Advice on dealing with difficult children

[Wonderingone3]

Please could I ask advice?
I have 3 children. The eldest are lazy-my fault. I have done everything to date. The youngest is 4 and has daily tantrums. I feel out of control and desperate to establish some order. I have been unwell recently and really need their behaviour to improve. My older 2 are late teens and I feel they are critical and entitled. They complain about everything I do but do nothing themselves. The youngest seems to hate me and is regularly destructive, breaks toys, throws food, kicks and smacks me. Dad's contact is on and off, I can't rely on it. Financial worries too, but just about get by.
If anyone has been in this position and found a way for things to improve, or has an outside perspective, I'd be grateful.
Thanks very much.

Fantasic update !

It's cute at 3. It's a criminal offence by 10
^^

@Rannva

This is brilliant.

Great job, wondering 👍👏

Thank you. I will keep posting.
My youngest is asleep in bed and the elder 2 are packing school bags. The eldest commented on how nice it was to sit together at the table.
They have helped without moaning when asked.
I have explained about having to budget and one did say I should get myself something next time we buy clothes.
The youngest is worse when tired, I think an earlier bedtime routine may help. But it has always been only at me.
Thanks for the comments, I haven't had time much to read them and reply but I am appreciative of them.

@Wonderingone3

Thank you. I will keep posting. My youngest is asleep in bed and the elder 2 are packing school bags. The eldest commented on how nice it was to sit together at the table. They have helped without moaning when asked. I have explained about having to budget and one did say I should get myself something next time we buy clothes. The youngest is worse when tired, I think an earlier bedtime routine may help. But it has always been only at me. Thanks for the comments, I haven't had time much to read them and reply but I am appreciative of them.

This is a great update! Well done to you and great feedback from your kids too! 🥰. This will soon become second nature and I'm totally with you on the youngest being hard work when they're tired towards the end of the day. I've had my 4yo sobbing at bedtime tonight as he was exhausted. Far too much cake and sweets as it was his sisters party! Still he's fast asleep now- next to me but hey Ho!. 👍.

My kids are only little but I talk to them about things that need doing the next day or that day when we're at the table. We talk about our day and then the things we need to do that night (load dishwasher, brush teeth, bath/shower, watch a bit of tv etc). And also the next day - shopping as need some cheese, blah blah blah. It's all but mundane but turning very useful as now They'll shout "mummy don't forget to buy ham" on their way to school 😂

Thank you. I'm also seeking some support from the youngest's school. He is clearly trying to communicate something to me. I want to work out what it is.
The oldest have surprised me and I have praised them.

You’re doing an amazing job

That's great news OP. What about a family walk?

Wonder it's so fantastic to see someone seek help, be honest about where they think it's gone wrong and be calm and accepting of comments and take them on board graciously.

I've only just come to this thread but I was going to suggest the behaviour may come from lack of family connection and actually the kids do want to be encouraged - because I saw another family go through it.

I really hope it gives you confidence to go away at half term as sounds like you need it and can now do it together as a combined family unit who can show care to each other.

Sometimes it is all it takes - a teen to know you want them to join you for dinner rather than don't care if they eat alone in their room.

I think you need to flip things round and have some fun with them. They need their Mum and are still kids. Is there any way you could do something just with one child, even once a month? Eg baking, go to coffee shop, do hobby together, watch a favourite movie. If you work on your relationship I think everything else will slot into place.

Also. I think it's time that they took responsibility for their own schoolwork rooms etc. I haven't been sorting out any homework school bags etc since they went to secondary school.

Maybe controversial but I think it’s no bad thing if your kids are a tiny bit scared of you and genuinely fear your displeasure. I was with my parents our kids are with us.

They have never talked back to us or been rude - we just wouldn’t accept it since they were tiny. No “she’s tired” excuses etc. I think some particularly mums confuse that with being mean and are utterly soft and loving. You might get away with that if you have extremely easy going kind kids but most aren’t I see even otherwise nice teens treat their parents like utter shit. It’s sad to see.

Am not a professional and know nothing about sen this from observing about 10 families locally we are friendly with from baby to teen. All the teens great to other adults but the way some of them talk to their lovely parents is frankly bloody awful. Be firm with your little ones before the rot sets in.

Last night I made youngest eat the minute he was home-at the table- and sat with him as he did so. He went to bed and fell asleep by himself, I was outside on the landing doing some jobs but still close.
I dished up for the teens and was tempted to go into the lounge but sat with them and heard allsorts about their PHSE classes at school around consent and relationships, and they openly discussed their thoughts. Even shared a few jokes.
I do already make one day a month just me and one of them, e.g shopping or doing something they like. But am feeling more connected to them all already.
It's really tiring and requires dedication but overall I would say to someone who is struggling that the effort is worth it.
I thanked them for their efforts They are managing homework themselves.
I may brave the holiday and if it's awful it's awful. I struggle with close friendships and so maybe it's about being vulnerable and letting people in. The kids may enjoy it.
As a child I had a huge extended family and lovely Xmases etc, but mine haven't had that, just me which I feel awful for. I think they have been lonely at times and I have been emotionally absent due to having to survive, feed them etc. It may do us all good. I suppose some of it is about trusting them to behave as well-it shows I am trusting them if I go.

So no disjointed mealtimes/separate rooms since first post, youngest has slept in own bed every night since then after a bedtime story and bath, they are helping with tasks if I ask them.
I will try to keep going and update accordingly.

This is wonderful!! Well done @Wonderingone3 and thank you for the update. Please keep posting, even if you have an off day. This will be a good log to look back on one day and see how well you managed to make changes and im certain lots of parents will take the positives and value the honesty from you too. X

Thank you.

Well a few more days on and the busy school routine meant that we had a night of dinners on knees in the living room-but all together. Back to the table tonight. My youngest has fallen asleep in his own bed every day still though.
My other child is just loading the dishwasher without needing to ask. I have thanked him.

Just to update anyone who was kind enough to reply, things have got a bit easier. We eat and chat at the dinner table each evening, and my youngest has a solid routine and sleeps on their own.
I now need to work on taking some time to care for myself as have been feeling a bit low recently. I straightened my hair yesterday and thought it looked quite nice. I would like to work on my general appearance next. Any ideas? Thanks for your support, I feel much more in control, but it requires energy to keep going so to persevere I think self care is the only way.

Ah thanks for updating op. I'm really glad it's going well. It's amazing how quickly a small difference can take hold and what a big change it can make isn't it?

I'm following with this next step because it's something I'm very poor at. Although I am getting my hair done next Friday.

What would be your ideal result? And what do you think you could maintain longer term? Z

@Wonderingone3

Thank you I may try 123 magic I heard good things about that before. Yes I may try also just not doing it. I am going to buy wash baskets for them in their rooms and ask them to do their own. They throw towels and jeans in after 1 use, expect clean pyjamas daily. It's just constant. Cooking the same. Last night was just chicken and rice and the eldest moaned saying there wasn't enough different foods. I had run out of salad was all. Re ADHD he is very upset afterwards and says he is just so angry. He is highly full on and needs constant activity. I have never known a child like him. Even after running around, park, swimming he is still bored and needing physical activity.

Just stop washing their clothes. They'll learn very quickly. Put the ingredients and a recipe out at supper time and tell them to get busy. Household chores aren't hard, they are just more boring than lazing around. They'll pick it up quickly if there's no alternative. Oh, and change the WiFi code.

Well done you ! I can relate but when I think about 'fixing' my plans never work out for long.
Feel like I'm wearing myself down trying to do so much for them but doesn't make any difference they will complain and argue

How are you getting on @Wonderingone3