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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend of 3 years not divorced after 15 yrs separation

120 replies

Whatthedoozy · 18/09/2021 11:23

So i got with my BF 3 years ago now, we get on really well, have a similar sense of humour, enjoy travelling together etc.
We dont live together yet cos hes got kids and i have kids but we have been talking about buying a house together as we both have a fair bit of equity in our current homes.
Anyway, 18 months after we got together i found out he was still married to his wife who he had split up from 12 years ago (he hasnt really had any serious relationship since then) he had never told me about this and i had assumed that it was done and dusted. He said he had forgot he was married, isnt something he thinks about and doesnt see himself as a married man....
Obviously i wasnt happy and felt like i had been conned and lied to. He said he would sort it out and start divorce proceedings.
I let it drop as hes not the most emotionally available man and knew i would just start an argument if i asked again and again. Fast forward a year, its still on my mind and i ask if hes divorced yet...no, he isnt. He forgot all about it but will get it sorted.
He starts talking about buying a house to rent out jointly, we look at some but dont go through with it. Another 6 months go by and i ask again...at first he tells me that he started the process the last time i asked and it takes time for the papers to be sent out and signatures to be added, he changes tge subject quickly as he doesnt wanna talk about it.
I cant let it drop...a week later i ask again, when did he apply, what stage is he at, whats he done so far. Then he said he applied last week? Then says it was 2 weeks ago. I think its pretty clear hes lying to me.
Thing is cos i have had to ask i feel like i dont want him to do it anymore. He wants to stay married or he would have sorted it out. I feel like i have been strung along for 3 years with no hope of a future or anything that i want in life. Whenever i have brought the future and what he wants so we can see if we are on the same page he simply says "we love each other, things will happen naturally"
I feel really put out by this, i feel he wants me around but on his terms, no marriage, no living together and to me that isnt a future.

Aibu for feeling like i wanna end this cos i have had to mention multiple times about a divorce and now i feel like if he does do it and proposes etc its not cos he wants to, its cos i have forced the matter.

Help!!

OP posts:
Whatthedoozy · 18/09/2021 12:20

@grapewine

What the fucking fuck am i doing??

This is the question you need to repeat to yourself and then get the hell away from this man and find someone who wants you enough to actually get divorced from his wife.

Demand more for yourself and your life.

I generally do! I dont know how hes snuck through the boundary net. My head has well and truly been in the sand
OP posts:
NewlyGranny · 18/09/2021 12:20

How can his wife be engaged if she's still married to him? And what is this ordure about "things will hapen naturally" as if divorces sort of matured on a tree in the garden until you were ready to go and pick them?

Don't buy or rent with him. He's using his wife to keep himself unavailable to you on so many levels!

DollyDinkle · 18/09/2021 12:21

Sounds like he's still married and living with her. I bet he has two lives

GiantHaystacks2021 · 18/09/2021 12:22

Yeah, bin this loser.

theseoldbone · 18/09/2021 12:26

He's keeping something from you. My bet is the house is tied up in the marriage and she's entitled to money upon sale or something.

Ikeptgoing · 18/09/2021 12:29

Aha OP
You don't live with him. You have DCs
He's not even staying with you right now
He's away. So Ending your relationship will be easy

A WhatsApp message
"We're over. Mightily fed up of all the dishonesty about your divorce. I just don't care anymore. Please don't contact me again"

Drop his stuff through his letter box if for eg he left a tooth brush at yours

Why would you wait til he returns to talk with him, he can't be bothered to be honest with you

Now get on that dating site ... you can find yourself some lovely dates to distract you; arrange some nights out with the girls for your weekends off fit the next few months. Start a new hobby. Fill your time so you don't miss him. Plan super stuff with your DCs.

He wasn't what he claimed to be. You should never accept being anyone's default option

daviesbrownsmithgreen · 18/09/2021 12:31

When you're blinded by love it can take a long time to realise you've been taken for an utter mug, don't think of it as 3 years wasted see it as your biggest life lesson learned.

Please leave this man, there are plenty of other men that will have a similar sense of humour, want to go travelling etc. that will be divorced from their ex wives!

He either doesn't give a shit about you, is still in love with his ex wife, or is utterly stupid. Either of those options would be a deal-breaker for me.

Don't walk- run!!!!

daviesbrownsmithgreen · 18/09/2021 12:32

I agree, if he's away working for a while just do it over WhatsApp or a phone call. Don't drag it out. It'll be easier to get over him whilst he's hundreds of miles away.

Rainyday4321 · 18/09/2021 12:43

Yes it’s a totally appropriate conversation to have via WhatsApp cos it’s not a conversation. It’s giving him some information which he can chose or not to act upon.

The ball is then in his court.

There’s really no conversation worth having beyond the 2 sentences until he comes up with some action.

Lottapianos · 18/09/2021 12:43

Run like the wind OP. You can do so much better than this. He's lying to you and stringing you along

Dixiechickonhols · 18/09/2021 12:46

You’d be better leaving him but if you do stay together make sure you don’t act to your financial detriment. I’ve heard people say they are technically still married you either are or aren’t married legally.
As a trainee solicitor I remember a woman coming in to office. A man in his 40s had been killed at work - made local paper. She was his wife - married young never divorced everyone thought they were and he’d lived and had family with another woman for 20 years. She inherited lot as his wife including big death in service payment. Man could have taken steps to avoid this eg will, nominating girlfriend to be beneficiary of pension etc but sort of man who can’t be bothered sorting divorce is sort of man who doesn’t.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/09/2021 12:50

What the fucking fuck am i doing??

I would love to know that. He's been stringing you along, lying, and you have tolerated this for 3 years. The mind boggles. I sincerely hope you've already told him to fuck off and dumped him.

