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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Found out my baby’s dad takes drugs - what do I do?

77 replies

swiftt · 14/09/2021 22:43

My head is spinning. I’ve posted about him before, but this feels like a whole new level and I need some opinions before I go batshit at this guy. My baby is 3 months old. I wasn’t in a relationship with her dad but he wanted to be involved. We’ve had ups and downs but generally been getting on okay. I get maintenance paid through CMS as he kept dragging his feet. He’s employed, good job. Comes from a good family. I know that doesn’t mean much but it’s making tonight’s revelation feel like even more of a kick in the teeth.

He’s very quiet, doesn’t tell me much. I’m getting used to that. When I first found out I was pregnant, I showed up at his place in a state of panic. He wouldn’t let me in. Eventually told me he’d taken Coke that night and wasn’t in the right frame of mind to talk to me. Said it was a one off. I’ve asked him since then to make sure it’s not a regular thing as I really am not keen to be involved with anyone that uses drugs. I’ve never taken anything. Maybe I’m naive and it’s more common than I think, so really not sure if my reaction tonight is reasonable but this is why I’m posting.

He sees baby 3 times a week. He gave her a bath tonight and when he left I noticed he left his watch in the bathroom. I didn’t realise it was a smart watch til I was brushing my teeth and noticed notifications pinging through. Tinder verification code. I shouldn’t have looked but I was curious. Next thing I’m reading texts from last week to his friend asking if he’s got drugs, that he fancies shrooms, something else about coke. The messages go back a couple of months and it seems to be a common theme. I just feel sick. I’m shaking. What do I do? Am I over reacting? Part of me wants to not my daughter anywhere near him! But I can’t think straight at the moment. I also saw messages from girls off tinder as early as a couple of weeks after our daughter is born. I know we’re not together and he can do what he likes, but I feel a bit sick at tinder being his priority then.

Please help me think straight.

OP posts:

Original poster

swiftt · 14/09/2021 22:58

Bumping for my sanity.

OP posts:

MotherMole · 14/09/2021 23:09

:-( no advice but sending you support. What a d*ck.

Original poster

swiftt · 14/09/2021 23:14

@MotherMole thank you. Baby is asleep and I should be too but my head is just all over the place now.

OP posts:

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 14/09/2021 23:16

Didn’t want to read and run. My experience within my family tells me that you don’t want your baby around a person that is addicted to cocaine - it rules their lives and massively affects behaviour and judgement.

I would ask him what his drug habits are. He’ll tell you that it is recreational. Insist that he takes a drugs test before spending time with your baby, you can home test kits.
Sounds like the time he spends with baby is supervised by you and I’d keep it that way.

Original poster

swiftt · 14/09/2021 23:17

@KellyJonesLeatherTrousers yes, always supervised time but she’s only 3 months and EBF. He wants her unsupervised ASAP but that won’t be happening now.

OP posts:

MotherMole · 14/09/2021 23:18

I can imagine. Is it even worth mentioning the messages to him? Would he even want to change? Sounds like he’s very immature with deeply ingrained habits/lifestyle.

You can’t change him, but you can make sure you are the best you can be for your baby.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 14/09/2021 23:20

I don't do drugs, but I think it's far more common than I naively realised at first. A fair few of my friends do coke and things on nights out, all fairly "normal" people.

How old is he? Was he doing coke on his own in his home? Cos that's a bit worrying if that's the case.

The tinder thing is upsetting, but if you've never been in a relationship then you can't go too crazy at him. And don't tell him you've read his messages!

MotherMole · 14/09/2021 23:20

@swiftt EBF is the perfect reason to keep contact supervised!

Original poster

swiftt · 14/09/2021 23:21

@MotherMole I don’t know how to not mention them. I just feel like I’m seeing him in a totally different light now. Im supposed to be dragging myself and baby to his sister’s wedding on Sunday. Lunch with his parents on Thursday. Part of me just wants nothing to do with him but I’m stuck.

OP posts:

Original poster

swiftt · 14/09/2021 23:23

@Hobnobsandbroomstick I’ve known about the tinder thing for a while. Not too fussed, was just a bit miffed that he had the time and inclination to get back on tinder whilst baby was a couple of weeks old and all I had time to do was scoff the odd piece of cold toast whilst I tried to look after the baby on my on after a c-section with minimal help. I’m only a little bitter about that! 🙈

He said he was on his own that night. But who knows really. He’s 29. It doesn’t look like an occasional thing, which is worrying me. The messages seem to indicate most weekends.

OP posts:

ViciousJackdaw · 14/09/2021 23:23

How much did you know about him before you decided to have a baby?

MojoMoon · 14/09/2021 23:24

Honestly, it's not uncommon. I'm not saying it's a good idea but plenty of people with good jobs from good families take drugs recreationally and mostly without any problems.

