Found out my baby’s dad takes drugs - what do I do?

[swiftt]

My head is spinning. I’ve posted about him before, but this feels like a whole new level and I need some opinions before I go batshit at this guy. My baby is 3 months old. I wasn’t in a relationship with her dad but he wanted to be involved. We’ve had ups and downs but generally been getting on okay. I get maintenance paid through CMS as he kept dragging his feet. He’s employed, good job. Comes from a good family. I know that doesn’t mean much but it’s making tonight’s revelation feel like even more of a kick in the teeth.

He’s very quiet, doesn’t tell me much. I’m getting used to that. When I first found out I was pregnant, I showed up at his place in a state of panic. He wouldn’t let me in. Eventually told me he’d taken Coke that night and wasn’t in the right frame of mind to talk to me. Said it was a one off. I’ve asked him since then to make sure it’s not a regular thing as I really am not keen to be involved with anyone that uses drugs. I’ve never taken anything. Maybe I’m naive and it’s more common than I think, so really not sure if my reaction tonight is reasonable but this is why I’m posting.

He sees baby 3 times a week. He gave her a bath tonight and when he left I noticed he left his watch in the bathroom. I didn’t realise it was a smart watch til I was brushing my teeth and noticed notifications pinging through. Tinder verification code. I shouldn’t have looked but I was curious. Next thing I’m reading texts from last week to his friend asking if he’s got drugs, that he fancies shrooms, something else about coke. The messages go back a couple of months and it seems to be a common theme. I just feel sick. I’m shaking. What do I do? Am I over reacting? Part of me wants to not my daughter anywhere near him! But I can’t think straight at the moment. I also saw messages from girls off tinder as early as a couple of weeks after our daughter is born. I know we’re not together and he can do what he likes, but I feel a bit sick at tinder being his priority then.

Please help me think straight.

Let him keep playing the game, he will show his true colours eventually. The fact you need CMS to collect speaks volumes.

@EileenGC

I wonder how many of these posters saying it’s fine wouldn’t be at all worried if someone said to them, ‘look, this is your future child’s dad, he will do drugs every weekend but that’s not so bad, he’ll also have the baby unsupervised in a few months/years, but you have nothing to worry about’.

Let’s be honest, how many people wouldn’t be worried about that? Or do all your partners/babies’ fathers do drugs and you’re okay with that?

You’re not naive OP - you sound like a responsible adult who knows the damage drug use causes. He wouldn’t be let anywhere around my baby if a regular drug user.

I think I would be very disappointed that I had found this information out too late, relieved that I at least knew about it now and hyper-vigilant about anything untoward from now on.

I wouldn't be happy but I would also recognise that his private life was not my business, as long as he was responsible when he was with my child and that I had no moral or legal right to deny access to my child.

[quote swiftt]@HighlandCowbag yep, he did want to take her alone originally. I doubt his parents have a clue about the drugs. It all just makes his Disney dad act so much more frustrating to sit back and watch.[/quote]
I still think you sound very over-invested in him. He can be a good son and a good dad, and a good person, and still take a line of Coke when he's out with his friends on a Friday night. Plenty of people do.

Coke use is rife in the UK. I haven't used it, but I'd say the majority of my friends had in a professional capacity and most have a higher income than average. Shrooms aren't known for their addictive potential.

Considering your circumstances, I'd be much more worried about Tinder and his propensity to get strangers pregnant.

Considering your circumstances, I'd be much more worried about Tinder and his propensity to get strangers pregnant.*

That's not anything she has any interest in worrying about and should quite frankly keep her nose out of.

@fourminutestosavetheworld I don’t think it’s an occasional social thing. I am a bit worried about his mental health and I think the drug use is often on his own.

I’ve calmed down a lot today. It upsets me and I don’t like the fact that he does it, but I’ve accepted that it’s his decision how he spends his spare time. If we were together, I wouldn’t put up with it but we’re not. As long as it doesn’t affect our daughter or the time he spends with her then I just need to live with it. I just feel so disappointed and hurt that he’s lied to me. But it’s not worth the aggro of having an argument with him over it. Keeping the information in my pocket should I ever need it.

You’ve posted a lot about this guy, I think this is the 3rd or 4th post since your child has been born, he’s the same guy that moved in with iou when you first had the baby but wasn’t helping out at all and you was becoming resentful because he wouldn’t change nappies? Then an argument over the birth certificate, you insisted you wanted to be friends with him, it was clear that wasn’t going to happen, I do think you shouldn’t be reading his messages, you have no right really, fwiw I agree about the drugs I wouldn’t like that at all as I don’t take drugs never have and don’t know anyone that does.

Not the point of the thread, but what smart watch is it? I’m wanting one where you can access past texts, not just new ones, but struggling to find one.

