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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU?! Husband told me to kill myself 'in jest'.

126 replies

Maddysheep · 16/09/2021 19:51

Hi.
With the go ahead from my GP, I recently tapered off my antidepressants, that I've been on for a long time.
It's been a struggle and I've been pretty down and depressed while I wait for my moods to sort of regulate themselves.
My husband knows that I've found it difficult,

I was in a pretty dark place last week but I am just trying to ride it out and starting to feel a wee bit better.
Anyhow, this evening hasn't been too fun so far. Kids are all tired from school, they refused to eat dinner, I've got tonnes of actual work and house work to do. Anyway I was feeling pretty overwhelmed and I've muttered that this is all just too much. My husband hearing this, whispers in to my ear 'you should just kill yourself then'.
I'm totally taken aback by his comment.
He says he was joking and doesn't understand why I'm so upset by it.
He knows how hard life has been recently.
Plus it really weirded me out that he whispered it into my ear. We were alone in a room together and he walked over to me and whispered it.
I'm thinking maybe he's feeling burdened by my depression which is understandable but still.
Its made me feel quite sick but he still insists he meant it in jest.
Is it just me that thinks suicide isn't something to joke about?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 16/09/2021 21:45

@AnotherEmma

Agree with both your comments.

Deeply shocking to walk across a room to say that.

I actually don't think I would safe with someone capable of such a comment.

It would give me massive pause for thought.

What is he really like OP?

I'm so sorry.Flowers

MuckyPlucky · 16/09/2021 21:48

Go over and whisper right back in his ear that your friend (me) lost her partner plus her v old friend plus her client to suicide recently, and then attempted and failed to save a stranger from suicide 4 months ago. Tell him it’s all been such a “great joke” that your friend (me) ended up hospitalised on suicide watch herself.

Ha, fucking, ha.

I’ve never, ever said this in 11 years on MN but….
LTB!

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 16/09/2021 21:50

Could be actually be planning to kill you and make it look like suicide?
Are you insured by any chance? some policies pay out for suicide after a certain length of time. Does he stand to gain a lot of money?
(I know, overdramatic! But if he can say that, he's not normal,it's an horrific thing to say!)

steff13 · 16/09/2021 21:52

That's really awful and kind of creepy. LTB.

StopWineIng · 16/09/2021 21:53

That’s awful. I don’t know what I would do. Has he said things to try and get into your head before?

a8mint · 16/09/2021 21:54

Could be actually be planning to kill you and make it look like suicide?

Fuck me, that's a leap!

1FootInTheRave · 16/09/2021 21:59

Holy shit...that is so sinister.

Actupfishy · 16/09/2021 22:03

That made me go a bit cold, what a cruel fucker! Is it any wonder you’re depressed?

BedTed · 16/09/2021 22:05

OP, that is genuinely horrendous that he did that to you. I’m so sorry. This would be a line that once crossed I couldn’t come back from. How would you feel about leaving him?

Abigail12345654321 · 16/09/2021 22:10

@a8mint

Could be actually be planning to kill you and make it look like suicide?

Fuck me, that's a leap!

Maybe.

But it is also worth paying attention to behaviours that may indicate you are living with an individual displaying callous unemotional traits and considering whether he may be a danger to himself and others.

We are all used to life’s normal frustrations and accept that people say things they don’t really mean in the heat of the moment. However the context of what the Op has described here is weird and sinister. It wasn’t the heat of the moment. It sounds deliberately cruel and calculated.

What’s his family background like Op? Has he behaved weirdly in the past? Have you ever had moments when you have felt unsafe with him? Your instincts have brought you to MN for advice so you are clearly concerned. More women should trust their instincts and not persuade themselves they are over-reacting.

CandyLeBonBon · 16/09/2021 22:18

Has he ever behaved this way before? That's seriously unfunny. I doubt it's come out of nowhere.

