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Original poster

Surrogacy makes me very uncomfortable

795 replies

HermioneKipper · 14/09/2021 23:34

I was listening to Giovanna Fletcher’s podcast with H from Steps and hearing them talk about him using a surrogate for his twins made me feel very uncomfortable.

It’s essentially renting a woman’s body to buy a baby.

I understand the woman must’ve consented but she was paid and it doesn’t take into account the risk she was putting her body through. Pregnancy and childbirth is a huge strain on a woman’s body and she risks serious injury giving birth that she’ll have for life.

Even more so as she had twins which is even more dangerous.

And the babies taken away from their birth mother immediately. Who knows what harm it does to them.

It feels akin to the black market of buying and selling organs.

I know I have children so perhaps don’t have the right to comment but it doesn’t sit right with me.

OP posts:
grey12 · 15/09/2021 10:42

@lynntheyresexpeople I have consideration for the people involved: that's why I'm against it

Saoirse82 · 15/09/2021 10:43

@Chloemol

You are lucky, you can have children

Many can’t, ( including heterosexual couples( and therefore turn to surrogacy as an option

It’s up to the surrogate to decide what they wish to do with their body, no one is forcing them

This 100%

OP, I would have been happy to be a surrogate for my sister had she ever needed it. You're implying that women don't have the mental capacity to make an informed choice and anyone who is a surrogate is being exploited which is frankly ridiculous.

WoMandalorian · 15/09/2021 10:43

I don't see why it's any different than a woman doing any physically difficult job for money though... Miners essentially sold their bodies for money. Lots of other jobs harm the body day in day out all their working lives. Not just 9 months.
Also agree the baby being removed from mum is the exact same as adoption so don't see the problem with that. It's better than adoption as they are handed straight over to a couple that want them.

grey12 · 15/09/2021 10:43

@YouTubeAddict

You need to wind your neck in OP. For some women on here this is their only way of having a child and a post like this could be very hurtful.
There's adoption.
Oldfestivalgoer · 15/09/2021 10:43

@ArtichokeAardvark

I'll put my head above the parapet. A friend of mine went down the surrogacy route to have her son. She's a cancer survivor but the chemo left her infertile and doctors advised that she shouldn't try carrying her own child even though she had her eggs frozen before starting treatment. She and her DH were desperate for a child and first looked at adopting, but you can't adopt in the UK if you've had cancer.

In the end, they found a surrogate in the US who'd done it once before already. The surrogate also has 3 kids of her own, and became a surrogate because she couldn't afford the extortionate fees to send her eldest to a private school. She enjoys being pregnant and finds pregnancy easy, and it's highly regulated in the US so safe.

No pregnancy is 'safe'. That woman could have died or become permanently disabled and left her own children without a mother. She did it for the money.
SorryAuntLydia · 15/09/2021 10:44

@TheVolturi

I don't see the problem when the woman is doing it of her own free will and fully consenting. I am 40 now so probably too old but since I've had my own children I would have loved to help give a couple their own child. If it was fully genetically theirs.
So you would have ‘loved’ to risk your life for another couple? Hmm Risked making your own children orphans? Risked your long term health and ability to care for your own kids to be kind to strangers? Do you always put the needs of strangers above your own family? Or only to try to win hypothetical arguments?
Oldfestivalgoer · 15/09/2021 10:44

@WoMandalorian

I don't see why it's any different than a woman doing any physically difficult job for money though... Miners essentially sold their bodies for money. Lots of other jobs harm the body day in day out all their working lives. Not just 9 months. Also agree the baby being removed from mum is the exact same as adoption so don't see the problem with that. It's better than adoption as they are handed straight over to a couple that want them.
It's different because it involves creating, gestating and giving birth to a living human being.
Babyghirl · 15/09/2021 10:45

@CounsellorTroi
Well I'm going through infertility myself with 4 miscarriages and 1 cp and my sis in law has already said she will carry for me my egg partners sperm so baby won't be getting taking of its mother she will just be growing it for me 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Oldfestivalgoer · 15/09/2021 10:45

Oh and also - jobs that destroy people's bodies, which they only do out of desperation for money, are not ethical either.

HeartsAndClubs · 15/09/2021 10:47

Also agree the baby being removed from mum is the exact same as adoption so don't see the problem with that. It's better than adoption as they are handed straight over to a couple that want them. adoption is a last resort. Those children are removed because their parents are deemed incapable of looking after them.

And wanting a baby doesn’t mean you’re going to be a good parent. I know children who were adopted who had awful childhoods, I also know women who have had babies after years of fertility struggles and IVF and who realised that actually they hated being parents. So let’s not pretend that surrogacy is a magical experience where parents and children all sail off happily into the sunset and live happily ever after.

Why are there no threads full of surrogate children (now adults) telling of their wonderful upbringings, their wonderful childhoods and their wonderful parents?

