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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not invite my friends to my house

95 replies

TravellingSlow · 19/09/2021 17:41

I recently made friends with two lovely mums at my local play group.

We all have boys the same age (19 months)

We got chatting and arranged play dates, the first few we did at soft play and the local park; but then one of the girls suggested a meet up at her house.

My son and I went along, the house was beautiful.
Detached, double garage, 4 bedrooms, huge kitchen, huge garden, big play room for her son.

The next play date was hosted by the second mum, whose house was equally stunning.

We have been messaging this weekend and have discussed another play date.

I feel like it’s only natural now that I should offer to host the next play date.

The issue is, I’m embarrassed… 😓

I live in a small 3 bedroom house, which I happen to rent.(various reasons but the main one being unable to afford to save for a deposit)

I live in a nice area and the house itself is okay, it
It’s not a patch on either of my friends houses.
I have a very small lounge and kitchen, and my garden is more a yard, no grass and very uneven paving.
Definitely not the show home gardens
my friends have.

I really can’t live up to their standards with my house and I’m worried that after seeing where i live, it will be the end of our play dates.

I’ve loved having some mum friends and now I’m
feeling not good enough and searching for excuses as to why I can’t host a play date….

OP posts:

maddening · 20/09/2021 12:30

Yabu, I would not judge you at all for not having the same "level" of accommodation as me, just glad of the friendship x

Hankunamatata · 20/09/2021 12:32

Give them the choice.

Say I live in a wee house in x place. Happy to host but worried it may be bit cramped.

Lndnmummy · 20/09/2021 12:46

Op, I’ve been where you are, I totally get it. Invite them!! Please do it. You are not “less than”, your friendship is not “less than”. Please do it.

When my eldest was little this in fact happend to me. I met a large group of women and we went through our pregnancies together. We always met out. Then when the babies arrived people started to meet at home. It was only then I realised that the vast majority of people lived very differently to us. Large houses, investment banker husbands, paid help etc. My partner and I had decent jobs but neither of us “came from money” so we didn’t have the same life style. I did notice that after the babies were born a lot of them actually started to make excuses. More than once they’d cancelled a group meeting only for me to realise it was me they’d cancelled and they still met up someplace else. I don’t know if it was my flat, the fact my baby was black, or anything else I might have said or done but good riddance. I have two friends left from that group a good 10 years later. We’d move heaven and earth for eachother. They are still in huge houses (and I’m now in a slightly fancier flat).

The point is, those other women have synced reached out. Some have encountered problems and tragedies and want my ear. Perhaps they feel that fancy friends won’t listen? Over my dead body. You reject me and my baby and you expect me to listen to your marriage woes. Nah...
Sorry I’m rambling. But some people WILL judge. It’s better to find out who they are sooner rather than later.

SingingInTheShithouse · 20/09/2021 13:18

Honestly just invite them. If they turn out to be sniffy in any way, then you'll know they are not your friends & not nice people either, so you will be swerving wasting your time.

Chances are they will be fine & not even notice.

When my DD was small, we went to all kinds of different homes fir play dates. Never once thought of judging

Ironically the mum of a girl DD was good friends with in primary school was clearly very judgey of us as she saw us as too alternative we're not really, especially here & therefore we must be poor. She made assorts of massively untrue assumptions & comments about us renting & our quite big house must be small inside, must be HA, credit card debts etc, all even though she refused to ever come in further than our porch & knew nothing about us, so had no clue.

It was quite funny in the end as she was also a CF who was very stressed by her new supposedly high flying job & frequently tried to palm her DD off on us if she was sent home ill from school. Even though my DD wasn't good enough for her DDs birthday party
She turned out to be a real fur coat & no knickers type & her snobby attitude made it far easier to say no. She ended up having to move towns as she couldn't afford to carry on living here.

Honestly one way or the other it will be absolutely fine & the odds are that they won't notice at all

TracyLords · 20/09/2021 13:36

Invite them round! 99.99999% of people wouldn’t care less. I had a friend who I was visiting for the first time who seemed a bit on edge as we were heading to her house: she then said she was embarrassed because her house was smaller. I was mortified that she thought that I would think anything of it (have a big house now, but 4 of us shared a room when we were kids at one point: and I hadn’t ever thought anything of it)

I do get a bit hurt when we have people over a lot who never invite us to theirs.

bellsbuss · 20/09/2021 13:43

As long as someone's house isn't disgustingly filthy I don't care what size it is.

Turkishangora · 20/09/2021 13:47

Invite them, if they are genuine nice people they won't care. If they judge they're not worth knowing. I have friends in all sorts f houses, from grand swanky detached 5 beds owned outright to tiny 2 bed social housing. All lovely people, all lovely houses. My house is pretty average!! What I will say is you risk the friendships ending of you don't reciprocate. If the invite is never returned I stop inviting people and as a result there are some people I hardly ever see.

