Baby due at Christmas Time

[egohippy]

So I'm due my baby on Xmas day. I live in one part of the UK, my family at the opposite end of the UK. We have friends but no family where we live.

Time is ticking on and none of the family have mentioned coming over at Xmas. Usually we spend every Xmas at my parents house but obviously this year we can't do that.

We usually spend Xmas there as it makes more sense for my husband and child to travel instead of the 15 family members we have there coming here - plus logistically it would never happen due to work commitments for them all plus one family member said they would never have their child having Xmas anywhere other than home. Fair enough.

We didn't make it last year due to covid so this is 2nd Xmas apart. We have discussed future xmas's as my child gets older and I'd like them to be in their own home for Santa coming and it was discussed that parents would have to take turns between grandchildren - their words. There are only 2 sets of grandchildren.

So being pregnant and liking to be organised I'm just wondering if I am being unreasonable in thinking that one of them - my mother perhaps - should have mentioned coming over at Xmas by now. This would let us get organised for them as well as providing reassurance that someone would be there on Xmas day for my other child if I do go in to labour or end up still in hospital on that day. My parents know it's a concern of mine not having anyone to mind child number one - we don't ever have a babysitter - regardless it's not a day to have someone on standby although a few friends have kindly said they would help out but it essentially means my child goes to a strangers house as it's no one they are close to.

I should say that I am always the one to visit them, they rarely visit here but when they do they never have to be invited and vice versa. We just book flights and check nothing major is happening that weekend. There is never a question of being invited so that's not the issue.

So AIBU that they haven't mentioned making plans to come over as it's over the Xmas period and they know I have another child to think of? Plus the fact if the baby is here maybe they'd like to spend Xmas with us in our home for the first time.

She chooses to help none of us even if it's the one who lives down the road or me further away. I just hate the selfishness of it all.

See this? You need to accept that you cannot rely on your mum for anything.

You say you are a close family but reading between the lines this isn’t the case.

I lied to myself for years in this way, and am much much happier since I accepted my DM won’t help unless it’s in her interests to do so. In which case I often turn down her few offers anyway.

There I don’t ask or expect shit and I’m never disappointed by her inactions.

Bit of a pile on the OP here. I think Christmas is a red herring. I get it. My family dynamics are very similar. I want them to want to help. I always help but it never seems to come the other way if it's an any way inconvenient.

Just make plans without them, they will
Loose out in the long run. Take care

God OP I had to re-read all your posts to make sure I wasn't missing something.

You are being so UR it's hardly believable.

You have been so nasty about your DM, I'd say that's a large clue as to her not raising the issue of Christmas and / or being there for the birth.

It's September. Understandably you want to make plans as you've a baby on the way. Not everyone else - so raise the issue and make your suggestions. Like an adult.

In relation to Out of interest tho use of you who have more than one child, who looked after your other children when you went to hospital? Did you ask these people well in advance and make plans or did you call them when you were getting in the car to go?

I asked a neighbour to be on standby if it was middle of the night & had childcare in place for the morning time. I don't have family close by.

You say you've plans in place so I don't see the issue.

And stop being so rude to posters you disagree with. Fraine did not deserve to be told to fuck off.

It is a bid concern on the 2nd baby, I'd ask a neighbour if it happened at night, just until a friend prearranged turned up.
I would be happy to help out a neighbour in this situation.
Best of luck.

You don’t sound all that close to your mum and after the quiet Christmas that everyone was forced into last year she may be looking forward to returning to her ‘normal’. I would make arrangements with one of your friends for your older child. Hopefully all will be straightforward and you won’t be in long. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

Out of interest tho use of you who have more than one child, who looked after your other children when you went to hospital? Did you ask these people well in advance and make plans or did you call them when you were getting in the car to go?

We asked them well in advance. The critical thing there being we asked them. Didn't expect anyone to volunteer or psychically figure out what we wanted. My 2nd was also due on Xmas Day. That year was our turn to go to PIL, we asked them to come to us instead. This was achieved with one phone call and zero drama.

As a PP said, this is like a film where it could all be solved with a short, simple conversation.

Just because you turn up uninvited when you perceive people need help, doesn’t mean everyone else would behave in the same way. If you want help, ask. If you want them to visit, ask. Given the number of threads on her about parents that overstepping around the birth of a baby I’m not surprised your mother is waiting for you to ask rather than presuming.

They’re probably waiting for you to call it and maybe not wanting to plan yet with things changing so quickly last year

For what it’s worth, I had a Christmas baby and carried on with having family over as normal - worst decision ever! If I did it again I would have cancelled and just had us and then had a “Christmas” get together a few weeks later.

I’m due on NYD with child no 2 and I also need my parents to look after my DS when I go into hospital. There’s been no talk about Christmas at all but that’s fine as it’s still a few months away!

As everyone else has said, either wait until it’s mentioned or bring it up yourself!

