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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby due at Christmas Time

123 replies

egohippy · 15/09/2021 22:06

So I'm due my baby on Xmas day. I live in one part of the UK, my family at the opposite end of the UK. We have friends but no family where we live.

Time is ticking on and none of the family have mentioned coming over at Xmas. Usually we spend every Xmas at my parents house but obviously this year we can't do that.

We usually spend Xmas there as it makes more sense for my husband and child to travel instead of the 15 family members we have there coming here - plus logistically it would never happen due to work commitments for them all plus one family member said they would never have their child having Xmas anywhere other than home. Fair enough.

We didn't make it last year due to covid so this is 2nd Xmas apart. We have discussed future xmas's as my child gets older and I'd like them to be in their own home for Santa coming and it was discussed that parents would have to take turns between grandchildren - their words. There are only 2 sets of grandchildren.

So being pregnant and liking to be organised I'm just wondering if I am being unreasonable in thinking that one of them - my mother perhaps - should have mentioned coming over at Xmas by now. This would let us get organised for them as well as providing reassurance that someone would be there on Xmas day for my other child if I do go in to labour or end up still in hospital on that day. My parents know it's a concern of mine not having anyone to mind child number one - we don't ever have a babysitter - regardless it's not a day to have someone on standby although a few friends have kindly said they would help out but it essentially means my child goes to a strangers house as it's no one they are close to.

I should say that I am always the one to visit them, they rarely visit here but when they do they never have to be invited and vice versa. We just book flights and check nothing major is happening that weekend. There is never a question of being invited so that's not the issue.

So AIBU that they haven't mentioned making plans to come over as it's over the Xmas period and they know I have another child to think of? Plus the fact if the baby is here maybe they'd like to spend Xmas with us in our home for the first time.

OP posts:

Original poster

egohippy · 16/09/2021 00:02

@Zfactorstar except you don't know the protagonist character well and the shit storm that would go down coz life isn't a movie and the aibu section here is the most popular section for this very reason

OP posts:

Fraine · 16/09/2021 00:04

[quote egohippy]@Fraine another assumption.

She wasn't widowed.

I'm not wider family - I'm immediate family

I don't expect her to come every two years - this would be the first time she came and there was never an expectation made of her to come

I did explain the fuck off - you made an assumption and made a rude reply that bore no relevance to my initial question so I responded in a way I felt you would not be able to misconstrue.

[/quote]
What was rude about saying it’s not unreasonable that they fly to you every 2 years as you chose to move away? You still have ‘t explained?

Fraine · 16/09/2021 00:04

And I meant that the other 15 are her wider family, not you.

Original poster

egohippy · 16/09/2021 00:07

@PinkArt good advice and something I really do have to accept as she's never going to change now.

@EmeraldShamrock this is very true and I think I agree. To be fair I think Iv wound myself up about it too much now that if she says she's coming over I'll tell her no hahahaha

Realistically though I think if she did come in my head it would be all cosy xmas but yes I can see her face tripping her and not being happy which would really piss off a heavily pregnant/post-partum woman!

I think she expects me to just go there every year which isn't fair with a young family. She was visibly shocked when I said we couldn't come over every year as first born got older and more in to the magic of xmas so would have to think about doing it in our own house at some point. Then covid made that decision for us last year and we actually really enjoyed it but she didn't like that it was different.

OP posts:

Fraine · 16/09/2021 00:16

I don't expect her to come every two years - this would be the first time she came and there was never an expectation made of her to come

Your OP said ‘it was discussed that parents would have to take turns between grandchildren - their words. There are only 2 sets of grandchildren.’

Original poster

egohippy · 16/09/2021 00:25

@Fraine correct. Their words. Their discussion. No expectation from me. Pretty clear.

Poor argument.

OP posts:

Fraine · 16/09/2021 00:29

But you do have expectations following that discussion. You say

‘one of them - my mother perhaps - should have mentioned coming over at Xmas by now.’

Original poster

egohippy · 16/09/2021 00:38

Oh @Fraine stop trying to keep it going. No expectation means I did not put the expectation on them, just because I think something does not mean other people know it - do you understand?

I come on this wee app about once a month for a nosey and sometimes post an aibu if something is bothering me. I'll not be here every night commenting on every aibu so just you let this one go, you're not getting it. There's lots of other ones for you to post on.

Nighty night.

OP posts:

ModerateOven · 16/09/2021 00:53

One of my first thoughts after finding out I was pregnant was who will mind the first one when I'm in labour

Can't your husband? I gave birth on xmas eve and wouldn't have wanted to have people staying when I got home. And they all live 4 hours away anyway. Nobody offered because I suppose they thought we'd be pretty busy!

ModerateOven · 16/09/2021 00:57

Out of interest tho use of you who have more than one child, who looked after your other children when you went to hospital?

My husband. There was nobody else. It was fine.

