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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend of 3 years not divorced after 15 yrs separation

120 replies

Whatthedoozy · 18/09/2021 11:23

So i got with my BF 3 years ago now, we get on really well, have a similar sense of humour, enjoy travelling together etc.
We dont live together yet cos hes got kids and i have kids but we have been talking about buying a house together as we both have a fair bit of equity in our current homes.
Anyway, 18 months after we got together i found out he was still married to his wife who he had split up from 12 years ago (he hasnt really had any serious relationship since then) he had never told me about this and i had assumed that it was done and dusted. He said he had forgot he was married, isnt something he thinks about and doesnt see himself as a married man....
Obviously i wasnt happy and felt like i had been conned and lied to. He said he would sort it out and start divorce proceedings.
I let it drop as hes not the most emotionally available man and knew i would just start an argument if i asked again and again. Fast forward a year, its still on my mind and i ask if hes divorced yet...no, he isnt. He forgot all about it but will get it sorted.
He starts talking about buying a house to rent out jointly, we look at some but dont go through with it. Another 6 months go by and i ask again...at first he tells me that he started the process the last time i asked and it takes time for the papers to be sent out and signatures to be added, he changes tge subject quickly as he doesnt wanna talk about it.
I cant let it drop...a week later i ask again, when did he apply, what stage is he at, whats he done so far. Then he said he applied last week? Then says it was 2 weeks ago. I think its pretty clear hes lying to me.
Thing is cos i have had to ask i feel like i dont want him to do it anymore. He wants to stay married or he would have sorted it out. I feel like i have been strung along for 3 years with no hope of a future or anything that i want in life. Whenever i have brought the future and what he wants so we can see if we are on the same page he simply says "we love each other, things will happen naturally"
I feel really put out by this, i feel he wants me around but on his terms, no marriage, no living together and to me that isnt a future.

Aibu for feeling like i wanna end this cos i have had to mention multiple times about a divorce and now i feel like if he does do it and proposes etc its not cos he wants to, its cos i have forced the matter.

Help!!

OP posts:
forinborin · 18/09/2021 11:27

Don't buy anything with him if he is not divorced.

CornishTiger · 18/09/2021 11:27

Christ if he can’t he bothered to get divorced and “forgets” he’s still married don’t buy a house with him!

Ozberry · 18/09/2021 11:28

YANBU. Don’t get into financial agreements with him until this is sorted, as legally his wife would have a claim. Have you pointed out that if anything happened to him, his assets would go to his wife?
It should be a simple admin job after this length of time. She doesn’t even need to consent.

CornishTiger · 18/09/2021 11:28

He’s foolish, lazy and a liar. I’m sure you can do better.

PotteringAlong · 18/09/2021 11:29

I hope he has a cast iron will because you are knackered if he dies without one and he’s married to another woman…

mintdream · 18/09/2021 11:30

Don’t buy a property or go into any other kind of joint finances together. Sounds like he’s happy with the status quo and you don’t feature in his future unless you are happy with it too.

Maybe his wife still has a claim on his property and he’s worried about losing it but that’s not your problem. I’d move on.

Original poster
Whatthedoozy · 18/09/2021 11:30

Thats the last thing i am going to do! I domt know what his game is here, like giving me a crumb of it being serious but its not really.
He told me all the financial bits with his wife were sorted out...but when pressed about paperwork he said he needs to sit down and discuss with her cos she might want some of his pension 🤔 that doesnt sound to me like the financials are sorted at all 🧐

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 18/09/2021 11:32

The married not married are the absolute worst clients to deal with when someone dies. Legal nightmare.

Original poster
Whatthedoozy · 18/09/2021 11:35

He also says he doesnt have a will....of course i have pointed out how dying intestate works and he has still done nothing about it.

Im not happy with the status quo at all....think i have been hanging on to see if it was more about timing but i think i have finally woken up and smelt the coffee....

He is the loveliest man i have ever been with but i cant deal with this shit. If it was the other way round i would have mentioned still being married...its kind of important and i would have sought a divorce as quickly as possible. I dont know why hes foing this...he wont tell me, he just shuts me down

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 18/09/2021 11:39

If there are no kids if he dies she gets everything makes no odds if they are separated. On no account enter into any financial arrangement with him.

itsgrand · 18/09/2021 11:39

you are definitely NOT the unreasonable one here. I wouldn't even ask him about it again. But if he mentions buying property or doing anything joint financially let him know you aren't getting it anything financial with him when he is a married man to another woman.