@maddy68

I actually think your overreacting. Many people take drugs recreationally and are perfectly safe around children 🙄. He's unlikely to be taking them when he's looking after a baby

I do think you're being a bit naive , I only know a few people that DONT take them in some form or another. Most are professional family people that have perfectly normal lives. The issue would be if he's addicted to coke.

I agree with that though I don't now know anyone who takes any drugs (but I am 'old'). Those that I did know were not under the influence all the time, it was recreational and they were quite able to function normally.

Op, you can surely judge if he is safe with his baby.

The tinder stuff is his business as you are not in a relationship.

Play it by ear, one day at a time.

@PumpkinKlNG I know I’ve posted a lot. I find it really difficult to gauge whether I’m being reasonable or not, especially in the haze of having a newborn. Getting my thoughts out in this way really helps me to work through things and see the situation from all angles. I find it really helpful. It’s far from an ideal situation but I’m trying to make the best of it for my baby. I know I had no right to read the messages, but I don’t regret it as I wouldn’t have known about the drugs otherwise and I’d much rather be aware of it and make sure that it doesn’t affect my baby.

@Simonjt that made me laugh! No idea what the watch is. It’s dead now. Doesn’t have a brand stamped on it or anything.

There’s nothing wrong with posting just that I felt you was being unrealistic on your last thread where you insisted you and him were going to be friends and raise the baby together, you’ve had so many issues in only 3 short months, you’ve got 18 years ahead of you, you and this guy are not going to be friends, being honest did part of you hope that him moving in with you to help with the baby would make him want to be a family?

You are completely over reacting about the drugs as long as he is not high or coming down when responsible for the child, or if the drug use is making him unreliable about seeing the kid. According to your posts on this thread that does not seem to be the case so it’s nothing to do with you.

You are not being unreasonable about making him pay maintenance.

You are completely and utterly unreasonable and controlling reading his text messages. What a massive invasion of privacy. If anyone did that to me they wouldn’t see me for dust. As for tinder, again, you are being totally controlling and unreasonable. It’s literally fuck all to do with you - back off.

@PumpkinKlNG ah okay, got you. It’s difficult as in between the issues, we do get on okay and it’s a much nicer environment when we’re on good terms. Maybe expecting us to be friends was a bit much.

@Glugglejug point taken, thanks.

Email to say I’ve been blocked from P*pple! Hadn’t even been able to do any work yet. Back to square one.

He probably wont be a part of your daughters life,if he keeps ongoing with the drugs, wasting himself and wasting his money.

I don’t think you can be mad about either as you say you didn’t know him before getting pregnant and it wasn’t a relationship so you can’t be mad if he took drugs before he isn’t going to suddenly stop, as for rinsed it’s normal for a mans life not to change at all before or after a baby, they go on to live their life as normal and the woman’s is the one that changes and makes all the sacrifices, I don’t think this guy seems like someone that will stick around but time will tell.

What do you mean you’ve been blocked?

And hopefully you are not still sleeping with this guy, that never ends well

@PoolNooodle posted that on the wrong thread! 🙈 was clearly half asleep during the night feed.

And yes, you’re right. I’ve calmed down and seen sense now. It’s none of my business as long as he does the right thing by our daughter. I was just so shocked to see the talk of drugs, and how often, after him telling me it was a one off. But it’s decision at the end of the day. I do wonder if there are more deep rooted issues to it but I’m not going to be the person he opens up to about that. No, not sleeping together!

I'm sorry you are in this position but this is why, years ago, women got to know their man before opening their legs to any Tom, Dick or Harry.

Gett rid of him for your child's sake.

What do you do? You never let him see the baby again.

@ConcernedAuntie so helpful, thanks!

ConcernedAuntie I don’t think that’s a fair comment it’s a bit too late to be saying that now anyway.

I would be keeping visits supervised for as long as possible if it was me.

@ConcernedAuntie

I'm sorry you are in this position but this is why, years ago, women got to know their man before opening their legs to any Tom, Dick or Harry.

Gett rid of him for your child's sake.

Years ago women couldn’t even vote or work

@ConcernedAuntie

They also couldn't vote, couldn't earn their own money, couldn't have a mortgage in their name, rape within marriage was legal... etc etc.

They also had dangerous backstreet abortions due to the shame and stigma of becoming single or unmarried mothers.

Thankfully society has progressed since then but people like you who say misogynist bullshit like "women got to know their man before opening their legs to any Tom, Dick or Harry" are holding back that progression.

Maybe engage your brain in future before writing such nonsense.

This comment has angered me you clearly take drugs yourself if you are of the mind that drug addicts or people who take drugs every week can look after a baby? What a joke of a comment