Young mum stigma creeping down?

[DoeDear]

So I am in my early 20s and married with a small baby. So far, other mothers have been okay, but older women have seemed very weird about it. They make out that it's somehow socially inappropriate for an educated woman to have a child in her 20s, that the 'right' time is only in your 30s, and telling me that my child will be disadvantaged because I am in my 20s. I wouldn't mind, but I have all of my ducks in a row, and my child is absolutely thriving (she's about 2 months ahead on all of her milestones. Where she gets that from I don't know, but I'm not going to complain).

Aibu to wonder if this is just a regional thing, or is treating mother's in their 20s with the same unpleasant scorn reserved for teenage mothers is becoming more common?

What region is this?
Do you think it may be more a class based thing?

Oops, didn't mean to put the "is" in-between "mothers" and "becoming"

When you have a child EVERYONE has an opinion. Sometimes they are making a noise to make conversation for conversations sake. Sometimes they are judging, sometimes they are sharing the benefit of their own experience.

For your sanity, drown out the noise, smile, nod and repeat "this works for us".

Very true words.

@AGreenerShadeofKale it's the Midlands

Everyone has an opinion. I am an older mum and get it the other way, sometimes just thoughtless comments.
It's not worth bothering about. You're happy, you're child is happy and that's all that matters.

You’re not your typical young mum, sorry!

Are they criticising you or are they defensively justifying their own choices and you're taking that as an attack on you?

Noone can win at motherhood. If you're the "right" age then you're feeding wrong or weaning wrong or they're sleeping wrong or you're working wrong or they're not meeting their milestones (see you got the "advanced" dig in there) because you're wrong.

Avoid people make you feel bad but check you're not jumping on the "doing it right" bandwagon yourself.

Welcome to motherhood.

Someone, somewhere, thinks you're doing it wrong

@slightlyworriedthissunday what I don't get is why it can be considered any more 'wrong' to have a child in your 20s than it is in your 30s. I've read the research papers and know that your 20s are a nice low-risk sweet spot for having a higher chance of a healthy happy mother and baby. I don't see how having a baby at a time that is biologically quite good can be so unforgivable, hence why it should be stigmatised

I don’t think it’s a regional thing I think it’s rude person thing. No one has the right to tell a parent their child is disadvantaged because the other parent made a different decision to their own. So uncalled for.

But yes, I agree with others, once you’ve got a kid plenty of people seem to have an opinion on how you bring them up and the choices you make with all aspects of your life.

[quote DoeDear]@AGreenerShadeofKale it's the Midlands[/quote]
I’m also in the Midlands and have experienced it mostly the other way around. I actually get sctively ignored by a lot of the younger first time Mums (most in their 20s-30s) as I’m older. At a church group recently someone even had the call to loudly arrange a meet up ‘for the mums under 40’ - when I’m the only one that fits the bill.

You just have to get on with it and build your tribe. Luckily for you in the Midlands a lot of women still have their kids in their 20s but you might just have to travel a bit further afield (or join mums groups in BAME areas) to meet them.

@ditalini I'm not on the bandwagon, I just mention her development because this weird stigma makes me feel somehow feckless and irresponsible for having a child at my age, and I guess it makes me feel defensive. Pointing out that she's doing well makes me feel like I'm doing an okay job.

If it's any consolation I met all of my milestones very late and turned out fine, hence being surprised that she's early with everything.

It certainly shouldn't be stigmatised, and I'm sure you're doing a great job. It's probably just people projecting their own views onto your situation, but people should keep their mouths firmly shut - I never understand why people feel that they have free reign to comment on other people's reproductive choices.

Personally, I wouldn't have been emotionally ready for parenthood in my early twenties, but we're all different. It sounds like your dc is thriving, so just ignore.

@Ozanj that's awful. I bet you're a fantastic mother, there's nothing wrong with being an older mother

Are women actually telling you, that your dd will be disadvantaged and that it's more usual to have dc in your 30s? I can't get my head around people saying this. It's not my experience at all, although I do think that 'similar mums' naturally flock together, probably understandable that they gel over shared experiences and being a similar age.

Where are you meeting these rude people?

You've probably just unfortunately encountered some very rude people. I'm 25, married, and about to have our third child any day now - I could just be lucky but not once in any of my pregnancies or four years of being a parent has anyone said anything negative about my age.

Although in my area it is very common to have your first in your 20s!

I have had dc in my teens (17), 20's, 30's and 40's(43).. Felt more 'awkward' at the school gates with ds now 7 tbh. I am 50 and def the oldest there. Apart from the dgm's who do the school runs!!
Gave up giving a fuck many moons ago!!

[quote DoeDear]@ditalini I'm not on the bandwagon, I just mention her development because this weird stigma makes me feel somehow feckless and irresponsible for having a child at my age, and I guess it makes me feel defensive. Pointing out that she's doing well makes me feel like I'm doing an okay job.

If it's any consolation I met all of my milestones very late and turned out fine, hence being surprised that she's early with everything.[/quote]
But you don't think these other women feel defensive and are saying the things they say to make them feel better about their choices?

You've justified your choice re: age and "sweet spots" and scientific literature - may well make an older mother feel bad.

We make our choices for good or for ill. Find other stuff to talk about.

I would definitely have had a child in my 20s if I'd been in a position to do so. It's a great time to have a child if everything else is in place. My ducks were all over the place though so I didn't

People are actually telling you your child will be disadvantaged? Or are you reading between the lines? If it's the former, disengage entirely because that's incredibly rude. If it's the latter, many women feel that they themselves are better parents in their 30s than they would have been in their 20s (me included) and it may be a lack of appreciation for difference rather than disapproval. As @dannydyerismydad says, smile, nod, "this works for us".

Also: I've read the research papers and know that your 20s are a nice low-risk sweet spot for having a higher chance of a healthy happy mother and baby That's a massive generalisation.

@ZoyaTheDestroyer church mostly, but also randomers in the playground. Maybe I should go to different places

I had mine in my 30s but those mothers sound bloody rude if they are saying things like that

How bizarre to be encountering so many rude people.

You read multiple research papers on maternal age prior to getting pregnant? Why?

Really all very odd.