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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Young mum stigma creeping down?

102 replies

DoeDear · 19/09/2021 11:34

So I am in my early 20s and married with a small baby. So far, other mothers have been okay, but older women have seemed very weird about it. They make out that it's somehow socially inappropriate for an educated woman to have a child in her 20s, that the 'right' time is only in your 30s, and telling me that my child will be disadvantaged because I am in my 20s. I wouldn't mind, but I have all of my ducks in a row, and my child is absolutely thriving (she's about 2 months ahead on all of her milestones. Where she gets that from I don't know, but I'm not going to complain).

Aibu to wonder if this is just a regional thing, or is treating mother's in their 20s with the same unpleasant scorn reserved for teenage mothers is becoming more common?

OP posts:
Original poster
DoeDear · 19/09/2021 12:01

@Holskey people have unfortunately outright said that. If having children in their 30s works best for other people, then that's fine with me. I just can't understand what's so terrible about me not doing that.

I agree that it's a huge generalisation. I use it as people telling me that it's bad to be a mother in their 20s is a huge generalisation on their part too

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/09/2021 12:03

telling me that my child will be disadvantaged because I am in my 20s

Did somebody actually say this? And in what context?

Original poster
DoeDear · 19/09/2021 12:05

@MissTrip82 I'm a geek and am in the medical field, so I do read research papers. To be fair I have a young face anyway, so maybe people are mistaking me for a teenager (although why a teenager would wear the kind of frumpy things I wear is beyond me)? That said, they tend to be rude once I've confirmed that I'm in my early 20s, so not sure on that one

OP posts:
Original poster
DoeDear · 19/09/2021 12:07

@TheYearOfSmallThings a woman at church after she asked me how old I was. It seemed kind of out of the blue as I don't really know her well, and I was too surprised to come up with a meaningful response. Needless to say I made up an excuse to exit that conversation quickly.

OP posts:
Mapletreelane · 19/09/2021 12:07

There is another thread about being too old at 36 for first baby! No one can win.

OP, it is absolutely nobody's business but your own. Age doesn't impact your ability to provide a loving and supportive environment. The type of person you are is more important than your age.

WoozySnoozy · 19/09/2021 12:08

I've read the research papers and know that your 20s are a nice low-risk sweet spot for having a higher chance of a healthy happy mother and baby I'd be a bit careful that you don't fall into judging older mothers in a similar way.

It really is no ones business and people commenting on it to you are being rude and you should tell them to stop being so judgey.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 19/09/2021 12:08

I had DS at 22 and no one has ever commented on it negatively, at least not to my face!

WoozySnoozy · 19/09/2021 12:08

[quote DoeDear]@TheYearOfSmallThings a woman at church after she asked me how old I was. It seemed kind of out of the blue as I don't really know her well, and I was too surprised to come up with a meaningful response. Needless to say I made up an excuse to exit that conversation quickly.[/quote]
If she says it again say you expected a church goer to be a bit less judgey

FTEngineerM · 19/09/2021 12:09

Babies seem to be a real sweet spot for offence being taken/given.

It’s like with everything baby related if one mother says they feed their kid one way another mother is defensive as to why they chose a different method.

If one family chooses to wait until 30s the 20s are offended and defensive, the 40s mother is offended and defensive that waited for what ever reason.

We could probably all do with a bit of ‘live and let live’ just because someone chooses differently to you it doesn’t make it positive or negative just different.

SnailAndAWhale · 19/09/2021 12:10

I think you’ve been incredibly unlucky meeting multiple people like this. I also got married and had our first in my early twenties, and have never really encountered this. I was the youngest in our NCT group but only by about 3 or 4 years, so it wasn’t a huge gap by any means. You sound like you’re doing a great job so just ignore these people who seem to have a different opinion.

user89000005 · 19/09/2021 12:11

You're brave to post here OP, the only rudeness I've seen towards young mothers in my life is on mumsnet, including at least one poster on this thread.

BlueberrySugar · 19/09/2021 12:12

You're not a 'young mum' so don't worry about it.

