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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite my friends to my house

95 replies

TravellingSlow · 19/09/2021 17:41

I recently made friends with two lovely mums at my local play group.

We all have boys the same age (19 months)

We got chatting and arranged play dates, the first few we did at soft play and the local park; but then one of the girls suggested a meet up at her house.

My son and I went along, the house was beautiful.
Detached, double garage, 4 bedrooms, huge kitchen, huge garden, big play room for her son.

The next play date was hosted by the second mum, whose house was equally stunning.

We have been messaging this weekend and have discussed another play date.

I feel like it’s only natural now that I should offer to host the next play date.

The issue is, I’m embarrassed… 😓

I live in a small 3 bedroom house, which I happen to rent.(various reasons but the main one being unable to afford to save for a deposit)

I live in a nice area and the house itself is okay, it
It’s not a patch on either of my friends houses.
I have a very small lounge and kitchen, and my garden is more a yard, no grass and very uneven paving.
Definitely not the show home gardens
my friends have.

I really can’t live up to their standards with my house and I’m worried that after seeing where i live, it will be the end of our play dates.

I’ve loved having some mum friends and now I’m
feeling not good enough and searching for excuses as to why I can’t host a play date….

OP posts:
sofakingcool · 19/09/2021 23:25

Oh blimey please don't let that put you off inviting them.

When my DS's were little we would have been seen as the family who lived in the bigger house etc, and I would never have batted an eyelid at my friends houses! I was just pleased to be invited for a cup of tea

Fattedthesecond · 19/09/2021 23:29

@Skysblue

They won’t care what your house is like.

They will care if you keep going round theirs but never invite them back or at least explain why. That’s just rude.

I tried to befriend one mum who came to our house a few times, and she awkwardly explained that she couldn’t have me and my daughter back to hers as it wasn’t in a fit state for guests. Fair enough I thought, no problem, I appreciate the explanation.

Then it gradually became clear that she does invite friends back to hers for playdates - but only if they have the same accent as her and no spare cash. Apparently I don’t have the right accent to be asked round 😔 I didn’t think I was posh, I live in a 3 bed semi 🤷‍♀️ but anyway no invite for me.

I’ve stopped trying to be friends with her now. Depressingly the class socialising has divided into two halves: a half with less money and a half with more money. But it was very much the half with less money who refuse to play with the rest of us.

People are weird.

TBF, If you don't have spare cash, you're more likely to want to do things at home than go out.
sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 19/09/2021 23:48

OP, I had the exact reverse! We had an amazing house, huge garden, a living room you could fit a terraced house inside. I hardly ever invited people round to ours, because I thought they'd think I was posh & sneery. We had grounds, actual GROUNDS, beyond the garden! I was even evasive about what road we lived on, because I thought people would judge me.

So to begin with I only invited friends round who knew we were there because we were essentially caretakers for the owners, friends who found it hilarious that we lived there Grin

If these mums are lovely, all they'll care about is having your company, that your DC get on, and that you've provided enough biscuits. If they're not lovely, then you've dodged a bullet.

Divebar2021 · 19/09/2021 23:54

I can remember going to an NCT mums house with some other mums. She had twins. About half an hour after arriving she apologised for the mess and as I looked up I saw it was indeed messy… of course it was messy she had twins. I hadn’t even noticed because I was too busy chatting and having a good time.

ellyeth · 20/09/2021 00:42

If they're nice people they won't care that your house isn't as plush as theirs. If they're not nice people then you might as well find out now. Who wants friends like that?

Holskey · 20/09/2021 00:58

I live in a 5 bed detached, double garage etc. I'm also doing the playdate thing with new mum friends. If I were one of those mums I would be gutted you felt as you do and I'd want to reassure you it doesn't matter at all!

Invite them into your home and don't be ashamed!

littleloopylou · 20/09/2021 01:04

OP, I have been in both situations - having the lovely huge house and visiting friends in a smaller place, and also being in a crap place after leaving my abusive ex.

I can tell you that the most lovely and joyous
MCT events were in a quite small flat rented by a lovely and fun couple. I don't recall giving it a second thought other than wondering how they managed logistically (how perspectives change!).

After moving to my dumpy flat, I have also felt embarrassed - but this thread is actually helping me to see how silly that is! A decent person won't mind a bit about your place being smaller.

Ijustknowitstimetogo · 20/09/2021 01:06

I’m just afraid of not fitting in once they see how my house compares to theirs.

Obviously you shouldn’t do anything you’re not comfortable with ie you don’t have to have people in your house if you don’t want to. But IME if you never invite them round, ever, then they will get fed up of being the ones that always invite you round with no reciprocation anyway.

MitheringMytryl · 20/09/2021 01:07

I sometimes felt a bit like this when I first became a mum.

We moved here for my DH's job and most of the people we've met here happen to come from very comfortable backgrounds. They all live in gorgeous houses in the nice end of town, usually along the river.

We rent a run down house in a not so pleasant area. It's the best we can afford, for now. Our cars are old and well loved.