Redgeraniums · 18/09/2021 11:42

I mean doesn’t he care about his kids!? If he dies sans will she gets everything, I mean she could be lovely, or she could fuck off and marry Reg the butcher she’s known for a month, then die and Reg gets all his money! Madness

HarrisonStickle · 18/09/2021 11:43

My ex husband was still married when I met him, they'd done a Separation Agreement 5 years after they split, and when I met him it was 10 years post split.

It was a huge red flag that I ignored. It showed him to be a really weak, passive person. He did get divorced and we married but I was the one driving it, he just "went along with it", as he turned out to do with many other things.

Ask yourself if you really want a longterm relationship with this man. He's married to someone else, isn't bothered about changing that, and fobs you off every time you ask. Indolent liar is spot on. I'd suggest you ask him about a will, but he'd probably lie about that, too.

notanothertakeaway · 18/09/2021 11:44

He clearly doesn't want to pursue divorce. There could be several reasons for that

You can't, and shouldn't, pressure him to start divorce proceedings. But you can control how you respond to the fact he is not divorced

RubyGoat · 18/09/2021 11:44

If getting divorced was important to him, he'd have sorted it by now.
If you were important to him, he'd be willing to discuss things, rather than shutting you down.
Instead he's burying his head in the sand, or he still loves his XW.
Either way it doesn't sound hopeful.
What do you want to do?

IvySneezes · 18/09/2021 11:44

This isn’t a red flag. It’s a red banner flown behind a red plane during a bright red sunset.

EspressoDoubleShot · 18/09/2021 11:45

He’s still married do not buy a home or share finances, it’s potentially really fraught
If he can’t be arsed getting divorced after 12yr he really shouldn’t be attempting to cohabitate and buy property with you

Original poster
Whatthedoozy · 18/09/2021 11:45

Yeah hes got kids, 3 with her and 1 that has a different mum 🤯

His wife has been in another relationship for 10 years and is engaged 🤔

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatthedoozy · 18/09/2021 11:46

@IvySneezes

This isn’t a red flag. It’s a red banner flown behind a red plane during a bright red sunset.
😂😂 im laughing cos you couldnt be any more right!!!

What the fucking fuck am i doing??

OP posts:
EspressoDoubleShot · 18/09/2021 11:47

He’s not the loveliest man he is an emotional sloth who is stringing you along

Redgeraniums · 18/09/2021 11:47

So the kid with a different mum would see none of the money!
Wow. It’s all so odd. She’s engaged! Doesn’t she want to get remarried.

YouJustDoYou · 18/09/2021 11:49

Is that what he told you op 're his wife "Being engaged to someone else"? Sniff sniff.....Jesus, can everyone else not smell the stink of bullshit that's emanating from this guy?

Op....he's not going to commit to you. If he's not cheating on his wife/if she honestly knows about you/is engaged....I'd either cut your loses now before you get trapped deeper in, or put up with a half life of bullshit with this guy.

HarrisonStickle · 18/09/2021 11:49

He isn't a lovely man if he's still married, lies about starting proceedings, hasn't got a will and shuts you down whenever you ask.

🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩

Redgeraniums · 18/09/2021 11:50

I don’t think not being divorced is a red flag in and of its self. Lots of people don’t do it straight away and then only get round to it when they meet someone else. My dad for example.
But it’s the issues thereafter and his lack of a will

Original poster
Whatthedoozy · 18/09/2021 11:51

@LegoCaltrops

If getting divorced was important to him, he'd have sorted it by now. If you were important to him, he'd be willing to discuss things, rather than shutting you down. Instead he's burying his head in the sand, or he still loves his XW. Either way it doesn't sound hopeful. What do you want to do?
This is how i feel now....if i was important he would have done it, if he wanted a future with me he would have moved heaven and earth to make sure it was a possibility. Hes done nothing but yet he expects me to be ok with it.... I want to get married, live together with someone, have a happy stable future where i know where i stand. I have never had that and i am 37 now 😬 I feel like i have wasted 3 years of my life here....
OP posts:
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