Advice on dealing with difficult children

[Wonderingone3]

Please could I ask advice?
I have 3 children. The eldest are lazy-my fault. I have done everything to date. The youngest is 4 and has daily tantrums. I feel out of control and desperate to establish some order. I have been unwell recently and really need their behaviour to improve. My older 2 are late teens and I feel they are critical and entitled. They complain about everything I do but do nothing themselves. The youngest seems to hate me and is regularly destructive, breaks toys, throws food, kicks and smacks me. Dad's contact is on and off, I can't rely on it. Financial worries too, but just about get by.
If anyone has been in this position and found a way for things to improve, or has an outside perspective, I'd be grateful.
Thanks very much.

Whilst my older children are now difficult I have never been physically assaulted by them. I am kicked or punched by my youngest daily and it hurts. I don't know where I went wrong.

It is really dragging me down now. I work full time. The thing that made me ask for help is a friend suggested we all go away at half term. I know that if they saw the kids' behaviour they probably wouldn't even want to be friends. It truly is awful, I can't control them behaving well and I am ashamed of myself and of them.

Poor you OP. I don't have any experience so not sure what to suggest but didn't want to read and run.

I guess it's got to be some sort of system of punishment and rewards?

Do the older two get pocket money and/or phone/computer privileges? Maybe a reward chart for the little one?

Perhaps a chores rota for the older two with rewards for doing them and punishment if they don't? Just simple things like hanging up wet washing or doing the washing up.

Massive sympathy, it must be tough.

Can't help with the older teens, sorry.
but maybe have a look at the book (disregarding some of the americanisms) 1-2-3 Magic.
It's great for starting from scartch and setting new expectations; for everyone in the family, not just the kids. It worked really well for my two around that age and for a few years after. I've passed it on to mates who have also said it was simple to use and helpful.

My 2 youngest, 14 and 10, try to be lazy, but I just don't do anything for them that I know they can do themselves. DS3 has ADHD and hits and kicks if he's angry, but I don't discipline him. When he's doing it it just makes him more angry, and I know he doesn't mean it, and he's very remorseful and in tears, so there's no point afterwards. We're working on him expressing his anger in different ways.

It's truly awful. I look at other families and wonder what I've done. The elder 2 want nothing to do with the youngest. They stay upstairs and I am doing all their washing and cooking whilst trying to care for the youngest on my own.
I know that I need to set up boundaries but don't know where to start.
I am so worn down that I just try to survive to be honest. Everytime I have a bit of spare money there's something one of them wants. I have no makeup or nice clothes. I never go out. I don't have hobbies. It is just a cycle of work, clean, school run, pay out for the next thing and repeat. I am so unhappy.

Oh, what I can say about older teens is that mine ( and I know it could just be luck!) are absolutly good as gold these day. They have there moments, but I honestly think setting those expectations out clearly early on means that as a rule they are helpful and considerate etc.

Thank you I may try 123 magic I heard good things about that before.
Yes I may try also just not doing it.
I am going to buy wash baskets for them in their rooms and ask them to do their own. They throw towels and jeans in after 1 use, expect clean pyjamas daily. It's just constant.
Cooking the same. Last night was just chicken and rice and the eldest moaned saying there wasn't enough different foods. I had run out of salad was all.
Re ADHD he is very upset afterwards and says he is just so angry. He is highly full on and needs constant activity. I have never known a child like him. Even after running around, park, swimming he is still bored and needing physical activity.

1. it doesn't matter what the eldest want, they can't have it.
2. If they enjoy phones/the internet, that will be cut off unless they start contributing to the household - tidying up, putting the washing machine on. Ignore any verbal complaining.
3. The youngest must be disciplined. Watch a few episodes of Supernanny. Kid is naughty, kid goes on step. Kid gets put back on step. Don't talk or engage. React to every transgression - every hit, every kick. Put toys in safe, plastic boxes to prevent from breakage. They can earn one back. It is taken again if they hit, kick, break.

It's cute at 3. It's a criminal offence by 10 and it needs nipping in the bud, before he ends up as bad as your eldest.

It's tough but you've recognised the issue, now it's time to put it into practise.

They are all delightful in school which is great but also frustrating

This is a awful time for you but you can see things must change.The 2 eldest who are late teens need a wake up call start with doing nothing for them,they are old enough to clean their rooms sort out their own washing ,cook and take responsibility from now on.Don’t put up with it.The youngest may improve when the eldest 2 do,he is seeing their awful ways.Try a star chart,stay strong and good luck.