It's barely September. With all the uncertainties I think your family will be thinking like mine, no point in making firm arrangements yet

You need to try and advocate for yourself. You can't always just sit there and hope people will do things or offer things, sometimes you have to speak up for yourself. Bring up Christmas in conversation with your DM as a starting point if you are worried about asking her outright

Yabu, they’re waiting for you to invite them! That’s the way invitations work - the person hosting does the inviting, not the guest.

Appreciate all the posts but if you aren't going to read everything then don't comment as your opinion isn't valid especially when it comes to the whole inviting/hosting thing. Iv explained how it is. I know my family. They're not waiting for an invite to come over. That's a fact.

only to people who deserve it by being rude first and/or don't read the thread smile

I read the thread and all your posts. You said you might have to go alone. But you still asked the question what others did, and I answered. 🤷‍♀️

They're not waiting for an invite to come over. That's a fact.
Which doesn't mean you can't just start a conversation about Christmas. They might not be thinking it's that close (which it isnt). Such drama for no reason.

I've read every post, as stated in previous message. Have you talked to them about flying and covid, about what their arrangements are where they live and with the other family members, about what you need from them with the second child? I know you wish they would just be jumping to come and tell you they're coming, but things are more complicated now. There are lots more considerations to take into account. I think you need to accept the dynamic isn't the same any more. Until you do that just telling other people they don't understand and getting frustrated isn't going to actually help. What people from the outside can see is that things aren't the way you think they are and are trying to help you by saying you need to have a conversation. It is hard to accept because you think it means they don't care as much maybe? I'm sure that's not true, but you do need in this situation to have a more direct conversation than you may have done in the past. Good luck with your second baby, mine is also due in December, it feels a lot closer to us than it does everyone else!

I know this is not really answering your question but I was in a similar situation. My son was due at Christmas I spent the day in hospital and my girls had to go to my friend. They said they had an amazing day better than at home!! They still talk about it to this day xx 😜

Covid isn't an issue for them and they have been on several flights to other places (including here) this year so that doesn't come in to it apart from the obvious restrictions that may end up being in place.

@Sciurus83 it certainly does feel a lot closer and with these dark nights coming in it's feeling very wintery all of a sudden!

God this is exhausting to read OP

YABVU, rude to other posters (who I agree, don't seem to have made unreasonable comments) and really down on your mum.

You keep saying you know your family and they don't need an invite. My family don't need an invite either but as it's MY RESPONSIBILITY to sort out childcare when baby 2 comes (also due post Christmas), so I have been proactive and I have had the conversation.

It was an easy conversation that went something like this

Me: Mum, I know you suffer from insomnia so having DS1 is hard, but when I go into labour, could you mind the dog for me and DH? I'll also probably need some help when I'm out?
Mum: Of course! No problem at all. Just give me instructions

DH to PIL: mum and dad, when Pleb goes into labour with DS2, could you have DS1 overnight? Last time it was long so not sure how many it will be 😬
PIL: of course we can. We'll come and stay at yours so he's in his own home
DH: great, Plebs mum is going to have the dog, do you think you could bring a few freezer meals too!
PIL: No problem, we'll make sure we don't book any trips around Plebs due date

And it was that easy. But neither parents would have offered-they were waiting to see what we would prefer to plan!

OP, I think you need to ask yourself what do you want to achieve? Have your mum there for the birth or make the point that she hasn’t offered?

From an outsider’s POV it sounds odd that knowing she would rather not do it, you refuse to ask for the favour but still expect her to do it.
It is you who needs something, why shouldn’t the onus be on you to ask?

Blimey OP, I was one of the first people to respond to your thread and having read through much of the subsequent discussion you are coming across as very unreasonable

Yes, in an ideal utopia it would be great if friends and relatives could anticipate exactly what support we want but if there's one thing you learn from MN it is that the support one new Mum wants from her family is very different to the next

If flights are involved then it obviously needs to be planned in advance and since you can't predict the exact date of birth then you need to at least suggest some dates to your family when you would like them to visit. If they drag their feet once you have opened the discussion and don't seem keen then you have my sympathy but you can't really moan about their reluctance to help you when you haven't even mentioned it to them 🙄

@Embracelife

You need to tell them "Mum I need you to come stay over Xmas and look after dc when I go to hospital to have baby" Then she caN say yes or no

This broadly.

And you definitely do NOT want to commit to making xmas lunch if either heavily pregnant or with a newborn.

Sometimes op when others aren’t behaving as you’d like you need to be the one to break the Mexican standoff.
I do get it that it would be nice if your mum had ACTED WHOLLY OUT OF CHARACTER (as you’ve described it).

But she’s who she is.

All you need to do is decide -
Shall I do nothing, have no support and feel aggrieved.
Or
I’ll need help, she’s a bit crap but will want to help so why don’t I bring it up.
One or the other and then live with it surely.
Me? I would pick up the phone - tonight.
Good luck whichever you decide to do.