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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you discovered your child was not your child....

128 replies

Orangejuicemarathoner · 15/09/2021 18:48

How would it affect you as a mother?

I'm asking, because of the recent experience of a (male) cousin - just having been informed by his ex that he is not the biological father of his daughter.- confirmed by DNA

He is now expected to turn his back and walk away from the child he has thought was is own for 8 years.

He isn't going to do that, and is still fighting for joint custody.

I know it is so much more unlikely for a mother to be told that, but not completely impossible, particularly with the wrong egg/fertility treatment scenario

But I've always thought it would be upsetting, of course, and leave a lot of questions that needed answering, but would not fundamentally change anything in our relationship.

I would not love my child any less, they would still be the child I had loved and raised for years.

Surely most women would feel that, so why is the expectation different for men?

YANBU- finding out I am not the biological parent of my child would not change my love for them

YABU- finding out I am not the biological parent of my child would change my love for them

OP posts:
HairBobbles · 15/09/2021 21:56

I would
Imagine this happened in the past more often than we imagine and with no DNA to prove it either way.

Sunndown · 15/09/2021 22:00

Sad case, where a girl had a difficult family life and found out as a teenager, but it's taken years to get information from the health authority.

Cattenberg · 15/09/2021 22:01

@NigellaSeed

This has been covered on desperate housewives. You love your child, but you also love your biological child, you want to keep them both. Biological child will stay with their family. Then you get a doll and act like it's your baby and take it everywhere with you. Then a plane crashes into your street and you move on to the next thing.
This storyline explained why large Juanita didn’t look like her petite mum, Gaby. A dainty little girl called Grace was revealed to be Gaby’s biological daughter.

But how does that explain Gaby’s (large) younger daughter, Celia? Who looked like Juanita.

DID NO ONE REMEMBER POOR CELIA?

NoSquirrels · 15/09/2021 22:01

There is a fmaily at my dd's primary school.
The wrong embryo was implanted.
They are very open about it. Their oldest son is not biologically theirs.
I have no idea when they found, but certainly at birth as the boy is different ethnicity to rest of family.

I always wondered about the 'other' embryo. And the 'real' mother?
Non of my business, but bloody hell, what a lot to deal with.

Birth mother, not 'real' mother would be much better language to use.

Interesting in this case, though, youvegotten because the person who gave birth to this child wasn’t the same as in an adoption where you do have a ‘birth mum’ and a mother who raises the child. The mother in the family steppemom describes gave birth to the child. I think if we’re going to be strict on language it would have to be ‘genetic mother’ or something.

Badlytornfrube · 15/09/2021 22:04

My eldest is biologically mine. We used donor eggs for my two youngest. I do feel differently about them because they have personality quirks and physical attributes of a stranger. However, I still adore them.

flipflop76 · 15/09/2021 22:07

My daughter is donor conceived and it definitely doesn't make a difference to me - I couldn't love her any more.

NigellaSeed · 15/09/2021 22:09

@Cattenberg Grin

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 15/09/2021 22:12

I would love them exactly the same and my bond would not change. I would be concerned about managing it with them so that they understood their own identity, where they came from, and knew that I loved them as much as ever and our bond hadn’t changed.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/09/2021 22:14

@NoSquirrels

There is a fmaily at my dd's primary school. The wrong embryo was implanted. They are very open about it. Their oldest son is not biologically theirs. I have no idea when they found, but certainly at birth as the boy is different ethnicity to rest of family.

I always wondered about the 'other' embryo. And the 'real' mother?
Non of my business, but bloody hell, what a lot to deal with.

Birth mother, not 'real' mother would be much better language to use.

Interesting in this case, though, youvegotten because the person who gave birth to this child wasn’t the same as in an adoption where you do have a ‘birth mum’ and a mother who raises the child. The mother in the family steppemom describes gave birth to the child. I think if we’re going to be strict on language it would have to be ‘genetic mother’ or something.

