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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to object to my DH going away for the weekend to an men only party where there is definitely going to be excess and women even if he says he won't partake?

77 replies

Et12345 · 18/09/2021 17:28

he's shown me the messages about it and feels that if he's being open and if he gives assurances that he won't indulge then it should be ok. The messages are a thread for days of men in their fifties using sex and drugs emojis and pictures of naked women. I'm basically being told that I should trust and that it's all my problem.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 19/09/2021 09:10

@TangledTrees

As a previous poster said, it’s not a trust issue, it’s a values issue. In your position I would feel sick to the pit of my stomach that my DH even considered going. A slap in the face for you as he’s not the man he professed to be. By attending he would be accepting and legitimising the behaviour of his vile friends, even in the unlikely event that he didn’t partake. You can’t stop him going but you can articulate your feelings and boundaries. I couldn’t be attracted to a man who found this setup acceptable (drugs, sex workers and lying to wives) and it would be a dealbreaker.
Oh don’t be so sanctimonious 😂
languagelover96 · 19/09/2021 09:12

This is like something out of a sad old cheesy film. I say screenshot of his texts on his phone and divorce lawyer time.

Pack all his items etc up in cardboard boxes and dump them in the garden or in his car and also make sure to change the locks on the front door in case of trouble.

He can go but that is the final straw really. This is a true wake up call, original poster use it to your full advantage. I probably would say that you can attend this event but would either have the front and back door locks changed or would have left by the morning to stay at a nice posh hotel etc.

And no you are not being unreasonable. Far from it.

Granllanog · 19/09/2021 09:13

I would be very hurt if my dh wanted to go to such an event. I don't own him nor him me but we respect each other. Telling you what is planned and showing you the chat makes it worse in my opinion!!!!

NiceWelshLady · 19/09/2021 09:16

It sounds pretty nasty and sordid and I feel sad for you that your husband wants to go away with these people. However, it seems pretty futile to stop (or try to stop) him, if this is his idea of fun.

Let him know how it makes you feel, but don't put pressure on him not to go.

I hope that he will decide for himself that his marriage and your feelings are more important than a cheap thrill.

VladmirsPoutine · 19/09/2021 09:19

Pack all his items etc up in cardboard boxes and dump them in the garden or in his car and also make sure to change the locks on the front door in case of trouble.

When posters make these suggestions I wonder if they're being serious or do they genuinely believe life is just like an episode of Eastenders Confused

ChaToilLeam · 19/09/2021 09:22

Sounds sordid and horrible. I would not stay with a partner who thought it was okay to attend such an event. Yes, it is about values.

RunningStrong · 19/09/2021 09:26

It depends entirely on the men. The 50yo men I know who might exchange emojis like that, it would be in a self depreciating "those were the days/the chance would be a fine thing" way, knowing full well that what they'd actually be doing was drinking too much and talking nonsense. Having a laugh.

If it is for real and DH is the kind of man who wants to go, you objecting isn't going to make any difference. Sad

dottiedodah · 19/09/2021 09:30

I think those saying a bunch of 50 year olds are all going to be asleep by 10 are being idiotic! Middle aged men like these are trying to relive their youth! I would be concerned ,its all very well trying to be "open" but it seems he just wants a pass out for a weekend!

CatFaceCats · 19/09/2021 09:34

Nah, I wouldn’t be happy with that either. I’d have no problems with a partner having a weekend away, or nights out or whatever. But they are being so blatant. And I agree with previous poster who said it’s like hiding in plain sight. I’d tell the other wives personally. Why would he want to go when it seems as if the point would be drugs and shagging?

SofiaMichelle · 19/09/2021 09:35

@VladmirsPoutine

Pack all his items etc up in cardboard boxes and dump them in the garden or in his car and also make sure to change the locks on the front door in case of trouble.

When posters make these suggestions I wonder if they're being serious or do they genuinely believe life is just like an episode of Eastenders Confused

I think a lot of people who post replies here are desperate for drama so you're not far wrong with Eastenders.

The actual lives affected by a given scenario are immaterial to them, it's the excitement of goading and egging on the OP of a thread to behave in a particular way that they come here for.

SingingInTheShithouse · 19/09/2021 09:39

Urgh 🤢

I wouldn't tell my own DH he couldn't go, I'm not his mother. BUT I'd be sure as hell telling him he needs new ADULT friends & to stop hanging out with bloody disrespectful 15 yo boys & I'd be sorely disappointed & might end it if he couldn't see what was wrong with his mates behaviour & went anyway. Thankfully mine would be complaining himself & wouldn't want to go away with men like this

GoodForTheSoul · 19/09/2021 09:41

As PPs said, I would not want to be married to a man who though that kind of weekend was 'fun'. Worse yet, it sounds like he is a very weak individual. He won't partake/agree with it but he still wants to go and continue to be firends with these people?

