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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite my friends to my house

95 replies

TravellingSlow · 19/09/2021 17:41

I recently made friends with two lovely mums at my local play group.

We all have boys the same age (19 months)

We got chatting and arranged play dates, the first few we did at soft play and the local park; but then one of the girls suggested a meet up at her house.

My son and I went along, the house was beautiful.
Detached, double garage, 4 bedrooms, huge kitchen, huge garden, big play room for her son.

The next play date was hosted by the second mum, whose house was equally stunning.

We have been messaging this weekend and have discussed another play date.

I feel like it’s only natural now that I should offer to host the next play date.

The issue is, I’m embarrassed… 😓

I live in a small 3 bedroom house, which I happen to rent.(various reasons but the main one being unable to afford to save for a deposit)

I live in a nice area and the house itself is okay, it
It’s not a patch on either of my friends houses.
I have a very small lounge and kitchen, and my garden is more a yard, no grass and very uneven paving.
Definitely not the show home gardens
my friends have.

I really can’t live up to their standards with my house and I’m worried that after seeing where i live, it will be the end of our play dates.

I’ve loved having some mum friends and now I’m
feeling not good enough and searching for excuses as to why I can’t host a play date….

OP posts:
Cam001 · 19/09/2021 17:44

OP please don't let that put you off inviting them to yours. I have friends who are much better off than me, and I also have friends who are worse off. If they judge you by the house you live in they're not worth having as friends anyway.

Hilda40 · 19/09/2021 17:45

True friends would not even blink an eyelid. YABU

Furrydogmum · 19/09/2021 17:46

Don't beat yourself up, if they matter they won't care. My closest mum friend came to my house before I went to hers - I would have felt like you if it had been the other way around - we're still the best of friends 16 years later!

greedygut · 19/09/2021 17:47

I can see why you would think it a problem but all I can say is I met my best friend when we were both 11 , each had a very different background, one of us had the detached house , horses , professional parents etc etc , the other had single mum in an overcrowded rental , 50 years on we are still best friends and the richer one has helped the poorer one up the ladder
It shouldn't make any difference if you are all nice people but probably less difficult making it work as a child

Craftylittlething · 19/09/2021 17:47

I don’t think people really care how big or fancy your house is, as long as you make people feel welcome.
As above, I have friends who are much better and much worse off financially than I am- it doesn’t impact in our friendship or our ability to spend time in each other’s homes.

Original poster
TravellingSlow · 19/09/2021 17:48

@Hilda40

True friends would not even blink an eyelid. YABU
@Hilda40

I haven’t know these girls long enough to call them “true friends” but I do really like spending time with them and our sons get along so well.

I’m just afraid of not fitting in once they see how my house compares to theirs.

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 19/09/2021 17:48

I know how you feel-I was in a similar position with my NCT group. They all had massive 4 bed detached houses and we lived in a flat! I drifted away from most of them over the years (nothing to do with me having a flat!) but 1 of them has become one of my best friends. We now live in fairly similar houses.

Do it-they might surprise you.

MeredithGreyishblue · 19/09/2021 17:48

If they mind, you're better off finding out now!

I'll bet my shirt they won't mind, though.

My home is smaller than most of my friends and bigger than some. I don't really think about it until thread like this comes up.

Do it xx

ThinWomansBrain · 19/09/2021 17:49

isn't the idea for the children to meet up and play, you to have a chat with the other mothers, rather than play top trumps on who has the naicest house?

namechange30455 · 19/09/2021 17:49

I live in a 4 bedroom detached with a double garage and I wouldn't care where you lived if we got on. If they do they're not worth having as friends tbh.

CyclingIsNotOuting · 19/09/2021 17:51

This thread reminds me of the time I was invited to another mum’s house. Got there and everything was pristine. Beautiful. Clean. Expensive.
My daughter did a poo and she showed me to the changing area. It was white. White carpet. White change table. White changing mat, encased in a white cover.
I nearly shit myself!!!
I literally broke a sweat changing that nappy.

I did invite them back to mine, which is a bit rough and ready. I did run the hoover round first though.

44PumpLane · 19/09/2021 17:52

YABU to thi k they wpiod care, and if they do care they aren't worth your time.

Trust me..... I am fortunate enough to have a big home.... I have friends with tiny homes, the only thing I judge is myself for not being able to decorate half as nicely as them!! Friends don't care about these things.

motherofcatsandbears · 19/09/2021 17:52

Don’t ever be embarrassed by your house - your friends may have massive, crippling mortgages that they’re struggling to pay off and an ‘image’ they try very hard to maintain.
Just be yourself and enjoy the friendship - if they judge you by your home, they’re not true friends.

BrilliantBetty · 19/09/2021 17:52

Please, please do not let this put you off inviting friends over. Hi

FWIW, I have been there myself. I lived in a small, slightly dark/ not very attractive house in a not great area. Had a friend who had a stunning house and somehow always ended up there instead of mine until eventually she stopped bothering.

