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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSS won't see me around my birthday?

80 replies

Hop27 · 15/09/2021 12:29

DSS's won't see me on or around my birthday. I've been in his life since he was a baby and our relationship is mostly good. It can be difficult at times during periods driven by his mum when things aren't going her way - which they aren't right now.
We are going out for lunch on my birthday, we planned together as a family and booked somewhere we all want to go, he no longer wants to come.
We are having a small party at the weekend with a teen friendly activity, with his cousins (same age) which we've done previously, offered him to bring mates, he no longer wants to come.
AUBU to have been a step mum for over 10 years and for my feelings not to be considered?

OP posts:
Wole · 16/09/2021 07:28

@Hop27

He's 13 so can't really be left for long periods. DH will end up having to leave party and lunch early to collect him from school / friends. Original plan was for him to have the day off school. (It's the last day before the holidays)
And you were planning on letting him bring some mates? So they'd be missing school too? For their friend's stepmum's birthday..no way.
CeeceeBloomingdale · 16/09/2021 07:28

I'm with your DSS, he should be in school. I wouldn't keep mine off on their own birthdays let alone someone else's! 13 year olds are capable of being alone for quite long periods too, I have left mine all day at that age. Unless there's another waterfall of a drip feed coming.

Willyoujustbequiet · 16/09/2021 07:32

Shocked at the couple of posters who are saying he has no choice and he should be made to. That's disgusting. Ever heard of consent? He's 13 fgs.

Also those immediately suggesting it's the mums fault for interfering. Coming across as bitter much Hmm

I'm not surprised he doesn't want to take a day of school for his step mums birthday. What on earth are you thinking?

MzHz · 16/09/2021 07:45

I wouldn’t want you taking my ds out of school for your birthday and seemingly neither does your dss mum. Neither does dss himself.

You (meaning you and dss dad) can’t just make those kinds of decisions for things like this.

You could do something on the weekend with him, but personally as much as I adore my own ds, if a chance came to celebrate my birthday with my partner because with life etc being busy, having time as an adult with my partner and without having to worry about ds.

You mention dss mum being difficult when things aren’t going her way, which they aren’t now - what else is going on?

I don’t think dss should take time out of school for your birthday or either of his parents birthdays either.

girlmom21 · 16/09/2021 07:52

I'm not surprised his mom is pissed off if you wanted to take him out of school for the day for your birthday. That's just bizarre.

Notonthestairs · 16/09/2021 08:47

I have a 13 year old. I'd assume he's in Yr 9. Pretty much everything revolves around their friends at that age. The last day of term is often a combination of fun stuff and reminders around homework set for the holidays. At our school options are chosen in January so we will be keeping a close eye on homework etc.

You will have the school holidays to celebrate with him if that is important to you.

But it's not a good idea to force him out of school against his wishes so that you can have a lunch party.

ChurchWCat · 16/09/2021 08:55

Last day of school is a fun doss day where everyone has a laugh, watches films instead of learning, and plays games.

I don't think you should force him to miss it if he wants to be there.

I don't think a family member's birthday lunch is a good reason to miss school.

Especially if they don't want to.

heldinadream · 16/09/2021 09:23

You want a 13 year old boy to consider your feelings?
Have you met one? Grin
It's the parental job to batter your head against that particular brick wall until it shifts and they become civilised human beings, which, if you're lucky, is maybe 10 years later.
Don't take this personally ffs! He's treating you like he would any other old boring person - which means you've been a successful step-mother.

Horst · 16/09/2021 09:48

You wanted to take him out of school for your an adults birthday. Really I mean can’t you just do what even children have to do and celebrate on the Saturday.

I don’t even let mine have the day off for their own birthdays let alone an adults birthday. It’s the last day of term before Christmas for a secondary school child that’s one of the best days of school, it’s a rather chilled day, the teachers are all in the Christmas mood, children are talking plans with each other to meet up over the holidays. Often they get to finish an hour or two early and sometimes important work is set depending on year group.

Notimeforaname · 16/09/2021 10:02

So weird. No, let the child go to school if that's what they want.

BananaPB · 16/09/2021 10:25

Now that you've given more detail then you are even more unreasonable that I first thought. I assumed a weekend celebration. Is it possible to change it to a dinner so he can go to school as normal?

