@Wonderingone3
It's truly awful. I look at other families and wonder what I've done. The elder 2 want nothing to do with the youngest. They stay upstairs and I am doing all their washing and cooking whilst trying to care for the youngest on my own.
I know that I need to set up boundaries but don't know where to start.
I am so worn down that I just try to survive to be honest. Everytime I have a bit of spare money there's something one of them wants. I have no makeup or nice clothes. I never go out. I don't have hobbies. It is just a cycle of work, clean, school run, pay out for the next thing and repeat. I am so unhappy.
Have been here.
You have done everything for them, because you love them, because you are a mum. Very likely also because you feel some guilt at being a single parent and try to make it up to them.
With the kindest intention, you need to work on yourself before you work on them. Put your oxygen mask on!
Bit by bit, shift the balance of power. They have it all right now.
You do this by being selfish.
Start by looking after yourself. Enjoy a bath, dye your hair, do your eyebrows, tidy your bedroom - whatever you have neglected but makes YOU feel better.
GO OUT. Go for a coffee, for a walk in the park. Start reconnecting with friends and family - you don't have to tell them anything about the kids. In fact even better that you don't talk about them, focus on something lighter.
When you feel a bit of control over life outside the kids, you gradually can start to take more control over them. It will get easier to stop being hurt by their behaviour.
Start to say no to some of their requests. Resist their attempts to manipulate you and make you argue - just say no, - e.g.
"No I can't afford that".
"No I'm not buying that."
Repeat the same response, calmly, without justifying yourself.
Stick to your guns and they will see a change in you and learn to accept it.
Start giving out tasks. I recommend you don't tie it in with rewards because frankly, you need them to be at a position where they do something because you say so. Don't say please, either! Say "I want you to..."
Older ones can - put away washing up, hoover, make sandwiches, sort their laundry, change their bed (to be honest the younger one probably could do all that too!) Start with something that impacts them directly -
such as laundry.
"I want you to strip your bed by lunchtime so I can wash the sheets."
If they don't do it, don't comment but their bed DOESN'T get changed -certainly not by you. Remind them once - "I'm putting the washing on in 30 minutes guys". If they do it, say thank you, I appreciate that.
Continue to gradually insert tasks and develop them. Do they know how to make a bed? It's not rocket science, but some really struggle so you can show them what works for you.
Remember it's taken a long time to get where you are now, so don't expect miracles overnight. But it can definitely get a whole lot better.
Start by buying yourself some flowers tomorrow!