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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Think DD Should Ask...

84 replies

SingingInTheShithouse · 18/09/2021 16:20

Before taking food to cook for herself?

Genuine AIBU as her attitude towards me stinks in general & I'm not sure if I'm reacting to that more so.

She's almost 19, at college & we are more than happy to feed her, but I just think she needs to ask before helping herself to items I might already have ear marked for meals.

Just watched her pick up a chunk of ginger root, to which I asked her if she could use the dry spice, as I bought that for a reason... cue angry hissy fit, asking how much she needed as maybe I could spare a little, had her scream hysterically & throw the ginger across the kitchen & a huge passive aggressive outburst about how she's been spoken to like dirt for feeding herself & made to feel unwelcome... erm nope, that didn't just happen Confused

Surely it's just common sense & good manners to ask. She always used to, but suddenly feels she doesn't need too Confused

Thank you

OP posts:
CurlyWurly321 · 18/09/2021 16:55

She should really be over the hissy fits at 19, that's embarrassing, she's an adult.

YADNBU.

ChargingBuck · 18/09/2021 16:56

@Autumngoldleaf

I hope my older dc can be happy in home and help themselves to ginger. That's level of the detail does hint that your perhaps quite strict? I know a parent admonished their dc very seriously for leaving a silver milk bottle top out
I hope that my adult child is never so inconsiderate as to use up an ingredient that means everyone else's meal can now not be made as planned.

That's not strictness, it's common courtesy.
It's got nothing to do with a parent/child relationship. I'd expect people sharing a roof to be able to communicate about what ingredients can/cannot be used without throwing a tantrum about it FFS.

CurlyWurly321 · 18/09/2021 16:56

@longwayoff

Oh get a grip. It's not about the bloody ginger. Talk to her.
The OP needs to get a grip? Not the adult that had a hissy fit and threw the ginger? Hmm
Fluffypastelslippers · 18/09/2021 16:57

Just watched her pick up a chunk of ginger root, to which I asked her if she could use the dry spice, as I bought that for a reason... cue angry hissy fit, asking how much she needed as maybe I could spare a little, had her scream hysterically & throw the ginger across the kitchen & a huge passive aggressive outburst about how she's been spoken to like dirt for feeding herself & made to feel unwelcome... erm nope, that didn't just happen

I'm presuming because of her reaction your unhappiness regarding her food use isn't new. Can you sit down together and work out a system so she doesn't need to be policed whilst in the kitchen but is free enough to eat without being told off?

When my eldest started college she started buying her own food, (at her own suggestion), is that an option?

diddl · 18/09/2021 16:59

IDK-would she really have used so much as to mean that you couldn't have made the meal/s that you wanted it for?

Obviously her reaction was way OTT, but is she often pulled up for stuff like this?

zoemum2006 · 18/09/2021 17:02

No I don’t think she should have to ask before she uses food (except if it’s something expensive like a steak).

However…. Her reaction is a problem. You have to ask yourself if you spoke to her rudely about the ginger or if you asked her pleasantly?

If you were honestly nice then I think something is wrong with her and she needs an attitude adjustment.

If you were a bit rude you need to remember to model the behaviour you want from her.

Merryoldgoat · 18/09/2021 17:03

You need to sort out the actual problem. What’s caused such a dramatic breakdown?

girlmom21 · 18/09/2021 17:05

If she only needs a little bit I don't see the issue really. If she'd used a whole pack of chicken you'd defrosted then I'd get it, but ginger? I couldn't get worked up about it.

Can't you just use the ground ginger in your recipe if she uses too much?

VladmirsPoutine · 18/09/2021 17:20

I think when things are a bit less heated have a chat. I can't imagine my parents would ever have got shirty with me over some ginger but if I'd proceeded to fry myself a packet of steaks that were left in the fridge to defrost it would have been a different story.

