Am I a bully to my DD?

[DoIBully]

Age 7, Year 3.

She gets tired at school and when she gets tired she has absolutely awful meltdown /tantrums (Not sure which is the right way to describe it) where she refuses to walk, ends up hitting me, kicking me etc.

If these happen at home I can easily walk away to another room, leave her to calm down and then love bomb her until bedtime once she’s calm.

It’s just me and her (and our pet) at home.

Since going back to school she’s been having these meltdowns/tantrums right outside the school gates, more or less as soon as I’ve got her through the gates. Not only is it embarrassing to have my 7 year old hitting me in front of the HT, it’s quite dangerous as I can’t easily and safely carry her plus backpack plus library bag/art folder/lunchbox home and I am worried she’ll hit or hurt one of the smaller children (school starts at age 3). She just goes into a rage and doesn’t know what she’s doing - the HT described her like that when she’s witnessed DD like this, she says it’s not DD and she doesn’t recognise that behaviour from her normally – shes generally pretty chilled out even with me.

Tonight and Friday night we played a new game, the silent game. Apart from blinking, breathing and the sound of our footsteps, no noise from our body was allowed. Whoever managed it got a biscuit at home. Obviously I didn’t actually punish for her talking/walking/laughing. But it did help to focus her and it worked! DD managed to “hold in” the rage until we got home where she could safely let out her emotions and we could then settle down for a nice evening together – we live half a mile from school so this was for about 15-20 minutes if that.

A family member of mine has said that doing this is bullying my DD and they’re surprised the HT hasn’t stepped in to stop me from playing this with DD.

Am I honestly harming her or bullying her? She gets plenty of attention after the meltdown/tantrum has passed, we’ll do her homework together, read her school book, play a board game, as well as eat, and we always have a cuddle in bed before she goes to sleep.

AIBU or is the family member right?

Age 7, Year 3.

She gets tired at school and when she gets tired she has absolutely awful meltdown /tantrums (Not sure which is the right way to describe it) where she refuses to walk, ends up hitting me, kicking me etc.

If these happen at home I can easily walk away to another room, leave her to calm down and then love bomb her until bedtime once she’s calm.

It’s just me and her (and our pet) at home.

Since going back to school she’s been having these meltdowns/tantrums right outside the school gates, more or less as soon as I’ve got her through the gates. Not only is it embarrassing to have my 7 year old hitting me in front of the HT, it’s quite dangerous as I can’t easily and safely carry her plus backpack plus library bag/art folder/lunchbox home and I am worried she’ll hit or hurt one of the smaller children (school starts at age 3). She just goes into a rage and doesn’t know what she’s doing - the HT described her like that when she’s witnessed DD like this, she says it’s not DD and she doesn’t recognise that behaviour from her normally – shes generally pretty chilled out even with me.

Tonight and Friday night we played a new game, the silent game. Apart from blinking, breathing and the sound of our footsteps, no noise from our body was allowed. Whoever managed it got a biscuit at home. Obviously I didn’t actually punish for her talking/walking/laughing. But it did help to focus her and it worked! DD managed to “hold in” the rage until we got home where she could safely let out her emotions and we could then settle down for a nice evening together – we live half a mile from school so this was for about 15-20 minutes if that.

A family member of mine has said that doing this is bullying my DD and they’re surprised the HT hasn’t stepped in to stop me from playing this with DD.

Am I honestly harming her or bullying her? She gets plenty of attention after the meltdown/tantrum has passed, we’ll do her homework together, read her school book, play a board game, as well as eat, and we always have a cuddle in bed before she goes to sleep.

AIBU or is the family member right?

“She’s not like that here”

I wonder how many parents, particularly of children with ASD, have heard that? It is a get out clause for the school and handily, let’s them blame the parent for the behaviour.

DD has a friend with ASD who does brilliantly at school, but he melts down as soon as he gets home. Ever heard of the shaken coke bottle theory? You can shake it all day with no problem, but the minute you take the lid off, it’s a problem.

She says she finds it hard and gets tired. What exactly is it she finds hard? It might not be just the work, if she is spending all day keeping her feelings in check, no wonder she is tired. Might be worth speaking to the school again or to the GP to see if they can do a bit more digging.

Following on from what I said before about food-if she can’t walk and eat literally get her to quickly bite a biscuit or take a milkshake. My dd had protein shake tyke drinks she ate so slowly at lunch that school rushed her and she did not eat enough. If she has a packed lunch you can monitor it more easily and I changed from bread to wraps as they are more calorie dense but easy to eat. I’d treat it as a physical issue and try not to worry.

I forgot to say that where I live now (not U.K.) children can have apple juice at last break to regulate blood sugar before home time so could you take a carton?

You are pretty much describing how autistic girls mask at school but, as with the coke bottle analogy, explode when they leave.

Have a Google about autism in girls, autistic masking, the coke bottle analogy and the stress bucket analogy. How much applies to your daughter?

