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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please tell me about working full time with young children, I'm having a panic.

99 replies

Hdieonfjc · 15/09/2021 12:16

So atm I work 8.30-2.30, my DD has just started reception and is 4 and I have just been offered (and accepted) a much better job but full time hours.

It was always important to me that I picked my DD up from school atleast 1 or 2 days a week but obviously that won't be possible with this new job, my DD loves school and it's a very small village school who run a fantastic breakfast and aftershock club so I have no worries that she will be happy and looked after but the mum guilt is killing me. I keep thinking there won't be time to spend quality time with her around work and looking after the house and I know lots of people work full time with young children so would please love some reassurance that I am doing the right thing.

I do have a partner who also works full time but neither of our jobs will be a fantastic wage so I don't think there will be extra money for cleaner or anything although I do plan to start online shopping. I would love any other tips people have to help me manage my time between being a mum and working and not feel like I don't spend any time with DD

Thank you

OP posts:
Bobsyer · 15/09/2021 12:19

It’ll be fine.

Ask yourself this OP - has your partner ever worried that he doesn’t spend enough time with his child because he doesn’t pick her up from school?

PrincessNutella · 15/09/2021 12:26

Parenting isn't just hugs and kisses. It's also giving children a home for children to live in and food for them to eat. Feel pride in your role as a provider. That will help.

Marni83 · 15/09/2021 12:29

Do you absolutely have to go back?

I found full time with children meant that I felt I was constantly chasing my tail. And weekends were always quite full on catching up.

Life feels so much more pleasure able part time

Wole · 15/09/2021 12:29

You will be a great role model for your DD

RoseAddict · 15/09/2021 12:30

It’s not easy working with young kids but it’s worth it in the long run. I try and give them cuddles in bed if I’ve not connected much in the day, don’t clean in the week other than the washing up/ dishwasher & quick wipe down in the kitchen etc buy enough school clothes/ pants etc to last 5 days in case I don’t manage any laundry in the week.

Balonzette · 15/09/2021 12:34

It will be FINE. As soon as you're used to it, you won't even remember what you were worried about.

sjxoxo · 15/09/2021 12:35

I’m worrying about work/kids too but not at the same stage as you. I’m pregnant with our first and planning on stopping work for a year.. then… we’ll see. I like my job but I’m already anticipating feeling torn and very very guilty and I’m dreading the day I have to choose what to do. My mum worked full time, I had a childminder, she was lovely but I missed my mum. I feel it’s affected my relationship with her and she’s never really had the time for me. We have no shared activities and I really want to have a better ‘friendship’ with my son than my mum and I had/still have. Honestly I think if I can afford to stay off I will, for as long as possible. I actually remember two phases where I missed my mums presence the most- when I was really young - like nursery to year 3, and then teenager- 14-16. I think I’d have been happier if she worked part time. It’s very hard to say what’s right as I do wonder perhaps even if she’d been there maybe it wouldn’t have been the relationship I longed for? Interested to read all the thoughts on this thread xox

sjxoxo · 15/09/2021 12:41

@Wole This is true- my mums’ career taught me we can achieve whatever we like and to not hold back etc. She is also a staunch feminist, common now but when I was 5 not so much! But actually there’s other things in life I feel very unprepared for… sounds silly but we always had help, cleaner gardener etc and now at 30 I watch videos on how to do these chores as I’ve literally never really been taught or seen how to manage these!! I also feel that the real world is not this feminist ideal my mum believes in; working with men was a shock to me comments, behaviour etc and I feel poorly equipped for this reality even now having worked for years. So in some ways yes she is/was a great strong role model, in other ways I think it’s left me a bit high & dry. I suppose the ideal is to do both the modern woman part and the other more ‘old fashioned’ part but she had zero time xo

TeachesOfPeaches · 15/09/2021 12:47

Have a look on the SAHM threads and apparently working full time with small children is much easier than being at home and you should be grateful for the opportunity Grin

hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 15/09/2021 12:55

It will be fine OP. Hard, but fine. What will your hours be? Will she eat breakfast and dinner at the school club? If you’re giving her dinner at home then I can only recommend prep, prep, prep.

Do a bit of batch cooking at the weekend. Don’t worry if some meals are ‘oven food’ ie fish fingers etc. Be kind to yourself! Yes to online food shopping. Meal plan also.

Organisation! Have EVERYTHING ready the night before. Also, I don’t know what your job is, but if at all possible to not do any work once you’re finished for the day, at home, don’t.

Good luck. It will be ok. Flowers

Original poster
Hdieonfjc · 15/09/2021 13:22

Thank you for all your replies.

To answer a couple questions

Yes and no to do I have to do it, the job I'm in now I'm looking at redundancy in the next few months and I cant afford to not work, also the job I have been offered, whilst not brilliant pay now (although still a substantial amount more than I'm on now) has so much progression and opportunity for the future and its a highly desired place to work for, jobs are like hens teeth so I really feel I would be stupid to turn it down.

