Please tell me about working full time with young children, I'm having a panic.

[Hdieonfjc]

So atm I work 8.30-2.30, my DD has just started reception and is 4 and I have just been offered (and accepted) a much better job but full time hours.

It was always important to me that I picked my DD up from school atleast 1 or 2 days a week but obviously that won't be possible with this new job, my DD loves school and it's a very small village school who run a fantastic breakfast and aftershock club so I have no worries that she will be happy and looked after but the mum guilt is killing me. I keep thinking there won't be time to spend quality time with her around work and looking after the house and I know lots of people work full time with young children so would please love some reassurance that I am doing the right thing.

I do have a partner who also works full time but neither of our jobs will be a fantastic wage so I don't think there will be extra money for cleaner or anything although I do plan to start online shopping. I would love any other tips people have to help me manage my time between being a mum and working and not feel like I don't spend any time with DD

Thank you

My mum and dad both worked full time and I have memories of spending brilliant quality time with both of them.
I was lucky as my mum was a primary school teacher, so had her throughout school holidays and my dad was a self-employed builder, so he didn't have set hours or holidays to stick to...he had his own schedule. We never had any cleaners or gardeners as mum and dad took care of everything as well as looking after me and my older brother. I have memories of helping my mum in the garden at the weekends and school holidays when I was old enough. I thought cleaners and gardeners were something reserved for the VERY wealthy in TV shows and movies....it wasn't until I joined MN that I realised people actually had cleaners in their homes...still seems very strange to me, but only because it's not something I've experienced or know anyone personally whose had this kind of service.

First of all, why the mother? Why not the father? Why does it always fall on mothers? Being pregnant doesn’t mean we’re automatically the default parent for the rest of their lives.**

I am the default parent as a single parent. And over the moon with it

Secondly, how do you know most kids want their mothers around more? It’s the quality of time you spend with them, not the quantity (within reasonable limits).

when full time, weekends was often housework, admin etc. Much more quality time when part time.

Start early a couple of days a week, get DP to do the school run and then finish early so you can do pick up. We do this and cover most days between us.

I recommend letting housework standards skip

Also google a repertoire of meals you can have on the table in 20-30 mins all in. We eat lots of pasta/cous cous/fish/stir fry/omelettes. Quick and easy for weekdays.

Slip

@Marni83

But that’s only in your own experience. You cannot simply extrapolate that and apply it to everyone.

Most young children would prefer their mothers around more rather than less

They'd also like their fathers around more if they could choose.

And for their garden to be a bouncy castle, to never have to brush their teeth and to always wear weather appropriate clothing

Luckily most adults live in the real world and do what is best, not what their children would pick.

OP do you know a single adult who says "mummy was never there and didn't care" simply because their otherwise loving parent worked full time.

[quote FloconDeNeige]@Marni83

But that’s only in your own experience. You cannot simply extrapolate that and apply it to everyone.[/quote]
Precisely what you did

[quote FloconDeNeige]@Marni83

But that’s only in your own experience. You cannot simply extrapolate that and apply it to everyone.[/quote]
This.
Fwiw, my mum was at home. I was really jealous of the kids whose mums worked and got to go to afterschool club. It didn't suit her, didn't suit me and as a family money was very tight. So there is one counter example.

If children have a preference for one parent, that doesn't give the other parent a 'get out of jail free card', they should still spend time with their child. It was my dad who finished work early on weekdays to pick me up from school and made dinner for the 4 of us, took me home from school if I was sick and spent the day with me and my brother when my mum was working on school training or in-service days. I loved those days and times spent with my dad as much as with my mum.
My parents were both hard workers, in full time jobs and I loved spending time with them both. They were also excellent role models for me growing up as they managed to balance their work and personal lives.

If you have a supportive partner who shares the load at home then I think it can work. If not, then it will be a struggle.

When both of you pitch in/step up equally, then it’s more likely that neither one of you will end up feeling overwhelmed.

It’s a good idea to sit down as a family and agree what you can let slide during the week (dishes/washing/kids toys) so that everyone’s expectations are managed. And set some rules about weekends eg: not over committing to friends/family/hobbies so you all get quality time together. It all sounds very obvious but when you both work full time and time is very tight, then being open and communicating is vital. IMO.

And I was very careful to use the word “most”

My husband and I both work full time.

Once you get into the new routine, you will see bits of time here and there that you can make special.

I found it nice to make dinner and bed times a lot more relaxed. Eating together is a nice way to easily catch up on the day. Bath time is also a nice time to play/sing/be daft/chat. And then bed time itself - you can cuddle up for a story together and have a cuddle in bed before sleep time.

I actually find that if I'm not working during the week I fill a lot of the time between school finishing and bed time with housework and odd jobs so there is less of a focus on quality time together.

I do an hour or so of housework once the children are in bed too, so there's less to do at the weekend.

And don't fret too much about housework! To be honest, my house is usually untidy but that's the price I pay for choosing to prioritise both my children and my career. The time will come when everything isn't as messy, so I'm willing to stick it out until then.

Shopping online helps too.

The only way it works is if both parents do things. Not one parent being the person with the entire family calendar, all the cleaning, all the shopping, all the food prep, all the homework etc. Ime you both have to meal plan so that shopping, prepping, planning the week etc are shared.