This seems like a useful collection of infographics:

myausomegirl.wordpress.com/2019/03/11/dummies-guide-to-autistic-masking/

@ParisNext

Following on from what I said before about food-if she can’t walk and eat literally get her to quickly bite a biscuit or take a milkshake. My dd had protein shake tyke drinks she ate so slowly at lunch that school rushed her and she did not eat enough. If she has a packed lunch you can monitor it more easily and I changed from bread to wraps as they are more calorie dense but easy to eat. I’d treat it as a physical issue and try not to worry.

She's not so slow it's a concern, she's eating a good amount (probably 3/4s of her dinner). Packed lunches didn't make much difference and she's not a big lover of bread or wraps so it was similar timings with pasta or whatever.

The game sounds like a fun way to help her to keep holding herself together until she can get home. You do it too so it doesn’t sound punitive. Great idea IMO - help her to build her regulation skills.

I agree that trying to work out if anything is stressing her out at school could help. It might just be the stress of managing complex social situations all day as well as the academic work - it’s quite a lot to get back used to after a few weeks off.

I second the snack and drink. I used to literally put a biscuit in DS mouth as soon as he came out for a while because I had similar - very embarrassing - situations. He’d be starving. Eating is also quite settling for the body. If we are eating then our threat system figures all is well with the world and takes a break. Sucking a water bottle also has a settling effect. Take bite sized snacks that she can chew while walking and an on the go sports top water bottle. Good luck.

Do the school have an after school club? If so do they offer snacks? Could you pick her up 20 minutes later once she had been to the club and been able to have a drink and something to eat?
That way she's had something to eat and avoids the stress of the pick up chaos. She's also not singled out by being picked up early.

Sounds like a great plan that's working up get her home safely.

I would also look up autism in girls, there are some good websites which others have posted before.

But I think the game is a great idea!

I think that it's a great idea. However, I would have a few other games up my sleeve for when the novelty of the silent game wears off. Maybe spotting certain things, listening for sounds, avoiding cracks etc. Just anything that culminates in a distraction and game.

That is a genius idea and your relative is nuts.

I think the silent game sounds absolutely genius and I wish I’d thought of it for when my DD used to do the same.

^I was thinking the same! My DD1 (now 12) used to be exactly like your DD, with violent meltdowns as soon as she came out of school.

She grew out of them after a couple of very difficult years, to encourage you. She can still get very angry, but she expresses it by shouting and slamming doors. (Well, she’s nearly a teenager!! )

Your relative is an idiot. How is the quiet game bullying lol. Christ almighty what a ridiculous relative you have

Parenting is a high percentage of time spent finding novel ways of distracting small children. From tantrums, from touching things, from licking things.

Distraction is what the game is. Distraction is your best tool here. Ignore your weird relative.

I have one on spectrum. He did exactly this masking and release. Learning tolerance is no bad thing. She feels safe with you. Ignore your family member who knows absolutely nothing,

I think the silent game offers her a focus that gets her home. You're doing the right thing by giving her that and then letting her allow it all out at home without punishing her.

She screams 'masking' to me too. Girls manifest autism very differently from boys. I have a friend whose DD was very like yours - she was diagnosed a couple of years ago, at age 11. Having the diagnosis has really helped everyone put coping mechanisms in place.

Good luck. Your relative is 100% wrong.

I'd give her something to eat at the school gate.

Great game. Even have a rhyme in this house:

Silence in the monkey house
Silence in the court
The biggest monkey in the world
Is now about to talk

Cue SILENCE and much mirth calling the one who talks a monkey.

We play a game where we take it in turns to name an animal for each letter of the alphabet - it might help as a distraction to change things up with the quiet game.

It’s not bullying and your family member is wrong

It’s a game, there is a prize at the end. It gets you home

As long as you are actively trying to find out why these meltdowns ar3 happening and aim to stop them ignore

You are doing a good job

Your solution sounds really helpful to you both! Keep up the good work, you're teaching her that you will give her the space to do what she needs to do. If you made her Bury it all undefinitely that would be something else, but this is just a tool to help her manage herself things until its OK to let go. Bet she uses it for ever.

You could look at this time as mindful meditation. A time to breathe quietly, empty your mind and use the walking pace to regulate.

Not so much bullying as therapeutic.

Definitely not bullying. Great idea,, it will surely teach her better self-regulation and ultimately self-discipline.

My autistic daughter is really well behaved at school, joins in, loves her friends, eats well and is academically able. If you met her in school or even in public you'd think she was neurotypical. If you met her at home or watched the Meltdowns when we step through the door or when we get dar enough from school that no one can see then you'd see a different child.

Its very common for girls in the spectrum to mask and to fall through the net and be missed from diagnosis.

Have a Google op. Just incase.

Does your family member feel that any form of discipline is bullying? I’m really interested.

It sounds like a good strategy to me OP. The person who criticised you for it should try being the one who has to deal with her tantrums/meltdowns.

I think it might be worth speaking to her GP about them, they might be able to help.

You could also speak to the school directly and ask their advice/opinions.