Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

DSS won't see me around my birthday?

80 replies

Hop27 · 15/09/2021 12:29

DSS's won't see me on or around my birthday. I've been in his life since he was a baby and our relationship is mostly good. It can be difficult at times during periods driven by his mum when things aren't going her way - which they aren't right now.
We are going out for lunch on my birthday, we planned together as a family and booked somewhere we all want to go, he no longer wants to come.
We are having a small party at the weekend with a teen friendly activity, with his cousins (same age) which we've done previously, offered him to bring mates, he no longer wants to come.
AUBU to have been a step mum for over 10 years and for my feelings not to be considered?

OP posts:

Kanaloa · 15/09/2021 12:31

I mean I see why you would be upset but he doesn’t want to come. I would expect him still to come to lunch if he’s with you that day, but not the party/activity if he doesn’t want to.

Now he’s a teen less and less will be done with family - I wouldn’t expect my son who is almost teenage to bring his mates to my birthday party.

Usernameismyname01 · 15/09/2021 12:31

maybe get his dad to have a word with him and find out why?

Wole · 15/09/2021 12:31

Is he a teen? Teens can be funny and not get the importance of sometimes doing things even if you don't want to.

Kanaloa · 15/09/2021 12:32

And if it is being driven by his mum, which it may or may not be, pushing things will only make things harder for him at home.

Palavah · 15/09/2021 12:35

How old is he?

I'm tempted to say it's an invitation, not a summons.

LittleOwl153 · 15/09/2021 12:37

If he's with you that day he comes. If he isn't he doesn't. Clearly his mum is playing games and he is in the middle right now so I'd try to back off and not take it personally.

Ozanj · 15/09/2021 12:55

He shouldn’t get a choice if he’s supposed to be with you anyway. This is what you’re doing end of and he can lump it. But yeah if he’s supposed to be with his Mum on the day he has every right to decline if he wants.

SoupDragon · 15/09/2021 12:59

He shouldn’t get a choice if he’s supposed to be with you anyway

That simply isn't true when they get older. Contact becomes far more flexible.

Original poster

Hop27 · 15/09/2021 13:40

It's 'our' weekend, we made plans to include him which will now impact what we want to do.

OP posts:

noprofessional · 15/09/2021 13:43

I don't think he should be made to feel guilty especially if his mum has a history of making trouble.
You're the adult. You're more able to let things go and move on. It's just a birthday.

Wingedharpy · 15/09/2021 13:49

What about his feelings?
He doesn't want to come.
Sounds like he's "piggy in the middle", poor kid.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 15/09/2021 13:53

I would take the opportunity to go and do something adult if I were you - win win! Book a nice restaurant, have cocktails.

My DSSs don't even acknowledge my birthday most years so I wouldn't expect them to come out for it.

esloquehay · 15/09/2021 13:53

Ah, yet another SM blaming the BM...🙄
YABU to have this expectation of a) a DSS and b) a teenager.
Leave it with DSS's father to get to the bottom of this.

BananaPB · 15/09/2021 13:57

Is this the first time he's done this around your birthday? If not, what made you think this year might be different ?

Which end of the teens is he ?

Bayleaf25 · 15/09/2021 14:01

I think it depends on how old he is - maybe he could come to either the meal or the party but not both (just thinking about how my own older teens would much rather be with their friends than family and one birthday event is probably quite enough for them).

LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 15/09/2021 14:02

If this is a pattern of behaviour its unfair to blame your DSS, he is either being influenced, or he is picking up on the difficulties between you and his mum and is siding with his mum.

Chloemol · 15/09/2021 14:06

If it’s your weekend he gets no choice, he comes

Crunchymum · 15/09/2021 14:08

DSS's won't see me on or around my birthday

@Hop27 for clarity are we just talking about this year? Or has it happened before?

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/09/2021 14:09

@esloquehay

Ah, yet another SM blaming the BM...🙄 YABU to have this expectation of a) a DSS and b) a teenager. Leave it with DSS's father to get to the bottom of this.

If you’re going to play step mum bashing bingo you must already know a lot of your fellow tribe find BM highly triggering. But nice try.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/09/2021 14:11

What’s he going to be doing instead OP? Staying at his mum’s? How does him not coming impact on your plans, do you mean that other children are meant to be coming and if he’s not there it’ll be awkward?

If he’s not coming at all for the weekend I’d cancel the plans and do something different you couldn’t do if he was with you, a night away?

Notonthestairs · 15/09/2021 14:14

You won't find anything positive in making him come along - regardless of whether he's your son or stepson. Enforced attendance is more likely to make him swing away from you.

I'd rejig your plans for another weekend and plan a fun adult treat without him.

As posters have written it looks like he's trapped between significant figures in his life which is difficult as an adult to navigate let alone as a teenager.

2Hot2Handle · 15/09/2021 14:18

Sounds like an education requirement to me. His dad ideally needs to pull him to one side and explain that as a family, we do things for each other, including celebrating special occasions like birthdays together. You’ve no doubt been involved in birthday presents and celebrations for your DSS. Having known you all his life, you are a parent to him and should be treated like an equal member of the family, assuming you’ve taken a hands-on and “not sit” back role in his life.
Sometimes we don’t want to do things, but we do them for those we love, because it’s about give and take. Teens sometimes need to be taught and reminded about the give part. Ask his dad to talk to him about it.

LittleOwl153 · 15/09/2021 14:24

To me it depends on where it leaves your plans and if you have any other kids involved.

If he's at your house when you leave for the meal then I'd assume he'll come. If it would just be the 3 of you and you'd rather do something else if it's just 2 of you then I'd change plan. However my plans would not revolve around him.

Clearly the second activity is around him and his cousins. If this is booked and paid for I would tell him he is coming as his cousins want to see him and that's the end of it. If it isn't booked then again if it suits you to ditch it - and it won't cause problems with the cousins/aunts/uncles - then ditch it. But don't ditch it and then sit around at home babysitting a teenager. Do something you want to do Nd expect your dh to come too. If the stroppy teen cannot be left at home then he will have to come or go back to his mums.

Confused102 · 15/09/2021 14:25

His dad needs to speak to him to find out the reason. If it's down to being a teen, then that doesn't cut it. On MN, you can get away being the most selfish, entitled brat and it's fine because you are a teen. If it's due to a difficult situation with his mum, then maybe cut him some slack. He would be caught in the middle.

PascowV · 15/09/2021 14:26

This doesn't sound particularly unexpected for a teenage boy.

I'd leave it. Don't try and guilt trip him.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread