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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a bully to my DD?

122 replies

DoIBully · 14/09/2021 21:16

Age 7, Year 3.

She gets tired at school and when she gets tired she has absolutely awful meltdown /tantrums (Not sure which is the right way to describe it) where she refuses to walk, ends up hitting me, kicking me etc.

If these happen at home I can easily walk away to another room, leave her to calm down and then love bomb her until bedtime once she’s calm.

It’s just me and her (and our pet) at home.

Since going back to school she’s been having these meltdowns/tantrums right outside the school gates, more or less as soon as I’ve got her through the gates. Not only is it embarrassing to have my 7 year old hitting me in front of the HT, it’s quite dangerous as I can’t easily and safely carry her plus backpack plus library bag/art folder/lunchbox home and I am worried she’ll hit or hurt one of the smaller children (school starts at age 3). She just goes into a rage and doesn’t know what she’s doing - the HT described her like that when she’s witnessed DD like this, she says it’s not DD and she doesn’t recognise that behaviour from her normally – shes generally pretty chilled out even with me.

Tonight and Friday night we played a new game, the silent game. Apart from blinking, breathing and the sound of our footsteps, no noise from our body was allowed. Whoever managed it got a biscuit at home. Obviously I didn’t actually punish for her talking/walking/laughing. But it did help to focus her and it worked! DD managed to “hold in” the rage until we got home where she could safely let out her emotions and we could then settle down for a nice evening together – we live half a mile from school so this was for about 15-20 minutes if that.

A family member of mine has said that doing this is bullying my DD and they’re surprised the HT hasn’t stepped in to stop me from playing this with DD.

Am I honestly harming her or bullying her? She gets plenty of attention after the meltdown/tantrum has passed, we’ll do her homework together, read her school book, play a board game, as well as eat, and we always have a cuddle in bed before she goes to sleep.

AIBU or is the family member right?

Age 7, Year 3.

She gets tired at school and when she gets tired she has absolutely awful meltdown /tantrums (Not sure which is the right way to describe it) where she refuses to walk, ends up hitting me, kicking me etc.

If these happen at home I can easily walk away to another room, leave her to calm down and then love bomb her until bedtime once she’s calm.

It’s just me and her (and our pet) at home.

Since going back to school she’s been having these meltdowns/tantrums right outside the school gates, more or less as soon as I’ve got her through the gates. Not only is it embarrassing to have my 7 year old hitting me in front of the HT, it’s quite dangerous as I can’t easily and safely carry her plus backpack plus library bag/art folder/lunchbox home and I am worried she’ll hit or hurt one of the smaller children (school starts at age 3). She just goes into a rage and doesn’t know what she’s doing - the HT described her like that when she’s witnessed DD like this, she says it’s not DD and she doesn’t recognise that behaviour from her normally – shes generally pretty chilled out even with me.

Tonight and Friday night we played a new game, the silent game. Apart from blinking, breathing and the sound of our footsteps, no noise from our body was allowed. Whoever managed it got a biscuit at home. Obviously I didn’t actually punish for her talking/walking/laughing. But it did help to focus her and it worked! DD managed to “hold in” the rage until we got home where she could safely let out her emotions and we could then settle down for a nice evening together – we live half a mile from school so this was for about 15-20 minutes if that.

A family member of mine has said that doing this is bullying my DD and they’re surprised the HT hasn’t stepped in to stop me from playing this with DD.

Am I honestly harming her or bullying her? She gets plenty of attention after the meltdown/tantrum has passed, we’ll do her homework together, read her school book, play a board game, as well as eat, and we always have a cuddle in bed before she goes to sleep.

AIBU or is the family member right?

OP posts:
FortVictoria · 14/09/2021 21:22

What solution would your family member offer? Criticisms are easy, solutions not so much! I think you have devised an excellent game to keep the lid on public meltdowns. Good for you.

HotPenguin · 14/09/2021 21:23

Hi my son is just like this. He is on the autistic spectrum and basically he holds it all together at school then when he sees me all the emotion comes out. It is difficult but your headteacher should have seen this before and should know that your DD is "decompressing". I'm not saying your DD is autistic but it does suggest she finds school challenging.

I don't think your game is mean as you aren't forcing her or punishing, and if it is physically difficult to get her home it sounds sensible. I would suggest you should also try to work out what is causing this build up of emotion at school.

