AIBU?! Husband told me to kill myself 'in jest'.

[Maddysheep]

Hi.
With the go ahead from my GP, I recently tapered off my antidepressants, that I've been on for a long time.
It's been a struggle and I've been pretty down and depressed while I wait for my moods to sort of regulate themselves.
My husband knows that I've found it difficult,

I was in a pretty dark place last week but I am just trying to ride it out and starting to feel a wee bit better.
Anyhow, this evening hasn't been too fun so far. Kids are all tired from school, they refused to eat dinner, I've got tonnes of actual work and house work to do. Anyway I was feeling pretty overwhelmed and I've muttered that this is all just too much. My husband hearing this, whispers in to my ear 'you should just kill yourself then'.
I'm totally taken aback by his comment.
He says he was joking and doesn't understand why I'm so upset by it.
He knows how hard life has been recently.
Plus it really weirded me out that he whispered it into my ear. We were alone in a room together and he walked over to me and whispered it.
I'm thinking maybe he's feeling burdened by my depression which is understandable but still.
Its made me feel quite sick but he still insists he meant it in jest.
Is it just me that thinks suicide isn't something to joke about?

Please let us know you are safe once you've told him you want space. I don't think this is a good relationship for you to be in.

Wow. I'm the most laid back person and literally don't take offence to anything but that actually sent a shiver down my spine. I don't think I could look at him in the same light ever again.
Hope you're ok.

I hate it when people say awful things, then claim it was a joke, to make you the bad guy for not laughing

It's only a joke when people find it funny

What an arsehole.

I deal with depression and suicidal thoughts and do often joke to myself that I’m going to kill myself, but only to myself and no one else. I do it because it’s a coping mechanism and it snaps me back into reality.

However, in no circumstance would I ever say it to anyone else and CERTAINLY then not say it was a joke and gaslight the shit out of them.

OP, your husband is a dick for saying that to you. I sincerely hope you feel better soon.

OP,

I think you sound very clued in.

Well done for acting on your gut, that was a deeply shocking thing to say.

Taking space is very wise.

Reach out for support.

Keep posting.

I was with you all the way until the final line, "Is it just me that thinks suicide isn't something to joke about?"

Actually, I think it is a subject to joke about. Humour around the subject has got me through some very dark times.

But the key thing is the person who is depressed or suicidal has to find it funny. If not, as is the case here, it's just a sick thing to say. Nobody with half a brain would encourage someone who is depressed to kill themselves, nobody with a quarter of a brain would think it an appropriate time to make a "joke" about it.

I'd like to add that while your distress and revulsion at his comments is a perfectly natural reaction to them (they're disgusting) it may be a sign that perhaps you're not ready to come off the antidepressants. It's certainly something you should discuss with your doctor.

Also - is this a good time to come off them? I can only speak from personal experience but for me, I'm naturally happier in the summer and get more depressed as the darkness and cold draws in. I've had issues coming off antidepressants at this time of year a couple of times. Basically my GP sees me coping well and feeling brighter during May to August, gets me to decrease and stop using them in Sept to Nov, by which time it's cold and dark and I'm at my weakest point, calendar-wise, and my depression is made more severe and I have to go back on the medication again.

I think the reason you are depressed stems from being married to a POS. I believe if you leave him your depression will improve immensely.
Go get some space from him. It was a really evil wicked thing to say to you.

That is very inappropriate.

Is your usually supportive? It can be hard being with someone with depression and this may be a sign he needs some support too.....

So I just told my DP about this and he has seen me in some dark places before with anxiety and he was shocked and said he would never say something like this to me joke or not. Sorry OP but your husband is a nasty piece of work

Horrible. Suicide is never a joking matter. Your h was being an absolute dick.

You say you have loads of house things to do - how much does your h pull his weight? What's he like normally? Could he be making your depression worse?

Just seen your update. He sounds worse and worse. Good luck with asking for some space. Sounds like a good decision. 💐

@Maddysheep I haven't had a chance to read all the replies, so apologies if I'm repeating other comments.

Firstly, it wasn't a great joke, and it seems he didn't really think it through, maybe he thought you'd laugh as you're in a better place? However, it seems he has realised what he said wasn't right (whether it's because you've had to 'make' him realise or not).

Secondly, has he had any support? Your mental health is crucial, but I'm wondering whether he's had somewhere to vent? From experience, sometimes the other person does need support and at times help with their mental health too.

I hope you manage to resolve this, but I think a conversation is important.

[quote Abigail12345654321]@Mumoftwo1990

If exasperated, it would have come out as a thoughtless comment he didn’t bite back in time.

He walked across the room and whispered it in her ear. That isn’t exasperation, is it?[/quote]
Yeah the going out of his way to whisper is very purposeful. I didn't consider this in my original comment, I really don't know what to advise because is it malicious or is he trying to make a dig?.

That is one of the worst thing I've ever heard.

that is the last thing you would say to anyone let alone someone you loved or that had depression .
It's anything but funny.

This isn’t a joke
Get yourself away from him ASAP

And when you tell him you need space, don't let him gaslight you with "it was a joke, I said I was sorry, you're sooooo sensitive, you always over react, you're mental"
He has shown you who he is (maybe not who he always was, but who he is now) - believe him and look after yourself.

He's supposed to love you...

I'm not exaggerating or using hyperbole but I 100% would end my marriage over the suicide comment and the final confirmation would be the fuck off he uttered. I've been married a very long time and dealt with a lot of tough health issues and a lot of the burden has fallen on my hubby's shoulders but he doesn't treat me like that. You deserve so much better

@WomanStanleyWoman

Whisper in his ear ‘I want a divorce’. And tell him you’re not joking.

This.

Fuck, what an awful thing to say, and the way he did it. I'd honestly never feel comfortable with him again. It made me feel a bit sick reading your OP.

I was in a very similar situation when I was very young. Every time I tried to open up to my partner he would suggest that it would be better for everyone if I just killed myself and he convinced me to try it twice. I eventually managed to get out of that horrible relationship and only realized everything afterwards, and my mental health improved almost immediately. In my experience he was not joking, he was gauging your reaction and had 'it's a joke' as a backup because you didn't agree. So sorry you're going through this

Suicide is never a funny or joking matter. Sorry OP, he’s a dick.

Wishing you luck OP,hope your MH will improve soon when you get some space from your H.

As for the comment he said- it’s beyond vile. Nobody speaks to their loved ones such way. If you don’t mean it then don’t say it.
He showed his contempt towards you then tried to backtrack.

Really wishing you all the best 💐