To ask for your secrets you're taking to the grave

[FuckingFabulous]

Lighthearted, and risk free. Given that this is all anonymous and all that.

When I was fourteen, I was out with my friend after drama club. It was winter and dark and fucking freezing but I was sweating as well as shivering. We were walking to her grandma's house in the next village where I was getting picked up by my stepdad in about an hour. I was quite clearly ill, but my mum had not believed me and sent me to a long day at school. As we were walking, my belly churned and I knew that there was gastric trouble afoot. I excused myself into an innocent looking field for "a wee" but I knew it was not that. Thankfully, there were no street lights at all, so even if someone had come past, they'd not have seen. It was pitch black. My friend kept watch while my bowels evacuated what seemed like water and slime for about five minutes and sweat dripped off my body onto the ground, I can remember how much I was shaking and how I had the weirdest taste of metal in my mouth. When the onslaught ended, I didn't know how to wipe my bum. I took off my school tie, wiped with that and then had no idea what to do so I just discarded it at the scene and shamefully scuttled back to my friend. I was then off school for a week with some kind of horrible intestinal infection.

But the field. The quiet little field I'd chosen to slip over the fence into. It was a graveyard. And I'd relieved myself right next to a war grave. Right before armistice. And left my school tie there. How do I know? Because it was in the school newsletter as a "regrettable incident" and anyone with information as to who the culprit was could report in confidence to the headteacher. I expect the groundskeeper reported it to the school. Even my mum tutted about no respect. Thank god it was over 20 years ago. Nowadays it would have trended with a hashtag and a witch hunt.

And now I have finally told the tale. What's yours?

Best friend at school had had her eye on a lad for months. She never shut about him. She finally asked him out to an under age rave This lad made it very clear he liked me and we ended up snogging round the back of the community centre. One very sloppy, washing machine kiss later, I decided he wasn't the one for me.

Spring forward 20 years and bestie and said 'lad' are married with 4 kids. I've never fessed up to my friend and I'm pretty sure her husband hasn't either.

@FelicityBeedle

Oh you poor thing *@RobertaFirmino* You’ve just reminded me of another actually, I had threadworms from age 10ish to 16 because I was too embarrassed to admit it to anybody or buy ovex. This is quite cathartic!

I had threadworms I think about 6 times from age 13 to 17. Luckily I had jobs but I spent a lot on Ovex. Never had them since I moved from home....

I was about 7, and my aunt had a new baby. It was Christmas, and we kids had been given some sticks of rock,. Baby 's cot was in my room, and she was looking at me, with what I interpreted as a pleading expression. I bit off a piece of rock and popped it into her mouth. Well, the baby coughed and choked and turned purple, everyone came running, baby was turned upside down and back whacked. Someone called the ambulance. Baby recovered. The offending piece of rock never appeared. I never confessed,

Im going back a few years but my ex beat me up and walked out on us (me,two kids)
He made my life hell-refused to pay for his kids,would hound/stalk me,tell lies,would bang on my door in the middle of the night to wake/frighten the kids,he dragged me though the courts for access to the kids just to get to me before just not bothering to show up-id have go back to court to stop access and he’d start up the fight again and was just an abusive arsehole all round
I knew he was working and claiming so I got my dad to grass him up to the jobcentre
Nothing happened so I waited
About a year later I heard he was flogging illegal tobacco under his market stall and was a low grade drug dealer
I left it about 6 months so I knew word would get round (he had a big gob) and reported him to crimestoppers-by this time he was dealing in funny money too
The police set up a sting and a long story short,he ended up with a 7 year stretch
Like the judge said ‘you lie with dogs-you’ll catch fleas’
He will never know it was me who grassed him up-and it’s something I’ll take to the grave-nobody including the bloke I’m with,will never know
I have zero regrets

@thelegohooverer

That reminds me I haven’t put a name tag on ds’ school tie yet ….but maybe it would be wiser not to

😂😂😂

@Thisbastardcomputer

I reported a family member to HMRC and eventually they got fined £60k

I know someone this happened to with their business (big HMRC fine and had to shut shop). They’re a horrible person and I can’t bear then, I hope this was you @Thisbastardcomputer

@RobertaFirmino

As a student, I had a kind and generous Chinese housemate who loved to cook his mother's recipes for us all. One day, I went to the loo and was stunned to find out I had worms! Ovex didn't seem to work so I went to the GP and had to give a stool sample. In the meantime, I had gone through the embarrassment of telling my housemates I had worms and together, we scrubbed and disinfected the whole house from top to bottom. It took us all day.