It feels like the drugs issues is rather tangled up with your feelings about him being on Tinder.

maddy68 · 14/09/2021 23:25

I actually think your overreacting. Many people take drugs recreationally and are perfectly safe around children 🙄. He's unlikely to be taking them when he's looking after a baby

I do think you're being a bit naive , I only know a few people that DONT take them in some form or another. Most are professional family people that have perfectly normal lives. The issue would be if he's addicted to coke.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 14/09/2021 23:25

@ViciousJackdaw

How much did you engage your brain before typing out that useless comment

ViciousJackdaw · 14/09/2021 23:25

What exactly is a 'good' family anyhow?

Original poster

swiftt · 14/09/2021 23:27

@ViciousJackdaw not a lot at all.

@MojoMoon I am definitely slightly resentful that he’s on tinder, more so of the fact that his life doesn’t seem to have changed much whereas mine has been tipped upside down. But I just feel completely thrown by the drugs, and the thought of him spending weekends getting wasted doing god knows what. Then turning up to see our baby. I know it’s more common than I think though, so I don’t want to go nuclear if it’s unwarranted.

OP posts:

MotherMole · 14/09/2021 23:28

He sounds immature and unable to recognise his priorities.

Eugh, that sucks that you have to go to the wedding but….. plaster a big smile on, be lovely, show off your beautiful baby. Don’t give them any reason to dislike you. You never know, they may be able to help you with the situation at some point in the future…. Xxx

hufffflufff · 14/09/2021 23:29

I would be a bit wary to be honest. It's not going to be setting a good example for your kid as she gets older. And you need to have a serious talk about how involved he wants to be in her life as she grows up and in what ways. Doesn't sound like he would be a suitable candidate for looking after her for overnight stays, for example. If not now, in the future he could be after this kind of thing. Sounds like you need a bit of a serious talk with him. He's not grown up enough to be a regular parent...

ViciousJackdaw · 14/09/2021 23:29

[quote Hobnobsandbroomstick]@ViciousJackdaw

How much did you engage your brain before typing out that useless comment [/quote]
It's a fair question. If she'd known him for years before deciding to have a baby then I could understand the drugs shock. If he was an ONS (and there's jack shit wrong with that) then unfortunately, you could be having a child with anyone really. So it might be better to accept that he isn't going to be the sort of dad you want him to be and cut your losses.

Original poster

swiftt · 14/09/2021 23:30

@maddy68 that’s what I’m worried about. I do think I’m very naive when it comes to things like this. I don’t know if he has a problem or not. The messages seem to indicate usage every weekend. He sees our daughter on a Sunday afternoon and has always seemed fine. I guess I feel more worried at the fact that he said this was a one off and it clearly isn’t, so does that indicate that he has a problem? I just don’t know what to think.

OP posts:

Original poster

swiftt · 14/09/2021 23:31

@ViciousJackdaw how do I cut my losses when he wants to be a part of our daughter’s life? It terrifies me that he can’t seem to be honest with me.

OP posts:

EasterIssland · 14/09/2021 23:32

Id not want my child around someone that takes drugs , I don’t care if it’s common or not. In your position I’d be taking pics of the conversation so you can proof if you continue feeling the same way and don’t want him to be unsupervised. Despite the baby is currently ebf she won’t be for many more months exclusively bf so he might used that as an excuse for her to be for a few extra hours with him with nobody else around.

ViciousJackdaw · 14/09/2021 23:35

@swiftt Your maintenance is sorted out now. That's one important thing in place. As for the drugs etc, I can understand you not wanting him near your DD but I'm pretty sure you can't stop him seeing her. Happy to be corrected btw.
Maybe all you can do is adjust your expectations of this man. Your DD has her mummy, mummy has maintenance in place and the two of you can be a perfectly happy little unit by yourselves.

Sydendad · 14/09/2021 23:45

[quote swiftt]@Hobnobsandbroomstick I’ve known about the tinder thing for a while. Not too fussed, was just a bit miffed that he had the time and inclination to get back on tinder whilst baby was a couple of weeks old and all I had time to do was scoff the odd piece of cold toast whilst I tried to look after the baby on my on after a c-section with minimal help. I’m only a little bitter about that! 🙈

He said he was on his own that night. But who knows really. He’s 29. It doesn’t look like an occasional thing, which is worrying me. The messages seem to indicate most weekends.[/quote]
I think it's the combination which is worrying. I think you are perfectly reasonable. Where there is smoke there is fire. I would make a record of what you have found out somehow as you may have to take legal steps to keep him away from your daughter. You can just imagine how he would have her at his and get high and get a tinder date over while he is supposed to take care of his child. You can see it coming from a mile away. Regular coke use always escalates. I would keep him away for the moment and only on supervised visits. And there is nothing normal about coke. It's hard to get which will mean he also has contact with shady figures. It's the whole lifestyle and characters that come with it as well...

MumW · 14/09/2021 23:47

I only know a few people that DONT take them in some form or another. Most are professional family people that have perfectly normal lives.
😱
I hope that it's just the circles you move in and not the world in general.

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