Whatthedoozy · 18/09/2021 12:54

Folks, i dont want to read and run....i have to go to work for a few hours ( i would call in sick cos my heads up my arse but its ny own business 🙄) so i shall reply soon.

In the meantime please keep the advice coming. The more you say it, the more its hitting home and giving me the balls to do something about this utter shit show

OP posts:
Horst · 18/09/2021 12:57

I have a friend who’s husband is off with his gf and buying a house.

We all have a good chat about it over a glass of wine. The wife has no interest is filing for divorce because financially it makes no sense for her to file right now when his the one building up stacks of more money when they don’t even have any type of separation paperwork sorted so she’s leaving it up to the Ex, whilst keeping her solicitor upto date on everything his doing and buying ready for when/if he does file.

Don’t be that gf op.

lucie8881 · 18/09/2021 13:00

10 years on the divorce would be incredibly easy to sort, no need for a solicitor as everything is sorted in regard to finances and the children (well, should be anyway!). The only upfront cost would be for the petition itself and that should be relatively straight forward as they've been separated so long. I can't see any plausible reason for not divorcing?

lucie8881 · 18/09/2021 13:02

Unless they are still financially enmeshed?

ChargingBuck · 18/09/2021 13:10

I feel really put out by this, i feel he wants me around but on his terms, no marriage, no living together and to me that isnt a future.

You're feeling like this because it's true OP - so no, you are NOT being unreasonable.

Fair enough if your b/f was upfront about his total lack of desire to divorce his ex & buy a house with you. But he's not, is he? - he's future faking, & that's not fair on you.

This would be a deal-breaker for me. Not necessarily because I'd want marriage or to buy a house together - but because deceit, apathy about my feelings, & "emotional unavailability" are horribly unattractive qualities.

Whatever you choose to do, do NOT buy a house with him while he's still married to someone else - it could go tits up for you, legally & financially.

Whatthedoozy · 18/09/2021 18:46

@Ikeptgoing

Aha OP You don't live with him. You have DCs He's not even staying with you right now He's away. So Ending your relationship will be easy

A WhatsApp message
"We're over. Mightily fed up of all the dishonesty about your divorce. I just don't care anymore. Please don't contact me again"

Drop his stuff through his letter box if for eg he left a tooth brush at yours

Why would you wait til he returns to talk with him, he can't be bothered to be honest with you

Now get on that dating site ... you can find yourself some lovely dates to distract you; arrange some nights out with the girls for your weekends off fit the next few months. Start a new hobby. Fill your time so you don't miss him. Plan super stuff with your DCs.

He wasn't what he claimed to be. You should never accept being anyone's default option

Nope we have no ties, this should be the easiest relationship i will ever have to finish. That stupid side of me says that he doesnt deserve to be dumped while at work, but the strong side says who gives a fuck about that? He didnt care about me enough to even tell me hes married 😂
OP posts:
Annoyedanddissapointed · 18/09/2021 18:53

He isn't the one one this to blame though. Fiy for some posters

But it's not ok he continuously lied to you!

E11en · 18/09/2021 18:56

Agree with the others! No way can you buy a house with a man who's still married.

ManifestDestinee · 18/09/2021 18:57

No, hes not serious about me is he, its horrible to see that in writing but its setting little lightbulbs off in my head

No, he's not. He said "things will happen naturally" ffs, divorce doesn't just happen naturally without any effort. He sounds like a lazy bastard. What do you see in him?

notanothertakeaway · 18/09/2021 19:38

My aunt and uncle separated years ago, but didn't divorce, to enable each other to inherit, receive widow's pension etc. But this made sense, as they were older when they separated, and neither had any intention of forming a new relationship, and ultimately, they wanted their assets to go to their joint children

If someone wants to move on, I can't see why they would want to stay married

Whatthedoozy · 18/09/2021 20:01

@ManifestDestinee

No, hes not serious about me is he, its horrible to see that in writing but its setting little lightbulbs off in my head

No, he's not. He said "things will happen naturally" ffs, divorce doesn't just happen naturally without any effort. He sounds like a lazy bastard. What do you see in him?

You are absolutely right, nothing happens naturally without any effort. You dont decide to get a certain tyoe of car and it magically pop up on your drive the next morning.

The more i read these the more im
questioning his motives for desperately staying married despite wanting another relationship. Maybe its a control thing over his not ex wife so she cant move on? But at tye end of the day thats only going to impact on his future.

It would have been a benefit to him to get divorced and sort whatever needed sorting as soon as possible, before the house prices jumped massively, before he built more assets, before he had a shitload of money in a pension pot, so he could move on and have a proper relationship...but he didnt. So that was obviously his intention all along.

OP posts:
Polkadotties · 18/09/2021 20:10

OP I work in the pensions industry. The amount of women I’ve had cry down the phone to me who were ‘promised’ by their partners that they would receive pension benefits if he were to pass away is astounding. While still legally married your partners legal spouse is entitled to all sorts of life cover, spousal benefits etc. Even if they were separated for decades.

Whatthedoozy · 18/09/2021 20:18

@Polkadotties

OP I work in the pensions industry. The amount of women I’ve had cry down the phone to me who were ‘promised’ by their partners that they would receive pension benefits if he were to pass away is astounding. While still legally married your partners legal spouse is entitled to all sorts of life cover, spousal benefits etc. Even if they were separated for decades.
Mentioning any of this to him makes me sound a bit like a gold digger so i feel like i cant.

Hes in frequent contact with his pensions advisor and he was asked a few months ago if he wanted to include me on the documents as we had been together a long time and the pensions advisor was seeing it as a serious relationship. BF said no, maybe next time its reviewed. Obviously thats his choice and im not with him for money but there we go, he was given the option and he decided against it

OP posts:
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