Sometimes I wonder where on earth people get these comments. I've never known anyone in real life to say such things. Not saying it didn't happen more the fact I can't believe someone would just say some weird offensive shit about their choice in parenthood!

Stripyhoglets · 19/09/2021 12:15

Everyone has an opinion on motherhood. Just because it wasn't right for them doesn't mean its not right for you.

SirChenjins · 19/09/2021 12:15

You mentioned one woman asking you how old you were (which in itself doesn’t seem particularly judgey) but can you give us some other examples of what all the other women have said?

You will always get judged by rude people sadly who often seem to forget that a thought in their head doesn’t have to translate into actual speech.

Mommabear20 · 19/09/2021 12:16

I'm 28, but only look 22/23, I have 2 children under 2, and yes I completely understand where you're coming from! Despite the fact I was married before I got pregnant the first time and that we'd been together 5 years before engagement and engaged 1 year before wedding, and we both work full time for big companies and are self sufficient in everything, I still get judged

Gorl · 19/09/2021 12:18

How bizarre that people keep being so rude! How is this even coming up in conversation?

Having a baby in your 20s doesn’t make you anything close to a young mum, so these people have a very weird attitude. The average age for a first baby is still 20 something, so it’s very normal.

I think you’ve had an unlucky run of rude twats Grin

InglouriousBasterd · 19/09/2021 12:19

I was in my mid twenties when I had DD and that’s so unusual in this area (late thirties is the norm around here) that I was always assumed to be the nanny. It was embarrassing at first until I got used to it happening, but some other mothers were absolutely scathing that I’d had a child ‘so young’.

So yep, I completely get where you’re coming from!

Teaandcakeordeath83 · 19/09/2021 12:22

I wish I'd started in my 20s. Late thirties with 3 under 7 is exhausting!

Like a previous poster said though "welcome to motherhood- someone will always think you're doing it wrong". X

Seymour5 · 19/09/2021 12:25

Rude people. As long as parents are in the position to support any child they decide to have, why not?

8dpwoah · 19/09/2021 12:26

YABU for making a point of saying your child is two months ahead on their milestones tbh. Makes me wonder if its more that you feel like you have to justify yourself when people around you aren't all that bothered?

You don't have to justify yourself at all of course- everyone's circumstances are different. I did find that mums in their 20s are less abundant in the groups I went to but they were there and there were a couple that I naturally clicked with same as there were some 10 years older than me that I also naturally gelled with. It had nothing to do with their age.

Howareyouflower · 19/09/2021 12:30

I had my first baby at just 21 and my 4th at 28. Never regretted it, especially when I was 50 and my youngest was 22 and my friends were coping with menopause and teenagers!

candlelightsatdawn · 19/09/2021 12:31

I mean I remember a time where young mums were frowned upon (I don't know really why tbh). I think it came from the massive generalisation that young mums couldn't have possibly lived a full life before having a baby and life after a baby basically means your trapped forever in your house until you die. Both are wild overstatement.

I think the myths around having a baby young and signing on for benefits really prevailed for a while and people where angry at that. The assumption was is if they are v young, they are on benefits because they won't have steady high enough income, stable home ect. This school of thought is wrong but it's out there.

Nethrt · 19/09/2021 12:34

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helpwithncmum · 19/09/2021 12:35

It a regional/class thing

The working class were never going to be much better off that they were by early 20s so that was the time they also died younger. For many it still is because we have such a huge level of inequality in this country. It doesn't matter when the poor have babies they will stay poor in most cases.

UsedUpUsername · 19/09/2021 12:37

[quote DoeDear]@slightlyworriedthissunday what I don't get is why it can be considered any more 'wrong' to have a child in your 20s than it is in your 30s. I've read the research papers and know that your 20s are a nice low-risk sweet spot for having a higher chance of a healthy happy mother and baby. I don't see how having a baby at a time that is biologically quite good can be so unforgivable, hence why it should be stigmatised[/quote]
When you are at odds with your social network it’s quite awkward.

I recall a friend getting married in college and we were like WTF that’s not happening for another decade! How!?!

Be glad you have your life together at this point, most of us don’t

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