Please tell me about working full time with young children, I'm having a panic.

[Hdieonfjc]

So atm I work 8.30-2.30, my DD has just started reception and is 4 and I have just been offered (and accepted) a much better job but full time hours.

It was always important to me that I picked my DD up from school atleast 1 or 2 days a week but obviously that won't be possible with this new job, my DD loves school and it's a very small village school who run a fantastic breakfast and aftershock club so I have no worries that she will be happy and looked after but the mum guilt is killing me. I keep thinking there won't be time to spend quality time with her around work and looking after the house and I know lots of people work full time with young children so would please love some reassurance that I am doing the right thing.

I do have a partner who also works full time but neither of our jobs will be a fantastic wage so I don't think there will be extra money for cleaner or anything although I do plan to start online shopping. I would love any other tips people have to help me manage my time between being a mum and working and not feel like I don't spend any time with DD

Thank you

@Delatron love that!

Hi,
I had a similar panic when my youngest started school and I started a new full time job after a couple of years as a SAHM. I did let it get the better of me though and quit after 2 days which is not recommended at all.My DD and DS really hated the wraparound care and that was enough for me. Obviously in hindsight I should’ve allowed them to settle and I do regret leaving that job so hastily. I now work 4 days a week in school hours which is amazing in terms of work/life balance, however it is a fairly dull job that doesn’t pay anywhere near as much as my previous roles.
What I would say is give full time a good go and re- evaluate a few months in. If your school has great wraparound care then you are definitely winning. A lot of my friends work full time with young families and manage just fine. Hire a cleaner if needs be, online shopping, pay for school dinners etc Your other half will have to chip in too. Is all very doable. Good luck!

I went back to work ft when my first was 3 months. Not ideal but necessary. I would have loved to have been pt but things are the way they are. That said I've never felt I've missed out. It's been bloody hard work but when I'm at home I've always prioritized my children not the housework. Get a rota agreed to your oh does his fair share but you'll also both need to lower your expectations in terms of the house etc. I tend to do a mad cleaning blast on Sat mornings and nothing other than the odd but of tidying during the week. Partner makes the dinner I wash up. I always plan a couple of nice activities at the weekend and a good walk or something during the week. If I need to do any extra work I get up early and do it before others are up. Time for myself - 0 but my children are growing up, they love me and I them.

@TeachesOfPeaches

Have a look on the SAHM threads and apparently working full time with small children is much easier than being at home and you should be grateful for the opportunity

That's a bit rude.

It's possible, I did it on my own.
However , I think your problem is going to be your husband if he says things like 'I help you enough as it is'. Sit down serious discussion needed.

Oh god, the after school club, not having to think of meals in the evening because they are already fed. I miss those days!

Get a cleaner, gardener & do weekly shop online. Then your not using weekends catching up on chores. X

You'd probably also have to just let some of the housework go a bit. Ie. Vacuuming once every 2 weeks instead of every week
Hahaha I don’t think I’ve vacuumed since I went back to work after maternity

OP, your husband absolutely needs to step up – and make sure you don’t take up the slack he leaves. Drop-offs, pick-ups, bedtimes, cooking (including meal planning and food shop), washing up, cleaning (or organising and paying the cleaner): all 50/50.

You and he can either make a big list of all the things that need doing, weekly/monthly/annually and divvy it up (do NOT take on the burden of making the list: you’re not the domestic office manager), or do as DP and I do and muddle through, chucking more or less of the burden at each other depending on who’s having the worse week at work/the poorly child who only wants to sit on them/personal stuff. We manage by drastically lowering clean and tidy standards, and learning to live with a low level of chaos.

Myself and my partner both work full time. I went back full time when DD was 6mo and she has also just started reception.

We have been lucky to have family help but also put her in nursery 3 days a week, for long days and to be honest she has settled into school better than most of her class. She has no separation issues and is happy to be there.

Growing up my dad worked away a lot and mum, at one point worked multiple jobs. We were with grandparents, breakfast, after school clubs, friends more often than at home. Yet I don't remember all the times she wasn't there, I remember the things we were able to do when she was, because she worked. She has also given me and my siblings an amazing work ethic and we understood the value of things from a young age. By comparison my DPs mum never worked after kids, his DSs haven't worked after having kids and both him and his teenage nieces and nephews are not very self sufficient at all.

I'm not saying it's easy or you don't feel guilty. It's bloody hard and I feel mum guilt so often but I know that me working and having a career is actually better for her in the long term. Plus you just make the most of the time you have together.

PS online food shop is the best thing IMO. Can do it in the evening/way home from work and doesn't use up the best part of a day.

Sorry for the double post. I have been reading more of the thread and wanted to add. Also working FT is actually better for me and my DD because it makes me a happier person. I was not build to be a SAHM. I want a career and a persona outside of 'mum'. After 2 weeks off I'm happy to be back at work and around other adults. I would not have the patience being at home all the time. Working makes me a better parent because I am more patient and attentive when I am home with her.

I worked full time with young children and planning is key.

1.) make sure you have plenty of uniform and it's washed, ironed and ready for the week on a Sunday eve.

2.) meal plan, knowing what you're eating each evening saves waste and time.

3.) pack lunches, school bags the night before.

