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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite my friends to my house

95 replies

TravellingSlow · 19/09/2021 17:41

I recently made friends with two lovely mums at my local play group.

We all have boys the same age (19 months)

We got chatting and arranged play dates, the first few we did at soft play and the local park; but then one of the girls suggested a meet up at her house.

My son and I went along, the house was beautiful.
Detached, double garage, 4 bedrooms, huge kitchen, huge garden, big play room for her son.

The next play date was hosted by the second mum, whose house was equally stunning.

We have been messaging this weekend and have discussed another play date.

I feel like it’s only natural now that I should offer to host the next play date.

The issue is, I’m embarrassed… 😓

I live in a small 3 bedroom house, which I happen to rent.(various reasons but the main one being unable to afford to save for a deposit)

I live in a nice area and the house itself is okay, it
It’s not a patch on either of my friends houses.
I have a very small lounge and kitchen, and my garden is more a yard, no grass and very uneven paving.
Definitely not the show home gardens
my friends have.

I really can’t live up to their standards with my house and I’m worried that after seeing where i live, it will be the end of our play dates.

I’ve loved having some mum friends and now I’m
feeling not good enough and searching for excuses as to why I can’t host a play date….

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 19/09/2021 18:37

If these women come to your house and no longer want to be friends with you because your house is smaller than theirs then it's better you find out now.

If they're that shallow they're going to show their true colours at some point down the line and you don't want to find out they're complete and utter bitches once you feel you've made good friends.

If they're friendly and you enjoy their company the chances are your fears are going to turn out to be unfounded and they're just as nice as you hope they are.

Invite them to your house for the next playdate but don't 'warn' them in advance that your house is smaller than theirs.

You're inviting them to accept your hospitality and spend time with you and your child in your home, you do not have to apologise for its size or anything else.

Mymapuddlington · 19/09/2021 18:42

I used to have a couple of kids come round mine to play with my son, once their mum turned up to pick them up and said as soon as I opened the door ‘gosh it’s tiny isn’t it!’ They’ve never come back so I can understand your worry!

Hullbilly · 19/09/2021 18:45

It will be fine. It's not about the size of home, it's the welcome you receive. When my DC were small we used to visit another family with an immaculate house, where the DC were not allowed in some rooms or to sit on the sofa. They had virtually no toys. They turned out to be right weirdos in the end. I'd much rather visit a normal, happy home, regardless of the size or the mess.

Karmagoat · 19/09/2021 18:52

If people care about what sort of house you live in then their not worth having as friends anyway, Invite them over, and try and put your insecurties to one side.

CraftyGin · 19/09/2021 18:53

As long as your house is clean and tidy, don't be afraid of inviting others. They live in the real world and know that not everyone is as fortunate as them.

annacondom · 19/09/2021 19:02

They may not have always lived in a big house. They may be very aware that people live differently. I live in a nice house now but I've lived in a grotty high-rise in north London.

These mums might thinking you're judging them for being posh/snooty - it works both ways!

But I have this situation with my book group. My house is nice but is small compared to theirs and I don't have staff, or a swimming pool, or several cars. I could have written your post wrt book group. But they come here when it's my turn, we have a laugh, they need friends. One has made comments about my house (and my accent!) in the past but I've got to know her and I think she's lonely and insecure, and I see being bitchy as her problem, not mine. So go for it, OP. It's only fair that you offer.

1forAll74 · 19/09/2021 19:08

Try and get out of this mindset, If you like these new friends, and have determined what their personalities are like, as in nice and friendly, this is all that matters. You would soon find out if anyone was a picky kind of woman who makes any kind of odd ball statements about anything.

MyMummyHasGotABigBottom · 19/09/2021 19:38

They really won’t care. I have a house that you’d probably describe like the houses of your new friends. I have plenty of friends who live in small flats, and a couple in house shares still. Most of DD’s school friends have far bigger houses (stately even!) than we do. It really doesn’t matter at all I promise 💜

GiantPinkUnicorn · 19/09/2021 19:39

I have lived in lots of different homes and would never care about the size or state of someone else's as long as it was (relatively) clean, safe and welcoming. If these people are worth being friends with it should not matter at all. If it does matter to them, learn and move on and don't take any of it personally. There will be lots of different parents who you will meet over time, just have fun and keep reaching out, and the good people will stick.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 19/09/2021 19:44

Size of house wouldn't bother me in slightest, not being invited to yours would make me think you don't like me enough to invite me to your home but that's my insecurities

I was also thinking it could be more problematic if you don't invite them at all.

Not sure they'd even know that you re t but it shouldn't matter.

PoshWatchShitShoes · 19/09/2021 20:35

Invite your friends to your house, offer frequent cuppas, buy a packet of biscuits. The little ones will have a ball and you'll be able to chat happily.

One of the women from my NCT group went really distant after we had a few play dates at different houses. Based on a few comments she made, I'm convinced it's because she didn't want anyone coming to their home. She really didn't need to worry, but sadly gave up a good group of friends, because of similar insecurities.

Wiredforsound · 19/09/2021 20:45

My best friend live in a mansion that’s been done by a top London interior designer, and she has full time cleaning staff. I live in a three bedroom semi that needs a lot of work. Guess what - the tea and the laughs are the same. People who care about this sort of stuff aren’t the ones you need to care about.