When the baby playdate circuit started I was so embarrassed by the house. Even giving people the address made me cringe, as the postcode is associated with car thefts and I thought people would be worried about parking outside my house.

It turns out that most of them didn't give a shit. Perhaps they secretly judged me, but if they did they certainly didn't show it. We're all still friends and they don't seem to have any issue coming to my house.

My experience with this kind of thing is that you are going to be far more concerned about it than they are. Any decent people don't give a toss about how fancy your house is.

Susannahmoody · 20/09/2021 01:08

DS recently became friends with a lad from school. I met the mum, who seemed lovely. She told me her husband had said she should get a job when their youngest kid started school. She drives an older car, and she also said she was trying to stop spending on the kids clothes. She vaguely mentioned where she lived and I haa an idea of the house (small ish, 3 bed etc).

Playdate invite arrived for son, sure, I said. Please give me your exact address I aksed. Turns out the home is a bloody mansion, like the Home Alone house!

Moral of the story - not everyone cares about people's homes!

floppybit · 20/09/2021 01:08

Just invite them. Make it the first thing you do tomorrow. Be proud of yourself and go for it.

TheSandgroper · 20/09/2021 05:54

Hospitality (noun) - the friendly and generous reception and entertainment of guests, visitors or strangers.

No mention of housing situation in the google definition. Just go for it.

Liverbird77 · 20/09/2021 06:08

I honestly wouldn't care. It's the person I like, not their house.

junebirthdaygirl · 20/09/2021 06:53

My advice is do it now this week. If you miss one turn it will become a big thing in your mind and be blown out of proportion. This happened to me. I live in a big house..probably biggest of all my friends..but l totally lack confidence in cooking so haven't invited friends for dinner. It has now become a massive thing in my head which l am finding so hard to break through. Living in a big house doesn't mean you have everything in your life together. I far more value friendship/ chat/interest in each others lives/ a laugh etc
Don't apologise except maybe mention the garden although if dc can play out there don't.

MayorGundersonsDogRufus · 20/09/2021 06:54

As long as you have somewhere to sit for a cuppa and somewhere to put the kids go for it. They won't care. Don't let something like this hold you back! You'll regret it.

sandgrown · 20/09/2021 07:21

I recently left miserable abusive ex. Practically all our furniture is donated/second hand and mismatched. All my friends are just buying their retirement homes and having big renovations. I am slightly embarrassed inviting them round but they have known me for years and don’t care . I have a fairly new friend who is always apologising for her cluttered little cottage but I love it . It’s so homely and she is very welcoming. Please don’t worry what people think .

Bluntness100 · 20/09/2021 07:36

Honestly op this is just in your head and you’re insecurity. Who dumps a friend because their house isn’t as nice. However if you don’t invite them then yes you may loose them because taking hospitality and not returning it is not nice behaviour.

Coronawireless · 20/09/2021 07:43

Yes, not inviting back is rude and could lose you some nice friends.

GiantPinkUnicorn · 20/09/2021 09:51

@Marshmallow91

I just have to point out how lovely this thread is ❤️ full of lovely, kindhearted comments.
Yes I love this thread too, it is really helpful and heartwarming.
melj1213 · 20/09/2021 10:46

Those who matter don't mind; and those that mind don't matter

As long as there was somewhere for the kids to play and somewhere for their parents to sit and have a coffee then that's all that matters. If they are the kind of people to judge you for not having acres of garden and rooms that are bigger than a terraced house then I'd rather find out sooner rather than later.

If it would be a squeeze to have everyone round then just say so. "It’s my turn to host but we don't have any garden space for the kids to play out in and it's a bit of a squeeze. You're more than welcome to come over but I thought we could make the most of the last of the good weather and go to the park this week, I can pick up coffee on the way"

Whattheflecker · 20/09/2021 10:51

Honestly just make sure it's clean. Use the 'it's a bit cramped but you're welcome at mine' response.

Really irritating to never be hosted back.

flibberyjibbery8 · 20/09/2021 10:53

I've had this problem for years. I get it. I only let two close friends come round. I think it's made some friendships fail because I don't reciprocate. 😔

Youreacockarentyou · 20/09/2021 10:55

People are going to say they aren’t real friends If they care or just make them welcome etc but I totally get it OP. Out of My NCT group mum friends 2 live in beautiful, huge houses and 1 lives in a reasonably nice 2 bed. I live in a 2 bed flat above a shop with my 3 children & I will never invite my friends over here.

SpeckledlyHen · 20/09/2021 11:16

Unless you are a hoarder with piles of rubbish strewn everywhere or haven't cleaned up after the cat was sick multiple times 3 weeks ago then I would honestly say that no-one cares. OR if they do and are the judgemental type then you're best finding out that now. Just invite them. I stopped being friends with a local lady to me after inviting her to my home multiple times (parties, bbq's etc) and then realising that she had never invited me round so much for a cup of tea..

Bluntness100 · 20/09/2021 12:27

It’s so sad that people will let friendships end rather than give their friends the chance to show they don’t give a shit that their house is smaller. Honestly for anyone decent that shit doesn’t matter.💐