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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you discovered your child was not your child....

128 replies

Orangejuicemarathoner · 15/09/2021 18:48

How would it affect you as a mother?

I'm asking, because of the recent experience of a (male) cousin - just having been informed by his ex that he is not the biological father of his daughter.- confirmed by DNA

He is now expected to turn his back and walk away from the child he has thought was is own for 8 years.

He isn't going to do that, and is still fighting for joint custody.

I know it is so much more unlikely for a mother to be told that, but not completely impossible, particularly with the wrong egg/fertility treatment scenario

But I've always thought it would be upsetting, of course, and leave a lot of questions that needed answering, but would not fundamentally change anything in our relationship.

I would not love my child any less, they would still be the child I had loved and raised for years.

Surely most women would feel that, so why is the expectation different for men?

YANBU- finding out I am not the biological parent of my child would not change my love for them

YABU- finding out I am not the biological parent of my child would change my love for them

OP posts:
Ozanj · 15/09/2021 19:12

UK law protects mothers who give birth. Even if they used the wrong egg for my son, because I gave birth to him I am considered his mother. Nobody can overturn this unless I decide to forgo my rights as a mother.

Where things get complicated is if the wrong sperm is used.

NigellaSeed · 15/09/2021 19:16

This has been covered on desperate housewives. You love your child, but you also love your biological child, you want to keep them both. Biological child will stay with their family. Then you get a doll and act like it's your baby and take it everywhere with you. Then a plane crashes into your street and you move on to the next thing.

steppemum · 15/09/2021 19:19

really interesting actually.

if I adopted a child, or took on a step child and then treated them as my own, and brought them up, then of course I would have 100% parental feeligns etc.

But to be told that the child you thought was yours isn't, is huge. If you thought the baby you had known since tiny suddenly wasn't yours, that is like the rug being pulled out from under your feet hugely.
Again, probably different for father compared to mother, and circumstances (was it your baby in the womb? Or the wrong embryo implanted? Or was there a switch after birth?) but I just can't imagine it.

In the case of OP, of course I would fight for my child, but there woudl also be a huge grief process to work through.

steppemum · 15/09/2021 19:21

There is a fmaily at my dd's primary school.
The wrong embryo was implanted.
They are very open about it. Their oldest son is not biologically theirs.
I have no idea when they found, but certainly at birth as the boy is different ethnicity to rest of family.

I always wondered about the 'other' embryo. And the 'real' mother?
Non of my business, but bloody hell, what a lot to deal with.

knittingaddict · 15/09/2021 19:24

[quote RedMarauder]@knittingaddict the swapped at birth kids have fathers as well as mothers.[/quote]
Good point. I should have said parents of children swapped at birth.

I suppose I meant that a woman always knows whether she's given birth to her child. It's not like you can give birth and not know, assuming it's not a mix up with insemination of course. But a natural conception and birth? It's always the women's child. It might not be the supposed father's though.

idontlikealdi · 15/09/2021 19:26

@QOD

Poor fella I’m currently on a surrogacy thread as a mum to a surrogate baby and whilst I don’t have a birth child to compare her to, I love her with every fibre of my being because she’s been mine since conception and birth 💗
I'm adopted, wasn't loved and wanted since conception and birth. There's so many variations on 'family'.
GeorgiaGirl52 · 15/09/2021 19:29

Happened in my town - two baby boys switched by hospital. One went home with birth couple, the other was an adoption surrender and went with army couple.
Six years later, birth couple divorcing and father demands DNA test. They discover the little boy they raised is not biologically theirs. Cancel divorce and start looking. But first, they go to court in Georgia and Adopt The Child they have raised. They they go ahead and find their biological son being raised in a nearby state. Lots of legal back-and-forth, but after three years they get their biological son back too. They raised the boys as twins. After all, they did have the same birthday.

steppemum · 15/09/2021 19:30

there is a very old case in Australia.
One mother always knew, but it took her about 10 years to prove it.
Pre DNA, and other family refused to do blood tests.
Finally blood tests were done and proved the babies had been swapped.

Once she proved she took it to court.
She wanted both children.
Legal custody of the child she had brought up AND her biological daughter returned to her!

To be honest I can understand where she is coming from!

For me, knowing my child was out there being brought up by someone else would break me.
But I love my kids, and would not give them over to anyone else for anything!

I cannot for th elife of me rememeber what happened to the 2 families in Australia. It caused absolute chaos and outrage in the community at the time.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 15/09/2021 19:31

I saw a TV movie about this (featuring Melissa Gilbert from Little House on the Prairie). In that case it was a hospital swap, the babies were toddlers, and the advice was to swap them and cut contact (they didn't).

I think I would feel the same, but I don't think a man could get custody on that basis.