Original poster
Hop27 · 16/09/2021 11:16

Just to be clear. 6 weeks ago we discussed as a family to go to this restaurant for lunch as a family. DSS is a huge foodie and we've been working our way through the 15 best places to eat in your city. This was on his hit list not mine, so we booked it. (DH and I have been previously)
I'd happily move it to an evening dinner at our local pub or a takeout. But the issue is he won't come, to anything.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 16/09/2021 11:27

@Hop27

Just to be clear. 6 weeks ago we discussed as a family to go to this restaurant for lunch as a family. DSS is a huge foodie and we've been working our way through the 15 best places to eat in your city. This was on his hit list not mine, so we booked it. (DH and I have been previously) I'd happily move it to an evening dinner at our local pub or a takeout. But the issue is he won't come, to anything.
But why's it an issue? He doesn't care that it's your birthday. He's 13. Cancel your booking if you don't want to go there.
MsPavlichenko · 16/09/2021 11:32

He’s 13, it is what they do regardless of parent/step parent status. More avoiding to come in my experience. Don’t make it a big deal and to be honest it shouldn’t be. In my opinion he could be left for the duration of a lunch at home or a pal’s house (they will increasingly be his priority).

Change the restaurant if you fancy somewhere else. The less fuss you make the better. He may change his mind and come. Or not. Don’t make it a thing.

diddl · 16/09/2021 11:32

He'd rather be in school for the last day before the holidays.

I'm really surprised that someone would take their kid out of school for a birthday lunch!

Well, now you can enjoy lunch nowing that he is safe at school!

Notaroadrunner · 16/09/2021 11:37

@Hop27

Just to be clear. 6 weeks ago we discussed as a family to go to this restaurant for lunch as a family. DSS is a huge foodie and we've been working our way through the 15 best places to eat in your city. This was on his hit list not mine, so we booked it. (DH and I have been previously) I'd happily move it to an evening dinner at our local pub or a takeout. But the issue is he won't come, to anything.
I can't believe you are making such a bloody fuss about your dss not wanting to go to your birthday party - it makes you sound like a child yourself. If it's a school day how can other kids his age be going? Do you expect others to take their kids out of school too? Sounds like your dss is the only sensible person in this scenario. Book dinner out for yourself and Dh in the evening instead and leave dss to go to school.
Sirzy · 16/09/2021 11:49

Well book a meal where you want to go with your Dh and stop making a fuss!

MzHz · 16/09/2021 11:52

@MsPavlichenko

He’s 13, it is what they do regardless of parent/step parent status. More avoiding to come in my experience. Don’t make it a big deal and to be honest it shouldn’t be. In my opinion he could be left for the duration of a lunch at home or a pal’s house (they will increasingly be his priority).

Change the restaurant if you fancy somewhere else. The less fuss you make the better. He may change his mind and come. Or not. Don’t make it a thing.

I’d agree with this

Shrug it off, celebrate your own birthday however you want without him in the mix

You offered, that’s all you’re required to do

MzHz · 16/09/2021 11:55

“As a family”

Who ELSE is going to be there?

Chloemol · 16/09/2021 11:58

Sorry if he is not old enough to be left in his own, he comes, or swaps weekends

Your dh should not have to leave to accommodate him and spoil the meal

Sirzy · 16/09/2021 12:02

@Chloemol

Sorry if he is not old enough to be left in his own, he comes, or swaps weekends

Your dh should not have to leave to accommodate him and spoil the meal

What he shouldn’t have to plan to pick his own son up from school on the day he is due to pick him up?

The OP has chosen to have her meal out at lunchtime on a school day. They have school run responsibilities whether they make that choice or not!

ToastieSnowy · 16/09/2021 12:11

You want a 13 year old boy to consider your feelings?
Have you met one? Grin

This. Teens are naturally focused on themselves and their own life which is usually Xbox, hobby, mates. Don’t take him out of school for the last day, that’s a good day for him and his mates. Not surprised if his mum isn’t happy about that one.

If it helps I once took my teen DS to a restaurant and he refused to eat because I looked at him. Teens defy logic at times.

BananaPB · 16/09/2021 12:11

Can you ask him directly ? Since he said ok to the current booking, I think it's fine to ask what has changed. Did he not realise it was a weekday and he'd miss school ?

Dss I want to celebrate my birthday on X. What time would suit you best ? Are the cousins a similar age to him?

On the last day of term here pupils walk home via McDonalds or KFC and the teachers give out chocolate so it's a lazy day.

Notonthestairs · 16/09/2021 12:13

"I'd happily move it to an evening dinner at our local pub or a takeout. But the issue is he won't come, to anything."

Then rearrange to local pub/takeout - you have lots of notice. If he comes to the pub great, if not don't let it spoil your evening.

I don't understand why you'd need to take him out of school.

Wole · 16/09/2021 12:19

Why do you care so much? I don't mean that in a rude way but why is this an issue for you?

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