Original poster
Maddysheep · 16/09/2021 22:18

Hi all.
Firstly, I'd just like to say thank you all so much for the supportive comments .
As for the AD, I've been on them since having PND with my last child. Its been 4 years on them and I really feel that I want to find myself and feel things without being numbed by AD.
I've been feeling much better this week, thank god, so hopefully there is light at the end of a dark tunnel.
As for my husband, we've been together since we were both in our late teens. He's usually a good guy but has recently been sending a lot of mixed messages. He wanted me to be more intimate with him, so I tried but then apparently that was too much and he was then the one uninterested.
It hasn't been easy for him, with me being depressed and I do feel a lot of the burden has fallen on his shoulders, despite me trying to prevent that. And I know I can be a difficult person to be with, I have a tendency to push him a way when I feel down.

After his comment, he made out that I was overreacting by being upset. He then told me to fuck off when I wouldn't agree that it was a joke.
I went out for a walk to clear my head and had tea with my friend.
I'm home now and he has apologised and said that he knows he was insensitive.
However, if I hadn't reacted the way I did, would he be apologetic? I'm doubtful.
I also think that if he had said what he said a week earlier, I may have very well gone and taken his advice.
I totally agree with it being sinister.
It definitely creeped me out.
Tonight I will be sleeping in the spare bed and tomorrow I will be asking him for some space apart while I get my head together.
Wish me luck, and thanks again.

OP posts:
Tropics4 · 16/09/2021 22:19

I'm just speechless! Absolutely ghastly behaviour, I think hubby sounds like his own mental state is in question!

housewifeathome · 16/09/2021 22:23

WTF!! 🚩 🚩

OP, to echo what others have said, those words are chilling. Utterly unacceptable and in no way, shape or form could those words ever be considered "a joke". The fact he whispered it in your ear was the most sinister part.

I don't know what advice to offer as I don't know what he is like generally but I'm sure others will have some wise words for you Thanks

RLOU30 · 16/09/2021 22:23

That’s literally the worst thing I’ve read on here to date. Sorry OP do take care of yourself x

DowntonCrabby · 16/09/2021 22:26

I’d put money on your mental health becoming much stronger with this disgusting man out of your life.

Flowers OP please think of leaving.

TatianaBis · 16/09/2021 22:37

Weird and horrible.

Why are you so overwhelmed with work and housework? Is DH doing 50:50?

Topseyt · 16/09/2021 22:38

Wow! That is creepy and horrifying. I hope you are safe.

Abigail12345654321 · 16/09/2021 23:03

@Maddysheep

That sounds wise. Create some time and space for yourself, to reflect. Be honest with yourself and really consider whether there are behaviour patterns that worry you beyond this incident. Talk through any concerns you might have with Women’s Aid or other impartial support helpline, to see if that helps you to make sense of things.

WhatAShilohPitt · 16/09/2021 23:05

I find that horrific, OP. I can’t imagine how anyone could ‘joke’ to someone on depressants that they should kill them self. The quiet little whisper is unsettling. There’s not a trace of humour in any of it to me. I mean, he knows you were in a dark place only a week ago, he knows you were down when he said it. What the actual fuck was he hoping to achieve? I hope you’re ok.

Recessed · 16/09/2021 23:08

That was no "joke", incredibly sinister thing to do to the person you're supposed to love. I felt chills reading that Flowers

ThisIsNotAMill · 16/09/2021 23:15

It's not funny at all.

Depression is hard for the people around the person too. But although there's no excuse for saying that, I could almost 'get it' if you were arguing or dh was stressed and he'd shouted it at you from across a room. Obviously it would still need addressing but it's forgivable and may indicate a lack of control (which could be caused by his own MH issues) rather than actual malice.

The fact he walked over and whispered it in your ear is creepy as fuck and worrying.

Bobsyer · 16/09/2021 23:21

I wouldn't say that to a completely happy person that I was having a laugh and a joke with, let alone to my wife who expressed being upset and overwhelmed.

It is sinister and chilling and the last thing you should be saying to the person you're supposed to love most in your life.

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 17/09/2021 06:14

Good luck! Sounds as if you have a sensible plan.

SunshineCake · 17/09/2021 06:24

@legalseagull

I think you should show him this thread OP

This is disgusting. What a nasty bastard

This is terrible and potentially dangerous advice. It is rarely a good idea to show an abusive, controlling, horrible person a thread about their behaviour.
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