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Original poster

Found out my baby’s dad takes drugs - what do I do?

77 replies

swiftt · 14/09/2021 22:43

My head is spinning. I’ve posted about him before, but this feels like a whole new level and I need some opinions before I go batshit at this guy. My baby is 3 months old. I wasn’t in a relationship with her dad but he wanted to be involved. We’ve had ups and downs but generally been getting on okay. I get maintenance paid through CMS as he kept dragging his feet. He’s employed, good job. Comes from a good family. I know that doesn’t mean much but it’s making tonight’s revelation feel like even more of a kick in the teeth.

He’s very quiet, doesn’t tell me much. I’m getting used to that. When I first found out I was pregnant, I showed up at his place in a state of panic. He wouldn’t let me in. Eventually told me he’d taken Coke that night and wasn’t in the right frame of mind to talk to me. Said it was a one off. I’ve asked him since then to make sure it’s not a regular thing as I really am not keen to be involved with anyone that uses drugs. I’ve never taken anything. Maybe I’m naive and it’s more common than I think, so really not sure if my reaction tonight is reasonable but this is why I’m posting.

He sees baby 3 times a week. He gave her a bath tonight and when he left I noticed he left his watch in the bathroom. I didn’t realise it was a smart watch til I was brushing my teeth and noticed notifications pinging through. Tinder verification code. I shouldn’t have looked but I was curious. Next thing I’m reading texts from last week to his friend asking if he’s got drugs, that he fancies shrooms, something else about coke. The messages go back a couple of months and it seems to be a common theme. I just feel sick. I’m shaking. What do I do? Am I over reacting? Part of me wants to not my daughter anywhere near him! But I can’t think straight at the moment. I also saw messages from girls off tinder as early as a couple of weeks after our daughter is born. I know we’re not together and he can do what he likes, but I feel a bit sick at tinder being his priority then.

Please help me think straight.

OP posts:
earsup · 14/09/2021 23:55

I know plenty of middle class vegan types that do weekend coke or weed but coke is very addictive and expensive so i would be worried about that drug..plus all the paranoia that goes with it etc

Original poster
swiftt · 14/09/2021 23:57

I just wish I hadn’t even looked now. I can’t sleep. My head is just spinning.

OP posts:
Original poster
swiftt · 15/09/2021 04:59

I really need help with how to approach this with him. Do I say anything?

OP posts:
RedMarauder · 15/09/2021 05:17

You can drag out supervised visits until your child is 18 months to 2 years old as long as you remain friendly with him.

Don't accuse him of anything and try to find out by general talking when he takes the drugs. Specifically you are trying to find out if he takes them on Thursday and Friday nights as most overnights with kids are weekend nights e.g. Friday and Saturday.

RedMarauder · 15/09/2021 05:19

@MumW

I only know a few people that DONT take them in some form or another. Most are professional family people that have perfectly normal lives. 😱 I hope that it's just the circles you move in and not the world in general.
No it's very common.

The only people I know who don't engage regularly or at all are heavily into sports and fitness.

Original poster
swiftt · 15/09/2021 05:34

I’m still feeling angry but a bit more calm. He sees our daughter regularly and sticks to set days. He hasn’t let me down once since we agreed to these days. I think he waits til Friday nights to do drugs etc. I think I’m just feeling a bit hurt that this is how he wants to spend his time when he has such a tiny baby. It seems risky and selfish to me. I’d let him see her more if he wanted to, yet he’s spending his free time doing that instead. The being lied fo hurts as well. I don’t think he has a problem, I think he chooses fo do drugs rather than has to. He stayed with me for a couple of weeks when our daughter was born so obviously no drugs then. His parents come to stay at his some weekends too. Part of me is thinking well, it’s his free time and it’s not affecting his time with his daughter (at the moment anyway), so is it any of my business? The other part of me can’t shake how selfish it feels for him to be doing it at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
swiftt · 15/09/2021 05:37

@RedMarauder I don’t know anyone who takes drugs other than a bit of weed. Certainly no one in my friend group. He definitely isn’t wealthy either, and I worry about the people he associates with who are getting him the drugs. One of the factors in me going to CMS was him saying he was struggling for money when he started a new job. But can still spend god knows how much on coke? I just don’t understand how his priorities haven’t changed to be thinking along the lines of that money could be used or saved for his daughter rather than snorted sway. God, there’s loads of treats I’ve given up if we just look at it from a recreational point of view. I just don’t get it.

OP posts:
EIIa · 15/09/2021 05:43

You had a baby with a stranger though

twinningatlife · 15/09/2021 05:45

You had a baby with someone you barely
Knew and who you weren't in a relationship with - you have chosen to tie yourself to this man for the rest of your life. Rightly or wrongly lots of people do drugs and still function and obviously the tinder thing is none of your business really since you aren't together? He sees the baby at yours so it's not like she's going to be around it all? I think you have to let go

RedMarauder · 15/09/2021 05:46

He's not mature enough yet to actually want to bring up a child. Otherwise he wouldn't be dabbling with drugs.

Original poster
swiftt · 15/09/2021 05:48

@twinningatlife it just doesn’t sit right with me that he’s lied about it this whole time. He told me at the beginning that it was a one off but now it looks like it’s a regular thing. I feel like a mug for believing that.

OP posts:
SimplySteveRedux · 15/09/2021 05:48

I think he chooses fo do drugs rather than has to

Coke addiction hits quickly and withdrawal is an utter bitch.