Yes to organising! Not my strong point but I do love a good spreadsheet so will be making some of those. I have already told my partner things needs to change as I do 80% of housework atm and 100% of other things (doctors appointments, general planning of activities and things) so I have told him he needs to step up (which was of course met with "but I already do so much to help you")

@TeachesOfPeaches your comment really made me laugh thank you Smile

I want to be able to do it all but equally understand its not possible and my biggest fear is my DD looking back and thinking mummy was never there or that I didn't care Sad

OP posts:
MattyGroves · 15/09/2021 13:24

Can you compress your hours to finish early one day to do pick up?

Wole · 15/09/2021 13:32

I want to be able to do it all but equally understand its not possible and my biggest fear is my DD looking back and thinking mummy was never there or that I didn't care

When she's older and realises things cost money she will appreciate you going out and earning more. If you can afford a cleaner for an hour or 2 a week that might free up some time?

Wole · 15/09/2021 13:32

You'd probably also have to just let some of the housework go a bit. Ie. Vacuuming once every 2 weeks instead of every week

idontlikealdi · 15/09/2021 13:34

I'd did 4 days a week when mine first started, I realise it's not possible for all roles. Weirdly now they're older the time at home seems more important to chat through stuff when than they were tiny.

You're doing what you need to do to provide a life. Don't feel guilty about it.

Delatron · 15/09/2021 13:36

The only way I have seen this work is when the DH pulls his weight 50:50. Do not take on ‘wife work’ do not devalue all the things that take time; school admin, washing, putting away washing, cleaning, cooking etc etc. Divy it all out equally.

Mombie2021 · 15/09/2021 13:37

I went full time when my DC were 8/6 and just turned 1 - couldn’t afford not to.

The extra money paid for a cleaner once a week.

Which meant I just had to do the basics and made my weekend time a lot calmer.

DGFB · 15/09/2021 13:39

My tips:
Online shopping
Meal planning
Simple meals during the week (they can still be healthy!)
Get a cleaner - a must from my point of view
Ensure DH pulls his weight with dishwasher etc
Put a load of laundry in before you go to work and tumble dryer it at night. Put away on a weekend
Still lots of time for your DD

PersonaNonGarter · 15/09/2021 13:40

OP, it really sounds as if you think this is your problem and not your DHs.

Each of you must acknowledge and accept equal share of the domestic chores and family chores now you will both be working full time.

FloconDeNeige · 15/09/2021 13:44

Don’t go part time OP if you don’t really want to. It’s known to hamper women’s progress in the workplace, career possibilities and pension.

I work full-time. Managerial, technical role (pharma), frequent international travel. Long-term ex-pat so no family in the country (Switzerland). DS1 just started year 1 and DS2 is in crèche.

The key is organisation and routine. And a supportive partner. In the morning we eat breakfast together then DH drops them off. We’ll collect them typically around 5pm and when they come home we’ll play a game together before eating dinner and having a bath. Bedtime then consists of a story each and reflection on the day with a sticker journal with DS1. (DS2 sticks the stickers on himself Confused). Then lights out.

Rinse, repeat.

I feel the time we spend together is good quality and am a better parent for having my career too. I have zero guilt. It works for us and I’m happy that I’m doing the best I can (for the most part!)

Delatron · 15/09/2021 13:47

Just think about it. Is your DP making lists, working out how to cope? Is your DP meal planning, thinking about putting a load of washing on before bed so everything is done? Is he responding to birthday invites, buying presents,
making sure there’s clean uniforms, remembering mufty day Etc etc.

I sometimes think women are our own worst enemy by pretending the sheer volume of all this plus a full time job is easy. It’s not.

Not to say don’t do it. But don’t underestimate all the other life crap that needs to get done.
Someone needs to be doing that outside a working day. Don’t let it be you doing most of it by default.

Milkbottlelegs · 15/09/2021 13:47

also the job I have been offered, whilst not brilliant pay now (although still a substantial amount more than I'm on now)

Are you sure you can’t afford a cleaner for a couple of hours a week?

Stompythedinosaur · 15/09/2021 13:49

The main thing is to make sure your partner is doing half the childcare and housework! Too easy to slip into you doing more when you have previously been part time.

It's perfectly fine both working full time if your partner pulls their weight.

FloconDeNeige · 15/09/2021 13:49

Having a cleaner isn’t a requirement. We don’t have one as I prefer stuff done my way.

With most people out all day, the house doesn’t get very dirty anyway.

happytoday73 · 15/09/2021 13:59

We found a childminder rather than after school club...for each morning and 3 after school...
This was great as she a) fed children breakfast and evening meal those nights b) did some reading or homework with each child once a week.not all do this but it was great.
My parents picked up one day... And used to cook us all a meal together... Saved us loads of time that evening plus less visits to relatives at weekend.
Definitely shop online.
Can you take shorter lunches, slightly longer days for one early finish a week. If not can your husband?
You definitely need a family planner on wall by door... Send photo of it to DH so when he asks you can say... See planner!