Gwenhwyfar · 15/09/2021 19:33

@onethird

I saw a TV documentary a few years ago about two baby boys who were accidentally swapped at the hospital. They were in South Africa. One family was quite wealthy and the other was not. This meant one boy was being privately educated and getting many other opportunities and the other was not. when the families met up one birth mother really clicked with her biological child while the other two were more reserved and needed more time. I really felt for everyone involved. There were so many issues to deal with. I hope both families have found peace and happiness whatever they decided to do.
The most fascinating one I've seen is about two sets of twins in Latin America. The 'real' twins found each other by accident.

www.nytimes.com/2015/07/12/magazine/the-mixed-up-brothers-of-bogota.html

UpHillandDownAle · 15/09/2021 19:33

Many moons ago at university I was told that they estimated at that time that 10% of the human population don’t have the biological father they think they have. It was part of a lecture about mammal reproduction. Humans were classed as monogomous with the propensity to polygamy. DNA testing was available back then but not as widely as it is now.

Gwenhwyfar · 15/09/2021 19:34

@NigellaSeed

This has been covered on desperate housewives. You love your child, but you also love your biological child, you want to keep them both. Biological child will stay with their family. Then you get a doll and act like it's your baby and take it everywhere with you. Then a plane crashes into your street and you move on to the next thing.
Lol. Didn't Eva Longoria end up looking after both in the end?
Gwenhwyfar · 15/09/2021 19:34

@UpHillandDownAle

Many moons ago at university I was told that they estimated at that time that 10% of the human population don’t have the biological father they think they have. It was part of a lecture about mammal reproduction. Humans were classed as monogomous with the propensity to polygamy. DNA testing was available back then but not as widely as it is now.
I've heard this many times, but also heard that the 10% figure came from just one study of a village in Yorkshire...
DesertSky · 15/09/2021 19:34

@Noorandapples

I remember watching Swapped at Birth before I had children and not understanding why they kept the "wrong" kids. Surely they would yearn for their biological children? But now I'm a mum I would never, in a million years, give up my kids. Even if it turned out they weren't biologically mine, they would always be mine! Totally get it now.
Ditto x
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 15/09/2021 19:36

I can't even begin to imagine how I would feel
But as a woman i think it would be completely different.
I wouldn't have been betrayed, it wouldn't be infidelity. It would be a clinical error or a hospital mix up.

That's a totally different set of circumstances and emotions than a baby you thought was yours but isn't because your partner slept with another man and lied to you.

DontStepOnTheMomeRathz · 15/09/2021 19:39

Legal custody of the child she had brought up AND her biological daughter returned to her!

But what about the people who brought up the biological child? Did they put up a fight?

traumatisednoodle · 15/09/2021 19:39

MIL was convinced DH wasn't hers when she was presented with him (GA C - section in the 70's). Apparently she kept going on about for days in the hospital. Must have driven the staff crazy....

Thelittleweasel · 15/09/2021 19:40

@Orangejuicemarathoner

There is a [rebuttable] presumption that any child conceived during a marriage is legitimate [i e "husband's"] but the Guardian [a fairly sober newspaper] carried out research that one in twenty five is not!!

user1471457751 · 15/09/2021 19:40

@DesertSky @noorandapples I'm the opposite. Not a parent but can't for the life of me see why a parent would give up the child they have loved and raised since birth in favour for a stranger child just because of biology

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 15/09/2021 19:41

@UpHillandDownAle

Many moons ago at university I was told that they estimated at that time that 10% of the human population don’t have the biological father they think they have. It was part of a lecture about mammal reproduction. Humans were classed as monogomous with the propensity to polygamy. DNA testing was available back then but not as widely as it is now.
I think I read something similar. Did it say something about women choosing men that would provide and stick around to raise the children but men who have the 'best' genes to father them and it was instinct/subconscious, that sort of bollocks. I remember thinking how deeply misogynistic it was and seriously doubted that theory had any truth in it.
itsgoodtobehome · 15/09/2021 19:41

I had my first child naturally and longed for a second. It didn't happen. We did 2 rounds of IVF, but no luck. I was then offered the option of donor eggs which I turned down as I was convinced I wouldn't love the child as much as my 'own'. I regret it now, as I think I would have lived that child just the same. It's a bit late now, but I really think that I would have liked that child the same.

itsgoodtobehome · 15/09/2021 19:42

*loved in both typos!!

Cuddlyrottweiler · 15/09/2021 19:45

If it was a swap situation then I'd need both children. I love DS immensely, and I loved him the second I saw him, if those two boys aren't the same then I love them both and I need them both.
If it was some fertility treatment thing and DS wasn't conceived from my egg I'd feel angry and sick with the fertility people but DS is mine and nothing would ever change that.

Branleuse · 15/09/2021 19:46

it would be awful, but it wouldnt change my love for the child id raised, but id want to find the child that was out there that was biologically mine

QOD · 15/09/2021 19:46

Absolutely
I’m sorry and hope you and your adoptive family are as happy as we are 💐