Original poster

egohippy · 16/09/2021 01:04

@martyr, sorry I mean @ModerateOven Iv already said it won't be an issue for my husband to mind the first one and I'll go in on my own but he wants to be there for the birth of his child if he can. We have other plans in place.

OP posts:

ModerateOven · 16/09/2021 01:14

@martyr, sorry I mean @ModerateOven

How rude and unnecessary. You asked a question of people who already had children. I answered. Are you always this dramatic?

ModerateOven · 16/09/2021 01:20

Oh @Fraine do fuck off

Heh. History of rudeness.

Original poster

egohippy · 16/09/2021 01:21

@ModerateOven no, only to people who deserve it by being rude first and/or don't read the thread

OP posts:

Original poster

egohippy · 16/09/2021 01:23

@ModerateOven do you see all my other polite replies to the other people?

By your logic I have a history of politeness then??

OP posts:

Fraine · 16/09/2021 01:27

[quote egohippy]@ModerateOven no, only to people who deserve it by being rude first and/or don't read the thread [/quote]
How was I rude?! I said a flight to see you every two years is not unreasonable?

Hopeisnotastrategy · 16/09/2021 02:45

OP you are saying some pretty nasty things about your mother on here, but seem to think she should drop everything to travel to the other end of the country at Christmas to help you out. She may have her reasons.

HerRoyalNotness · 16/09/2021 02:53

@egohippy

Ok well glad I asked.

Out of interest tho use of you who have more than one child, who looked after your other children when you went to hospital? Did you ask these people well in advance and make plans or did you call them when you were getting in the car to go?

You’re going to have to ask. We’ve lived abroad and no family around. No2 a friend looked after No1. No3 was born in difficult circumstances, but she arrived when the older 2 were at school. H then asked his mum to come over and help, which she graciously did. No4. Another friend had the oldest 2 for 2 nights. She offered. But you need to ask. People aren’t mind readers. Tell your mum what you need and if she can’t accommodate that gives you time to ask a friend and spend a little time with your DC1 before the event

timeisnotaline · 16/09/2021 03:31

I appreciate these lines of thinking however I know my family won't expect me to be hosting. Despite how it sounds we are very close and it's not a case of hosting when we are at each other's houses - even at Xmas. It's a case of we all pitch in and help and do what needs doing.
I know you’d like to think this but it’s not a case of pitch in. It doesn’t sound like your mum does much for you at all and she sounds like a self centred precious snowflake. It would be easier for you just to acknowledge this.
You could ask her, or you could write her off. I would absolutely not have dh as your main plan, we had our second on the other side of the planet from family so I lined up several friends as options to look after our oldest, it felt like a huge favour to ask but they were all very kind. In practice they were all away as my son was over a week late so luckily my sister had arrived to visit that day!
Whatever you do having your own baby is definitely time to take a stand around being the family dogsbody. Do what you want at Christmas from here on and don’t feel at all pressured by anyone else. Tell your sister (if you’re actually close) that you’re upset your mum hasnt offered. Personally I’d ask my mum in your shoes jsut so I could know she wasn’t happy to help. And if she says rude things about you can’t cope say you must have forgotten that my sister like most people didn’t have to cope as kind family came to help- that kind family is of course me not you. I doubt you gave birth to me alone in a field while looking after sister so If you are only going to judge me this call is over.

violetbunny · 16/09/2021 03:56

Good grief, woman. Use your words, they're not kind readers. You say you don't want to pressure them, but maybe they don't want to pressure you?!

PurpleOkapi · 16/09/2021 03:57

It's probably time to stop standing on principle about how your children should never have a baby-sitter. If you want to live on the other side of the country from your family, you can't expect them to always be around whenever anything happens. If it's important to you that your children have an existing close relationship with anyone who might care for them, now is the time to start building those relationships.

HeronLanyon · 16/09/2021 04:29

Just sounds as if they may very properly be thinking ‘this Christmas is v different we can’t just invite ourselves as we would usually let’s wait and see what op and her dh might want or need from us’.
Call them. ‘Hi mum - can we think about what to do at Christmas ?’ And then talk.

Humberbear · 16/09/2021 06:00

Doesn't your husband have any family that could either look after your child or spend Christmas with?

Sciurus83 · 16/09/2021 06:23

Wow. From reading this full thread it is clear that communication is not one of your strengths. That aside.

This year is different, your mum is likely unaware of your expectations and post covid there is a bit of a reset and people are feeling their way back to the new normal. You also indicate that booking last minute flights etc especially around Christmas would be difficult for her. Would she even be comfortable flying right now? My inlaws a flight away definitely aren't. Just have a chat and tell her you want her to come eh?

Hesma · 16/09/2021 06:26

YABU, I wouldn’t be hassling you Christmas if I were your family member. If you want everyone at yours then invite them.

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