A few days later, I went back to the GP. He informed me that I didn't have worms at all. I did, however, need to chew my beansprouts more thoroughly. Seeing as how one housemate spilt Domestos down her front, ruining a £50 top (that was a fair whack in 1996) whilst we were scrubbing, I thought it best to keep quiet.

Her fault for wearing a £50 shirt to scrub the floor!

While she was alive my gran introduced me to "uncle Jim" and I later learned he was the fiance whom my mother jilted while he was away fighting in the WWII. My mother ran off with my father who worked on the docks, so he was not sent to war til much later. My gran never forgave her and it caused a family split. Uncle Jim never married or had children. He was wounded in the war and never fully recovered his full health. He died aged only in his late 40s during a virulent flu outbreak in the 1960s. However we developed a relationship and he thought of me as the daughter he never had. In his will he left what was for then a large sum of money for my gran to use at her discretion to help me. She used it to help me attend university, qualify in a profession and set up in my own place. However she asked me never to tell my blood parents "while she was alive" because she knew it would cause animosity. Both my blood parents are now dead. My nana died in 1979 and I have kept my promise to her.

I had a horribly abusive boyfriend in my early 20s, that towards the end turned into an on/off vicious cycle. It took years to recover from, really bad.

I knew it had to finish, but he always made everything my fault and I thought, just once, I want to 'win'.

When we were having a 'good day', I told him all lovey dovey that I had booked an expensive hotel stay with an experience day (a few hours drive away) that was something he'd always wanted to do.

Little did he know, my friend had actually done this hotel/experience with her partner a few years back, and forwarded me the original confirmation email. I edited all the dates and names of the bookings and randomised the booking reference, and sent it to him faux-excited. He's a bit thick with tech so never suspected a thing.

As I fully expected, he orchestrated a huge row, said he was dumping me and taking the girl he'd been cheating on me with on the trip instead (all supposedly paid for in full already by me).

By the time he went I had blocked him on everything so he couldn't rage at me himself, but I was friendly with his sister who told me he was furious that there was no booking, and he was too tight/poor to actually cough up himself so they went home again.

I looked at her in wide eyed confusion and said how strange, I better contact them for a refund to my card.

Never told a soul I set the whole thing up.

@Hugoslavia good for you and empathy for the nasty sister !

@the80sweregreat

I killed a man just to watch him die

Why stop with one?

@JudgeJ

Working a Summer job on the dispatch line for a catalogue company in the mid 60s the management stupidly told us on the Wednesday that they didn't need us after Friday, two weeks before we expected to stop. When the orders came through there were multiple address labels so we mucked up all the orders, eg a retired Colonel on a Scottish island got a load of kinky ladies' undergarments, they must have spent months sorting out the returns.

That is hilarious.

My ex was an absolute wanker, still is I imagine, I once swapped his andrex wipes with domestos wipes 🤣

When I was 11 and began junior school it was co-educational. The boys were supposed to stick to their side of the playground but they never did. One big fat boy called Graham B used to come to where we girls were playing and kick, punch and poke us. His mates stood by and laughed. When I whinged to my parents my father took me out into the yard every night for a week and showed me how to box. At the end of the week I was black and blue about the upper arms but I knew how to throw a good right hook. My father advised me to go straight for the nose when Graham B next tormented me. I did, and broke his nose. The blood went everywhere. An ambulance was called and I was isolated in a classroom. My form teacher Miss P was astonished that such a swatty child had been guilty of violence. She told me that the boys nose was broken and asked;

"Who taught you to hit like that?"

"No one miss, I just lashed out because I was angry." I was not going to admit that I did it deliberately to humiliate him. I explained to the teacher what had been happening and that the boy in question was a bully. I went on to add that I wanted my own back. The teacher told me sadly that two wrongs dont make a right. However to do her credit she asked the other girls in the class, and ten of them made statements.

When the boy's parents tried to make a case out of it they were confronted with the accusation that their son had been assaulting younger, smaller pupils who were girls. He was threatened with expulsion if the matter went further.

I was an academic kid and such children are often picked on and bullied by their peers. I was not one of the popular sporty girls although I did have my own little circle of friends. Whenever anyone tried it on I reminded them that I was the girl who broke Graham B's nose and asked if they wanted some of the same. I was never challenged again.

