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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend of 3 years not divorced after 15 yrs separation

120 replies

Whatthedoozy · 18/09/2021 11:23

So i got with my BF 3 years ago now, we get on really well, have a similar sense of humour, enjoy travelling together etc.
We dont live together yet cos hes got kids and i have kids but we have been talking about buying a house together as we both have a fair bit of equity in our current homes.
Anyway, 18 months after we got together i found out he was still married to his wife who he had split up from 12 years ago (he hasnt really had any serious relationship since then) he had never told me about this and i had assumed that it was done and dusted. He said he had forgot he was married, isnt something he thinks about and doesnt see himself as a married man....
Obviously i wasnt happy and felt like i had been conned and lied to. He said he would sort it out and start divorce proceedings.
I let it drop as hes not the most emotionally available man and knew i would just start an argument if i asked again and again. Fast forward a year, its still on my mind and i ask if hes divorced yet...no, he isnt. He forgot all about it but will get it sorted.
He starts talking about buying a house to rent out jointly, we look at some but dont go through with it. Another 6 months go by and i ask again...at first he tells me that he started the process the last time i asked and it takes time for the papers to be sent out and signatures to be added, he changes tge subject quickly as he doesnt wanna talk about it.
I cant let it drop...a week later i ask again, when did he apply, what stage is he at, whats he done so far. Then he said he applied last week? Then says it was 2 weeks ago. I think its pretty clear hes lying to me.
Thing is cos i have had to ask i feel like i dont want him to do it anymore. He wants to stay married or he would have sorted it out. I feel like i have been strung along for 3 years with no hope of a future or anything that i want in life. Whenever i have brought the future and what he wants so we can see if we are on the same page he simply says "we love each other, things will happen naturally"
I feel really put out by this, i feel he wants me around but on his terms, no marriage, no living together and to me that isnt a future.

Aibu for feeling like i wanna end this cos i have had to mention multiple times about a divorce and now i feel like if he does do it and proposes etc its not cos he wants to, its cos i have forced the matter.

Help!!

OP posts:

lazylinguist · 18/09/2021 21:36

Nope he never told me a thing, i found out 18 months in

Oh fgs - this man is an absolute waste-of-space pisstaker!

isthismylifenow · 18/09/2021 21:38

I will bet my bottom dollar it's to do with her cheating and he not letting her move on.

I would send a message, I know he's at work but for your own sake you won't be having to try to act normal for the next 2 weeks until he gets back.

Original poster

Whatthedoozy · 18/09/2021 21:39

I know, i am horrified with myself. It just goes to show the terrible realtionships i have been in if i think this is acceptable.

This is the only subject we have ever had cross words about. We have never argued about anything else. So the fact he "forgot" to do anything about the only thing we have ever argued about clearly shows he doesnt want to do anything

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatthedoozy · 18/09/2021 21:42

@isthismylifenow

I will bet my bottom dollar it's to do with her cheating and he not letting her move on.

I would send a message, I know he's at work but for your own sake you won't be having to try to act normal for the next 2 weeks until he gets back.

Thats crossed my mind a few times..my dad tried to stop my mum divorcing him and made it as difficult as possible after he cheated and she found out too.

Its hard trying to act normal cos i know im not being normal, everything is very forced and strained from my part,

OP posts:

YouTubeAddict · 18/09/2021 21:42

Are you sure you’re not an ‘accidental mistress’ My older sister had this years ago with a bloke she dated for about five years. I, and our other sister, had our suspicions that he was married but she was having none of it. It all came to a head one day and he was caught out. Hope this isn’t the same for you.

Thehouseofmarvels · 18/09/2021 21:45

@MsTSwift are you a solicitor ? You mentioned the married not married clients are the worst ? I was interested because my fiance's mother and Step father decided to stay married when they split decades ago and own the house that fiances half brother lives in lives in as joint tennants. His stepdad owns another house. Whilst we have never asked about his will we supose he is leaving everything to fiance's mum as they are on good terms. Stepdad has 3 kids who are my partners older sisters and younger brothers. Fiance's mother has a long term partner that is much younger and lives with. She has mentioned getting married but I would have thought after her 90 year old husband has died. She is 77 and her partner 70. Would it be advisable her her to see a solicitor if married unmarried is so often messy?

isthismylifenow · 18/09/2021 21:46

Just as an aside OP, I also dated someone working offshore. I also never wanted to bring up anything confrontational whilst he was at work, as he would always says he was tired and stressed etc etc. Yes perhaps he was, but I found it very difficult to only be able to discuss things on his terms, when he was home. It was always 'I've worked a 12 hr shift, this is not the time to be discussing xyz' . Um I'm a single mother and work full time, a 12 hr shift to me is an easy day 😊.

Some things we just accept as normal until we get a gut feel and start asking questions. I think you are there now seeing that things just aren't quite right.

Original poster

Whatthedoozy · 18/09/2021 21:47

@YouTubeAddict

I know his wife and her boyfriend. I also have a really close relationship with his kids so i think this is unlikely

OP posts:

WhoIsPepeSilva · 18/09/2021 21:52

He's treated you badly and
Its hard trying to act normal cos i know im not being normal, everything is very forced and strained from my part

So you are struggling with it but holding off for the sake of the man who treated you badly, so you don't put him out? Why is he allowed to treat you like this and you still have to be so careful with him?