ViciousJackdaw · 14/09/2021 21:24

Does she have ASD then? It's just you mention 'meltdowns' so it might be useful to clarify.

plodalong12 · 14/09/2021 21:24

How often has the family member intervened to offer practical help to you? Or do they just enjoy shouting advice from the safety of the sidelines?

Ionlydomassiveones · 14/09/2021 21:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
DoIBully · 14/09/2021 21:26

@HotPenguin

Hi my son is just like this. He is on the autistic spectrum and basically he holds it all together at school then when he sees me all the emotion comes out. It is difficult but your headteacher should have seen this before and should know that your DD is "decompressing". I'm not saying your DD is autistic but it does suggest she finds school challenging.

I don't think your game is mean as you aren't forcing her or punishing, and if it is physically difficult to get her home it sounds sensible. I would suggest you should also try to work out what is causing this build up of emotion at school.

She says school is hard, and she gets tired. School can't find anything in particular upsetting her. She seems to love school, runs in without a backwards glance in the morning, eats all her lunch, takes part in lessons, has friends.

Headteacher doesn't seem phased or upset by DDs behaviour. She has stepped in a few times when the hitting was getting really bad and taken DD aside. She's also spoken to DD during the school day.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoIBully · 14/09/2021 21:27

@ViciousJackdaw

Does she have ASD then? It's just you mention 'meltdowns' so it might be useful to clarify.
No diagnosises at all, and school don't know what causes her to tantrum/meltdown at home as she goes into school fine, eats, appears to have genuine friends.
OP posts:
secular39 · 14/09/2021 21:28

Well done! You are teaching her how to self regulate. Be warned, this may not be a long term solution but it's working from
Now. No offence but that family member could butt out, is she dealing with your child's meltdowns on a daily basis, does she have a child who is constantly hitting her? Is she going to be the one who will sit by your side if school expel your child due to their meltdowns (not saying this is happening to you but has happened to other children that I know of)-- if not, please live your life and do what's best for your child.

Original poster
DoIBully · 14/09/2021 21:28

@Ionlydomassiveones

If the ‘game’ works and gets you through then it’s fine. It’s called parenting and sometimes that means tough love. But I would certainly investigating why school tires her out so much and such a dramatic decompression is necessary as soon as she is out if the gates. It sounds to me as if she is overwhelmed and she probably needs some support in managing this.
School can't find any reason for it. She seems fine there, eats, has friends, teacher says she's making expected progress.
OP posts:
user1471462428 · 14/09/2021 21:28

I think it’s actually a very bright way of dealing with it and all power to you for trying to protect other children.

minipie · 14/09/2021 21:28

I think the silent game sounds absolutely genius and I wish I’d thought of it for when my DD used to do the same.

I agree it’s worth trying to work out why she gets so tired and why she gets into this meltdown/red mist mode. In my DD’s case there are medical reasons (mild degree of cerebral palsy).

Iggly · 14/09/2021 21:30

She’s just started year 3? Has it always been this way? Or just y3?

The jump to y3 is a big change for kids, the teachers always warn about it in our school..

Original poster
DoIBully · 14/09/2021 21:32

@Iggly

She’s just started year 3? Has it always been this way? Or just y3?

The jump to y3 is a big change for kids, the teachers always warn about it in our school..

Just started y3 yes. She's always been a bit like this at the start of the school year but isn't usually this bad and usually settles after a day or two. This is the longest it's ever gone on for and the worst it's ever been, I'm hoping as term goes on and she adjust she'll calm down.
OP posts:
ParisNext · 14/09/2021 21:32

My dd is now 10 but was like yours for a while. I’m my experience it’s pure hunger and thirst so I greeted her with a mini snickers or flapjack and really cold water before walking. Never asked how her day was etc just dealt with the physical needs. At home I then gave her a bath or shower straight away so no tiredness later and meal straight away too. Then total down time until early-ish bed. We did no clubs, no homework, no play dates nothing extra at all and I fed her more than usual. She grew a lot physically and mentally matured but you’re doing a great job to have a tactic. My daughter is summer born and very small for her age and I had to collect her in a pushchair until end of reception class. Do feed and water first and I think no amount of so called discipline works when tiredness and overwhelming feelings from school are in play so cuddles and time. Ignore everyone who thinks they are the experts!

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 14/09/2021 21:34

It’s actually a genius idea. Bloody brilliant.

I wish I’d thought of it to use with my raging child. She flips out and nothing stops it, then I get overwhelmed by the noise and sensory overload (I know exactly why she flips as I have the same problem but it doesn’t mean I can cope with it) and lose my rag.

Now I’m going to try the silent game. We can try being ninjas together.

