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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Think DD Should Ask...

84 replies

SingingInTheShithouse · 18/09/2021 16:20

Before taking food to cook for herself?

Genuine AIBU as her attitude towards me stinks in general & I'm not sure if I'm reacting to that more so.

She's almost 19, at college & we are more than happy to feed her, but I just think she needs to ask before helping herself to items I might already have ear marked for meals.

Just watched her pick up a chunk of ginger root, to which I asked her if she could use the dry spice, as I bought that for a reason... cue angry hissy fit, asking how much she needed as maybe I could spare a little, had her scream hysterically & throw the ginger across the kitchen & a huge passive aggressive outburst about how she's been spoken to like dirt for feeding herself & made to feel unwelcome... erm nope, that didn't just happen

Surely it's just common sense & good manners to ask. She always used to, but suddenly feels she doesn't need too

Thank you

OP posts:

BigSandyBalls2015 · 18/09/2021 16:22

Pick your battles … it’s a bit of ginger

vodkaredbullgirl · 18/09/2021 16:27

Original poster

SingingInTheShithouse · 18/09/2021 16:27

It's not a bit of ginger, it's her I can help myself if I like & you can just shut up & mind up your business attitude when she's rudely helping herself to what I've bought to make something else

OP posts:

BigSandyBalls2015 · 18/09/2021 16:30

I do get that OP, I have two 20 year old DDs that can be ‘challenging’ but I do try and stop myself over reacting to something quite small when it’s actually something else that is pissing me off.

Holskey · 18/09/2021 16:33

It think your children should help themselves to food and you should tell them what you don't want them to ear.

The disrespectful attitude is a different matter.

Holskey · 18/09/2021 16:33

Eat*

ChargingBuck · 18/09/2021 16:34

@BigSandyBalls2015

Pick your battles … it’s a bit of ginger

Unfortunately for OP, she wasn't given the choice of whether to pick a battle, as her DD decided to create one.

It's nothing to do with "a bit of ginger" & everything to do with temper, selfishness, & a need for melodrama.

SouthSideSally · 18/09/2021 16:35

Have a chat with her when things cool down and not immediately in response to an incident. Let her know that she is welcome to use anything in the kitchen but needs to check first that it's not being used for something else.

Londonlivingg · 18/09/2021 16:35

I think you're being unfair on her. If you're happy to pay for her food (which is perfectly reasonable given she is still in education) and you're happy for her to cook for herself, you can't really expect her to check with you about every ingredient she uses. It's her home! Does she have to ask you everytime she wants a glass of orange juice?. Obviously if you've bought something really specific for some kind of special occasion like a joint of beef it would be rude for her to use it all up.

Her reaction isn't on though. She's too old to be having tantrums like that

Rosesareyellow · 18/09/2021 16:35

YABU.
I mean she shouldn’t talk to you like that obviously, but I can’t help sympathising with her when you trying to dictate what everyone can and can’t do with the food in the house. I wouldn’t be screaming and shouting but it would push my buttons. Rather than her asking, if you really need the odd item for something specific why don’t you just give people a heads up on that.

longwayoff · 18/09/2021 16:36

Oh get a grip. It's not about the bloody ginger. Talk to her.

theresapossuminthekitchen · 18/09/2021 16:39

I don’t think you need to ‘pick your battles’ - she’s an adult! It is perfectly reasonable to say that she needs to use the dry spices as you have bought that for a reason. She’s free to buy her own food or, perhaps even better given the attitude, rent her own house and have her own kitchen and fridge. (I am very much expecting my children to end up living with me sometimes when they’re adults, as I did with my parents, but I would expect them to behave as adults and be polite - as I do now!!)

Honestly, unless she has some very, very good reasons for acting like a petulant toddler (and I’d be pulling my toddler up on that behaviour too) then I would be asking her to find her own place to live as she is not treating you with respect in your home.

lannistunut · 18/09/2021 16:41

IMO she should check when using something you haven't got lots of - I do that myself with DH who does most of the cooking. There are regular ingredients which are fair game and then things he's bought specially for a meal.