4.) tidy round each evening for 30mins, after children are in bed. If you and your partner do this it's an hour of cleaning/tidying a day! I used to wipe round the bathroom while they played in the bath. That way I could chat with them at the same time.

5.) spend the evenings after school and before the children's bedtime available to them. Sit at a table and eat dinner together. Bedtime stories and relax time in bed is also important.

6.) Try and do an activity at the weekend as a family i.e. bike ride, go to the park, baking. It doesn't need to be expensive, kids just want time.

My DC are both at uni now. I have a great and very close relationship with them both. It is possible to work full time and make time for your DC, you just have to plan a bit more.

We also had an hour 9pm - 10pm, where we aimed to be sat and chilling together (myself and husband). This could be watching a drama on TV etc. It is important to have some adult downtime before bed and so you don't burn out.

Get a cleaner and get shopping delivered late evening.
I appreciate you say there is no money for a cleaner but you may be surprised at the cost. I pay £12 an hour for 2 hours each fortnight and every room is cleaned with the bathrooms and kitchen cleaned thoroughly. Keeping on top of it then takes hardly any time. A few months down the line and I'm still shocked at just how much difference that fortnightly clean makes to how much I have to do the rest of the week.

If I had a choice/alternative option I wouldn't work ft unless it was flexible. Every child is different but mine hated breakfast and Afterschool club. They have to go to Afterschool once per week (and still moan about it) but dh and i work so that we pick them up from school the other days. Ime breakfast club, school then Afterschool is much more tiring that a day at nursery 8-6. At the end of the day you have to do what you have to do. If you start when dc is young they may slot right in with the routine. I've also found that as dc has got older (now 10) they need be more Afterschool than before- to support with homework, talk about their day and facilitate clubs and play dates.

I'm sure some has been covered but:

1. now you're both working FT partner must do half house stuff and running DD around. Sit down and agree an informal rota (or write it down)
2. I have a Tesco delivery pass so I meal plan and shop on my lunch break or in front of the telly. Turns up on a Saturday morning, saving precious weekend time
3. if your pay uplift allows get a cleaner. We have 3 hours/week. She does bathrooms, floors, kitchen and anything else she can squeeze in (it's a large house). That means the rest of the week we just do laundry, tidying and quick wipe downs
4. beans on toast for supper once in a while never killed anyone

Re: guilt, can't help with that. I sacrificed so much career and identity through pregnancy and mat leave. If anyone should feel guilty and stay home more it should be DH as I've got some credit in the bank

My kids are, as far as I can tell, happy and well adjusted and also benefitting from healthy university funds, food in their bellies and expensive activities.

Ignore the derailing and guilt tripping....

What sprung out at me was your dp thinking he already does loads now. You really really really need him to open his eyes and properly step up. You'll work yourself into an early grave otherwise. Rota. Who does what cleaning, who does what cooking, who does daily tidy up, who does which bedtime, who check book bag and sorts school stuff. Do NOT accept 'oh we'll sort it out as we go along' because that will mean you doing everything, a dp moaning that dinner isn't ready and a dd wanting some attention with one of you.

OP, the time you do have with your daughter is about quality, not quantity.

I am presuming pick up is by 6? Basing that on my own after school club(!) so if you manage to sort a system of organisation then you should be able to have nice evenings together still.

My tips:

-school book reading done early in the morning while you have a cuppa on the sofa OR before bed as part of bedtime routine - whichever is most relaxing for you both.

-set a homework night. This isn't for everyone but aside from reading we don't do homework every night. We do it in one. We sit at the table together, I give them a little chocolate treat halfway through to power them through the rest. I do this so we have flexibility with our other evenings. So we can pop out for cake one evening... Watch a film together with hot chocolate... take a walk/play around at a local park etc. OR so they can simply play/draw/relax.

-set of uniform for everyday of the week. Keep it in a separate laundry bag - and then bung it all in the wash Friday evening.

-take turns with DP with evening chores/routines. I.e. one parent put DD to bed and make tea, the other wash up the dinner pots and have a general wipe down.

-hand held hoover (or dustpan and brush) to keep on top of daily crumbs - only hoover at the weekend

-online shopping you're already planning on doing. Double cook meals. I.e. bung sausage casserole in slow cooker before work. Serve one night with buttered bread and the next night with baked potatoes.

I honestly find that I get more done and life is easier now that I work more. Having limited time makes me much more efficient and productive!

I'm a single mum with older kids, always worked full time. I've asked them about how they felt about this - they didn't really see the difference, as I picked them up from the school club anyway, plus in the mornings they had a nice breakfast (I'm not very kitcheny).

DD said it's shown her a good role model, given her a good work ethic and made her realise she doesn't need a man to do well in life.

Hire a cleaner - weekends are for living.

set of uniform for everyday of the week. Keep it in a separate laundry bag - and then bung it all in the wash Friday evening.

I cannot second this tip enough. In the grand scheme it’s not a lot extra (compared to say a weekly cleaner) but will massively improve your life.

If you're working extra hours then how can't you afford a cleaner? If the extra money is just going on childcare, what's the point

"but I already do so much to help you"
That's your problem, right there.

The point of extra cash going to childcare for a while is that those childcare costs do end/get much smaller and women still have their careers/decades of earning potential left.. and can build up a pension pot

Everyone does what is right for them, and this is right for you and your family, enjoy the new job.