Had a big poo in the loo then my new DP at the time wanted to use the loo after me. Bloody thing wouldn’t flush away and there was no toilet brush so I broke it up with my hands 😳

No matter how hard i scrubbed my hand I could still smell the poo on it for hours after :(

Ewww that's disgusting!

@Marcee

This happened just the other week.

The post came. One letter was our next door neighbours and had accidentally been delivered to us. Letter from the NHS. No matter I put it on the table to deliver it to them later.

Quick as a flash. My 3 year old grabbed the letter and opened it. It's a vaccine passport.

I'm really annoyed at her and now dont know what to do. I tear up the letter into tiny pieces and chuck it in the bin. Hope they ordered a new one.

Hey, don't sweat it. A similar thing happened to me a couple weeks ago too.

Government letter arrived in our mail addressed to a neighbour, and the envelope was open, so it must have come unglued while in transit.

I was too scared to deliver it to them (not a neighbour I know) as I was worried they would think I had opened their mail. I dropped it off in a postal box, so it would (hopefully) be delivered to the correct address.

So if it ever happens to you again (even if your wee one rips it) just stick it back in the mail. We're always getting crumpled or torn mail, always figured it happened in transit!

When I was at Junior school we had the old toilets in the school yard until I started my last year & during the last year new toilets were built inside the building. I was quite small for my age & one day when I asked to go to the toilet & once I was finished I decided to see if I could slide under the locked door, I got through easily. From then whenever I went to the toilet I did the same thing, slid under the door, I even sneeked in the boys toilets & did the same thing. The staff were going crazy, the caretaker had to be called to unlock the toilet cubicles, some days I was doing it three or four times a day. I never got caught & it kept on getting mentioned in assembly, I must have done it for nearly a whole term.

@PetuniaButterworth

I put the screw in the tuna

I loved that show.

@Nat6999

When I was at Junior school we had the old toilets in the school yard until I started my last year & during the last year new toilets were built inside the building. I was quite small for my age & one day when I asked to go to the toilet & once I was finished I decided to see if I could slide under the locked door, I got through easily. From then whenever I went to the toilet I did the same thing, slid under the door, I even sneeked in the boys toilets & did the same thing. The staff were going crazy, the caretaker had to be called to unlock the toilet cubicles, some days I was doing it three or four times a day. I never got caught & it kept on getting mentioned in assembly, I must have done it for nearly a whole term.

I did the exact same thing! I had completely forgotten that until now! Went on for ages, not sure why I stopped in the end

Said supervisor went to the fridge a few hours later and I watched from my desk as she went all red faced and teary to the manager's office

eh she, an adult, cried over somebody taking her cream egg? Like wtf? This has to be bullshit.

About a year later I heard he was flogging illegal tobacco under his market stall and was a low grade drug dealer
I left it about 6 months so I knew word would get round (he had a big gob) and reported him to crimestoppers-by this time he was dealing in funny money too
The police set up a sting and a long story short,he ended up with a 7 year stretch

7 years for low grade drug dealing and flogging illegal tobacco?? Are you in Peru??

I'm male. When I was a teen I hung around with a guy who was a dick and I found out he'd been making a mockery ''of my inability to pull'' to a girl I like in my year. This guy was a huge twat-think Stifler from American Pie.

I knew he had his eye on a girl he worked with on a Saturday job from our school and was sending her loads of msgs but he had no idea I knew.
One night I rang her house pretending to be him and begged her for a date etc and utterly acted creepy and stalkerish ringing her home house. I even mentioned the text messages he had been sending and what they said and said I can't stop thinking of you etc. I knew about the messages as the girl's brother was in my cousin's year and he told me.

When I rang she was shocked etc and I utterly humiliated him, it was so funny. The next day I was in the canteen with the gang and he gets a text message asking him why did he ring the girl from an unknown number-presumably her boyfriend who was also in our year.

He was all confused and then told a pack of lies saying to the gang ''I don't even know the bitch, never had anything to do with her.'' He was oblivious I knew anything about his feelings towards her or that he'd been texting her. He was trying to save face, haha and I'd utterly humiliated him.

When I was in year 1, there was a book sale at school. The teacher collected everyone’s purses at the beginning of the day. My parents wouldn’t give me any money for it, so at break time I snuck back into the classroom and stole 20p out of a random purse.

It wasn’t enough to buy a book anyway, and I felt so guilty that afternoon that I couldn’t stop crying. I told the teacher I was crying because I had a stomach ache, and got sent home.

I’ve done “worse” things since, but the shame I felt then still haunts me so much that I can’t tell anyone!