Dora33 · 20/09/2021 13:52

Invite your friends to your home. They will enjoy your company and tea / coffee and that their & your children can all play together.
When mine were babies & toddlers I met up with other mums with similar age children. It was always lovely to be invited to someone else's home fo a chat and kids to play.
Over time, it was never people's homes that were noticed but the mums who would not take their turn to host.

LaikO · 20/09/2021 13:54

My house is similar to your friends', and I honestly couldn't tell you much about my friends' houses in detail. It doesn't bother me where people live, as long as it isn't horrendously dirty and is safe for the kids to play, it doesn't matter!

suzyscat · 20/09/2021 14:03

You'll be much likelier to lose your play date mates by not reciprocating than by having a smaller, rented house.

I'm in the same position. I know how awakened it feels but honestly don't let it hold you back.

We tend to go to my mate's houses because they're bigger and because they own them they're not cluttered up with my landlord's shite broken furniture but sometimes we do them at mine.

YoungBritishPissArtist · 20/09/2021 14:07

Invite them round! DON’T make any excuses or apologies for your home like, “sorry it’s a bit small/cramped/whatever”. Serve up tea, coffee and delicious biscuits or cake and welcome them.

HedgehogintheFog · 20/09/2021 14:18

Invite them round. Feel free to mention in advance that your house is a bit smaller and see if one of them with more space offers to host. If they drop you due to your smaller house, you don't want them as friends anyway in my opinion! Back in the day, we used to have friends to stay on an air mattress in the living room of our one bed flat, whilst they were able to put us up in a lovely spare bedroom with en-suite bathroom!

Livpool · 20/09/2021 14:20

Don't let this put you off having them round. Any true friend wouldn't care less - I know I wouldn't.

FlorenceWintle · 20/09/2021 15:14

I live in a large detached house. I couldn’t give a flying fuck where other people live, I just care what kind of person they are.

I’ve had people apologise to me and feel embarrassed about where they live. I take it as a personal insult because it must mean they think I’m the sort of nasty person who would judge them by the size of their house.

Embracelife · 20/09/2021 16:32

"You welcome to mine on Tuesday. It s a bit small but I guarantee cake and tea and dc has some lovely books he was given."

You don't need to apologise
But can mention in passing

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 20/09/2021 16:47

@Myneighboursnorlax

I’d just say something like “I know it’s my turn to host, and you’re more than welcome to come to mine, but it’s a bit cramped and I don’t have much of a back garden, so happy to meet at the park or soft play instead”

I've been in your position OP many times (still am!) and this is exactly what I say each time. It's never been an issue (at least I don't think it has!)

Futurecatmum2 · 20/09/2021 17:24

It’s a good way of sorting the wheat from the chaff, OP. I had this - my flat is tiny and shortly after I finally hosted the group of much wealthier mums I thought I’d befriended, they ditched me and carried on meeting in their massive houses without me! Fortunately it meant I realised pretty soon that they weren’t worth bothering with, so didn’t waste any more time on them. As others have said, if they’re genuine they won’t give a shit about the size of your house, but if they do, fuck ’em

Somethingsnappy · 20/09/2021 17:50

@FlorenceWintle

I live in a large detached house. I couldn’t give a flying fuck where other people live, I just care what kind of person they are.

Exactly this. I feel embarrassed when people apologise for their car/house/whatever, so as others have said, definitely don't be apologetic! Just say something along the lines suggested by PP, about being a little short of space but you'd love to have them anyway. You must invite them as they'll feel rejected if you don't.

You have no idea of their background anyway. I have lived in many types of home, but people wouldn't guess that based on where I live now. Just enjoy your new friends! After the first initial visit, you'll probably not think about it again anyway.

Bluntness100 · 20/09/2021 18:07

The issue is defintely when you accept others hospitality but have no intention of reciprocating, irrelevant of why you do it, it’s perceived as cf behaviour and rude.

The vast majority of people would also be deeply offended of you perceived them to be the sort of person who wouldn’t wish to be your friend becsude your house was smaller or not as in good repair.

And you can never tell. I live in a big house, but I grew up council snd my father still lived in a council flat. My daughter stayed in the typical crappy student house share at uni. One of my closest friends lives in a park home since her divorce. You cannot judge a book by its cover.

But more than that, you’re at risk of losing some lovely friends due to your own insecurities. Because these women will perceive you as that Friend who will come to their house, have a nose round, take their hospitality snd not reciprocate.

Do not mention your house is smaller in passing. It’s as ludicrous as saying your house is bigger in passing. It’s ludicrous becsude it’s totally and utterly irrelevant.

mamaduckbone · 20/09/2021 18:25

I absolutely know where you are coming from - I had the same situation when I had my first, but now one of my best friends in the world, 15 years later, is one of those mums who had the beautiful 4 bed detached house (when we lived in a 2 bed terrace) and I'm so glad that I didn't let it get the better of me.
If these people are worth knowing they won't judge.

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