KarmaStar · 19/09/2021 20:50

They will be able to relax in your home and company as it's a home,not a show home.
Just be your normal self and invite them round,don't apologise,they will accept you for who you are,as you accept them for who they are,posh home or not.💐

Marshmallow91 · 19/09/2021 21:01

I don't live in the greatest house, it's only a 2 bedroom - but my now best friend was always anxious about me coming over to her flatshare because it was messy and more "lived in" and there wasn't much room to get around etc. But I couldn't have possibly cared less- she was, and is unbelievably welcoming and makes me smile and feel cosy. That's what I want from a friend. I couldn't give a toss if she lived in a garden shed or an 18 room mansion, she's still a beautiful human being and I love her deeply.

SquarePeggyLeggy · 19/09/2021 21:18

Please invite them. My house is much nicer than my brother’s. Since we bought it, they never have us over. I know that’s why. I find it hurtful, it means we see each other less for a reason I couldn’t care less about. I want to see the people not the house!

User135792468 · 19/09/2021 21:18

I agree with a pp. If you didn’t invite me to yours, I’d just assume you didn’t like my company or enjoy the other play dates we had. Your house wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. As long as you make me a coffee and the children can play then I’d be happy. For me, it’s about getting out of the house and being with people.

saraclara · 19/09/2021 21:28

I was the poor person in my 'new NCT friends' group of three. It never made the slightest difference to anything. They had lovely houses (one had horses) and I had a small three bed semi. No-one cared. It's 34 years later and we're still in touch! They're even more wealthy and I'm...not!

If you get on, your kids have fun, and they're decent people, you don't have a thing to worry about

Goldbar · 19/09/2021 21:31

Don't be embarrassed. Host them. I live in a 3 bed house while one of my friends from baby classes lives in a 2 room flat. Doesn't bother either of us.

MsSquiz · 19/09/2021 21:40

I went to private school aged 11 and knew no one there. I lived in a 2 bed council flat with my DM. The friends I made lived in huge 4/5 bed detached houses with en suites & sprawling gardens on private roads.

My DM felt like you, but as I was older, didn't want me to feel left out of having friends over for tea and sleepovers. So she sucked it up and was the hostess with the mostess! She made delicious food (always bacon sandwiches for breakfast) would let us rent films from blockbuster and make homemade popcorn & milkshakes, then chuck us all in the living room with duvets, sleeping bags and pillows and let us get on with it.

I'm 35 now and my DM died 4 years ago, and my best friend still talks about how the best sleepovers were at my house! (And I would say the same about hers - we camped in her back garden!)

They probably would just like somewhere different to go rather than stare at their own 4 walls, they aren't coming to inspect the place. As long as you're kind to their kids and provide teas/coffees/biscuits, anywhere different is a break from their norm

geordieprincess · 19/09/2021 21:41

When mine were little the houses I remember loving going to were the ones that I wasn't scared my dc were going to: break something; hurt themselves; go missing. Do you have that environment - can you spend just a short amount of time creating it? To me that's massively more important than the size of the house.

purpleme12 · 19/09/2021 21:41

I met a friend when my child was at preschool who had a well nice house. Really spacious and well kept. Good size. They owned it.
I rented mine, it was nothing like theirs. Pretty normal. Needed touching up everywhere. I don't give a crap. Never even think about those things. Mine wasn't even the tidiest either.
And if they're really bothered by these things they're not worth knowing anyway. But it doesn't sound like they've given any indication of that

DroopyClematis · 19/09/2021 22:01

I live in a house similar to your friends.
My children, now adults, had many friends from lots of different properties/backgrounds and it mattered , not a jot, to anyone.

I do recall my daughter having a friend who lived in the sort of house that we would pay to look around on a Saturday afternoon, complete with staff cottages and groundsmen.
Mum was absolutely lovely and I got on well with her.

Despite coming to my house, I never got an invite into her house. I didn't mind, obviously, but I did once say to my daughter, after picking her up once, that I'd love to have a look around their house.
Turns out that mum didn't like anyone coming round as she was too worried and embarrassed that people would feel embarrassed in turn .

Honestly, just crack on with it, make a cake, bake some biscuits, buy some Wagon Wheels and Jammie Dodgers and enjoy their company.

surreygirl1987 · 19/09/2021 22:02

Honestly it won't matter at all! At my NCT we ranged from massive expensive houses to tiny rented flats. Nobody cared. We were all just busy being parents, as are you and your friends! They like you for you, not your house anyway!

Marshmallow91 · 19/09/2021 22:50

I just have to point out how lovely this thread is ❤️ full of lovely, kindhearted comments.

Skysblue · 19/09/2021 23:20

They won’t care what your house is like.

They will care if you keep going round theirs but never invite them back or at least explain why. That’s just rude.

I tried to befriend one mum who came to our house a few times, and she awkwardly explained that she couldn’t have me and my daughter back to hers as it wasn’t in a fit state for guests. Fair enough I thought, no problem, I appreciate the explanation.

Then it gradually became clear that she does invite friends back to hers for playdates - but only if they have the same accent as her and no spare cash. Apparently I don’t have the right accent to be asked round 😔 I didn’t think I was posh, I live in a 3 bed semi 🤷‍♀️ but anyway no invite for me.

I’ve stopped trying to be friends with her now. Depressingly the class socialising has divided into two halves: a half with less money and a half with more money. But it was very much the half with less money who refuse to play with the rest of us.

People are weird.