Am I a bully to my DD?

[DoIBully]

Age 7, Year 3.

She gets tired at school and when she gets tired she has absolutely awful meltdown /tantrums (Not sure which is the right way to describe it) where she refuses to walk, ends up hitting me, kicking me etc.

If these happen at home I can easily walk away to another room, leave her to calm down and then love bomb her until bedtime once she’s calm.

It’s just me and her (and our pet) at home.

Since going back to school she’s been having these meltdowns/tantrums right outside the school gates, more or less as soon as I’ve got her through the gates. Not only is it embarrassing to have my 7 year old hitting me in front of the HT, it’s quite dangerous as I can’t easily and safely carry her plus backpack plus library bag/art folder/lunchbox home and I am worried she’ll hit or hurt one of the smaller children (school starts at age 3). She just goes into a rage and doesn’t know what she’s doing - the HT described her like that when she’s witnessed DD like this, she says it’s not DD and she doesn’t recognise that behaviour from her normally – shes generally pretty chilled out even with me.

Tonight and Friday night we played a new game, the silent game. Apart from blinking, breathing and the sound of our footsteps, no noise from our body was allowed. Whoever managed it got a biscuit at home. Obviously I didn’t actually punish for her talking/walking/laughing. But it did help to focus her and it worked! DD managed to “hold in” the rage until we got home where she could safely let out her emotions and we could then settle down for a nice evening together – we live half a mile from school so this was for about 15-20 minutes if that.

A family member of mine has said that doing this is bullying my DD and they’re surprised the HT hasn’t stepped in to stop me from playing this with DD.

Am I honestly harming her or bullying her? She gets plenty of attention after the meltdown/tantrum has passed, we’ll do her homework together, read her school book, play a board game, as well as eat, and we always have a cuddle in bed before she goes to sleep.

AIBU or is the family member right?

Age 7, Year 3.

She gets tired at school and when she gets tired she has absolutely awful meltdown /tantrums (Not sure which is the right way to describe it) where she refuses to walk, ends up hitting me, kicking me etc.

If these happen at home I can easily walk away to another room, leave her to calm down and then love bomb her until bedtime once she’s calm.

It’s just me and her (and our pet) at home.

Since going back to school she’s been having these meltdowns/tantrums right outside the school gates, more or less as soon as I’ve got her through the gates. Not only is it embarrassing to have my 7 year old hitting me in front of the HT, it’s quite dangerous as I can’t easily and safely carry her plus backpack plus library bag/art folder/lunchbox home and I am worried she’ll hit or hurt one of the smaller children (school starts at age 3). She just goes into a rage and doesn’t know what she’s doing - the HT described her like that when she’s witnessed DD like this, she says it’s not DD and she doesn’t recognise that behaviour from her normally – shes generally pretty chilled out even with me.

Tonight and Friday night we played a new game, the silent game. Apart from blinking, breathing and the sound of our footsteps, no noise from our body was allowed. Whoever managed it got a biscuit at home. Obviously I didn’t actually punish for her talking/walking/laughing. But it did help to focus her and it worked! DD managed to “hold in” the rage until we got home where she could safely let out her emotions and we could then settle down for a nice evening together – we live half a mile from school so this was for about 15-20 minutes if that.

A family member of mine has said that doing this is bullying my DD and they’re surprised the HT hasn’t stepped in to stop me from playing this with DD.

Am I honestly harming her or bullying her? She gets plenty of attention after the meltdown/tantrum has passed, we’ll do her homework together, read her school book, play a board game, as well as eat, and we always have a cuddle in bed before she goes to sleep.

AIBU or is the family member right?

I wouldn't see this as bullying what so ever. Just an attempt to manage a difficult situation as best you can. Not sure what the family member is adding though. Doesn't seem anything positive.

I’ve not read all the replies but I’ve had similar.

You sound like you’re doing well, finding strategies to help her regulate until she’s in a safe space.

I agree with the food thing (and I don’t care how unhealthy it is so long as I get something in ASAP as that helps).

Whilst it’s worth getting ASD checked out (I did), my DC didn’t meet the criteria. Mainly as she will hold eye contact and is sociable.

I spoke to school and have done a lot of reading. The thing that helped me the most was reading ‘the highly sensitive child’ signposted to me by school. I really recommend it for understanding and ideas.

This just popped up on my FB and seemed appropriate to put here.

@bootsyjam

This happened to a close friend of mine and it turned out her daughter had learning difficulties, hence the meltdowns at school/after school as she really hated going. I should add that the issue isn't autism, it's dyslexia or something related to this. The child gets very frustrated either going or coming back from school and would melt down and scream as she couldn't follow what was going on in class.

Of course your experience doesn't mean that this is the case, but it could be one thing to investigate and take off the list?

Actually now you mention it she has struggled with her reading, and her spelling and handwriting where described as "immature" in both Year 1 and 2 reports.

My ExH is very badly dyslexic, so there might be something in that. I will definitely mention it to the GP and her school.

Thank you so much to everyone else for the reassurances as well. I do doubt myself especially when "helpful" relatives say stuff like I'm bullying her, when all I've ever wanted is the best for her.

She's lucky to have you.

I actually think it's helping! Did the same again tonight and she got in, had a bit of a stamp and a cry then sat in her room (by choice) for about 10 minutes then came out asking for food.