Creamsoda77 · 18/09/2021 17:23

The picking up the ginger is an odd thing to get annoyed about, but then that wouldn't bother me, its their home and they can get things but as long as the attitude is right,

ShaneTheThird · 18/09/2021 17:27

Wtf is wrong with MN?! At nineteen she is an adult and there is absolutely NO reason or excuse to be acting like that. And no she doesn't have the right to take what has obviously been bought for a family meal and use it. She wants to use them ingredients she goes and buys her own separately.

mbosnz · 18/09/2021 17:28

My DD asked if we were using x, y, and z in making our tea tonight.

No, why?

Oh, we'll come and get those ingredients then, we need them for a meal we want to make at boyfriend's place.

Um, no. If you asked, a different story maybe. But those ingredients cost money, and aren't common, and I had no trust that she'd bring them back.

They don't have a claim to everything in the flipping house as of right.

Macncheeseballs · 18/09/2021 17:30

how much ginger did you need anyway, can't you share it, I'd be happy my kids were taking tge initiative

Creamsoda77 · 18/09/2021 17:30

I also think you as the parent here have an issue too, to get so wound up over some ginger .

Macncheeseballs · 18/09/2021 17:30

*the initiative

CuriousaboutSamphire · 18/09/2021 17:32

@Macncheeseballs

how much ginger did you need anyway, can't you share it, I'd be happy my kids were taking tge initiative
Given OP made that offer, resulting in it being thrown, I suspect you aren't suggesting something OP hadn't thought of!
CuriousaboutSamphire · 18/09/2021 17:34

@Creamsoda77

I also think you as the parent here have an issue too, to get so wound up over some ginger .
An ingredient OP had bought for a family meal OP planned on making.

It wasn't the ginger that was the issue but the reaction when brooked.

It's fairly straightforward, if you just think it through.

warmeduppizza · 18/09/2021 17:35

She should ask, it’s basic courtesy.
Still better than what my DSS does, though. He wanted to cook something that involved diced onions, so I pointed him towards the onions. He then proceeded to stamp his feet until DH drove him into town to buy him a bag of diced onions ‘because he doesn’t like chopping them’ Hmm He is 21.

Creamsoda77 · 18/09/2021 17:35

Cant have been that much surely, ginger is v strong so sorry, cant see the issue here

Thadhiya · 18/09/2021 17:41

Anyone of adult age who screamed and threw things in my house wouldn't live there much longer.

It's perfectly normal to buy ingredients for a meal and then check, before you chop them, if it's for anything, and to ask people to use alternatives.

After that outburst I'd be suggesting she find a houseshare.

CurlyWurly321 · 18/09/2021 17:43

@Macncheeseballs

how much ginger did you need anyway, can't you share it, I'd be happy my kids were taking tge initiative
She offered to share! And then the DD had a tantrum.

And the PP who said "is she often pulled up on this"

She wasn't 'pulled up' on anything.
Please quote the part that describes the daughter being 'pulled up'....

Creamsoda77 · 18/09/2021 17:43

@warmeduppizza

She should ask, it’s basic courtesy. Still better than what my DSS does, though. He wanted to cook something that involved diced onions, so I pointed him towards the onions. He then proceeded to stamp his feet until DH drove him into town to buy him a bag of diced onions ‘because he doesn’t like chopping them’ Hmm He is 21.
Now that is another level ! Im sorry neither myself or my dh would drive them to get a bag of diced onions
Creamsoda77 · 18/09/2021 17:43

@Thadhiya

Anyone of adult age who screamed and threw things in my house wouldn't live there much longer.

It's perfectly normal to buy ingredients for a meal and then check, before you chop them, if it's for anything, and to ask people to use alternatives.

After that outburst I'd be suggesting she find a houseshare.

How is she meant to afford a houseshare at college?
BBOA · 18/09/2021 17:45

Just ask if she’s making it for everyone surely? If not she’s being selfish. Outburst not cool though.

CurlyWurly321 · 18/09/2021 17:45

@Creamsoda77

I also think you as the parent here have an issue too, to get so wound up over some ginger .
What OP did you read? It can't have been the one on here? She didn't get wound up over ginger, she had a very reasonable conversation with her daughter about it, followed by a suggestion that they share it. The OP started in the first line that she was miffed with the way her daughter treated her generally.

So it must not have been the OP you read.

Perhaps you're on the wrong thread?