Maray1967 · 14/09/2021 21:34

It sounds like an inspired solution. She gets home safely and can let it out then and is learning to manage it better, and the walk home might help to reduce the level of outburst as well.

Marcee · 14/09/2021 21:35

I know it sounds simple, but have you tried taking a snack when you pick her up?

Something she can munch on, a piece of fruit or crisps. Maybe handing her a packet of crisps will keep her busy on the way home.

My kid is usually tired and pretty hangry at the end of the school day.

Original poster
DoIBully · 14/09/2021 21:36

@ParisNext

My dd is now 10 but was like yours for a while. I’m my experience it’s pure hunger and thirst so I greeted her with a mini snickers or flapjack and really cold water before walking. Never asked how her day was etc just dealt with the physical needs. At home I then gave her a bath or shower straight away so no tiredness later and meal straight away too. Then total down time until early-ish bed. We did no clubs, no homework, no play dates nothing extra at all and I fed her more than usual. She grew a lot physically and mentally matured but you’re doing a great job to have a tactic. My daughter is summer born and very small for her age and I had to collect her in a pushchair until end of reception class. Do feed and water first and I think no amount of so called discipline works when tiredness and overwhelming feelings from school are in play so cuddles and time. Ignore everyone who thinks they are the experts!
My DD still used her pushchair until half way through Year 1, and she wasn't the only one. I quite often spotted her classmates pulling yiunger siblings out of pushchairs to use for the walk home.

She can't easily walk and eat and there's no benches near to school otherwise I'd try that tactic. She does get fed as soon as she's calmed down from the meltdown/tantrum though.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoIBully · 14/09/2021 21:37

@Marcee

I know it sounds simple, but have you tried taking a snack when you pick her up?

Something she can munch on, a piece of fruit or crisps. Maybe handing her a packet of crisps will keep her busy on the way home.

My kid is usually tired and pretty hangry at the end of the school day.

She can't easily walk and eat, it slows her right down. School have commented she's a slow eater there too but it's not so bad they're concerned.
OP posts:
Autumngoldleaf · 14/09/2021 21:37

It sounds quite ingenious to me as its teaching her to control her emotions?

Meatshake · 14/09/2021 21:41

I daresay my kids teacher thinks similarly of me- I'm autistic, my 4 year old is neurodiverse but not sure where she falls yet (either ASD or sensory processing). I say hi, hug her if she initiates (normally not), and then we walk off until it's quiet enough for both of us. I let her lead the conversation when she is ready.

As leaving is a trigger to bad behaviour, I wonder if school would let her leave 5 mins early or keep her til last. School pick up is so chaotic and noisy that I struggle even as an adult.

Original poster
DoIBully · 14/09/2021 21:44

@Meatshake

I daresay my kids teacher thinks similarly of me- I'm autistic, my 4 year old is neurodiverse but not sure where she falls yet (either ASD or sensory processing). I say hi, hug her if she initiates (normally not), and then we walk off until it's quiet enough for both of us. I let her lead the conversation when she is ready.

As leaving is a trigger to bad behaviour, I wonder if school would let her leave 5 mins early or keep her til last. School pick up is so chaotic and noisy that I struggle even as an adult.

Thats something to think about and talk to school about, it is very chaotic as we now have all 7 year groups leaving at the same time as well as parents trying to get to the nursery classroom for pickup from there so it can get very chaotic and mad. I wonder if it is that thank you
OP posts:
HotPenguin · 14/09/2021 21:51

Hi OP I wonder if it's worth keeping in the back of your mind that there could be an underlying problem like autism. Girls with autism are often missed because they hide it well and don't always present the same as boys. The social demands of school increase as children get older and so a child with autism may start to struggle more and their behaviour may start to look more markedly different than when they are younger and meltdowns are common for everyone.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 14/09/2021 21:56

Sounds like you are doing a brilliant job teaching her to take control of herself.
They have all been in and out of school so much since all the madness began It's no wonder she is ramping up with the behaviour, it's all very intense and overwhelming.
My 16 year old has taken to having a short nap when she gets in and even taking herself off to bed at a decent hour. She's shattered from it all.

Iggly · 14/09/2021 21:57

It may be just exhausting for her and she’s tired and hungry coming out. I would probably stop somewhere a minute away and give her a snack and just let her eat it. Agree beforehand that’s what you’re going to do.

But the silent game sounds ace, not bullying.

I would email the teacher and say she’s struggling when she’s out of school and you want some advice.

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