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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please tell me about working full time with young children, I'm having a panic.

99 replies

Hdieonfjc · 15/09/2021 12:16

So atm I work 8.30-2.30, my DD has just started reception and is 4 and I have just been offered (and accepted) a much better job but full time hours.

It was always important to me that I picked my DD up from school atleast 1 or 2 days a week but obviously that won't be possible with this new job, my DD loves school and it's a very small village school who run a fantastic breakfast and aftershock club so I have no worries that she will be happy and looked after but the mum guilt is killing me. I keep thinking there won't be time to spend quality time with her around work and looking after the house and I know lots of people work full time with young children so would please love some reassurance that I am doing the right thing.

I do have a partner who also works full time but neither of our jobs will be a fantastic wage so I don't think there will be extra money for cleaner or anything although I do plan to start online shopping. I would love any other tips people have to help me manage my time between being a mum and working and not feel like I don't spend any time with DD

Thank you

OP posts:
hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 15/09/2021 14:06

I agree about DH. Part of the reason I went part time (sad to say!) is because my DH just didn’t do enough. It stresses me out so much. I actually enjoy working PT more anyway to be fair.

But set ground rules with your DH now!!! If you’re both working FT, it should be 50/50.

Brainwave89 · 15/09/2021 14:23

I returned to work after a year for both my kids, and worked full time after this point. At the time I was doing it there were times when I felt a degree of guilt, and were some school events I missed etc. I got guilt tripped on occasion by in laws/parents, and sadly by other mums. Now they are all grown up, I think I made the best decision, both for me and them. The extra revenue gave them life chances they otherwise would not have had, and particularly as I got older, the external reference points allowed me a good perspective on any issues developing in their lives and my reflection is that it is quality of time rather than absolute time which is relevant. Also, in terms of their life skills, in my view they benefited from more social time with other children and adults outside of direct family.

notanothertakeaway · 15/09/2021 14:33

I'd suggest start as you mean to go on

Until now, perhaps you've been doing more chores, if you've been working PT

But when you go FT, don't fall in to the trap of continuing to do more of the chores, hoping your DP will up his game in future

From the outset, make sure that you're both doing your fair share of cooking, cleaning, taking to kids parties etc

Nailingnow · 15/09/2021 14:40

@PrincessNutella

Parenting isn't just hugs and kisses. It's also giving children a home for children to live in and food for them to eat. Feel pride in your role as a provider. That will help.
This is great.
Marni83 · 15/09/2021 15:14

This argument was said to me Many times went I returned to work
And then went full time

It’s bollox!

I had a stay at home mum. She was a WONDERFUL role model.
I went on to university and then 3 years of professional exams and then a very senior role in finance.

Now I’m a professionally successful single mother.

I look back on my childhood full of happiness.

My daughter is so so much happier now I’m part time.

Children don’t give a fig about whether their parent is doing well at work. It’s about… are they there for me, not stressed, and got my favourite snacks in!

The role model talk is how we as working mothers assuage any guilt we may feel.

It’s not the reality of a child

Marni83 · 15/09/2021 15:15

The “role model” argument that is

WandaVision2 · 15/09/2021 15:18

The biggest help for me is hiring a cleaner. It means weekends are for family time and days out.

AnnaDyne · 15/09/2021 15:19

no that's bollocks. The role model thing is definitely not how we assuage our guilt at all. It's one very valid advantage of being a working mother.

As with everything it's a list of pros and cons. The starting point is NOT that it's better for the child to stay at home.

WandaVision2 · 15/09/2021 15:20

@Marni83 did your wonderful mother ever teach you the saying that starts ‘if you don’t have anything useful to say………….’

ineedaholidayandwine · 15/09/2021 15:21

Can you compress your hours to finish early one day to do pick up?

This, i work later Mon-Thur and finish at 3 on Friday so can have some mummy/daughter time. I just take a break to go collect her from after school club then resume work once home while she plays

How about a cleaner once a fortnight, again thats what i do, i keep on top of things (wiping sides, hoover, occasional mop with the flash mop, bleach toilets) then they come and give everything a proper clean (such as cleaning cupboard doors, dusting, proper clean of the hob, any glass/metal lightshades/windows, scrub toilets and sinks)

Marni83 · 15/09/2021 15:22

[quote WandaVision2]@Marni83 did your wonderful mother ever teach you the saying that starts ‘if you don’t have anything useful to say………….’[/quote]
It’s a discussion thread on AIBU

I’m not criticising the op

I’m criticising the daft “role model” argument that is spouted

Marni83 · 15/09/2021 15:23

I work part time. My daughter has the same respect for me than when I was full time

Difference is… she sees me more and is happier

WandaVision2 · 15/09/2021 15:24

@Marni83 but you are suggesting the OP’s daughter will be unhappier if the OP works full time

Marni83 · 15/09/2021 15:27

[quote WandaVision2]@Marni83 but you are suggesting the OP’s daughter will be unhappier if the OP works full time[/quote]
Ok can we be honest

Most young children would prefer their mothers around more rather than less

Working full time means less time with mum. And no doubt a more stressed mum (I was at full time anyway?)