I'm sorry but there is nothing more unattractive than an adult who goes along with 'peer pressure'. Unless of course, he really is into these plans...

Stovetopespresso · 19/09/2021 09:52

@TangledTrees

As a previous poster said, it’s not a trust issue, it’s a values issue. In your position I would feel sick to the pit of my stomach that my DH even considered going. A slap in the face for you as he’s not the man he professed to be. By attending he would be accepting and legitimising the behaviour of his vile friends, even in the unlikely event that he didn’t partake. You can’t stop him going but you can articulate your feelings and boundaries. I couldn’t be attracted to a man who found this setup acceptable (drugs, sex workers and lying to wives) and it would be a dealbreaker.
this 100%
Karwomannghia · 19/09/2021 09:53

Why does he want to go if he doesn’t partake? You can tell a lot by a man’s friends.

Faevern · 19/09/2021 10:04

@Pemmican

The messages are a thread for days of men in their fifties using sex and drugs emojis and pictures of naked women

I wouldn't object to a man like this going away. In fact, I'd fucking relish a man like this going away. And staying away forever.

Absolutely this:

And from your update if you have a long term agreement that he doesn’t attend these gatherings then it is him moving the goal posts so YANBU to object.

How do their wives and partners not know?

mamas12 · 19/09/2021 10:05

How absolutely disappointing to realise that the man you think you know is a creep who doesn’t give a good about you or women at all
I’m afraid i would have to sit him down a tell him what you’ve said here and say that as an intelligent adult you are not falling for the ‘becool’ pressures about him being a sleaze And of course it’s his decision to go but also your decision to Rethink your relationships and or leave him if he does
Good luck

Macncheeseballs · 19/09/2021 10:09

Agree with tangled trees, it's not on

ColorMagicBarbie · 19/09/2021 10:11

Not sure 50 year old men lose the ability to be sleazy and just go to bed st 9am instead. 😂

Look at all the high profile abusers. Mainly middle aged men.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 19/09/2021 12:04

You can't tell him not to go and there's not much point getting angry, he has form and (as Judge Judy says) you picked him.

But you don't have to put up and shut up with all the secretive nonsense. This is where you ring up the hosts's wife and say "darling, I just wanted to thank you so much for hosting yourH and DH for the party at your SecondHome. It's amazing that you're doing that. DH is really looking forward to it, sounds like it's going to be quite a riot. And I'm looking forward to a nice weekend while the boys are busy. Would you like to come over / meet for dinner in town while they're all partying? And I'll ring up MrsGeuest1 and MrsGuest2 and Guest3GF and see if any of them want to join us".

That should fix it nicely.

If your DH complains "don't be silly dear of course the wives know what you're up to, do you think you're the only one who tells? Or that the others can't guess? They know their husbands and they know what your group get up to, it's not the first time is it? Come to think of it, if you do go you'd better have an STD test afterwards, if there's going to be a lot of booze plus drugs and women you might not remember everything that happened." (You can say that last bit even if you don't talk to the other wives)

Or if you don't say anything to the wives at the time, just before the next time you meet them socially you can say to DH "didn't they host that party? I must ask how MrsHost how it all went". Keep your DH on his toes!

Zeal · 19/09/2021 12:10

@Et12345 I am not 100% clear why a men only weekend at one guy's second home involves women. Are you saying they are arranging for prostitutes to stay or are some of them taking girlfriends? Just not clear.

Original poster
Et12345 · 19/09/2021 17:39

Thanks so much everyone. Your posts have been really useful and have helped me find other ways to articulate how worried and upset I am about what was unfolding. My husband has now said he's not going and his marriage matters more but we definitely have more discussions to be had around shared values etc. Thanks again. x

OP posts:
DameFanny · 19/09/2021 20:05

Oh that's positive! Cross fingers you can find your common ground on values - hopefully he's done more growing up than he realises in the last 20-30 years

Gncq · 19/09/2021 20:13

Oh it's good he's not going now.

To be honest if my husband gave even a hint of interest in going on a sleaze trip, it would make my skin crawl and would really change my feelings for him.

Anordinarymum · 19/09/2021 20:16

If my bloke even thought about doing something like this....

Well .......

I would be single again.

Chailatteplease · 19/09/2021 20:40

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