Yes in that scenario biological mother would be apt I guess. It's just that's a lot more rare than adoption so I didn't mention it. It's upsetting for adopted children / adoptive parents to combat the whole 'real' parents or having 'your own' children as it others and makes them seem less of a parent than people who share DNA.

We were taught to say, if teased about being unwanted as babies that "our parents literally chose us, that's how wanted we were" which I thought was brilliant of my mum and dad Smile

Luddite26 · 15/09/2021 22:17

I found out I was illegitimate at 11 spent years looking for my dad totally screwed me up. Met him when I was 26 he had a baby son. Four years on he did DNA test and baby son then 4 turned out not to be his.
All my family look like nobody else but my father even gc.he brought son up as his own and took his secret to his grave last year son doesn't know he has another dad out there.
Left him £50000 in his will. He's fuming because younger sister to a Thai woman hot the rest. She was his. I was his but got naff all. Queserasera.
His mother was bandied about at father's funeral as though she was the grieving love of his life not the schemer who knew he wasn't the father. My dad was heartbroken when he found out.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/09/2021 22:19

@Badlytornfrube

My eldest is biologically mine. We used donor eggs for my two youngest. I do feel differently about them because they have personality quirks and physical attributes of a stranger. However, I still adore them.
Would you say you love them less / more / differently / conditionally compared to your children not conceived with donor eggs? Genuine question as I find it interesting.
FrippEnos · 15/09/2021 22:36

@ManifestDestinee

Surely most women would feel that, so why is the expectation different for men?

Because men don't give birth, they aren't usually the primary carers, they haven't sacrificed in the same way, and they are far, far, far more likely to abandon their children when a relationship ends than women are. Men on the whole seem perfectly ok with seeing their kids EOW in a way that most women simply wouldn't dream of.

It is different for men, as a class*. Let's not pretend otherwise.

(* don't start a deluge of Not All Men, we all know that)

There is also a difference in how men are seen in the press. There was a case some years back were the mother had several children and claimed that the man was the father. He took her to court for paternity fraud. the children turned there back on him and the responses in the papers were equally dismissive of him, even though he wanted to be a part of the children's lives.
aurynne · 15/09/2021 22:59

Fascinating thread! @steppemum you may want to read the book "The mothers" by Genevieve Gannon (NOT the one by Brit Bennet), it tells the story of wrong IVF embryos implanted to different women. The heartbreaking thing is, one implantation works and the other doesn't. So imagine you've struggled with infertility for years and another round of IVF fails... just for you to find that your actual embryo was implanted in another woman... and she has your baby!

It's not the best-written book in the world, but I really enjoyed the heartbreaking story. Highly recommended!

Highfivemum · 15/09/2021 23:01

Is it really not his DC. Has he had a test. I only say as this happened to a friends brother. He brought up his DC for 4 years then his DF told him the DC wasn’t his. She then moved in with a man in a neighboring town. Turns out the DC was his. She lied for a clean break. He found out 3 years later when the girls new boyfriend dump her and she came crying back to him. So make sure she is telling the truth.

aurynne · 15/09/2021 23:03

(I really enjoyed READING it...not the heartbreaking story... the way I wrote it makes me sound like a heartless gloating bitch!)

Usuallyhappycamper · 15/09/2021 23:03

My children are mine no matter what, even in the incredibly unlikely scenario that my dna was elsewhere. Everyone says how much they look like their dad, so even with my genetics, they still don't look like me. I have raised them and loved them. Saying that, I would want to know a child if there turned out to be a switch. One reason I would never have done egg donation when young enough is that I wouldn't want "my" child out there and have no influence in how they were raised. What if they were mistreated, or in a cult etc.