Too many posts on here reveal homes in which the op is the Director of Operations, Secretary, Dinner Lady and Cleaner of their family.

When I worked H would do the morning drop off and I’d start at 7am. Then finish at 4pm. Home by 4.30 on a good traffic day. It didn’t feel like I was in such a rush then. If he had to be in for an early meeting then we’d swap and I’d do the morning, he’d do the afternoon pickup.

Or course that doesn’t work now as he works away so I’d have no idea how I’d do a full time job with all of their activities and running around. The idea I came up with to present to employer, working reduced hours, 32 per week over 5 shorter days. Or having Fridays off to catch up. With my D.C. schedule the shorter days would suit us the best.

You'll be ok. Make sure you're 100% happy with your childcare, because that's what will pull you away from work if it's not up to par. The house being a bit messy or McDonalds for dinner are way down the list.

I arranged some of my kids' activities on Saturday or Sunday: a lot are available on weekends in my city because so many parents work. As your child gets older, after school club might be happy to drop off and pick up your child from any school-based activities too (like sports club held at the school).

A slow cooker and/or instant pot can help with planning meals ahead, especially during the winter months, because you can set and forget until it's time to eat. Fresh pasta from the grocery store takes only 3 minutes to cook if you're caught short. Salad can be assembled pretty quickly.

Don't sink your weekends doing housework. If you can't hire a cleaner just yet, let some of the standards go and prioritise getting out with your kid. Bare minimum while you guys find your feet: a load of laundry moved along, dishes done, bathroom wiped down, floor swept.

It is much harder to work full-time with small children. Definitely. You constantly feel guilty that you are not spending enough time at work and that you are not spending enough time with your child.

However, you need to try it for yourself. I look back at the years I did full-time with a different kind of fondness. It was hard for me because my husband worked abroad so it was just me and the kids, but I had more money so on days when I didn't feel like cooking and I had picked the kids up at after school club (although I prefer OP's aftershock club) at 6.15pm we could just grab some food on our way home and eat in front of the telly. Then it was 20 minutes of homework, get stuff ready for the next day and stories in bed pretty much. The days went by super quick, but it was more of a feeling that we are in this together (me and the kids), rather than me always being on hand for them.

Just remember, nothing is forever. If, in a couple of years time you are no longer happy working full-time you can always change.

Working full-time tips I find helpful

1. Get a cleaner at least once a week for an absolute minimum of 2 (3 if at all possible) hours. It really makes a difference - what I call the

'heavy lifting' is done - kitchen, bathroom, floors are the essentials and prevents that overwhelming feeling of 'where the F do I even start'. DH was most reluctant regarding this (all the old clichés about private letters etc.) but changed his mind quickly.

1. Online shopping - another essential
2. Bulk cook and freeze but don't forget to cheat fish fingers, chicken nuggets, pizza and oven baked chips are fine, don't beat yourself up about ALWAYS dishing up a home cooked dinner.
3. Do not feel guilty about going full-time, it really is such a wasted emotion and you will be a wonderful role model for DD.

You say DP not DH. If you’re not married and not independently wealthy working FT is vital IMO.

The key thing is sharing the domestic work and parenting. The latter includes childcare pick ups!

I've been working full time since DS was 5 months old (he's now 2).

What you need is a husband/partner who does half of everything. DH has more flexibility so he's currently doing drop off and pickup 3/5 days a week.

Prep everything for the next day the night before - outfits for yourself and DC laid out, as much lunch as possible prepped, handbag ready to go to the office etc.

Do a weekly calendar review with your other half to make sure there aren't any surprise late meetings and you always know who's on toddler duty.

Book things for the weekend in advance so you don't suddenly go "oh shit it's Saturday, WTF do we do now?"

I also make sure that when I am with DS I am really with him. Phone goes away and I give him 100% of my attention.

I'd be a rubbish stay at home mum. DS would spend his whole time watching TV, eating snacks and mooching around the shops. He's much better off at his bougie nursery where he does stuff like yoga classes, messy play and football lessons

I think in your shoes I’d put in a flexible working request for compressed hours and get my OH to pick up from after school club and do dinner so I could pick up at least once, maybe twice a week. Is that feasible?

Weirdly now they're older the time at home seems more important to chat through stuff when than they were tiny.

I had to go back to work full time in a new job when mine were pre-school. XH left and I was a single parent with debts, mortgage and no income. I was lucky enough to find a great childminder and with a network of friends it wasn't too hard. I did have a cleaner and I did no work at weekends - that was fun time. I do remember being very tired but much of that might be because I was on my own. (no family around)

As the PP above says, it was much more challenging when they are older. Childcare is non existent and there's a time around 11-14 when there does have to be either supervision or be close by. I found the DCs were more than happy with a CM when they were young, but it was me that had to be there for the teenage years.

Try do a little extra housework each night and it won't be completely on top of you at the weekends.

@Hdieonfjc my older kids went to nursery from 8 months. They don’t remember it at all.

My younger one didn’t, until pre-school. He also doesn’t remember it.

And make sure the DH does a little extra housework each night so it doesn’t get on top of him at the weekend either!