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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to object to my DH going away for the weekend to an men only party where there is definitely going to be excess and women even if he says he won't partake?

77 replies

Et12345 · 18/09/2021 17:28

he's shown me the messages about it and feels that if he's being open and if he gives assurances that he won't indulge then it should be ok. The messages are a thread for days of men in their fifties using sex and drugs emojis and pictures of naked women. I'm basically being told that I should trust and that it's all my problem.

OP posts:
Cryalot2 · 18/09/2021 18:35

How is your relationship?

Is there trust, love and happiness?

If any doubt get a friend and turn up at the same venue failing that a private detective.
Hope all is harmless.

malificent7 · 18/09/2021 18:35

He sounds like a peach. These women must be desperate!

yomommasmomma · 18/09/2021 18:35

Screen shot the messages, start a group chat with all the wives and forward them. Then tell your husband he is a sad, sleazy old misogynist and divorce him. Problem solved!

astoundedgoat · 18/09/2021 18:38

@HalzTangz

I'm a bit confused why will women be there if it's an all man's getaway, are they going to a strip club, or Amsterdam?
I'm assuming she means sex workers.
Mamamia7962 · 18/09/2021 18:39

Iflyaway -. It was meant in a light-hearted way, both me and my husband are in our 50s.

DrSbaitso · 18/09/2021 18:40

It very much sounds as if he's trying to throw you off the scent by hiding in plain sight. He's being "honest", so you should trust him, and now you become the bad guy if you object. Even though it's being kept secret from other wives.

It's going to be unsavoury and he'll be participating just by being there. Trust your instincts. You can't forbid him to go, but you can tell him how unhappy you are and decide how you plan to respond if he does go. You can't control what he does but you can control how you react.

RubyGoat · 18/09/2021 18:43

I wouldn't want to be married to someone who thought it was ok to go and pay for women's bodies. Women who had potentially been trafficked and/or forced into that position because of drug use or poverty. If he claims he's only going to watch, he's still taking part, he's still supporting the other men's behaviour.

Maybe ask him how he would feel if you were to find work as one of those women. Would that count as cheating? Would he leave you? If yes, he would also be cheating.

ChristmasFluff · 18/09/2021 18:48

I wouldn't stop him, but I wuldn't want to be married ot someone who wanted to go to that sort of get together.

He's a sleaze with sleazy friends. Yuck.

scarpa · 18/09/2021 19:45

I don't understand precisely - is the weekend designed to be 'fuckloads of drugs and shagging', or is it a friend group getaway where you know a few of them will get too drunk and have form for cheating in the past? Are other women going who are friends, or are they trying to hook up with strangers? Sex workers?

I ask because it changes my answer - if it was a group of friends, some of whom are women and a few who are known for being cheats and pissheads, but the aim of the weekend was just to get drunk and hang out and you know your DH isn't a cheat, I wouldn't be bothered. If was literally designed to be some kind of wannabe-Wolf-of-Wall-Street weekender and your husband has form for cheating, I'd raise an eyebrow (and leave him). I trust my DH, so I wouldn't tell him not to go, but then he also doesn't have friends who'd do that kind of thing.

Do you trust your DH? Have you got concerns over him drinking a lot? Does he use drugs often/ever? Basically, are you panicking over his friends doing something your DH isn't going to do anyway, or is this exactly the kind of thing he wants to do and you're worried he won't listen to your boundaries on it?

Chloemol · 18/09/2021 20:07

YANBU. Tbh it’s disgusting behaviour, they are degrading women in their messages and he thinks that’s acceptable?

That would make me reconsider the relationship, never mind going away

MyPatronusIsACat · 18/09/2021 20:16

YANBU to be upset and pissed off about this @Et12345 But YABU to be in a marriage to a man who had 'friends' like this/socialises with men like this. They all sound vile, and I'm afraid your DH is probably not too different to them.

Why is your bar set so low?

DismantledKing · 18/09/2021 20:19

I don’t understand what this event is. Is it a swingers type thing?

StarCourt · 18/09/2021 20:23

If there are women involved who are being paid to be there and your husband is willing to attend to stand by and see that, even if he doesn't partake, then he is as bad as his friends.

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 18/09/2021 20:25

Presumably the women are going to be sex workers? I don’t think it’s a trust issue…I think it’s a values issue. I would trust my partner, but I wouldn’t like him very much or feel like we had the same values anymore if he thought that these sorts of men and parties were ok.

RogueV · 18/09/2021 20:33

Sounds disgusting

YANBU

DameFanny · 18/09/2021 20:35

Tell the wife who's 2nd home it's going to be in.

And if your H can't see the problem, you very much have a problem with him Sad

Thadhiya · 19/09/2021 08:36

A second home with drugs and prostitutes? And your husband says he's just going to sit there reading a book?

I'd find it hard to resist not arranging for all the wives to pop out of a big surprise cake and divorce the skeezy lot of them.

notanothertakeaway · 19/09/2021 08:42

@SweetBabyCheeses99

Presumably the women are going to be sex workers? I don’t think it’s a trust issue…I think it’s a values issue. I would trust my partner, but I wouldn’t like him very much or feel like we had the same values anymore if he thought that these sorts of men and parties were ok.
Agree with this

You can't control his behaviour, but can decide how to react

I couldn't be with someone who thought it was ok to exploit vulnerable women

Branleuse · 19/09/2021 08:43

Is it a swingers event?
A strip club?

If my partner wanted to go to an event like this without me, then i would put my foot down. He could still do it, but he wouldnt have me to come home to

VladmirsPoutine · 19/09/2021 08:51

The thing is if you object you'll just create resentment. If your partner is going to cheat or whatever he's going to do it regardless - maybe not at this particular event if you ban him but you can't ban him from seeing his friends forever. I'd say if you are worried about his conduct here then you have more to worry about rather than just a group of friends getting trashed together.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 19/09/2021 08:56

So he's attending a make only event with his friends where there will be drink and drugs and sex workers.

I'd tell him to go by all means but pack all his stuff because he wouldn't be wanted back in my house afterwards. Whether he participated or not.

Standards

Outbutnotoutout · 19/09/2021 08:58

It would be a deal braker for me...

Tell him your going to make contact with all the wives and GFs of these men and organise a Weekend away, with some nice young men thrown in, a hot tub and lots of drink.

He wouldn't mind you going, of course!!!!

OverweightPidgeon · 19/09/2021 08:59

Even if he ends up not going, I would seriously question the relationship purely because he wanted to go.

Bluntness100 · 19/09/2021 09:04

You either trust him or you don’t. Trying to control him and treat him like a child who has to ask permission isn’t going to make your relationship any better. I can assure you.

TangledTrees · 19/09/2021 09:08

As a previous poster said, it’s not a trust issue, it’s a values issue. In your position I would feel sick to the pit of my stomach that my DH even considered going. A slap in the face for you as he’s not the man he professed to be. By attending he would be accepting and legitimising the behaviour of his vile friends, even in the unlikely event that he didn’t partake.
You can’t stop him going but you can articulate your feelings and boundaries. I couldn’t be attracted to a man who found this setup acceptable (drugs, sex workers and lying to wives) and it would be a dealbreaker.

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