But her throwing things and shouting? I would not have done that at her age, that needs sorting out.

bigbluebus · 18/09/2021 16:43

I think you should be pleased that's she cooking the type of food that uses fresh ingredients!

My 24 yo DS is currently back at home and raids ingredients from the fridge/cupboard to make lavish meals/snacks for himself. Fortunately I'm mostly around when he's 'creating' and as he thinks out loud I can usually tell him not to use a particular ingredient or tell him to pop out to the shop and buy a replacement.

I think the bigger issue is your DDs response and attitude rather than the use of particular food.

amylou8 · 18/09/2021 16:43

My fridge and cupboards are now my own 😁 but I used to have a shelf in both that was food ear marked for meals and not to be snacked on. Anything else was help yourself.

overthethamesfromyou · 18/09/2021 16:43

My 19 year old wouldn't have a clue what to do with root ginger I'd be secretly quite proud

BrisbaneandGone · 18/09/2021 16:43

@Rosesareyellow

YABU. I mean she shouldn’t talk to you like that obviously, but I can’t help sympathising with her when you trying to dictate what everyone can and can’t do with the food in the house. I wouldn’t be screaming and shouting but it would push my buttons. Rather than her asking, if you really need the odd item for something specific why don’t you just give people a heads up on that.

Lol at dictating what everyone can and can't do with the food.

OP never did that, she asked her DD to use the other ginger as she had bought the fresh for a meal, a very reasonable request. DD was extremely rude in response

Autumngoldleaf · 18/09/2021 16:47

I hope my older dc can be happy in home and help themselves to ginger.
That's level of the detail does hint that your perhaps quite strict?
I know a parent admonished their dc very seriously for leaving a silver milk bottle top out

Keroppi · 18/09/2021 16:47

I would feel a bit weird and unwelcome if I had to ask everytime I wanted to use something as basic as a spice? But I understand this is about more than the ginger and her reactions are just not on, especially if she's not contributing to the house!!

ChargingBuck · 18/09/2021 16:51

you can't really expect her to check with you about every ingredient she uses. It's her home!

It's every other family member's home too, @Londonlivingg - & DD not bothering to check about even small ingredients could mean that she blows the meal plan for everyone else.

It's not exactly a big ask, to require somebody to be considerate about other people's needs before helping themselves. In fact it's a valuable life skill, & OP should insist her DD learns it.

lannistunut · 18/09/2021 16:52

@Keroppi

Don't think root ginger is that basic for every household, we only buy it when we are going to use it. Ground ginger is always in the cupboard.

TooWicked · 18/09/2021 16:52

DS always asks me beforehand if he’s about to use the last of the garlic (he crushes it into cold baked beans ), whether I need it for our next meal.

I think it’s just basic good manners.

pickingdaisies · 18/09/2021 16:54

I think the OP is more upset about the spice in question being hurled across the kitchen, than being used without asking first (also rude, in this house if there is fresh ginger in, it's for a specific recipe)

itsgettingwierd · 18/09/2021 16:54

Have separate bits of fridge and cupboard for your planned meals ingredients and for everyday use/ help yourself.

Works really well here with me and ds 17.

But definitely need to address why at 19yo she's behaving like a toddler and throwing ginger across the kitchen. How come she isn't capable of just saying she'd use that and then go straight out to shop and replace it?

LesterKnopf · 18/09/2021 16:54

YANBU It's like most arguments which seem 'petty' to outsiders, the actual thing (being asked not to use the ginger) is not important, it is DD's extreme reaction which is wrong. A reasonable adult should have either said "fair enough, mum since you bought it" or had a calm discussion if she doesn't feel like she has enough freedom in the kitchen. Being rude and disrespectful and violent toward a parent who buys her food and provides a home for her is not on. She doesn't have the right to behave like an overgrown toddler, however much she may feel she is making a valid point. She needs to be a grown-up and just talk about things she finds annoying..

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