If you discovered your child was not your child....

[Orangejuicemarathoner]

How would it affect you as a mother?

I'm asking, because of the recent experience of a (male) cousin - just having been informed by his ex that he is not the biological father of his daughter.- confirmed by DNA

He is now expected to turn his back and walk away from the child he has thought was is own for 8 years.

He isn't going to do that, and is still fighting for joint custody.

I know it is so much more unlikely for a mother to be told that, but not completely impossible, particularly with the wrong egg/fertility treatment scenario

But I've always thought it would be upsetting, of course, and leave a lot of questions that needed answering, but would not fundamentally change anything in our relationship.

I would not love my child any less, they would still be the child I had loved and raised for years.

Surely most women would feel that, so why is the expectation different for men?

YANBU- finding out I am not the biological parent of my child would not change my love for them

YABU- finding out I am not the biological parent of my child would change my love for them

If it was a swap situation then I'd need both children

But he has parents?

Sorry message was to you

I'm so sorry that this happen to your cousin. He must be devastated. But also the damage to the child must be huge too. How horrible.

Interestingly mum was given the wrong baby after my sister was born and knew it wasn’t hers (I mean the blue eyes were a give away as sis’s were brown at birth)
Sis was happily breast feeding with her other mother and mum had started bottle feeding ‘my sister’ who then opened her eyes … both babies happy as Larry.
Scary thought!

I look at my youngest and can see no evidence of me being his Mam, not one tiny bit of me in his features. If he hasn't been massively bigger than all the other babies on the ward I would wonder if he wasn't mine. I love the very bones of him, nothing could change that. All that love, the breastfeeding, the beautiful smell of his hair - no DNA test could change that.

I hope your cousin retains custody.

Flip side - my Dad isn’t my biological father, it was always suspected, I was made aware of this as a teenager, suspicion deepened when I was pregnant and my blood group is not compatible with my Dad being my BF. It categorically ruled him out. We discussed it and did a DNA test, came back negative. I know my BF is, I have no interest in him. It hasn’t affected my relationship with my Dad.

My mother, however I only found out because in a fit of alcohol and coke induced rage she decided to scream it at me when I was 13.

There's been a shocking case of two girls in Spain who were swapped during their NICU stay, some 20 years ago - so pretty recently.

One of the mothers has passed, and both families are dealing with so much trauma and questions, it's unbelievable something like this happened just a short time ago. I'm not much older than the girls and would be completely shocked to find out my parents weren't my parents. It must be so difficult for everyone involved. They also found out when they were 15/16, the story is coming to light as one of them is suing for damages. Imagine to find out you're not who you thought you were, right at the height of the teenage years.

Here the Guardian article on it, although it's not as exhaustive as the Spanish ones I have read, but you get the idea:

theguardian.com/world/2021/sep/07/spanish-woman-raised-by-wrong-family-seeks-damages-for-baby-swap-mistake

so why is the expectation different for men?

I don’t think the expectation is different, is it? I think it’s more like your cousin is experiencing, that the mother often holds it as a trump card in the case of relationship breakdown and prevents the man from seeing the child. The legal ‘expectation’ is the tricky thing.

But morally I don’t think there’s a different expectation. Of course fathers love the children they’ve parented.

No children here so I can't really imagine. I'd guess I'd want to keep the one that I'd raised, much as I'd be saddened that I couldn't have my biological child.

But all those who say that they'd have to have both children - surely if you loved the child you raised and he had that bond with you, and you wouldn't think it would be in his best interest to go back to his biological parents, you would assume that your biological child was also equally attached to their new parents and it wouldn't be in their interest to come back to you. And if you really wanted the best for them, you would accept that they had to stay with the new family. I can totally see why someone would want both children, but at the same time, there's a sort of arrogance to it, that they think that they are better parents that either child would be better off with them.

I agree peppermint but I wasn’t sure how to articulate it.

[quote Thelittleweasel]@Orangejuicemarathoner

There is a [rebuttable] presumption that any child conceived during a marriage is legitimate [i e "husband's"] but the Guardian [a fairly sober newspaper] carried out research that one in twenty five is not!![/quote]
One in twenty five!! My blood group is rhesus negative so in pregnancy I was supposed to be injected with something called anti D to protect the baby from antibodies - in case he / she is rhesus positive
I pointed out that my DH was also negative so surely I didn’t need this as my baby would be negative?
They said in theory yes - but “no offence we see too much in this hospital to be able to assume who the father is - so we assume nothing to protect the baby”.
So the only option was for me to refuse treatment and because I did that, my babies had to be tested immediately after birth to check that they were in fact negative. Thankfully they were or I might have had a question or two to answer

I remeber the switched at birth story-so sad that one of the girls died it was the way she found out because their blood groups didnt match-otherwise she'd be none the wiser

Hope your cousin gets custody i think his ex is evil to do that to him

There's a case in Italy of two girls born New Year's Eve, nurses distracted and got them muddled. One mother spotted a girl she thought looked remarkably like her other daughters and it all came out when girls were 3 decided to swap back but couldn't handle it so they all came together to raise both girls like sisters. A film is being made

In a swap situation, I don't think it would make a huge difference to me that my child wasn't biologically mine. You can't suddenly take back all the love and time you pour into your child or dissolve the bond between you.

