Young mum stigma creeping down?

[DoeDear]

So I am in my early 20s and married with a small baby. So far, other mothers have been okay, but older women have seemed very weird about it. They make out that it's somehow socially inappropriate for an educated woman to have a child in her 20s, that the 'right' time is only in your 30s, and telling me that my child will be disadvantaged because I am in my 20s. I wouldn't mind, but I have all of my ducks in a row, and my child is absolutely thriving (she's about 2 months ahead on all of her milestones. Where she gets that from I don't know, but I'm not going to complain).

Aibu to wonder if this is just a regional thing, or is treating mother's in their 20s with the same unpleasant scorn reserved for teenage mothers is becoming more common?

I'm 28 and I had my DD at 20 I got comments and looks no one cares anymore it will pass.

Are you really receiving that much judgment? I’m struggling to believe it if you are married especially? I had my daughter at 22 and then my son at 23 and I was a single mum and didn’t receive any judgment at all.

I'm in the Midlands and an older mother. Unfortunately everyone has a very critical and scornful attitude and I've never lived anywhere more judgemental and hostile.

@3scape

I'm in the Midlands and an older mother. Unfortunately everyone has a very critical and scornful attitude and I've never lived anywhere more judgemental and hostile.

Snap

@DoeDear I am midlands too and have experienced this. First baby group I went to I was the youngest by about 10 years and was ignored completely on the two occasions I went. I was told by a woman on the check out in Tesco I was too young to have a baby and was told by someone else that ‘I guess it’s ok because you’re still with the father’

I have no ‘mum friends’ from my eldests school days. I do think it was my age as I’ve never struggled to make friends in any other setting.

@3scape @Ozanj where in the Midlands are you? I'm just outside of Birmingham and haven't experienced this at all.

Yes I think it’s becoming more unacceptable.

Not in real life obviously, but in general. I only think this is because everyone is aware of the house crisis and in people’s minds you can’t have a baby until you have a home. Homes cost more and more, so are becoming unobtainable for 20 -29 year olds. If your in your 30’s there is more chance of you having your own home so it’s more acceptable to have a baby.

This is why I think people think that way. One friend thinks it’s becoming more unacceptable due to the education system becoming longer, so people are seen as kids for longer.

Just depends on your own theory really

I'm really sorry to hear of pp's negative experiences. I'm also just outside Birmingham and never experienced anything like it.

@Teaandcakeordeath83

I wish I'd started in my 20s. Late thirties with 3 under 7 is exhausting!

Like a previous poster said though "welcome to motherhood- someone will always think you're doing it wrong". X

I think 3 under 7 would be exhausting at any age!

I'm a university educated professional from a sink council estate. I experienced both sides of this when I fell pregnant at 23. From home, people were surprised that I was having a baby, my failure to shack up with someone and procreate in my late teens was taken as a sign that family life was not for me. From my uni friends, there was a general sense of horror that we had gotten ourselves in such a pickle at such a young age. DS (now 17) is a full two years older than the next oldest child in our friendship group, and a few of my friends have only started families in their early 40s. Me and my DH are still very much together, my children are thriving and we have a very happy life. So they can all retrospectively do one! 😂

[quote girlmom21]**@3scape* @Ozanj* where in the Midlands are you? I'm just outside of Birmingham and haven't experienced this at all. [/quote]
East Midlands.

telling me that my child will be disadvantaged because I am in my 20s

Have people actually said this to you?

Yes I had a few judgy comments. In the area I was living it more common to have a baby at 45 than 25. So when I was pregnant at 23 I was often asked 'how old are you!?' Imagine saying that to a 40+. They just wouldn't.
The doctor at the hospital said it was 'refreshing' to treat a mum in her 20s which I also thought was odd.

As it happened I made some lovely 40+ friends. Our kids are 6 years old now and all doing well. I have an invite to a 50th bday next week. They'll be coming to my 30th we laugh about it but it doesn't matter at all and I think anyone being negative is just misguided and unkind so don't pay them any attention.

@Milkbottlelegs

telling me that my child will be disadvantaged because I am in my 20s

Have people actually said this to you?

They might not outright use the word 'disadvantaged' in conversation but people are very rude to young parents especially mothers

I imagine it's more things like "you won't be able to get a job/have any money/a mortgage/how will you cope"/ asking questions that are none of their business

And that's only if they're tactful because I'm religious communities IME people will just bluntly put you down

Best advice is to ignore it OP. Just do you and do the best you can for your DC. People will always have an opinion. I was once a young parent and stigmatised also. Now I’m late 30’s people still think I’m ‘young’ to have an 18 year old DC but it’s clear I’ve brought up decent, well rounded, articulate children so there is very little left to be said.

20s seems to me a great age to be a parent! It's actually the ideal age

But it's true, everyone will have and freely give lots of opinions

I sort of understand what you mean, where I live it’s mostly first time Mums in their mid to late 30’s with my first i was 24. But where I originally come from a lot of my school friends had their children around the same age as me - so in one hand I felt normal against old school friends but uneasy around the older mums at playgroups where we lived. It’s was also odd as I also had a very young Mum so she was 41 when I made her a grandma!! So some mums where the same age as my Mum!

But to be honest we all just parents trying to work it all out! I tried different groups and eventually gave up!! It was easier with my second as I was 31& I made a lot more mum friends - but I think that was more me not caring anymore and opening up more !

@Ozanj I'm sorry you've experienced that. People are shitty.

@escapisum101 that's a fair point. You'll notice that I didn't use the word advanced though. I know that they're typically all walking and talking by the time they hit school, and that the rate of meeting milestones has no relationship with IQ.

Factually she is meeting the milestones expected of a child 2 months older. It doesn't necessarily mean anything in terms of her future. I was late at everything and turned out fine. I just am defensive because I've been made to feel bad about being a mother in my 20s, and highlighting that she's doing well makes me feel like I'm fine as a parent after all, even if it means nothing in the long-term.

It sounds ideal. Perhaps they’re just jealous.

I was classed as an older mother when I had mine at the age of 26. This was early 70s, just shows how times change. It doesn't matter when you have your children, people nowadays are so judgemental on so many things.

It's refreshing to hear about everyone's experiences, thank you for sharing them

@Brollywasntneededafterall I think you're more deserving of my user name than me

i had DD at 21 and experienced some hostility at one toddler group so i left and ent to the one with loads of young mums.

I did get the odd funny look in the street, i think that was partly because i looked about 16 though.

i think that the attitudes to the age of pregnancy are mainly a class thing. A lot of people think it is vital to have a career and mortgage before you have a baby.

Young mums can be fantastic mums, i hope you and your family have a great time.

The doctor at the hospital said it was 'refreshing' to treat a mum in her 20s which I also thought was odd.

My doctor told me I was young at 36 compared to most expectant mothers she saw!