Yaya26 · 15/09/2021 23:35

Happened a (nice )guy I worked with. He was mid forties, never married good professional job. A girl he had seen on and off again for 12 years told him she was pregnant with their child. She already had a 8 year old daughter from another relationship that he was so fond of. He was so happy and excited. Rented out his house, moved about 2 hours away to move in with her. Buying things flat out. The baby was born. He adored her and couldn't stop talking about her in work -completely hands on. Six months down the line the mother of the child told him the baby wasn't his and dumped him. Devastating.

geojellyfish · 16/09/2021 07:10

Yaya - your poor colleague. I don't understand why anyone would knowingly put their child and another person through all that.

bellabasset · 16/09/2021 07:27

@FripEnos Those dcs were conceived during his marriage to his ex. After their split he'd paid considersble maintenance she wouldn't have been entitled to. He claimed it back through court proceedings. He sees one of them.

If your cousin isn't married to the dc's df is he registered on the birth certificate as her df?

Maggie178 · 16/09/2021 07:55

I have one biological child and one adopted child. The love is the same

SunshineCake · 16/09/2021 09:04

@GeorgiaGirl52

Happened in my town - two baby boys switched by hospital. One went home with birth couple, the other was an adoption surrender and went with army couple. Six years later, birth couple divorcing and father demands DNA test. They discover the little boy they raised is not biologically theirs. Cancel divorce and start looking. But first, they go to court in Georgia and Adopt The Child they have raised. They they go ahead and find their biological son being raised in a nearby state. Lots of legal back-and-forth, but after three years they get their biological son back too. They raised the boys as twins. After all, they did have the same birthday.
How can this be a switch if the baby went home with the birth couple?
vivainsomnia · 16/09/2021 09:32

To go back to what happened to your friend, and considering how most most mother's have said they would feel, I fi d it utterly despicable that any women could let a man think a child is his when there is a chance, however remote, that he might not be.

It is just utterly utterly selfish and coward.

steppemum · 16/09/2021 09:43

Birth mother, not 'real' mother would be much better language to use.

apologies. I wasn't sure which term to use as in this case obviously the biological mother was not the birth mother.

which is why I put 'real' in inverted commas. I guess biological mother would be the best.

MoiraNotRuby · 16/09/2021 10:15

Never mind how the parents feel, to me how the child feels is more important. Can you imagine being told 'we are splitting up and your dad isn't really your dad after all'? I would protect them from that bombshell and find a way to reveal the truth in supportive stages.

Mcmuffinmonster · 16/09/2021 10:44

Name changed to share this. Although I suppose its pretty outing anyway but hey ho.

This scenario has pretty much happened to my DH.

DH and I have been together for 8 years, he has DSS who is 12 now and we have two boys of our own together who are 6 and 3.
We'd have DSS to stay every weekend and usually once in the week for tea after school. Lovely boy, always got on great with him, and DH was a fantastic dad to him.
2 years ago his ex came and said that she was moving abroad with DSS, DH obviously not happy with this and was pleading with her not to. Arguments ensued and she said that it didn't matter what he said because DSS wasn't his anyway. Of course no one believed her, but then she got a DNA test to prove it. DH still reluctant to believe her, thought she faked the results so got a DNA test of his own. DSS was definitely not his.
He was devastated but was determined that he would still see DSS.
It went through court, where there was apparently a statement from DSS that he no longer wanted to be in contact with DH. It was a lengthy statement but the gist of it was simple, that DH wasn't his dad and he wanted to find and bond with his real dad and he felt he couldn't do that with DH in the picture. We're still convinced that ex made DSS say this because he loved DH and I couldn't imagine that changing over something out of their control. But the court decided that was enough, DSS said himself that he wanted nothing more to do with DH so he got no custody. They moved away shortly after that and DH hasn't heard from them since. I can't imagine what impact all this had on DSS, he was only 10 at the time ffs.
DH hopes that DSS will just come and knock on the door again one day, or give him a phone or something. It's been so so hard for him to wrap his head around, he loved and cared for this child for 10 years and then he was gone just like that.

I hope your cousin has a better outcome for his case OP.