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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby due at Christmas Time

123 replies

egohippy · 15/09/2021 22:06

So I'm due my baby on Xmas day. I live in one part of the UK, my family at the opposite end of the UK. We have friends but no family where we live.

Time is ticking on and none of the family have mentioned coming over at Xmas. Usually we spend every Xmas at my parents house but obviously this year we can't do that.

We usually spend Xmas there as it makes more sense for my husband and child to travel instead of the 15 family members we have there coming here - plus logistically it would never happen due to work commitments for them all plus one family member said they would never have their child having Xmas anywhere other than home. Fair enough.

We didn't make it last year due to covid so this is 2nd Xmas apart. We have discussed future xmas's as my child gets older and I'd like them to be in their own home for Santa coming and it was discussed that parents would have to take turns between grandchildren - their words. There are only 2 sets of grandchildren.

So being pregnant and liking to be organised I'm just wondering if I am being unreasonable in thinking that one of them - my mother perhaps - should have mentioned coming over at Xmas by now. This would let us get organised for them as well as providing reassurance that someone would be there on Xmas day for my other child if I do go in to labour or end up still in hospital on that day. My parents know it's a concern of mine not having anyone to mind child number one - we don't ever have a babysitter - regardless it's not a day to have someone on standby although a few friends have kindly said they would help out but it essentially means my child goes to a strangers house as it's no one they are close to.

I should say that I am always the one to visit them, they rarely visit here but when they do they never have to be invited and vice versa. We just book flights and check nothing major is happening that weekend. There is never a question of being invited so that's not the issue.

So AIBU that they haven't mentioned making plans to come over as it's over the Xmas period and they know I have another child to think of? Plus the fact if the baby is here maybe they'd like to spend Xmas with us in our home for the first time.

OP posts:

Original poster

egohippy · 15/09/2021 23:22

@mumof2oneofeach I would actually love that! Don't know if it would be allowed though given the pandemic. I think first born would love it also!

OP posts:

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 15/09/2021 23:27

Oh gosh how old were they @mumof2oneofeach

I think I'd be traumatised if I'd witnessed my mum giving birth to a baby other than myself

mumof2oneofeach · 15/09/2021 23:28

I was wondering about in the pandemic too..
We turned up with DS as we had no one else to look after him, they didn't even blink at him being there which I was so pleased about.

mumof2oneofeach · 15/09/2021 23:29

DS was 3 at the time. He watched Thomas the tank engine as was far more interested in that than what was going on elsewhere.

Original poster

egohippy · 15/09/2021 23:30

@fraine and @seaandsandcastles it's not a fair comment when it wasn't what I asked in the first place.

It's also really not a reasonable comment given that I know the distance and logistics involved and the reasons for those who chose to move away and regardless of there being 15 family members involved it wasn't me who chose to move away actually. I chose to stay for various reasons.

So if someone is going to assume and cast aspersions then they do deserve the abuse that comes with it. @Fraine wants to refrain from being blunt and they won't get it in return.

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mumof2oneofeach · 15/09/2021 23:30

He did take a lovely (😱) photo though of his sibling emerging 😂🤦🏻‍♀️

user1471457751 · 15/09/2021 23:31

You mention parents but most of your post is criticism of your mother - why not your dad? Or is possession of a penis a get out clause?

I think you're being unfair to your mum. If you want help then just ask. It is not up to anyone bar you and your husband to make plans around your labour.

mumof2oneofeach · 15/09/2021 23:31

Oh but to go back to the original question. I would have absolutely hated anyone coming to stay but that's my choice. I really think your mum is trying to be considerate.

Fraine · 15/09/2021 23:34

[quote egohippy]**@fraine* and @seaandsandcastles* it's not a fair comment when it wasn't what I asked in the first place.

So if someone is going to assume and cast aspersions then they do deserve the abuse that comes with it. @Fraine wants to refrain from being blunt and they won't get it in return.

[/quote]
You’ve posted on AIBU looking for opinions on whether you’re BU or no. I said that your family flying to visit you on the opposite side of the UK every 2 years seems reasonable to me and that you chose to move away.

I really don’t understand what you find unreasonable about that comment?

Instead of telling me to fuck off why didn’t you just explain about distances and logistics and that you weren’t the one to move away, the 15 other family members did?

Original poster

egohippy · 15/09/2021 23:37

@user1471457751 my dad is dead so him and his penis don't have an opinion. My mum's partner will do what my mum is doing but won't make a decision or try to sway her. As Iv said previously my mum doesn't like change and he knows this, he will want to come over and likes to be organised like me but won't want to put pressure on my mum as they all treat her like a snowflake

He was the one in the past who suggested splitting Xmas between the grandchildren whilst my mother pretended not to hear

OP posts:

Original poster

egohippy · 15/09/2021 23:39

@Fraine the logistics, who chose to move away and the distance aren't the issue here and haven't been for anyone but you.

