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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend of 3 years not divorced after 15 yrs separation

120 replies

Whatthedoozy · 18/09/2021 11:23

So i got with my BF 3 years ago now, we get on really well, have a similar sense of humour, enjoy travelling together etc.
We dont live together yet cos hes got kids and i have kids but we have been talking about buying a house together as we both have a fair bit of equity in our current homes.
Anyway, 18 months after we got together i found out he was still married to his wife who he had split up from 12 years ago (he hasnt really had any serious relationship since then) he had never told me about this and i had assumed that it was done and dusted. He said he had forgot he was married, isnt something he thinks about and doesnt see himself as a married man....
Obviously i wasnt happy and felt like i had been conned and lied to. He said he would sort it out and start divorce proceedings.
I let it drop as hes not the most emotionally available man and knew i would just start an argument if i asked again and again. Fast forward a year, its still on my mind and i ask if hes divorced yet...no, he isnt. He forgot all about it but will get it sorted.
He starts talking about buying a house to rent out jointly, we look at some but dont go through with it. Another 6 months go by and i ask again...at first he tells me that he started the process the last time i asked and it takes time for the papers to be sent out and signatures to be added, he changes tge subject quickly as he doesnt wanna talk about it.
I cant let it drop...a week later i ask again, when did he apply, what stage is he at, whats he done so far. Then he said he applied last week? Then says it was 2 weeks ago. I think its pretty clear hes lying to me.
Thing is cos i have had to ask i feel like i dont want him to do it anymore. He wants to stay married or he would have sorted it out. I feel like i have been strung along for 3 years with no hope of a future or anything that i want in life. Whenever i have brought the future and what he wants so we can see if we are on the same page he simply says "we love each other, things will happen naturally"
I feel really put out by this, i feel he wants me around but on his terms, no marriage, no living together and to me that isnt a future.

Aibu for feeling like i wanna end this cos i have had to mention multiple times about a divorce and now i feel like if he does do it and proposes etc its not cos he wants to, its cos i have forced the matter.

Help!!

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 18/09/2021 20:24

He said he had forgot he was married

He said he had forgot he was married

He said he had forgot he was married

Well good thing he remembered before you bought a fecking house with him!

Whatthedoozy · 18/09/2021 20:25

@DrSbaitso

He said he had forgot he was married

He said he had forgot he was married

He said he had forgot he was married

Well good thing he remembered before you bought a fecking house with him!

😂😂😂 he didnt even remember then! I had to find out myself and ask him!
OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 18/09/2021 20:26

he didnt even remember then! I had to find out myself and ask him!

Oh dear God. Even if he's otherwise amazing (doesn't sound it from your updates), how can you build a life with a man who forgets he's married???

gogohm · 18/09/2021 20:30

I haven't got around to getting divorced, partly laziness on both our parts, ok 4 years AJ not as long but to us it's just paperwork. We are amicable, both bought with new partners. Perhaps I'm unusual but it's not a big deal to us, we'll wait for divorce laws to be changed

Polkadotties · 18/09/2021 20:45

You mentioned buying a house together in your OP. You don’t buy a house with someone who has spousal benefits going to another woman. Gold digger or not.

Dixiechickonhols · 18/09/2021 20:50

gogohm I assume though you’ve protected yourselves as much as possible and bought as joint tenants, made wills, nominated for pension etc.
OP here didn’t even know man still married. Could easily have bought as tenants in common. With no will - he dies his wife inherits half op’s house.

thelonggame · 18/09/2021 20:59

it costs £550 to aply for a divorce online, all very straight forward.

Will cost maybe £1000 to lodge a consent order to seperate finaces legally.

I don't understand why anyone would leave it. I'd run a mile if I were you.

Whatthedoozy · 18/09/2021 21:01

@Dixiechickonhols

gogohm I assume though you’ve protected yourselves as much as possible and bought as joint tenants, made wills, nominated for pension etc. OP here didn’t even know man still married. Could easily have bought as tenants in common. With no will - he dies his wife inherits half op’s house.
This is also whats fucking me off....he didnt tell me he was married, he would have LET me buy a house that i had to share with him and his not ex wife! Hes not a stupid man....he should know from previous experiebce or even a basic google that that is what would happen
OP posts:
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 18/09/2021 21:04

@IvySneezes

This isn’t a red flag. It’s a red banner flown behind a red plane during a bright red sunset.
😂😂😂
Whatthedoozy · 18/09/2021 21:06

@thelonggame

it costs £550 to aply for a divorce online, all very straight forward.

Will cost maybe £1000 to lodge a consent order to seperate finaces legally.

I don't understand why anyone would leave it. I'd run a mile if I were you.

I dont understand why they would leave it either....unless they still wanted to be married 🤔 My gut feeling tells me theres a lot of things hes not telling me. If he "forgot" he was married, what else has he "forgot" to tell me?
OP posts:
WhoIsPepeSilva · 18/09/2021 21:11

@Redgeraniums

No I wouldn’t have this convo by WhatsApp. Just sit him down and say it all and then he’s got the options
I would @Whatthedoozy

It's not like it's the first, second or third time this has come up. I'm pretty sure how crystal clear you have been on your feelings here and he has done nothing but avoid, lie and string you along.

