because of issues with working memory and attention. For example I would put a mug down, forget I left it there then push it over. People have a background process in their brain that controls this automatically (much like breathing) but I don't really.

Once being diagnosed (as an adult) I've implemented measures to work around it but as a child I was always getting told off for being careless and clumsy to the point where I took twice as long to do anything because I had to think carefully about it. Of course I got told off for that too - so I couldn't win either way...

MouseRoar · 19/09/2021 21:53

Tell him to stop beating himself up and just replace it. It's the attitude that I couldn't be dealing with, but that's just me.

TractorAndHeadphones · 19/09/2021 21:53

Also to add I'm not trying to diagnose anyone here or make any excuses. Just that the word 'careless' implies that people don't really care enough to pay attention. I cared very much about all of the stuff I've broken/lost but I wasn't capable of doing so...

girlmom21 · 19/09/2021 21:54

Could he be dyspraxic?

Being clumsy/careless can be a symptom of ADHD ; because of issues with working memory and attention.

Can we stop trying to diagnose him and just accept he's an unapologetic twat?

myheartskippedabeat · 19/09/2021 21:58

I'd be getting my rid he clearly has no respect for you or your things

GinIronic · 19/09/2021 22:00

Get rid. He won’t change and he is making you unhappy.

Throckmorton · 19/09/2021 22:00

Life is far to short to put up with a twat that won't say sorry. You are posting about broken things, but I bet anything he's slow to apologise for everything and anything

CassandraTrotter · 19/09/2021 22:00

Its like I'm constantly throwing money away
Im appalled he isnt paying for everything he breaks. If say first, that youve lost far too many things to continue like this. Apologies dont actually replace things. Whatever he breaks he replaces. Without exception. And ensure he does.

Or, admit that you dont have the same values and theres no possibility of having a happy future with a man who thinks everything in the house is your responsibility to buy and look after. Thats a bad sign for any sort of future where children are involved. Theyll be you responsibility to house and clothe. He wont buy anything and has no respect for your things. Do you really want that?

steppemum · 19/09/2021 22:01

@MrsJemimaDuck

It sounds like he’s not breaking things out of pure clumsiness, but because he’s using the items in a careless way that they are not meant to be used. His failure to apologise appropriately also shows that he is emotionally careless. What are his good qualities? Personally, this would be something I just couldn’t deal with.

This.

I broke a favourite lasagne dish that I've had for years. Total accident, while using it and other things properly.

That is completely different to it getting broken by someone misusing it.

I think you need to sit down with him and say

don;t use anything in this house for something outside its actual use.
you pay to replace the things you brake. You don;t have to go shopping, but you hand over the cash within a day or two. This is so that you realise the cost of your misuse.
apologise, even if an accident. apologise.

If he thinks you are unreasonable, that is your answer. You 9and your stuff) is less important than him and his stuff. Get out.

TractorAndHeadphones · 19/09/2021 22:01

@girlmom21

Could he be dyspraxic?

Being clumsy/careless can be a symptom of ADHD ; because of issues with working memory and attention.

Can we stop trying to diagnose him and just accept he's an unapologetic twat?

Nobody's trying to diagnose him. Just pointing out that people sometimes can't help breaking things. Unlike slapping or bashing someone's head against the wall it's not malicious abuse (since here he breaks his OWN things as well).

The fact that he did give her money for the ottoman - and apologised 20 mins later means that he KNOWS he's wrong, it's just that sorry sounds a bit empty when the same thing happens over and over again and it becomes hard to know what to say.

He should definitely replace things ASAP but if he can't help breaking things then he shouldn't be around expensive, high quality stuff. OP has to either compromise and get HIM to buy cheap stuff (in addition to replacing hers) or accept that they are incompatible
.
Of course he could also be just careless and a twat in which case she should bin him anyway.

CheshireChat · 19/09/2021 22:03

I'm clumsy and uncoordinated so it's not unusual I drop stuff or bump into stuff/ get burnt.

But it's mostly my stuff (and myself) that gets damaged as it's what I use most often... if it's mostly your stuff then he either doesn't respect or he's being malicious.

TractorAndHeadphones · 19/09/2021 22:06

Also to add my money's on her binning him anyway.. seeing as he didn't buy any of the stuff. But idk if it's because OP went and bought them first - or that he didn't care?
DP got given tons of fancy kitchen stuff etc by his family so he owns that, also most of the large furniture is his because he had them already. It's not like I waited for him to furnish an empty house.

In any case care towards items is a fundamental incompatibility and can get very annoying especially when OP buys quality items and clearly values them.

Paq · 19/09/2021 22:07

Why are you buying everything for your joint house?

Cherrysoup · 19/09/2021 22:09

He’s using things inappropriately-who stands on an ottoman? So he’s inconsiderate and careless, doesn’t think before he acts, like an impulsive child. That’s the issue, not thinking or considering consequences. He then doesn’t apologise so he doesn’t care about your feelings.

I know it’s only ‘stuff’ but if my Dh broke my Dartington Crystal that was a wedding present or my stained glass wine glasses that my best friend gave me, I’d be devastated. He was horrified when he backed into a bollard in my new car on the day he collected it, but that’s a normal reaction, to be sorry, upset because he knew I’d be upset. Does he lack consideration in other areas?

HugeAckmansWife · 19/09/2021 22:13

Please stop saying 'lol' in your posts. It's not funny and you obviously don't think so.

Userg1234 · 19/09/2021 22:14

Ok here is the situation...I am a man, he is also male...he doesn't care about your things. In fact he really really doesn't care about your things....it's a form of control...I can break this. I don't care.
My wife is a bit accident prone. About 10 years ago she broke my mum's mixing bowl...mum died when I was 17. My wife was in tears because she knows mum's things are important to me.
He doesn't even say sorry...think about it

TheCatterall · 19/09/2021 22:18

Is he paying his fair share towards bills and purchases. He shares the house he should be sharing the cost of rubbing and furnishing it to make it feel homely.

If he breaks stuff I’d start adding a 20% surcharge for being a clumsy oaf into all costs.

Some people just don’t think before they use or do stuff. :/ is it just thoughtless accidents? We’ve had our fair share of delicate wine glasses smashed after ‘someone’ stacked them on the sink with all the heavy pans. Or pulled one out of the wall unit and knocked two others out etc.

mytrueaccount · 19/09/2021 22:22

My DH also breaks a lot of things. Some kinds, I've resigned myself to not having the same in future. (As in, the sugar bowl, teapot, butter dish are all stainless steel... and I've given up trying to have good tablecloths because he spills red wine on everything!!)

Other things I keep away from him, if I alone use them or if they're very very sentimental. But if you're not married (yet) then he should defo be paying to replace things. Ebay is your friend here.

mytrueaccount · 19/09/2021 22:23

Also, in long term, consider if he breaks a lot of things in certain contexts -- eg if he's been drinking, or if a room has a hard tile floor!

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