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PinkArt · 15/09/2021 23:41

OP the onus is on you to ask your mum here, not for her to tell you, as it's something you want to happen.
It sounds like she's not offered because it's not something she esp wants to do - she doesn't travel to you that much, isn't great in an emergency, which may become the case with a sudden labour and doesn't like hosting at Xmas, which she may end up doing to some extent if you and your other half have to rush to hospital on Xmas morning.
It's also September, during a pandemic. She may be thinking it's too early to make any concrete plans for December.

Fraine · 15/09/2021 23:42

[quote egohippy]@Fraine the logistics, who chose to move away and the distance aren't the issue here and haven't been for anyone but you. [/quote]
Well, clearly they are an issue, as it’s presumably a big part of the reason your family visit less than you would like them to?

Or are there other reasons they don’t visit?

RosesAndHellebores · 15/09/2021 23:45

It seems to me there are 15 of them at one end of the country and three of you at the other. Presumably you can't put up 15 and they won't all want to book hotels, etc.

"Look mum you're my mum, the baby is due Christmas day. Please can you come for Christmas just in case to help me. Just the two of you"

Original poster

egohippy · 15/09/2021 23:47

Jesus @Fraine read the thread, Iv literally explained why here

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EmeraldShamrock · 15/09/2021 23:48

I'd ask your DM to stay.
They probably are avoiding it too.
I'd arrange other childcare options if baby comes early, even a neighbour.

MrsMiddleMother · 15/09/2021 23:52

Honestly I would just ask a close friend to have first born. Due to covid your husband won't be able to stay much after birth so will be with him again soon enough. Maybe take the next few months to introduce them properly. Imo your mum definitely should have offered to come and stay at yours over Christmas/due date to help out and look after dc but sadly we don't all have parents who are that accommodating.

Original poster

egohippy · 15/09/2021 23:53

@PinkArt yeah you have a point apart from it being September/pandemic - I know she's been avoiding this since I told her when I was due.

I just wanted her to do what I think is the right thing and be reliable for us and I didn't want to have to be the one to bring it up. I just want her to be one of those grannies and mums that are hands on. She had a whole lot of help when we were growing up and couldn't have done it without her family. She chooses to help none of us even if it's the one who lives down the road or me further away. I just hate the selfishness of it all.

I'm very independent ba use of this and have looked after myself since I was a teenager. I don't need the help but wanted her to step up without being asked.

Not sure what I plan to do, I'll stop being annoyed about it but I don't think I'll be asking her to come over. I'm actually really curious to know if she would ever plan to come over without me asking.

I know it's only September but to me I'm 6 months in and have 14 or less weeks to go so time is moving fast in my eyes and I also know she has half her Xmas shopping done as she likes to get it done early!!!

OP posts:

Fraine · 15/09/2021 23:56

We’re going around in circles and still no explanation for the ‘fuck off’, so let’s leave it there.

I will say that I think expecting your widowed mother to give up her Christmas with her wider family every second year for the forseeable future to come to fly to you on the opposite side of the UK because you want your child to be at home for Santa is unreasonable.

Original poster

egohippy · 15/09/2021 23:56

@MrsMiddleMother thank you that is all Iv wanted to hear all night

It is 100% something I would do and I often drop everything to go there when I think I'm needed (not asked) as to me that's what family does

I have plans in place and I know first born will be fine for a few hours as sadly I think covid is going to set the restrictions back again come Xmas but as long as hubby is there for the birth Neither of us mind me going it alone - might be a bit of welcome peace from them both

OP posts:

Zfactorstar · 15/09/2021 23:57

You know when you're watching a movie and think that the conflict can be resolved with a simple conversation, that's what I always feel like with a lot of posts on this site.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 15/09/2021 23:57

@Zfactorstar

You know when you're watching a movie and think that the conflict can be resolved with a simple conversation, that's what I always feel like with a lot of posts on this site.

Original poster

egohippy · 16/09/2021 00:00

@Fraine another assumption.

She wasn't widowed.

I'm not wider family - I'm immediate family

I don't expect her to come every two years - this would be the first time she came and there was never an expectation made of her to come

I did explain the fuck off - you made an assumption and made a rude reply that bore no relevance to my initial question so I responded in a way I felt you would not be able to misconstrue.

OP posts:

PinkArt · 16/09/2021 00:01

One of the best bits of advice I've heard in recent years is that you can't control what others do but you can control your reaction to what they do. You think it's the right thing, she doesn't.
Your mum isn't going to become that person just because you want her to and it'll be easier in the long run to try to accept that. Something I'm still working through myself with a dad who can be 'interesting'!

EmeraldShamrock · 16/09/2021 00:01

It is hard to ask for something when you know the person isn't comfortable giving it.
Especially if you're close you feel the vibe.
I wouldn't ask her, ask a friend to stay with DC and have a quiet Christmas with DH.
You know she likes her comfort and you're not alone.

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