The issue is very emotive. But if we are ever going to move forward In terms of mothers in the workplace and childcare etc… there has to be no sticking heads in sand

Shhhhhhhshh · 15/09/2021 15:27

DH does half of the housework.

Organised when it comes to cooking, uniform etc…

Lower your standards when it comes to housework. My house isn’t dirty or massively untidy but it isn’t as clean or tidy as my SAHM or PT friends, many of whom live in show home like conditions now their DC are at school and they spend their days cleaning/gymming/coffeeing.

Shhhhhhhshh · 15/09/2021 15:30

@Marni83 The way to move forward is for men to do their equal share of housework and women to do their equal share of paid work.

WandaVision2 · 15/09/2021 15:31

I disagree. The way we move forward in terms of mother’s in the work place is to stop trying to guilt trip any mother who wishes to work full time.

Marni83 · 15/09/2021 15:31

[quote Shhhhhhhshh]@Marni83 The way to move forward is for men to do their equal share of housework and women to do their equal share of paid work.[/quote]
In some families

But many many mothers… don’t want equal paid work. They actively want to be a sahm or work part time.

It’s entirely dependent upon the family.

Biancadelrioisback · 15/09/2021 15:31

Both DH and I work full time. Our trick is to try and treat each weekend as a mini break. We live in Northumberland and will travel to the surrounding areas come rain or shine and do walks in the woods/find new and exciting parks etc. Sometimes we do cinema nights in the living room or camp in the garden during the summer. DS is 4 too.

Marni83 · 15/09/2021 15:32

@WandaVision2

I disagree. The way we move forward in terms of mother’s in the work place is to stop trying to guilt trip any mother who wishes to work full time.
Mothers aren’t fools Give them some credit FFS

I didn’t feel guilty because anyone made me feel guilty or society

I felt guilty because the FACTS of the situation were that my daughter wanted me around more.

Shhhhhhhshh · 15/09/2021 15:32

@Marni83

You’re right. They don’t, that’s my experience too but these are the same women moaning that they can’t get back into the workplace after a break. The same women who end up with nothing when their marriages break down.

Marni83 · 15/09/2021 15:33

This image that women succumb to people making them feel guilty

Just adds to an image of women as rather weak and spineless.

Wondergirl100 · 15/09/2021 15:36

I think these threads always go all or nothing - I have worked full time it was exhausting - and I did miss my children - that is the reality. I work part time and sometimes I wish I had more work opportunities - I also resent sometimes sitting around doing boring after school stuff with my kids and wish I was at work!

life is complex - to say it has no impact at all on children if parents don't ever collect them from school is clearly nonsense. Yes your kids would like you to pick them up sometimes -

Is there any way you could compress hours and do one pick up? Or just drop half a day?

I feel that people come on these threads without nuance - let's be honest, in the long term it is helpful and good for kids to have some flexibility in your working hours. Those who say dads don't feel guilty - they do! My husband welcomed lockdown because finally he was around at tea time for the kids - he has always said he is glad it happened that way and he is grateful for the chance he got to be with them more.

Wondergirl100 · 15/09/2021 15:37

I know from experience that children really do notice and care if they never get picked up from school. However - life is a bigger picture and yes they can have loving family life in other ways - you just have to make the decisions with all things in the balance.

For me - if there is a choice and I can do the work I care about part time, I would always try to avoid full time hours for now - but of course some parents feel differently and that is also fine!

FloconDeNeige · 15/09/2021 15:41

Most young children would prefer their mothers around more rather than less

Working full time means less time with mum. And no doubt a more stressed mum (I was at full time anyway?)

The issue is very emotive. But if we are ever going to move forward In terms of mothers in the workplace and childcare etc… there has to be no sticking heads in sand

This is such a sexist POV.

First of all, why the mother? Why not the father? Why does it always fall on mothers? Being pregnant doesn’t mean we’re automatically the default parent for the rest of their lives.

Secondly, how do you know most kids want their mothers around more? It’s the quality of time you spend with them, not the quantity (within reasonable limits).

Also, you say kids don’t care about how their mothers are getting on at work. Very likely true, most of the time. But the mothers themselves may care because, shock horror! They aren’t sacrificial martyrs placed on earth to facilitate their DC’s every desire. They’re individuals with their own perfectly valid wants and needs, not just somebody’s Mum.