And now I am in the situation where I live in a nice house in a nice area and have had a mum friend over 3 times now without it being reciprocated. I understand she lives in a small flat and might be self conscious of it but I would love to go over. And as I am not happy to host every play date, unless she does reciprocate we won't be hanging out much longer as i'm finding it a bit rude (even though I understand as been there before).

Noshowwithoutpunch · 19/09/2021 17:52

If they are worth knowing they won't care at all about your house.
They may live in large expensive houses now but they may have grown up in tiny houses or flats and their families may have struggled with not much money.
Even if they've always been used to living in what you see as luxury I'm sure they know they are privileged and not everyone lives in large houses and has all the latest things.
You will get people who judge you no matter what they have or where they live.
If they are the judgemental type then you're not losing anything worth having as you certainly wouldn't want them as friends.

alphabetspagetti · 19/09/2021 17:53

Can you make a cup of tea?
Can you open a packet of biscuits?
Is your house relatively safe for a child and relatively clean (I don't care if the floor needs washing and the dishes are still in the sink; I do care if there is poo on the loo seat (well, unless you have a toddler))?
Can you laugh with me, empathise with me, sympathise with me?
Can you get me out of my own house and give me something to do with my toddler other than read endless "That's Not My" books, build towers and try and stop them killing themselves in the playground?
If you can answer "yes" to half of the above, I'd be thrilled to come to yours!

Original poster
TravellingSlow · 19/09/2021 17:55

@alphabetspagetti

Can you make a cup of tea? Can you open a packet of biscuits? Is your house relatively safe for a child and relatively clean (I don't care if the floor needs washing and the dishes are still in the sink; I do care if there is poo on the loo seat (well, unless you have a toddler))? Can you laugh with me, empathise with me, sympathise with me? Can you get me out of my own house and give me something to do with my toddler other than read endless "That's Not My" books, build towers and try and stop them killing themselves in the playground? If you can answer "yes" to half of the above, I'd be thrilled to come to yours!
@alphabetspagetti

This made me smile 😁

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 19/09/2021 17:58

The only off putting thing would be if you made a big deal out of it. Invite them and say you’d love for them to come to you next though you don’t have as much space as they do. Then host and do not apologise for your home.

Clean enough, tidy enough, some toys for the babies and coffee and biscuits for the adults. That’s all that’s needed.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/09/2021 17:59

If they treat you any differently at all then are they really people that you want to get to know better? It's probably a good way of sorting out the genuine people from the social climbers

I live in a big house and some of my daughters friends live in rented flats and they come over here but they always want to meet in the park otherwise, and my daughter is beginning to realise that whilst her friends want to play with her, she isnt invited to their house, and I suspect the reason is the same as yours.

But what they dont know is I grew up in a little terrace with a best friend who had 4 siblings in a 2 bed council flat, and I loved going there as they had sonic the hedgehog.

Anyway what I'm trying to say is that they might judge you (hopefully not) but at the moment by not inviting them you're actually judging them and writing them off as snobby. Give them a chance

BoPeeple · 19/09/2021 18:00

I do understand your worries, as I’m in a similar situation. My house is tiny, and it’s often just not that practical to have three people over with their toddlers. It’s not that I’m embarrassed, it’s just much nicer and easier to go to the larger house with playroom!
I would say something along the lines of, ‘You’re all very welcome to come to mine but it’s a bit of a squeeze. I appreciate it’s my turn though. What do you think?’ They’ll either say yes they’d love to, or one of them will offer to host again as they’ve got more space.

Movingsoon21 · 19/09/2021 18:08

Perfect response from @BoPeeple above

Myneighboursnorlax · 19/09/2021 18:16

I’d just say something like “I know it’s my turn to host, and you’re more than welcome to come to mine, but it’s a bit cramped and I don’t have much of a back garden, so happy to meet at the park or soft play instead”

lisaandalan · 19/09/2021 18:21

It's not what you have that makes your friends like you, it's the fact you have children the same age, lots in common, they enjoy spending time with you, love your personality ect.
If people didn't like you because of your house they're not true friends.
I never take any notice of my friends houses. X

MotorwayDiva · 19/09/2021 18:22

Size of house wouldn't bother me in slightest, not being invited to yours would make me think you don't like me enough to invite me to your home but that's my insecurities

m0therofdragons · 19/09/2021 18:22

I have 2 amazing friends from play groups - one has a huge house and grounds, we have a standard 4 bed new build, one has an ex council house in a terrifying area where I’ve been yelled at by neighbours for being a “cunt with a posh car” (my car is a 10 year old Ford smax so that was a bit baffling). They are great friends and we socialise at each other’s homes. We all have similar values. I do worry slightly that one friend and I do a bit more together - theatre trips with dc - because we can afford it but we make most social things in our homes taking turns cooking.

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