Why would you feel like you owe him anything? Just tell him it's not working for you any more, don't wait 2 weeks to do it.

Love the phrase emotional sloth!

I'm not sure I'd want him even if he did get the divorce now if I was you either.

JustLyra · 18/09/2021 21:14

@HyacynthBucket

Just wondering OP if his wife has someone else and wants to get married to them, why SHE has not divorced him? It seems odd that they are both being so passive about it. Is there some strange game going on between them? For you, this does seem a losing game. He is either totally lazy or uncommitted to you. I hope you move on to someone better.
She probably knows he’s too lazy to bother making any organised provision for his kids if he died so until she is actually getting married her still being married to him is a good protection for them.
JustLyra · 18/09/2021 21:16

He’s lied to you repeatedly and would have put your joint house at risk if you’d not found out.

His lack of will means he’s made no provision for his other child.

What else is he lazy and careless about?

Rainbowqueeen · 18/09/2021 21:18

There’s just as much paperwork involved in buying a house as there is in obtaining a divorce. Based on his track record I can’t see that happening either

Send him a message ending it and get on with your life. The sooner the better. You’re the one losing out here and you have the power to change that

isthismylifenow · 18/09/2021 21:20

As soon as I read your OP, the first thing that came to mind is he isnt divorced as he is using this as a method to not allow his ex to remarry. Why did they seperate? Was there cheating involved?

But then also, someone I know (the husband) isn't signing the divorce papers from his wife. They have a few properties together and she is keeping the profits from the rent as an income. So he says she can keep that money (which is what she and 2 DC live on) as then he doesn't have to pay maintenance, which would be more. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. (for someone upthread who said join a dating app, just hang 5 as this is the type of guy that you find on them)

He can fob you off for only so long, but there is definitely some reason.

And as he works offshore he gets plenty of leave time to get this sort of thing resolved.

JMKid · 18/09/2021 21:23

An ex of mine was married (split up) the whole time we were together. I didnt even know he was married, told me he had never been married. Only after had my DS and we had split up did I find out from his family member about the marriage. Later was contacted by the wife cause he refusing to sign divorce papers and thought I could help.

Willow19C · 18/09/2021 21:23

You do not forget you got married.
Look after yourself here. Huge red flag.
Don't walk, run.

cunningartificer · 18/09/2021 21:24

Hmmm yes, simple. Just explain you don’t want to go out with a married man. If/when he stops being married you might reconsider but it’s just impossible now. But don’t reconsider. Move on. You deserve better than this…

Whatthedoozy · 18/09/2021 21:28

@isthismylifenow

As soon as I read your OP, the first thing that came to mind is he isnt divorced as he is using this as a method to not allow his ex to remarry. Why did they seperate? Was there cheating involved?

But then also, someone I know (the husband) isn't signing the divorce papers from his wife. They have a few properties together and she is keeping the profits from the rent as an income. So he says she can keep that money (which is what she and 2 DC live on) as then he doesn't have to pay maintenance, which would be more. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. (for someone upthread who said join a dating app, just hang 5 as this is the type of guy that you find on them)

He can fob you off for only so long, but there is definitely some reason.

And as he works offshore he gets plenty of leave time to get this sort of thing resolved.

Yes there was cheating involved. He said she cheated on him (and that one sentence was as much as he said, not a word more than that)

There is definitely something going on here that i arent allowed to know 🤔

I only found out he was married cos she had put one of.them silly posts on facebook where you fill in the numer of tattoos/piercings/marriages/divorces/children you have. I didnt even find out in a meaningful way. If she hadnt have wrote that i would still be completely in the dark!

OP posts:
Chickychickydodah · 18/09/2021 21:30

I’m sorry but don’t move on with him. Get rid now 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

JustLyra · 18/09/2021 21:34

I only found out he was married cos she had put one of.them silly posts on facebook where you fill in the numer of tattoos/piercings/marriages/divorces/children you have. I didnt even find out in a meaningful way. If she hadnt have wrote that i would still be completely in the dark!

Hang on - he didn’t even actually tell you?

That’s even worse than hiding it for a while.

Run. Seriously run. Far and fast.

Whatthedoozy · 18/09/2021 21:35

@JustLyra

I only found out he was married cos she had put one of.them silly posts on facebook where you fill in the numer of tattoos/piercings/marriages/divorces/children you have. I didnt even find out in a meaningful way. If she hadnt have wrote that i would still be completely in the dark!

Hang on - he didn’t even actually tell you?

That’s even worse than hiding it for a while.

Run. Seriously run. Far and fast.

Nope he never told me a thing, i found out 18 months in
OP posts:
lazylinguist · 18/09/2021 21:35

This is the real red flag. But it's a red flag not just about him, but ablut what you're willing to put up with! :

let it drop as hes not the most emotionally available man and knew i would just start an argument if i asked again and again

Plus, if he's capable of 'forgetting he's married' to his current wife, what's to stop him 'forgetting' he's with you, when he finds the next gullible woman?

SunshineCake · 18/09/2021 21:36

Help with what?

If he wanted to be divorced he would. We can all guess at the reasons why he wants to stay married.

JustLyra · 18/09/2021 21:36

@Whatthedoozy

He was never going to tell you.

When you discussed buying the house were you buying as joint tenants or tenants in common?

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