@Wonderingone3

It's truly awful. I look at other families and wonder what I've done. The elder 2 want nothing to do with the youngest. They stay upstairs and I am doing all their washing and cooking whilst trying to care for the youngest on my own. I know that I need to set up boundaries but don't know where to start. I am so worn down that I just try to survive to be honest. Everytime I have a bit of spare money there's something one of them wants. I have no makeup or nice clothes. I never go out. I don't have hobbies. It is just a cycle of work, clean, school run, pay out for the next thing and repeat. I am so unhappy.

Start by saying no to paying out. They must earn what they want by doing stuff around the house. Stop being their skivvy

Thank you I know it's time to do something about it.
You're right about internet as something I can control that is true.
Last night I attempted to tell them and was obviously cross. The eldest started crying and saying I don't know how hard it is for him he is lonely and has exams etc. I felt sorry for him at first but then thought what a manipulative response it was with hindsight

Oh honey, sorry cross post.... didn't mean mine to be a dig.
You can turn this around!
I wouldnt expect older teens to be too interested in a little one - they've got theor own thin going on.

Start with giving yourself a break, trying to keep everyone happy is exhausting.

Yeah they get spending money I can't afford to give for doing fuck all tbh. That can stop for a start. Particularly when I need new shoes.
I am definitely a skivvy yes.
I think the youngest reacts to their indifference to him (I have to pay them to play with him). It must be horrible

I 2nd chores/pocket money for the teens - everyone has to help out!

The youngest doesn't even sleep by himself but wants me all night.

I'm so sorry @Wonderingone3 That sounds really difficult.

What would be the first change you would like to make? What one thing would be the stepping stone to starting to make things a little easier and also setting out the expectations that you have.

At 4, your son is old enough to understand instructions. Your teens are old enough to understand context.

Do you all have dinner together of an evening? Once you've eaten you Could sit down with them after and explain that there are somethings that you haven't been happy with and as a family you all need to pull your socks up. Be honest with them and equally encourage them to be honest with you. You're the parent so they're not going to like everything you do but there might be something that you could change that would make them be more onboard.

For me, the steps needed are well before the behaviour. Look at the set up. Is that right and how you want it? If not, speak to them about what the new normal will be and take it from there. If that means you all eat dinner together then that's that. How would that work? who lays the table etc? Does someone put the washing on whilst the dinner is cooking? Who makes mum a cup of tea when she gets home?

All of these things need to be taught and expectations set out. They're not psychic and you're exhausted. Tell them and remind them. You need to be a team and they need to see you that way. Even a 4 year old has things that they can do.

My 4yo knows that it's his job to set the table for dinner. I have to remind him every day 😂. But he does know. And he does do it. Sometimes with more enthusiasm than others. But it's his job. And if that means dinner is ready and we're still waiting for him to do it then we wait. I don't have teens yet but at a young age the kids know that I mean what I say. I don't intend to ever deviate from that

You've got this Op. Pick one small thing. Work from there x

Hi no we don't eat together. Eldest eats by themself. Middle takes theirs to their bedroom. Youngest eats in the living room. I don't bother and get something later. None of them want to be with me or together. I don't even think the youngest would know how to sit and eat at the table and stay there. Another reason why we can't go on holiday with friends as eating out would be shameful.

Family meeting may work thank you. And a chart on what may work. And a highly strict routine where they all know when to do stuff. I want to not have the mental load of the older 2's homework and school uniform, and to be able to concentrate on the youngest more.

Late teens?

School? uni? Work?

One GCSE yr one A levels Marni

Family meetings etc? Absolutely not. That is not for families like this. This is the result of many years of lax parenting (and I think you’ll agree op).

Op - you need professional support. Have you thought about going to a parenting support charity? Look in to Fegans

I disagree about being lax. Rather, I have been very supportive with their schooling, I have encouraged their extra curricular activities. I have raised them on my own and worked full time since their dad left. I have provided them with a comfortable home. I take them where they need to be and when.
I just struggle to manage when in the home, getting them to socialise together. They won't 'do' anything without being asked, and I am too tired to keep asking. I feel the weight of having older ones, an emotional weight, as well as the physical strain of a younger one.
They are educationally advanced. Just shit at home.

* The elder 2 want nothing to do with the youngest. They stay upstairs and I am doing all their washing and cooking whilst trying to care for the youngest on my own.*

You never eat as a family. In fact everyone eats alone.

Critical, disrespectful, violent, rude, solitary.

Op - it sounds a very very unhappy home.

I think you need professional support with this. These children aren’t young children (aside from youngest, who isn’t a toddler!). It’s an entrenched situation that will require a rocket to change it