^ Not meant unkindly in any way @Whatthedoozy just trying to get you to see what is happening here. Take your agency back and talk to him because you are ready, don't hang around wringing your hands waiting for it to be the right time for him.

I'm sure you've got loads to be getting on with too no?

Original poster

Whatthedoozy · 18/09/2021 21:53

@isthismylifenow

Some things we just accept as normal until we get a gut feel and start asking questions. I think you are there now seeing that things just aren't quite right.

You have got that perfectly right....i cant discuss anything while hes at work cos it will stress him out and that bice part of me says its unfair whike hes hundreds of miles away from home and any support (i know i wouldnt like that) But on the other hand i cant discuss anything while hes onshore cos i dont want to make his time home miserable and the tine we have together should be nice and positive.

Basically im stuck with these thoughts whirling around my head constantly, hence why i have turned to the internet to prove to myself that i arent being silly and that it is a real problem

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatthedoozy · 18/09/2021 21:57

@WhoIsPepeSilva

He's treated you badly and Its hard trying to act normal cos i know im not being normal, everything is very forced and strained from my part

^ Not meant unkindly in any way @Whatthedoozy just trying to get you to see what is happening here. Take your agency back and talk to him because you are ready, don't hang around wringing your hands waiting for it to be the right time for him.

I'm sure you've got loads to be getting on with too no?

Its absolutely not taken unkindly in any way, this is the kind of thing i need to be seeing. I dont know why i care so about the feelings and potential emotional upset of someone that doesnt give a shit about my feelings.

You are right, I have lots to be getting on with, gathering up and mending my shitty self confidence and self esteem would be a good start!

OP posts:

Cattitudes · 18/09/2021 22:02

I know his wife and her boyfriend.

Maybe talk to her about it. Do consider though that this is unlikely to be the only thing that he is reluctant to sort out in his life. Sounds as if he just avoids all admin.

TartanJumper · 18/09/2021 22:06

Don't buy a house- legally, if, God forbid, he dies, his wife can have a claim on any assets.

myheartskippedabeat · 18/09/2021 22:09

@CornishTiger

Christ if he can’t he bothered to get divorced and “forgets” he’s still married don’t buy a house with him!

Precisely

WhoIsPepeSilva · 18/09/2021 22:14

@Whatthedoozy I can completely understand, I've been you before not knowing when I should bring things up because any time I did was the wrong time for him.

I spent so so long agonising and overanalysing myself because what ever way I tried to bring up issues I had was wrong whether it was wrong time, place, moment. tone, facial expression - whatever arbitrary reason he could come up with to guilt me into shutting up.

He's using your good nature against you, he knows you're the sort to put him first and he's running with that because he's not a nice man and doesn't care to treat you decently.

It's a really horrible realisation and it takes a while to break so many ingrained habits that are in place to keep you from being able to speak up.

That you can see it is a brilliant start, now get good and angry because it's not ok to treat people like that. You wouldn't treat people like that, I wouldn't and neither would the people on this thread because we are decent human beings who know and care that other people have feelings. He's definitely a twat

FrogFairy · 18/09/2021 22:33

You can’t trust him. He is a liar. Who knows what else he has been dishonest about?

This would be a total deal breaker for me. I would get my daps on and run away like my arse was on fire.

Ikeptgoing · 19/09/2021 10:09

WhatsApp him that the relationships is over

Done

It's really that easy to achieve
You're 37, you don't have time for his shit nor any of this agonising over his personality issues.

Time to start planning lots of lovely dates, time with your friends and things that make you laugh. Hopefully you'll meet an exciting new man along the way that is honest and actually free. Why not start that new life now , today.

Ikeptgoing · 19/09/2021 10:22

Nope we have no ties, this should be the easiest relationship i will ever have to finish...**
That stupid side of me says that he doesnt deserve to be dumped while at work, but the strong side says who gives a fuck about that? He didnt care about me enough to even tell me hes married 😂

This ^^

And the rest that he didn't care about enough to tell you. He was going to let you jointly purchase a house with him knowing his wife would have legal claim to his share, alive or if he died, leaving you and your DCs without a home when you already have a home now alone with your DCs.

He doesn't want you to have any part of his pension allowance if he dies- that only a partner (not DC) s can have.

He lies to you and will continue to lie where he thinks he'll get away with it.

Just get rid of him. It's so simple to send a WhatsApp message or text. Then you can breathe easy.

E11en · 19/09/2021 11:10

Argh these people who just ''shut down'' as soon as you try to raise anything important. It's so hard to deal with. They're lovely so long as you don't raise the issue or threaten their perception of themselves though. But you don't get to bring about a discussion.. no no. You must respect his right to keep you in the dark.

I agree with your intuition that there's something you're not being told.

It may just be as innoccuous as they've agreed not to divorce.

I dated a man like this once years ago and he was happy to date and his wife was in a new relationship but he saw her and his kids as his real family. not a sexual romantic relationship but his FAMILY.

It was confusing as he was definitely ''free'' in a romantic sense but ...........

I walked away when the penny dropped.

NowEvenBetter · 19/09/2021 11:20

Do you want a kid? You only have a couple of years of secure fertility left, should you not be spending that trying to find a single man who hasn’t already bred four people and lies out his arse?
Why not focus on your own life instead of your married boyfriend who thinks you’re a mug?

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