Do you think you are actually helping, or forcing her to internalise her feelings for your own convenience? I'm not saying that to be harsh, but I'm genuinely concerned that if you force her to internalise how she is feeling it could have bad impact on her mental health and her relationship with you. She melts down with you because you are her safe place after holding it in all day.
I don't think it's enough to play this game and leave it at that anyway.

@flibberyjibbery8.. it's the same oppression of feelings that happens all day at school.. it is an extension of that. To suggest that the OP should act otherwise while not making changes at school puts all the solution at her feet whereas due to societal expectations, she is not free to allow her daughter to wear her self out tantruming at school before taking her home. I think she has found a good compromise for now until she can work out what else is needed to help her daughter.

I don't think it's forcing her to internalise feelings as its a temporary short lived postponement of the release she needs until she gets home. And one which is probably quite calming. I'm sure op said she was also looking at what else might help as prevention rather than management of the issue.

School support plan being written, she's been struggling in class which I wasn't aware of as they didn't know if it was covid or just her. They're putting a plan in place and want me to feed back what she's like at home after a few weeks.

Still speaking to the GP next week to see if there's another cause.

I feel awful and guilty I didn't notice she's struggling. But it does explain the meltdowns. Behaviour wise she's fine at school though so makes sense she lets it all out at home.

Asd screamed day me because my ds with asd was the same. It was like a switch going on as he left the gates as he just couldn't confirm anymore.

Aside from that the game is a great idea as opposed to bullying. You are teaching her to manage her emotions and release anger at an appropriate time in an appropriate way.

I'd tell family members to fuck off or do the school run for you!

Thank your family member for offering to do the school pick ups every day.

What you are doing is working. That's a win.

The silent game is genius. I hope it continues to work!

I still have days where all I want at the end of the day is for nobody to talk to me for twenty minutes, no TV, no lights, nothing. Other times I just want to get my gear on and go for a run before I'm anything near human or able to make conversation and eat. And my day always starts better if I have half an hour of silence before I leave, instead of DP making noise, putting on the TV (absolutely banned now) or clattering around in my vicinity.

Your brilliant idea of The Silent Game is you promising her that you won't overload her with questions or more noise, all she has to do is put one foot in front of the other and get home. You're giving her a rest mentally from any demands - which is why she still talks and smiles at you.

The relative is interpreting it as DD not being allowed to say anything, even if she wants to and being told off/punished by not having a biscuit when you get home if she dares to speak, which would be cruel.

@DoIBully

School support plan being written, she's been struggling in class which I wasn't aware of as they didn't know if it was covid or just her. They're putting a plan in place and want me to feed back what she's like at home after a few weeks.

Still speaking to the GP next week to see if there's another cause.

I feel awful and guilty I didn't notice she's struggling. But it does explain the meltdowns. Behaviour wise she's fine at school though so makes sense she lets it all out at home.

Well done, you're doing everything right X x don't feel bad because you didn't realise, feel proud because you're giving her what she needs 👍

How is she letting out her emotions at home? Has she got some things to help her - say pillows to punch or squeezy toys to squeeze. This is quite unusual behaviour for a 7 year old, I wouldn't be surprised if she later got diagnosed with asd, it wasn't obvious in mine till around secondary age.

the quiet game sounds genius OP - she's overloaded by a day of noise and keeping it together, and it gives her some decompression time. It may get worse for a few years due to pre-puberty and hormone stuff, but you've got good instincts xxx

As a NT adult, I would sometimes get home from school and crash the living daylights out of the piano, and was just better left alone - and I was the teacher!
I think your tactic of acknowledging her feelings and showing her how to deal with them is obviously working for you and her. She will be reassured that you understand that she is tired and hungry, and has been controlling her impulses all day, and when she is calming down a bit, I would praise her for her skill at the "silent game" and ask if there is anything else that would help her "let off steam", while acknowledging that her feelings are real and understandable.

As an ex teacher, the silence game is great. Would it be so hard for her to eat an alpen bar or something similar before you set off walking? If you chat at the school gates shed'd have eaten most of it by the time you set off .

My dd has mild sn and would meltdown like this after school...I'd often be found standing exasperated on the pavement outside the gates whilst she screamed and cried and kicked me. Your solution is great...what you've actually done is removed any pressure on her to talk or discuss her day. Quiet time to decompress

@Tal45

How is she letting out her emotions at home? Has she got some things to help her - say pillows to punch or squeezy toys to squeeze. This is quite unusual behaviour for a 7 year old, I wouldn't be surprised if she later got diagnosed with asd, it wasn't obvious in mine till around secondary age.

She stamps her feet, shouts and screams a lot. Throws herself around on the floor, occasionally throws something - usually the clothes she's wearing or a soft toy.

@CSIblonde

As an ex teacher, the silence game is great. Would it be so hard for her to eat an alpen bar or something similar before you set off walking? If you chat at the school gates shed'd have eaten most of it by the time you set off .

There is literally nowhere to stop, the school playground has removable benches that go away after playtimes, the school has a narrow pavement outside and is on a main road so short of stopping on the pavement and stopping the rest of the school from leaving I can't stop anywhere, hence why I'd have to carry her if she's melting down right outside school. The nearest place to stop is actually a piece of grass opposite my house, I might as well take her home.

Not allowed to talk to the teachers at collection, they email or call you if you need to talk to them and they arrange an appointment for you to go in and sit down with them.