I would be concerned about my biological child and I would want to know where they were living and that they were happy and cared for. But, assuming both families are loving and stable, it would clearly be best for both children to remain in the families which had raised them. I would try to have a good relationship with their parents though, so we might be able to develop an "auntie" type relationship with our biological children. I think that's what would be best for the children... to know that their biological parents love and care for them but to be able to stay in a familiar environment with the parents who have cared for them from birth.

In your cousin's situation, which is slightly different, there's no way I'd be relinquishing my parental relationship with a child I had raised for that long and I'd go to court if necessary to get contact.

So the only option was for me to refuse treatment and because I did that, my babies had to be tested immediately after birth to check that they were in fact negative. Thankfully they were or I might have had a question or two to answer

well, I would not have refused treatment - there is no way you could know for sure neither of you are a chimera

For 8 years the child has had a dad, it’s in the best interests for child to still have that relationship. When older obviously let them know the full story as you would with an adopted child.
I hate this ‘blood is family’ bollocks. Your family is the people who love you, care for you and are there for you whether it’s biological or not. Hope it goes well in court for him.

No denying our kids belong to DH and I. They look too much like us both!

If this were to happen though, I honestly don’t know how I would feel. I love my children completely and would never give them up but would I start to question things? Traits of theirs? Things we thought they got from us?

I do feel sorry for men when women (not many) throw the bomb of them not being the biological dad. Unless there was a mixup with the DNA when my parents conceived me, there is 0 chance my DDs aren’t mine. My DH relies on his trust in me not to cheat and the fact that our DDs both look like him. We could do a DNA test and only I know 100% it would say they were his.

I know it is so much more unlikely for a mother to be told that, but not completely impossible, particularly with the wrong egg/fertility treatment scenario

I know this isn’t really the point of this thread, but in the U.K. a child’s mother is the person who carried and birthed them regardless of genetic material. That relationship can of course be relinquished through adoption, but the discovery of a mix up with eggs in a fertility clinic wouldn’t change the relationship between mother and child.

If I carry a child conceived with another woman’s egg, they are my child until if / when I choose to relinquish my parental rights. There’s nothing the ‘owner’ of the egg can do to assert a claim of motherhood, from a legal perspective.

[quote user1471457751]**@DesertSky* @noorandapples* I'm the opposite. Not a parent but can't for the life of me see why a parent would give up the child they have loved and raised since birth in favour for a stranger child just because of biology[/quote]
That’s what we were both saying too

@steppemum

there is a very old case in Australia. One mother always knew, but it took her about 10 years to prove it. Pre DNA, and other family refused to do blood tests. Finally blood tests were done and proved the babies had been swapped.

Once she proved she took it to court.
She wanted both children.
Legal custody of the child she had brought up AND her biological daughter returned to her!

To be honest I can understand where she is coming from!

For me, knowing my child was out there being brought up by someone else would break me.
But I love my kids, and would not give them over to anyone else for anything!

I cannot for th elife of me rememeber what happened to the 2 families in Australia. It caused absolute chaos and outrage in the community at the time.

The mother petitioned for custody for both girls and won because the other mother was a wreck, had already lost custody of a child due to drug and drink issues. Otherwise child swap cases are shockingly common in Australia and NZ and they normally get resolved fairly quickly.

I think I would want to keep the one I raised? It's very different as a mother to a father though.

Good luck to your cousin though.

Happened to our niece, bil (dh brother) split with partner, very tumultuous relationship, both cheated. He did a dna test on all 3 children, turned out the youngest wasn’t his. He then refused to have anything to do with her, but still sees the older two. She was and still is heartbroken. We treat her no differently and still see all the children but I don’t speak to bil now.

@BelleOfTheProvince

He is now expected to turn his back and walk away from the child he has thought was is own for 8 years.

Why? Seems like an odd thing to do if he is emotionally invested in the child.

I don't know about child but I found out I wasn't related to a grandparent. I was upset about it at first and then kinda forgot. After all, said grandparent had done the role so why would I think differently.
DH sometime has to occasionally remind me I haven't inherited things like risk of disease from that side of the family because I forget a lot.

I wouldn't be giving up a heartfelt relationship without a fight.

Exactly. He's on the BC I assume so he is the father.

Genetics are just that. Not love.

my cousin got with a girl in high school, they got pregnant in their late teens and had DD1. first grandchild, adored by everyone, all 4 grandparents heavily involved in raising her so cousin and his GF could finish their education. They got married, had decent careers, bought a house and then had DD2 & DD3 when they were late 20s. They split when the younger 2 were toddlers and cousins wife told the then-15 year old that my cousin wasnt even her real dad anyway. DD1 told my cousin. Turns out it was true. He fought in court to see the younger 2, won 50/50 split. Older daughter he just never sees anymore. Nobody mentions her. At his request his parents cut her off. Its like she never existed. I'm unsure what DD to him and if this is her choice (as he literally doesnt acknowledge her existence) but he will tell you he only has 2 children and refers to her as "Xs daughter". Very odd when he raised her and was a fantastic dad for 15 years.

No it wouldn't.
Adopted parents love their children just as much as biological parents. Raising hem for years makes them "yours", IMO.

I hope he gets to still be involved with his child.