RedMarauder · 15/09/2021 05:50

[quote swiftt]@twinningatlife it just doesn’t sit right with me that he’s lied about it this whole time. He told me at the beginning that it was a one off but now it looks like it’s a regular thing. I feel like a mug for believing that.[/quote]
Addicts lie and manipulate.

It is really important for your daughter's ongoing safety you try and remain on good terms with him.

Tiredmum122 · 15/09/2021 05:53

If you still have the watch I would take photographs to prove the drug discussion on the text. The speak frankly to him about it. To be frank if you decide to stop access you need to have evidence of why you are doing so. I would also take advice from a solicitor trained in family law about your next steps. If anything happened to.your child and you are found to know about this you can be blamed for not protecting your child and if you allege he takes drugs without evidence to back.it up you can be accused of alienation. I would stop access until you have spoken to.a solicitor and follow their advice from there.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 15/09/2021 05:56

I'm as straightlaced as they come, but I honestly cannot see how it is any of your business what he does when he is not with your child.

If he drinks, takes drugs and surfs tinder on the days he is not responsible for her, then that is nothing to do with you.

He is not your partner and all you can insist on is that he is not impaired around your daughter.

I would be furious if my xh felt he could dictate what I did on the days when I am child-free.

I would give him his watch back, be glad of this new awareness so that I could stop hankering after a relationship with him and be vigilant on days he's collecting/dropping off your daughter.

Original poster
swiftt · 15/09/2021 06:03

@fourminutestosavetheworld this is more how I am thinking about it after having slept (albeit only for a couple of hours) on it. As long as it isn’t affecting our daughter, which it isn’t as all contact supervised at the moment anyway and he shows up when he says he will, then how can I really bring it up as an issue? I don’t like it. And I think I’ll try and bring it up in conversation, but I don’t think making a mountain out of a mole hill here will do me any favours. I think I was just utterly shocked when I read the messages.

OP posts:
fourminutestosavetheworld · 15/09/2021 06:03

And I don't think you can really be surprised that he has lied about taking drugs on a Friday night or being on tinder. You are not in a relationship and he doesn't need to talk to you about his private life. It would be quite crass and inappropriate to talk to you about tinder wouldn't it? I think you both need some boundaries - lunch with his parents and going to his sisters wedding are muddying the water.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 15/09/2021 06:06

Cross posted with you op. I'm glad you are feeling more accepting. I think you should raise it if you need to. At least now you are aware of this, you can be vigilant, delay unsupervised access if necessary etc

esloquehay · 15/09/2021 06:07

@swiftt
I imagine seeing him on Tinder must have been difficult for you so soon after your baby's birth. However, it's none of your business and you looking at his messages was an unacceptable invasion of privacy.
Someone said about cutting your losses. No. Just no. You can't just cut him out without consequences. He is the child's father.
The drugs? That's another thing...
No, it's not ideal that your baby's father takes drugs, but it is now on you, having snooped, to open a calm, open dialogue with him.
You say he sees baby 3 X a week and you receive maintenance through CMS. That's a lot more steady than from some non-resident parents, and you say he has not let you down yet...
I think you are overreacting and coming from a naïve/different world view to him.
It's entirely up to you, and safeguarding your child is of primary importance, however (after apologising to him from unacceptably snooping) I'd give him the opportunity to speak his truth (or otherwise).

mummaelle · 15/09/2021 06:08

You're not going to like to hear this but you are not in a relationship with him!! You shouldn't be snooping at this phone or worried about who he's texting how soon after you had your child.
And the drugs thing, if he just takes drugs socially and isn't high when he's around his baby and doesn't have drugs around the house then that's also not your business.
Put your feelings aside and just coparent for your baby

Maggie178 · 15/09/2021 06:18

It sounds like at the moment he is sticking to regularly agreed contact. He's not high when he turns up. Contact is a positive thing for your child.
I know you must be disappointed that he lied and he's not the person you thought he was. He sounds like he still has alot of growing up to do.
While contact is positive for your baby you must do your best to maintain it.

EileenGC · 15/09/2021 06:32

I wonder how many of these posters saying it’s fine wouldn’t be at all worried if someone said to them, ‘look, this is your future child’s dad, he will do drugs every weekend but that’s not so bad, he’ll also have the baby unsupervised in a few months/years, but you have nothing to worry about’.

Let’s be honest, how many people wouldn’t be worried about that? Or do all your partners/babies’ fathers do drugs and you’re okay with that?

You’re not naive OP - you sound like a responsible adult who knows the damage drug use causes. He wouldn’t be let anywhere around my baby if a regular drug user.

RedMarauder · 15/09/2021 07:14

@EileenGC The posters on here are trying to get the OP to be realistic.

My DP and a few other parents we know have been through the Family Court process. Recreation drug use isn't a barrier to having unsupervised access to children including young children.

As he comes from a "good family" as the OP states, he has no criminal convictions, no SS involvement and is clean around the OP then he's likely to take it to Court and will get unsupervised access from about 14 months (or whenever the Court process is finished). It is better for the OP to not kick up a fuss so she can maintain supervised access.

.

HighlandCowbag · 15/09/2021 07:19

Recreational drug use won't stop access. And even addictive drug behaviour won't stop access as long as the drug use doesn't affect the parents ability to care for the child.

Also, incidentally I think there was maybe a thread about your 'sil' wedding the other week and how best to facilitate your child attending. Did the father want to take her alone originally?

Original poster
swiftt · 15/09/2021 07:41

@HighlandCowbag yep, he did want to take her alone originally. I doubt his parents have a clue about the drugs. It all just makes his Disney dad act so much more frustrating to sit back and watch.

OP posts:
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