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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSS won't see me around my birthday?

80 replies

Hop27 · 15/09/2021 12:29

DSS's won't see me on or around my birthday. I've been in his life since he was a baby and our relationship is mostly good. It can be difficult at times during periods driven by his mum when things aren't going her way - which they aren't right now.
We are going out for lunch on my birthday, we planned together as a family and booked somewhere we all want to go, he no longer wants to come.
We are having a small party at the weekend with a teen friendly activity, with his cousins (same age) which we've done previously, offered him to bring mates, he no longer wants to come.
AUBU to have been a step mum for over 10 years and for my feelings not to be considered?

OP posts:
LittleGwyneth · 15/09/2021 14:28

I think custody gets really hard when teenagers are getting older and they no-longer want to spend lots of time with either parent at the weekend. I would be hurt too, but I think it might be one of those sad moments where you have to accept that teenagers draw away from their parents. It's nice that he feels secure enough in his relationship with you to be able to be honest.

diddl · 15/09/2021 14:32

@Hop27

It's 'our' weekend, we made plans to include him which will now impact what we want to do.
Why ?

Will someone have to stay with him?

Freddiefox · 15/09/2021 14:32

If it’s you weekend what does he want to do instead?

Freddiefox · 15/09/2021 14:32

Your

thefourgp · 15/09/2021 14:37

Why will it impact what you want to do? Can’t you just leave him at home or with his mum? It might taint your fun having a sulky moody teenager who doesn’t want to be there around.

MagnoliaBeige · 15/09/2021 14:53

I’d not make him come but I’d equally not let it impact on my plans. If that means he comes on a different weekend then so be it but I wouldn’t alter my plans if they are reasonable for him to join in with and he just doesn’t want to, for whatever reason.

SoupDragon · 15/09/2021 14:53

@Chloemol

If it’s your weekend he gets no choice, he comes
That simply isn't true.
Singlebutmarried · 15/09/2021 15:15

Well how old is he?

10 and no he can’t really be left at home, 15 and he totally can be left at home.

If he was your child he’d have to come along no?

Pallisers · 15/09/2021 15:21

Presuming he is old enough to be left at home and if it is on your weekend and he is there just say as you leave for lunch "we'd love you to come - sure you don't fancy it?" and if he refuses tell him there is food in the fridge is he needs it. then go and tell him later you missed him.

Ditto with the get together with cousins - have his dad ask him again if he is sure he doesn't want to join you all and then go and tell him everyone missed him.

it isn't that unusual for a teen not to want to join in - or cut off their nose to spite their face.

esloquehay · 15/09/2021 16:03

@AnneLovesGilbert, I'm a SM as well as BM. I don't have a tribe, but use perhaps used BM erroneously here, as I have been involved in fostering, as well.
Not bashing SMs, but there does seem to be a lot of BM bashing from SMs on threads I've read.
🤷

SoupDragon · 15/09/2021 16:37

[quote esloquehay]@AnneLovesGilbert, I'm a SM as well as BM. I don't have a tribe, but use perhaps used BM erroneously here, as I have been involved in fostering, as well.
Not bashing SMs, but there does seem to be a lot of BM bashing from SMs on threads I've read.
🤷[/quote]
It's just "mother".

esloquehay · 15/09/2021 19:19

@SoupDragon, I kind of think it's actually okay to have different approaches, but thanks for your super helpful contribution. 👍

girlmom21 · 15/09/2021 19:26

Kids aren't that bothered about adults birthdays 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Hop27 · 15/09/2021 21:28

He's 13 so can't really be left for long periods. DH will end up having to leave party and lunch early to collect him from school / friends. Original plan was for him to have the day off school. (It's the last day before the holidays)

OP posts:
HeartvsBrain · 16/09/2021 07:09

I actually hated it if my parents kept me off school for the last day before a school break, as that is one of the school days that I always enjoyed, and it was also a time to make plans with your friends for during the break.
If he is due to be with you that weekend anyway, can he not join in after school (if he wants to)? Also, are all his cousins having time off for your birthday as well then OP - is it a very special birthday?

Hercisback · 16/09/2021 07:13

Mega drip feed!!

Of course he should be in school that day. Don't arrange things for kids to attend during term time.

Sirzy · 16/09/2021 07:16

You where taking him off school to celebrate your birthday? No wonder he doesn’t want to be involved.

For a 13 year old adult birthdays, especially when seemingly rather OTT, are rarely going to be their idea of fun!

toomuchlaundry · 16/09/2021 07:17

Seems strange to take a teenager out of school for an adult’s birthday

Decorhate · 16/09/2021 07:21

You wanted to take him out of school to go to your birthday lunch? That’s a ridiculous thing to do. He’s far more sensible than you & his father.

HugeAckmansWife · 16/09/2021 07:22

Last day of term before Xmas hols? No way would he want to miss school for an adult birthday or activity unless it was something incredibly unusual and a one off. This isnt about you, it's about him, his mates and possibly his mum not wanting him to miss term but I'd be with her on that.

sirfredfredgeorge · 16/09/2021 07:22

A teenager would really have to hate to school to want to be taken out for a lunch with a lot of middle aged people.

Especially as it sounds like you think he can't be left to do what he wants much anyway, as think a 13 year old needs picking up from school 'cos he can't be left alone for along? He probably gets rather a lot of hanging out with middle aged people, and needs some independence.

Wole · 16/09/2021 07:26

@Hop27

He's 13 so can't really be left for long periods. DH will end up having to leave party and lunch early to collect him from school / friends. Original plan was for him to have the day off school. (It's the last day before the holidays)
Of course he'd rather be with his mates and have the last day off before the holidays with them.
Wole · 16/09/2021 07:27

*last day of school

You don't take a kid out of school for someone's birthday unless maybe it's an 70+ milestone or they don't have long left.

mickeysminnie · 16/09/2021 07:27

Maybe you and his mum should just grow up and stop using your dss as a tool in a power play.
You're a grown adult, why do you need him to come to your birthday. You sound like you're 5! Confused

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 16/09/2021 07:28

He should be able to go to school and then when dh picks him up he can join in your party. If it's at your house that's where he will be anyway.