YouTubeAddict · 15/09/2021 10:48

@SorryAuntLydia I’m not sure how you jumped to that conclusion from my post Hmm I feel that posts like the OP’s can be quite hurtful to people who have used surrogacy, which is currently a legitimate way to have a baby. If people choose to be a surrogate then that’s there decision, no-one is strapping them down and forcing them to do it.

Babyghirl · 15/09/2021 10:48

@CloseYourEyesAndSee
Easy enough for someone that has kids to say, and such a heartless thing to say to someone that has lost 4 babies and dreams of being a mother.

CounsellorTroi · 15/09/2021 10:48

Alternatives to surrogacy:
Find an opposite sex co-parent
IVF
Fostering
Adoption

There’s another alternative - accepting that you can’t have a child.

CounsellorTroi · 15/09/2021 10:50

[quote Babyghirl]@CounsellorTroi
Well I'm going through infertility myself with 4 miscarriages and 1 cp and my sis in law has already said she will carry for me my egg partners sperm so baby won't be getting taking of its mother she will just be growing it for me 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️[/quote]
I hope everything goes well for you. But it doesn’t affect my views on surrogacy.

Lemonsandlemonade · 15/09/2021 10:51

@HeartsAndClubs I never said you had no right to an opinion. It was more what you said about sperm/egg donation that got me.

By your thinking though my beautiful LB wouldn’t be here.

Babyghirl · 15/09/2021 10:52

@YouTubeAddict
I agree with you bet ya most of the people against it has had no problem having the family they have always dreamed of.
This post is not needed at all and can be hurtful to people that has went down that road. Does not make them awful people I'm sure there babies are loved because of the struggles to get them.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 15/09/2021 10:53

[quote lynntheyresexpeople]@CloseYourEyesAndSee it's not your right to comment on the posters situation, at all. You don't know her sister, you're making huge assumptions and are probably really upsetting the poster you quoted. Why comment? Why purposely try and upset somebody? I hope you feel good about yourself.[/quote]
It is my right to comment on anything someone put on mumsnet. I feel perfectly happy with myself as I have given another perspective that that poster may not have considered and hopefully have raised awareness about the potential harm of surrogacy, even family surrogacy.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 15/09/2021 10:54

@YouTubeAddict

You need to wind your neck in OP. For some women on here this is their only way of having a child and a post like this could be very hurtful.
More people need to stick their necks out actually The hurt feelings of adults do not trump the human rights of babies and exploited women
TheKeatingFive · 15/09/2021 10:54

no-one is strapping them down and forcing them to do it.

This is such an over simplification. Would you say the same about someone selling their organs because they’re poor and desperate?

Nomoreusernames1244 · 15/09/2021 10:56

More people need to stick their necks out actually
The hurt feelings of adults do not trump the human rights of babies and exploited women

Agree. This narrative of “don’t speak out, you might hurt someone’s feelings” only serves to silence those in weaker situations and their allies.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 15/09/2021 10:57

@WoMandalorian

I don't see why it's any different than a woman doing any physically difficult job for money though... Miners essentially sold their bodies for money. Lots of other jobs harm the body day in day out all their working lives. Not just 9 months. Also agree the baby being removed from mum is the exact same as adoption so don't see the problem with that. It's better than adoption as they are handed straight over to a couple that want them.
Adoption is called the primal wound for a reason. We only do it when there is absolutely no viable alternative for babies because we recognise that it harms them. It's not a neutral act. Adoption doesn't paper over the cracks of being separated from their mother.
SorryAuntLydia · 15/09/2021 10:57

[quote YouTubeAddict]@SorryAuntLydia I’m not sure how you jumped to that conclusion from my post Hmm I feel that posts like the OP’s can be quite hurtful to people who have used surrogacy, which is currently a legitimate way to have a baby. If people choose to be a surrogate then that’s there decision, no-one is strapping them down and forcing them to do it.[/quote]
Oh boo hoo… people who have exploited women and their bodies might get the sads….

Sure, every woman in the world makes free choices. All those women locked in surrogacy factories in India chose to do it, it was their disney princess dream…

Lucky you, never to have experienced - or even seen - emotional or financial coercion.

Do you also believe prostituted women just love sucking dick?

Oh and when do the babies get to have an opinion? Or don’t their feelings count?

Babyghirl · 15/09/2021 10:59

@CounsellorTroi
Eccepting is never an easy option until you go through every avenue to get the family you dream off. I won't give up on a dream I have had from I was younger if people where to give up on everything they could not achieve life would be pointless.

IamanUltracrepidarian · 15/09/2021 11:01

@Heidi1982

I wonder how people who are pro-surrogacy feel about puppies being taken off their mother at birth?
I think the breeding of animals to be pets or food or any other exploitation by humans is unethical. However, you can't compare it with human surrogacy.
Muchasgracias · 15/09/2021 11:03

@HermioneKipper I’m interested to know how many surrogates and parents of babies born via surrogacy have you spoken to. I’m struggling to understand why you have such a narrow view on this subject. Each to their own but your views seems a tad outdated and not quite ‘in the real world’.